Vinnie Da Witch, Comedienne Extrodinaire, coming to you live from an offshore hell-hole...He's me theme tune-

I would like to leave this ghetto,
Cackletown don't smell too mellow and,
I can feel the warning signs running around my mind,
And when I leave this island, I'll book myself into a soul asylum,
And I can feel the warning signs running around my mind,

So what do you say?
You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway,
You're half the world away,
Half the world away,
Half the world away,
I've been lost I've been found but I don't feel down.
No I don't feel down,
No I don't feel down,

Half the World Away- An original Oasis track, edited by my goodself

Slash Fan Fiction Which Has Mentally Scarred Me This Month-

'How To Seduce A Ranger Without Really Trying' from
Focusses on Gandalf's sex life (Urgh, he's like a million), and ends up with him and Aragorn getting down to it beside the campfire. Please stop making me read these. I do have limits.
Quotable Quote- 'I DO NOT bed Hobbit boys!''- Gandalf
Oooh, Aragorn touched a nerve

Slash Fan Fiction Line that Made Me Laugh This Month-
Moonlight by the River by Fire and Ice Vanessa
Aragorn- ''Are you alright Legolas?''
Legolas- ''Yes, I just, er...accidentally poked myself.''
(You couldn't script this stuff could you? Classic)

Things I LURVE...

Jaffa Cakes
Jamie Cullum
A Little Bit of Elf Lovin'
Maroon 5
Lord of the Rings
Harry Potter
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Louis Vuitton Handbags
'Toxic' by Britney Spears
Ginger Beer
Elf Boots
Yorkshire Terriers
Shopping
Little Britain

Things I Don't Like-

Duran Duran
Ricecakes
Monkey Lovin'
People who say 'Yowza!'
Sailing
Zip-Up Fleece Gillets
Carol Vorderman
Pensioners
Poodles
Lobster Nuggets

People that I Just HATE-

An author called Lady Phedre- She writes crap one-page fics, doesn't check her facts and then has the brass neck to flame other people. I'll be looking out for you LADY...so watch yourself on the high street. Grrrr...

Men Who Came Along (To Turn Me On)-

Eric 'The Bomb' Bana (Yes, even in a skirt he's still sex personified)
Aragorn (Woof!)
Legolas (I wouldn't mind re-stringing his bow, ding dong!)
Jamie Cullum (I Could Have Danced All Night!)
Dennis from Eastenders (''SHARON! I can't get these kids paracetamol open!''-Bless)
Chad Allen (Yes, I know he's gay...what a waste)
George 'Caring Face of the NHS' Clooney
Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (I don't 'do' James Marsters when he isn't playing Spike. It scares me. SPIKE FOREVER!)
Colin Farrell (the Ultimate bad boy)
Aaron ''Cigarette Lighter'' Stamford (Pyro in X2)
Oliver Wood (The sexiest thing in Quidditch robes)
The Sex God (James Ormond- I miss you)
Hugh Jackman (Purrrr...)
Lead singer of Maroon 5 (It's getting Harder to Breathe indeed!)

''Another Barcardi and Coke please Mffanway...''

''I want a Whippy!''

''Yeah but, no but, yeah but this thing happened that I don't even know nothing about so stop giving me evils!''

''But I'm a laaaaaaaydee. I don't have testicles.''

''Carrot cake, carrot cake, have ye any nuts?...the carrot cake has...no nuts.''

''Right, now how many calories are there in dust?''

Quotes from Little Britain- Best TV Show Ever

''Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever just GET OVER IT.''
Cordelia- Buffy the Vampire Slayer Series 2

A Big Shout Out To-
Anna the Prat (I'll Miss You!), Juan the Grass-Clipper, Colin the Bald Coot, Nicky the Flick (''Tubs, get dressed!), Michelle the Grafter, David In The Red, Granville Loon (Get Well Soon), Hugh Corlett (Professional Bigamist), Graham, Mike and Jimmy (Best Ever Mad Chefs), Pigmy Sporran (HI-YA!), Irene Cara, Elsie the Nut, Larry Flint, Molly Moon, Dot the Knock, The Arsonist (Boss To You!), The Three Amigoes, Eamonn Holmes, Jean Not So Lean, Janet the Stick, and Shazza...the best work collegues a girl could ever wish to have. You make it all worth while. Love ya's all. Our Time Will Come! KWC/Shez Buchan 4Eva- 2004.

''Wounds heal. Chicks dig scars. Glory lasts forever...''- Perhaps a Leggy line that SHOULD have been in Return of the King?

(Footnote Joke of the Week)

Legolas- ''I made a list of all your faults.''
(Hands Aragorn 200 pages)
Aragorn- ''That's a long list!''
Legolas- ''That's the index, THIS is the list...''
(Hands Aragorn 1'000 pages)
Aragorn- ''Right...''