For everyone seeking guidance, I recommend looking up Ravi Zacharias, he's gotten me out of some dark times. His FULL sermons are available online for ALL...

PLEASE don't delete me...

...000...

ANNOUNCEMENT!

I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED!

SUMMARY:
On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!

The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher it's now also available at Amazon and BarnsandNoble.

https:///dp/B07BRNLR48/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1522279522&sr=1-1&keywords=DakotaUmlauf

https:///w/13-13-13-dakota-umlauf/1128212357?ean=9781984511966

...111111...

SHAKE UP THE FALLS: CHALLENGE!!!

Primary Objective:

Tired of fanfictions just copying cannon and not doing anything really different? Well, I am!

So I say we do a 'deconstruction' of Dipper and Mabels 'sibling bond'! Through the following-

(BEGIN FLASH-FORWARD)

A forty-something year old Dipper enters his parents house and takes off his fast-food uniform with a sigh as he looks down at his meager paycheck.

A forty-something Mabel (wearing a crazy sweater and surrounded by dozens of cats); looks up.

"Hey Dipping sauce! Guess what!? I made a 50 ft butterfly made of comics...which I then set ablaze! I'm still the goddess of destruction!...also the police are here again to fine us for burning stuff without a permit...also for unintended arson damage to the neighbors house"

"Wait, what!?" Shouts Dipper just as a policeman steps out of the shadows and snatches up Dipper's paycheck.

"Ah, come on man! I worked overtime the whole week at the drive-through to earn that!" Shouts Dipper. But the Officer had already left.

Dipper feels a drop of water on his head...the ceiling was leaking...

"I also created a new water slide for Waddles!"

CRASH!

The ceiling gives way as a giant hog crashes down and breaks the floor; water soaking everything!

The cats scatter in panic; breaking various household objects as they do so.

Mabel laughs at this. "Ah, they're cute when their crazy!" She shouts as she takes a picture of them.

Dipper sighs as he goes to check the emergency fund...only to find it empty...

"Hey Dipping sauce! Can we have Pizza tonight!? Duck-tective will be on!" Shouts the ever cheerful yet oblivious Mabel.

Dipper just hangs his head...and cries...

(FLASH-FORWARD END)

What I just showed you was a peek into a future after Gravity falls, where Mabel no longer needs to fear growing up...because she doesn't have to! Why would she need to when she has a pushover brother who is willing to sacrifice everything: never getting married, never being independent, never having a life of his own to make her happy?!(in other words: An Enabler/Co-dependent relationship)

You can give this vision to whoever you want: Dipper, Mabel, Wendy, Pacifica, Stan, Ford, Soos, etc- You can have it sent to them at any time in the series, or have them sent back in time, or do a Peggy Sue! And have them use this knowledge to shatter cannon!

Also Bill Cipher's threat needs to be taken more seriously!(I'm talking actual full-on Armageddon preparation after his first appearance!) And they need to take Gideon seriously when he sends the creepy letters and hosts his TV show(You don't have to kill him, but the Pines Family have to at least Neutralize him...or make some kind preparation to fight him when he breaks out). EXAMPLE: Mable is forced to take Dipper more seriously and not mess with him to survive or The realization that she and her loved one's might die at the end of the summer make Wendy not so hung up on the whole 'age gap' with Dipper and goes out with him.

Also, the hero's need to be proactive! When Gideon starts sending creepy letters and making television broadcasts, they need to take care of him(kill or neutralize; either works). All that matters is that they strike first at the first sign of trouble; And don't just have them wait around and do nothing!

I WOULD PREFER NO LEMONS, LIMES, YAOI, YURI OR INCEST PLEASE! I HATE THAT STUFF...

Secondary objective: the following episodes can't end as they did in cannon!(especially if your doing a Crossover!) If you want to kill Wendy and have Pacifica be the rebound fine. Or you could have Wendy give Dipper a chance after saving him from ghosts...have them go on a couple dates(this can even happen off-screen if it's easier)...Wendy decides it's not going to work...and then land Pacifica on the rebound(that works too) Just do something different!(conversely, you could also just give Pacifica Tyrone and Dipper could have Wendy...just saying...everyone would be happy...)

"The Inconveniencing".(it annoyed me that no one did anything with Wendy's 'stare at wall and rethink everything' statement, I'd appreciate some help there)

Time Travelers Pig(call it semantics if you must, but I would never let a girl get hurt just to save a pig. Mabel's just going to have to suck it up and learn she can't have everything)(I'd recommend using Steven Universes 'The Answer' as a template(or it's Aesop at least)) The ending can't be cannon! Especially if your doing a crossover!(Endings where BOTH Waddles and Wendy are saved are also okay)

Fight Fighters(none of this band-aid solution 'hate each other in silence' stuff! I want to see an aftermath! Have Wendy find out the truth and be mad at both of them if you have to! Just do something different!

Little Dipper(I would prefer you just skip this episode entirely to be honest) (Or better yet, use Steven Universes 'Too short to Ride' episode as a template)(But if you do, do this episode...skip the 'twins idiotically Argue over the crystal instead of saving themselves and their home from Gideon' Scene. Have Dipper punch out Mabel and use the crystal. Or have Mabel punch out Dipper to use the crystal! Just do something different! Especially if it's Crossover! In that case have someone else punch them and use the crystal!)Considering what Dipper just sacrificed for Mable in Time travelers pig...I've always felt that Mable was more then a bit ungrateful and mean in this episode...

Boyz Crazy(I actually have no problem with the ending here believe it or not, but I was annoyed that it was rendered somewhat meaningless since there was no aftermath(between Dipper and Wendy anyway). So...you know...go do your thing. I would recommend using Steven universes 'week of Sardonyx' Arc as a template)

Into the Bunker((take a deep breath)look, you can handle the shipping however you want. But you have to have Mabel equally punished for the trouble(it is her fault they were locked in there in the first place after all). (Preferably where Wendy and Dipper are mad at Mabel and refuse to forgive her.)(their also needs to be an aftermath, Dipper having an honest, real conversation with Wendy about how he still has feelings for her and where they go from here. I'd recommend using Steven Universe episodes 'Mr Greg' or 'we need to talk' as templates)(also please just skip 'Roadside attraction' entirely, please)(if your doing a crossover, and bring someone else down there with them, you have to have them stop Mabel from locking Dipper up!

Northwest mansion Noir:(Groan) so much wasted potential. Pacifica's parents just forgive her? Nothing comes from the shipping? Pacifica was nearly killed by Wendy's ancestor, and nothing comes from that?)(P.S. I'm aware that a lot of people have actually fixed that in their fics(for which I'm grateful), I just feel that it needs to be said)

Mabel and Dipper v.s. the future(you do what you want with this...just don't make things so ridiculously one-sided and place all the blame on Dipper as it did in cannon(also, Dipper has to find out about Mabel's deal with Bill))

Tertiary objective:

Dipper V.S. Manliness: I always thought it weird that their was no girl(be it Wendy, pacifica, Tambry, or candy, etc) during his 'man trials'. Whether to beat him at being a 'man', laugh at his loincloth(or if he loses said loincloth, make him embarrassed), be inadvertently a crucial part of his 'trial', or just along for the ride...I just think it's a story possibility that should be explored is all... I also feel that Stan's hypocrisy for badmouthing ABBA while he himself watches 'The Duchess Approves' should be explored...as well as Dipper getting mad at Mable ridiculing him after everything he's done for her,

Carpet Diem: It always bugged me that nobody cared about Dippers leg getting chewed off by a wolf, A woodpecker biting out his tongue, or his personal belongings getting vandalized...Don't just slap a band-aid solution 'Status-Quo' approved ending on it...make Dipper mad at Mabel for putting him through all that!! Have it be a long messy fight! If you make them reconcile...they BOTH have to earn it!(especially Mable)

Summerween: Why is it so horrible for Dipper to want to celebrate Halloween his own way? True, he shouldn't of lied, but slanting the episode to put him completely in the wrong for wanting to have fun his own way...was completely unnecessary! Pleas make this episode more balanced

Dreamscape: For the most part I have no complaints about the episode, but it needs to be at least addressed that Stan only 'toughens' up Dipper while letting Mable do whatever she wants. Also, could someone PLEASE tackle Gideon when he's gloating about the Deed in front of the Pines?

Soos and the real girl(I don't get why Melody should have to leave, I'd rather prefer she stayed and have a sub-plot going with Soos)

Blendin's Game(I mostly had no problem with this...but it always bugged me that no one did anything with the 'young Wendy thinks Dipper is cute' storyline...some assistance here would be most appreciated)(I'd also like to see Wendy's reaction to that)

Tale of two Stans:(I'm with my fellow fanficton writers. Their should have at least been a small rift popping up between Mabel and Dipper after Mabel trusted Stan over Dipper(Especially considering she prevented Ford from killing Bill!))

Stanchurian Candidate: I feel it was rather selfish for Stan to put his pride over the safety of his family, when they reveal the mind-control to him and he gets mad, lay it on home how he's being selfish and seemingly uncaring about his family!

The last MabelCorn: I feel it was rather selfish for Mable to put her needs over the safety of her family, you can keep the 'Unicorns are selfish jerks' revelation if you want, but also lay it on home how she's being selfish and seemingly uncaring about her family!

Roadside Attraction:(Recommended by Emma Iveli) If you MUST do this episode, Mable has to give Dipper more advice then just 'move on'(seriously, it's a bit weird she didn't help him more with this considering how much she loves matchmaking and knows better then anyone else how socially awkward Dipper is) And she and Grunkle Stan need to get into a big argument over who's advice is more valid. (pointing out the hypocrisy of Mable badmouthing flirting with multiple people, when she dose the same would be funny)

Weirdmagedon: (can't think of anything...save for wanting to see a fic. where Ford's Bill-Killing Gun actually works...and Maybe some more character development/bonding between Dipper Wendy...and possibly Pacifica)(Oh, having Wendy comfort Dipper over his 'You can't make someone fall in love, you can only be worthy of love' speech would be nice too)

Escape from Reality: JUST BURST THE BUBBLE! Especially if it's a crossover! A 22 minute story wrapped up in 5 minutes! Mabel can just deal with it!(it would also be nice if Wendy, Pacifica, or SOMEONE comforted Dipper about not getting any Valentines, also it be nice if someone reminded Wendy and Soos that their friends and family are suffering and they need to rescue them before they go gallivanting in the bubble).

Take Back the Falls: If your doing a crossover, you HAVE to have someone from the Crossover-verse SUCCESSFULLY stop Stan from breaking the circle. By threatening him with death or dismemberment if necessary!

EX: Ford: "Him and I...Grammar Stanley"

Stan is about to beat him...when he feels cold steel pressed against his back

Undyne: "YOU %$@#% one foot from where you are, I'll #%&$%$ kill you!"

Stan gulps nervously...but stays in his place...and the cipher is complete...

NOTE: to all Wendip and Dipifica fans alike...have you considered just making a water proof Tyrone and giving him to Pacifica while Dipper has Wendy? You could literally have your cake and eat it too!

Well, that's more or less it, good hunting YAH'll!

5 YEARS A SLAVE: CHALLENGE!!!

take a favorite main character of yours from any type of fiction and have him taken from his home and have him sold into slavery!

Go all out! Have her/him tortured, mutilated, crucified, beaten, experimented on...whatever cruelty you can imagine!

I'd prefer you not do anything smutty...but if you want to go there fine...just keep it off-screen please?

Also, she/he must be unable to escape for at least 5 years! And no one can rescue them! be it because of inter-dimensional travel, or mass mind-erasing.

I'd also like to see the song “MARKETPLACE” from Joseph king of dreams(because it's awesome!) but it's your story your choice.

To answer "Guests" review, of course Karmatic retribution is allowed! I'm sorry I didn't make that clear!

GRIMM TALES challenge!: in the spirit of "American Mcgee's Grimm"(a game I strongly recommend you play)

I propose this challenge!

You have two choices: !

Choice one: Fairy tale version: Have all the characters of your favorite (anime, cartoon, book, ETC.) get sucked into Grimm's fairy tale story book and have them forced against their will to replace classic fairy tale characters while grim mucks up everything!

Choice two: Reality version: Unlike above, your favorite (anime, cartoon, book, Etc.) remain in their world, but grim dose his usual thing and makes their stories twisted, messed up, and putrid! ENJOY!

TOOK A BULLET FOR YOU: Challenge! Your favorite fictional character is about to die. Suddenly someone whispers "stop". Time freezes. A mysterious stranger moves your favorite character out of the way. He stands in the characters place and says "okay go ahead" time resumes and the mysterious person is killed instead. The character being completely aware of what happened (but being powerless to stop it) goes on a great journey to find out who that person was and why he sacrificed himself.

The person did die, just to be clear.

Also this journey is less adventurous and more about the character learning more about himself and life in particular

The point of it all is completely up to you

MANIFEST DESTINY: CHALLENGE! Your Favorite Fictional Character is minding his own business when suddenly: BOOM! Their government has either discovered a new continent, wants to explore more of the continent that their on, or have found Stepper Tech. (The technology used in Terry Pratchett's "Long Earth") and has opened up multiple new earths for exploration. This leads to a resurgence in "Manifest Destiny." Which leads to Governments reviving the "Homestead Act."

So for whatever reason your Fictional Character is now a pioneer(whether he be average Joe, Carpetbagger, or Scallywag is up to you)

Now by all means have their be beneficial worlds, and normal worlds. But I'd be lying if I don't hope you throw in a bunch of death-worlds. Here's what comes to mind: Riddick's Crematoria, King Kong's Skull island, the jungle of Jumanji, Frost Giant world of Jotunheim, Harry Harrison's Pyrrus in Deathworld, Warhammer's Planet "Murder", Pierse Anthony's Xanath, The "Edge" in the Edge Chronicles, The world of Fallout(just the landscape, monsters, and mutants though), Mass effects filled with them(Tuchanka, Venusiform, Atespa, and Heshtok in particular), "Gears of War" world(Minus humans, plus Kryll) Killzone's Helghan, Borderlands Pandora(minus humans, but everything else is great), Oddworld, Kameo: Elements of Power(mainly the trolls), Knack(mainly the goblins and the living relics),Bulletstorm(minus the humans), The Ghost Zone(from Danny Phantom), The Pikmin world, Everworld, and The film "Signs" features one of the most dangerous death worlds in existence. 60% of the surface is covered by a fatal, skin-dissolving acidic liquid that also permeates the atmosphere, frequently falling from its skies like rain. All the local flora and fauna are suffused with the acid, with the crowning example being a sentient apex predator that bleeds, spits and excretes the substance through the skin through physical activity(it's earth from the perspective of the invaders, but I'd like to see something like it happen).

Whether you want to make the government evil and the natives(asuuming you want their to be natives of course, it's completely up to you) good, or the government good and the natives evil, or both evil, or both good well-intentioned extremists, or whatever. That's completely up to you. I would also like it if you showed the political, social, economical consequences of such discoveries or conflicts on "Earth Prime" ENJOY!

RISE OF AN EMPIRE: Challenge! Choose a great world leader( Attila, Genghis, ceaser, napoleon, Alexander, etc) and have them be reincarnated as an OC in your favorite fictional universe! Whether you want him to remember stuff or not is up to you. But regardless, the challenge is have him opportunistically exploit the various, events, people, tropes, things to create an empire! This challenge was inspired by Madhat886!

ROCKET TO A WAREHOUSE: Challenge! The world of Warehouse 13 is dying(why is up to you)...So they send it away in H.G. Wells rocket! And it crash lands in your favorite cartoon, anime, book, etc.

ODE TO A WORLD WAR: Challenge! Imagine an alternate timeline where Winston Churchill didn't survive his car crash in 1931; causing the prime minister position to go to long line of less able politicians. Also FDR died of a stroke early before he was elected; forcing the democrats to substitute him last minute, and get steam rolled. Allowing Hoover to be re-elected. Hitler attacks Britain and France...But leaves Russia alone; thus keeping them out of the war. Also Japan not only attacks Pearl Harbor but successfully invades and conquers Hawaii! Between this and their victory(in this new timeline) at the "Battle of Midway" more or less knocks America out of the "Pacific Theater". Hoover and the now less capable British make one blunder after another. After the disastrous(in this timeline) D-day invasion. The pro-fascist British movement gains the support it needs to overthrow the government and make way for the Nazis. Between this, the inability to stop the Japanese, the Depression(which has somehow actually gotten worse!). Hoover is impeached. The new president gives up on Europe and the pacific as a lost cause and signs an armistice. The next several decades are not kind to the united states. They never recover from the depression. Pro-japan, pro-fascist, or pro-commie riots and protests are quite common. The rest of the world is basically divided up by Russia, Germany, and japan. Mexico and south America are divided between Germany and japan, and Russia converts Canada(why not?). Also Japan gets Australia(Again, why not?). And all 3 superpowers are now in a cold war with each other.

Now here's where the challenge comes in: take your favorite cartoon, anime, book, etc. and put it in the present day of that setting. And at some point in the storyline have all 3 superpowers find out about a specific Macguffin, person, object, technology, magic, creature, or location that they all desire to gain an advantage over the others. EXAMPLE: Gravity Falls: They learn about the portal in Grunkle Stans basement; or Steven Universe: They want the Kindergarten to create Gems. You can either portray them realistically or go completely off the rails!

You can either have them covertly infiltrate or just have an all out invasion.

I would also prefer if for whatever reason nuclear weapons were never invented(call it divine intervention, call it bad luck, call it a plot hole, a gypsy curse, whatever you want); All other WMD's types are okay: chemical, biological, technological, magical, etc. Enjoy!

YOUNG WENDY: challenge! Seriously, a young Wendy admits she thinks Dipper's cute and no one seems to be seizing that? This shall not stand! Go fanfiction writers! go! Go nuts!...As long as it's not smutty

IN SPITE OF A PIG: challenge! You know what I'd like to see? Wendy finding out the truth behind the events of "time travelers pig" and angrily confronts Mabel about it. Whether you want to play Mabel as a cold, calculating, manipulator or a quirky, lovable, freak of nature is up to you! I'd really just like it explored "Why" Wendy was "destined" to get hurt that day.

CODE: SWEAT challenge!

Why aren't their more fanfictions about the code lyoko episode “Cold sweat”?

Yumi sneaks into the boys locker room to humiliate the guys?

How dose ulrich respond to yumi?

Dose ulrich wail on odd?

Dose anyone point out to yumi what she did to odd was worse than what he did to her, and that ulrich really didn't do anything wrong!

Please refrain from anything smutty, try and keep it comedic and slapstick-ish, although you can make it dramatic if you want

CODE: DELETE challenge!

In the original french script of code lyoko

there are some amazing deleted scenes.

Like odd kissing ulrich in yumi's body

Odd accidentally exposing himself to sissie

Odd accidentally groping sissie.

To get further details here's the site:

http:///scriptsvsepisodes/#top_10_of_the_most_incredible_changes

Enjoy!

But also I'd like to point out all the other scenes of code lyoko that have serious AU potential but never seem to have any fanfictions.

Like: sissie running from her room in her starkers, yumi only wearing a towel as she runs to the door ulrich's at, ulrich locked outside in only a towel, milly running from the shower room in her starkers, ulrich meeting with emily in their robes, yumi and ulrich trapped together in the steam room, “the pool incident”.

SO MUCH TO EXPLOIT!

But please don't do anything smutty, I'd prefer it comedic and slapstick-ish

MOWGLI'S BAD DAY: challenge

While bagheera is playing tug of war with Mowgli in the infamous “wedgie scene”

he get's an idea: BLACKMAIL!

IF Mowgli agrees to come to the man-village... he'll give back mowgli's loincloth!

Please keep this comedic and slapstick-ish! Nothing perverse and disgusting!

I'd also appreciate it if you some how roped Shanti into this somehow(to further humiliate Mowgli)

Also doing something similar to Ranjan's “wedgie scene” would also be interesting.

DISTAFF-COUNTERS: challenge

Have you noticed how guys in fiction tend to be humiliated more often than girls?

Well, I'd like to try a SOCIOLOGICAL experiment.

Take one boy character form your favorite anime, book, cartoon, etc.

And put him through a classic humiliation (clothes stolen, locked outside nude, accidentally going commando, etc) in your fic.

Then, have a girl character from the same series go through the exact same humiliation in a different story.

I'm genuinely curious what the response to this challenge might be.

REMEMBER! Nothing smutty! Just comedic!

GRAVITY SWITCH: challenge

dipper get's body switched with Wendy instead of Mabel.

Seriously, how is this not already a thing!?

Please keep it comedic, nothing smutty!

DIPPER V.S. JUNGLE GIRL: challenge

Instead of the multi-bear dipper faces an amazonian Wendy!

Nothing smutty, just comedic! Really as long as you do something that includes Wendy in the "Dipper Vs. Manliness" episode I'll be happy.

TSUNDRE JUDGEMENT DAY: challenge

I'm sick of guys being beaten and treated like 2nd class citizens in fiction just because their guys! Have reality ensue! Have the guys grow spines! Just stop the guy abuse! Viva revolution!

POP-GOES-THE-ED: challenge

Seriously I don't get why their isn't more fanfiction about that one ed, edd, & eddy episode! go nuts people!

Nothing smutty please! keep it comedic and slapstick-ish

SANS-A-PELT: challenge

Also, why aren't their any fanfictions on that angry beavers episode, have my story:CODE-SANS-A-PELT serve as an example!

Remember nothing smutty! try to keep it comedic and slapstick-ish!

FAN RESOURCE

here are some locations, items, people, plot bunnies that I have no idea what to do with.

So if you want them you can have them!

harry walks into borgin borks, he see's a skill book. excited, he grabs it and opens it. suddenly the familiar message music and screen pops up to give the following message.

CONGRAGULATIONS!

YOU HAVE FOUND YOUR FIRST CURSED SKILL BOOK!

CURSED SKILL BOOKS ARE LIKE REGULAR SKILL BOOKS, WITH THE DEBATABLY MINOR

EXCEPTION THAT THE SKILL/PERK YOU ACQUIRE MAY NOT BE 100% BENEFICIAL OR EVEN

1,0, or -5%!

ALSO UNLIKE NORMAL SKILL/PERKS YOU HAVE NO SAY IN IT BEING APPLIED TO YOU! THE

INSTANT YOU OPENED THIS BOOK IT WAS AUTOMATICALLY APPLIED TO YOUR BEING AND

IS NOW PERMANENT SO NO PESKY FREE WILL TO GET IN THE WAY OF YOUR FUN-FILLED

EXPLORATION!

NOT TOO MENTION THE ADDED THRILL OF NO LONGER BEING SURE YOUR PRECIOUS

SKILL BOOKS ARE SAFE AS THEY ARE COMPLETELY IDENTICAL TO THE UNTRAINED

WIZARD.

well bugger me, said harry flatly as he scrolls over to see what the perk actually was and hopping that it wasn't as bad as it sounds.

-it was

BALLS OF STEEL: GAIN ONE ABILITY POINT EVERY TIME A FEMALE KICKS YOU IN THE

CROTCH!

(NOTE: The kick also won't count unless you feel pain, so no padding for you Mr. CHEATER! on the plus side there is no limit to how many times you can be kicked, and with each kick girls around you will be increasingly addicted to destroy your MAN-MEAT!

(FURTHER NOTE: you'll get more ability points with each blow depending on how creative the girl is smacking "it" around. Be it steel tipped boot, golf club, flaming hot scissors, stabbing you repeatedly with multiple rusty, twisted, razor-sharp syringes filled with caustic chemicals and then using a defibrillator to electrocute your area. Which thanks to the increase in sadistic tendencies this perk will cause shall become increasingly likely

WE DO HOPE YOU ENJOY

HAVE A FUN LIFE OF CELIBACY, CHOIR PRACTICE AND NO CHILDREN!

Harry however wasn't listening, he was too busy curled in a fetal position, and crying for mercy

MEANWHILE: they never understood why, but many girls felt the urge to bring knife's, cigerate lighters, steel boots, and in Hermonies grangers case a defibrillator to hogwarts

DARWIN'S BIBLE: WHAT!? charles darwin had a bible?...and it appears to filled with chicken scratchings of anthropological theory, philosophical ramblings, theological insights, biological observations, and...A SPELL CRAFTING FORMULA-EQUATION!

huh, It would appear that sometime in Darwins life he dabbled in magic, and successfully created an EVOLUTION SPELL!

PRO: when equipped with this item you can evolve/devolve any person, corpse, spirit, animal mineral, or vegetable ONE BILLION years into the past/future

CON: when used on anything small or simple you'll only be without magic for 24 hours, but if used on anything big or complex (like anything dead or inanimate) you'll be without magic for a WHOLE WEEK!

THE BLACK CAULDRON: This monstrosity nearly allowed the horned king to conquer everything, maybe you'll have better luck!

PRO: sacrifice any npc into it and you can resurrect any one person or creature (provided you have their corpse handy), you can also summon an army of skeletons to do your bidding

CON: for every hour you command the skeletons you lose one heart of health, and if you die from this you'll come back with only half your constitution points.

TARZAN'S LOINCLOTH: pretty self-explanatory

PRO: while equipped you are immune to all non-magic damage, and all magic damage is reduced by 50%. you gain initiative while fighting no matter the circumstances. you can use vines to travel instantaneously to anywhere you want. you understand all animal languages.

CON: it only works in forests/jungle's. It also has a 75% chance of a wardrobe malfunction. if lost in this way, you will be unable to access any clothes from your inventory, your stealth skills and perks will deactivate until you get back to your room. girls will also be inexplicably drawn to the areas where you will have to pass through.

GOBLET OF FIRE: HE WHO REACHES 100% MASTERY OF POTIONS, PLAYS A MINI-GAME THAT INVOLVES DECODING A CRYPTIC WHEEL USING LOGIC HINTS AND WORDPLAY, AND DRINKS WITH A HIGH ENOUGH CONSTITUTION SHALL GAIN IMMUNITY FROM ALL FIRE DAMAGE BE IT MUNDANE OR MAGIC.

PRO: FIRE IMMUNITY

CON: WATER DAMAGE INCREASE BY 25%, AND ALL SWIMMING SKILL POINTS ARE NOW HALVED

NEPTUNE'S TRIDENT: THIS LEGENDARY ITEM WAS BROKEN INTO SEVEN PIECES AND GIVEN TO THE SEVEN MERMAID TRIBES (SOME ARE PRETTY, SOME AREN'T) AFTER NEPTUNE'S DEATH. YOU MUST EITHER EARN THEIR TRUST AND SUPPORT TO GAIN THEM, OR STEAL THEM AND EARN THEIR WRATH, BAD KARMA, AND WORSE YOU'LL HAVE TO DO A TEDIOUS BORING MINI-GAME TO FIX IT.

PRO: IMMUNE TO ALL WATER DAMAGE, SWIMMING MASTERY, BREATHE LIKE A FISH, TALK TO ALL WHO LIVE IN THE WATER.

CON: FIRE DAMAGE INCREASES BY 25%, ANYTHING INVOLVING FIRE: COOKING, POTIONS, DUELS, ETC. HAS A 10% LIKELIHOOD OF BACKFIRING.

BAG OF WINDS: This is the mother of all bucking bronchos, you must ride this bag for 24 hours without falling off or dying to master it.

PRO: master wandless flying, broom and carpet mastery, talk to all flying things, immunity to all wind damage.

CON: earth damage increase by 25%, you are now 10% more likely to have a random encounter with quicksand.

CORNUCOPIA: This can only be grown from a rare seed and by a master herbologist. and used by fertilizer composed from a thousand of the finest corpses in the land.

PRO: any seed you put inside will immediately grow to maturity and multiply a thousand fold, it also will give you immunity to all earth damage

CON: wind damage increases by 25%, the weather is now 10% more likely to work against you

P.S. only one of the last four can be equipped at once so choose wisely!

I'd like to make a recommendation to complete your pirate/ninja/?, rock/paper/scissors...thing

ninja kills pirate with sneak attack while pirate is busy loading cannon

COWBOY kills ninja with gun (INDIANA JONES STYLE!)

And cowboy is killed by cannon ball shot by pirate from the safety of his ship

While I have your attention I'd also recommend GRIZZLY BEAR/SHYSTER/SAMURAI

hear me out

first shyster takes advantage of samurai's of samurai's "honor before reason" by offering him

poisoned sokka (Japanese beer) before they fight.

shyster is ripped apart by grizzly bear too stupid to be tricked

samurai uses bear's rage against it to make it run off cliff (MATADOR STYLE!)

QUEST: EMANCIPATION COMPLICATION

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE DISCOVERED GRINGOTS BANK! BUT WHAT"S THIS! YOUR ONLY ALLOWED ACCESS TO A SMALL PERCENTAGE OF YOUR MASSIVE VAULT PER MONTH!? OUTRAGEOUS!

IT WOULD SEEM THAT ACCORDING TO WIZARD WORLD LAW THAT MINOR ORPHANS AREN"T ALLOWED FULL ACCESS UNTIL THEY ARE LEGALLY FULL ADULTS!

HOWEVER, ALL IS NOT LOST FOR IN ACCORDANCE WITH GOBLIN HEGEMONY/ MINISTRY OF MAGIC TREATY CLAUSE C, SECTION K, SUBSECTION O, INIGMENT I, PARAGRAPH 12, SUB-PARAGRAPH #$&*! CLEARLY STATES THAT THE GRINGOTS BOARD OF DIRECTORS HAVE THE POWER TO OVERTURN THIS LAW AND DECLARE YOU AN EMANCIPATED MINOR WITH FULL ACCESS TO THE VAULT!

BUT BE WARNED! THIS CAN ONLY WORK IF ALL 5 BOARD MEMBERS AGREE UNANIMOUSLY!

SO NOW YOU MUST TRAVEL TO THE BOWELS OF GRINGOTS AND BE THE BEST DANG SYCOPHANT THAT WAS EVER SPAWNED. SO PUCKER UP! GOBLIN BOOTIES ARE NOTORIOUSLY HARD!

REWARD: EMANCIPATION: FREEDOM FROM ALL UNDERAGE RESTRICTIONS! STATUS WILL RISE IN MINISTRY, WIZARDING WORLD, AND GOBLIN WORLD. FULL ACCESS TO POTTER VAULT 1,000,000 gold coins(plus 10% monthly interest gain)! SPOT ON THE WIZINGMONT. LORDSHIP GRANTED. 1,

SUB-QUEST(1) LUCK OF THE IRISH!

BOARD MEMBER WORRYWARTUS ESQUIRE. OF THE MCDOUGAL CLAN IS IN A PICKLE, A VERY INFLUENTIAL LEPRECHAUN MONEY-BROKER HAS JUST BROKERED A HUGE DEAL WITH HIM THAT WILL SEE GRINGOTTS GET FIFTY TONS OF SOLID GOLD. HOWEVER, WORRYWARTUSE'S LONG TIME RIVAL BRUTUS DE COUP INSISTS THAT THE GOLD IS FAKE AND WILL REPORT THIS INFRACTION AT THE NEXT CLAN MEETING. ESQUIRE HAS USED EVERY MUNDANE AND MAGICAL TRICK HE KNOWS, BUT EVERYTHING INDICATES THAT THE GOLD IS REAL. SO NOW THE DILEMMA, IS BRUTUS LYING OR TRUTHING? IF TRUTH, AND BRUTUS BEATS HIM TO THE PUNCH HE WILL LOSE HIS JOB TO HIM, BUT IF A LIE AND HE CONFRONTS THE CLAN WITH THIS IT WOULD RUIN THIS AND FUTURE DEALS WITH THE LEPRECHAUNS FOR NO REASON AND SEE HIM DISGRACED ANYWAY. IF YOU HELP HIM, HE WILL AGREE TO VOTE FOR YOUR CAUSE

P.S. WATCH CSI NEW YORK SEASON 6 EPISODE "POT OF GOLD" TO FIGURE THIS OUT(IT INVOLVES TUNGSTEN)

SUB-QUEST(2) CAPPY THE IDIOT GOBLIN

BOARD MEMBER CAPPY MAXIMILIEN OF THE TGIF CLAN, IS IN TEARS! APPARENTLY HE HAS TRAPPED HIMSELF IN A DRUNKEN WAGER THAT WILL LEAVE HIM PENNILESS IF BACKED OUT! HE IS REQUIRED TO GO KISS ON THE LIPS THE quote "MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL HE KNOWS" unquote WHICH OF COURSE IS THE GOBLIN WENCH MORGA "the well endowed"...Unfortunately she's married...to BRUISER "the humorless arm-ripper of any guy who even looks at his wife" However...goblin law can allow you to proxy for him in exchange for voting for your cause. Unfortunately after you agree it is only then revealed that you have to kiss her NUDE...and that due to wording of the contract you must kiss who "YOU" believe is the prettiest girl, you are then apperated out of your clothes to hermonies, luna's, or fleurs house(Or whoever's more convenient to your story) before you can protest. you have 15 minutes to do this before being apperated back and failing.

SUB-QUEST(3): THE DEADLIEST GAME

LORD BOB OF CLAN 006 WILL ONLY VOTE FOR YOU IF YOU PLAY HIS GAME. AFTER AGREEING YOU FIND YOURSELF DRUGGED, STRIPPED DOWN TO NOTHING(inventory has somehow been locked), AND FORCED TO SURVIVE FOR 24 HOURS IN A PRIVATE JUNGLE while being hunted.

IF You just survive You'll only earn , 100 gold coins, and bob's vote.
IF you survive and kill bob You'll earn CLAN 006's loyalty(summoning them in times of trouble), standing in goblin world will go up, you win bob's mystic sniper rifle, 500 gold coins, and 1200 xp.

SUB-QUEST(4): THE BOY THAT'S BEEN REFORGED!

CLAN-MASTER BOA OF CLAN CHUDD REFUSES TO HELP ANYONE WHO ISN'T A MASTER-CRAFTER of weapons. Build him a weapon, using his forge. He allows you as many tries as possible so he can mock you (and that's where our good friend skill grinder comes in).

Build and present just an adequate weapon(adequate by goblin standereds, actually master craftsman by human standereds), and you'll only receive BOA's vote and his ridicule.
harry then get's mad, reloads the game and makes a weapon so great you recieve: Clan chudds loyalty(can now summon them in a crisis) 500 gold coins, 1200xp., standing in goblin world rises. Unfortunately, they won't let you keep the super weapons...but you can keep your "rejects" hint! hint! cough! reload game cough! a dozen "reject" super-weapons wink! wink! nudge! nudge!

SUB_QUEST(5): an affair to remember

MISTRESS CHING of the jade clan wants to divorce her husband and keep all his money. but goblin law will only allow this if he's caught cheating. You are charged with framing him in exchange for her vote.

Have you ever thought about the dwarves in book 2 that lockhart hired to play cupid?
I'm a huge fan of "lord of the rings" so I really would like to see something done about that
whether you explore this facet of harry potter during book 2 or before it is up to you.
look long story short here's my idea for a quest

QUEST: THE-BOY-WHO-WOULD-BE-DWARF!

the dwarf people need your help! the last pirate/ninja/dwarf war left the once mighty dwarven race a bunch of destitute wandering vagabonds, only you can restore them to their former glory!

OBJECTIVES: Find 0/10 lost tomes of dwarven knowledge: the secret magics, sciences, and arts of dwarf kind have been lost! find them to restore their culture!

REWARD: gain reputation amongst dwarves, learn dwarf magic, learn dwarf metal-work, learn dwarf combat, learn dwarf language, gain 5 wisdom for each tome found gain 1 perk point for every 5 tomes found, earn 300xp for every tome

OBJECTIVES: Find 0/10 lost dwarven cities and free them from the demons that now inhabit them (in other words 10 bossfights)

REWARD: gain dwarven reputation, earn 1,000,000 gold coins for each city reclaimed, gain 500xp for every demon boss slain(plus loot robbed from body), gain 5 strength for every boss beaten, gain perk CLUB MECH: max out sentient mystic construct mechanic stats when all 10 are found

OBJECTIVES: find dwarf king crown, restore crown to former glory, find long lost heir to the throne, save heir from dying, convince ungrateful jerk to become king

REWARD: gain dwarf reputation, gain dwarf king as ally, gain 20 charisma, gain 1000xp.

Most of the following are not OC'S! They are for the most part creative re-imaginings of other characters!

I DO NOT OWN THEM!!! Feel free to use them though! Again, these are not OC'S!

CHUD: A mutant from the sewers, this cannibal mercenary can travel 150 miles underground can hear anything that moves a mile-radius, and has teeth that can rip through a human femur in 5 seconds.

SENSE TAKER: this cult obsessed ex-priest can shut down any 2 of your five senses at one time.

TICK and TOCK (AKA: the clockwork killers): these twin android mercenary's are as synchronized as they are homicidal

FRED BONAPARTE: this ex-asylum inmate believes himself to be Napoleon reincarnated, he is infamous for wiping out 50 delta force squads with nothing but a stick and a sneer and his arms tied up in his straightjacket(which he still wears)

PYTHOR: this naga beast has somehow mastered life and death, he can kill or resurrect you with but a prick of his bite

TOADY: this overgrown toad can ooze a form of slim that hardens into a strong armor(that is acidic to the touch

RINZIN: this woman is quadruple jointed, can dislocate any bones in her body, and is the worlds greatest escape artist/acrobat/knife juggler and her infamous "dance of the scorpions" maneuver will leave you hypnotized by it's splendor...if you don't die a "death of a thousand cuts" first

SNAKE WEED: This nasty piece of work has somehow grown a colony of mutant centipedes inside his own body. giving him the power to literally kill a grown man 20 times before he hits the ground with his "fist of a thousand pincers" technique

JACKFROST: a serial killer turned lab experiment, this monster can shift between the 3 phases of matter, his favorite form is a jolly snowman with razor-sharp icicle teeth that can rip you to shreds

SATCH-GHOST: this Sasquatch has serious identity issues! using money from his bounties to buy anti-schizophrenia pills. He believes himself to be a ghost!(he's not, to be clear)even going as far as wearing a white tablecloth with eye holes cut in. he has super strength and the powers of a real ghost that he stole from an actual ghost!

BLINDEYE: the worlds greatest sniper. infamous for shooting a Nigerian prince in Nigeria...while on top of Mt. Everest...did I mention he's blind?

LORD ZOD: The of reverse-vampire sub-species, he gains immortality, invincibility, super strength, super speed when under the earths sun. even at night his his triple black-belt is nothing to scoff at!

BACTERIA: a germaphobic, morbidly obese,ill-tempered dwarf with a superiority complex. ordinarily, he'd be no threat...except for his power to multiply! here, listen to his battle cry.
bacteria! we begin with only one! Bacteria! two is what we then become!
Bacteria! each of us become two more! Bacteria! We stronger then before!
Bacteria! we keep growing at this rate! Bacteria! no longer shall we wait!
Bacteria! the plan now unfolds! Bacteria! we will take over the world!

THE FACELESS ONE's: this race of giant floating heads, are very religious about their faces, if any outsider (human, animal, mermaid, other faceless one's in more extreme cases, etc) even peak at their face. they will kill you, just by thinking about it.

THE OVERKILLS: basically think of giant bee's with giant organic drills for pincers and organic rotating chainsaw blades all over their body and that's it.

SPIDER-ANTS: a race of giant fire ant/tarantula hybrids. all of their strengths none of their weaknesses

SILENCERS: a bunch of winged flying eyeballs that hate all forms of noise, if you see one don't make a sound, don't even breath or they will reverse your gravity and send you into orbit.

BOUNCERS: Think giant morbidly obese rubber balls with stubby arms and legs a child-like face, that love to bounce around and crush people and things to death.

LEGION, somehow, a swarm of ticks became super-smart and merged to form a giant man eating shark that can fly!

GETHER GATOR's: these giant cheetah-fast gators have somehow adapted a way to produce and vomit a deluge of giant man-eating leeches on an enemy

SMOKERS: These mischievous monkey-like creatures can spew deadly amounts of smoke at you.

KILLAPEDES: these giant centipedes will jump at you from the trees, crush all your bones while they coil around you, and gouge huge pieces of flesh from you from all their thousands of pincers from you

ROSWELL GREYS: if you see them in the wild. DO NOT APPROACH! not because of them being dangerous mind you, but because you'll enrage what's chasing them...(read below)

ROSWELL BLACKS: from a more twisted branch of the Roswell grey family tree. these extraterrestrials long ago enslaved their peaceful gray cousins, and now hunt them for sport on lesser developed worlds. They consider humans beneath their notice, so they they more or less ignore them. but if one interferes with their hunt (like heal a badly beaten grey) they will beat them, strip them, dump them in a deep part of the woods, and give them a five minute head start. If you escape capture for 24 hours you'll be let go, if not they'll enslave you, torture/experiment on you until you die, reanimate you painfully, chop you up either as a trophy or stew, reanimate you painfully again, and repeat for all eternity.

MIMICANA's: these things can morph their appearance into anything, be it pretty tree, car, wooden shack, treasure chest. they then wait for someone to come near enough to strike and consume.

CROOKED ONE's:the result of an occult experiment gone horribly wrong these semi-hanged, mangled bodied, zombie-like,semi-mystical, homicidal maniacs can smell happiness from anywhere. they will then make the happy person as miserable as possible

CONSTRUCTS: built by a race of people that have long been wiped out and forgotten. these strange mechanized golems continue to try to complete their no longer relevant, pre-programed tasks (like trying to deliver a 1,000 year old package to a place that no longer exists, or try to place now rotted instruments on a shelf that has long crumbled to dust). To be clear these guys are not dangerous...as long as you don't attack them or interfere with their tasks. Their powers: they can nullify all forms of magic, can crush diamonds with their bare hands, and can immediately upgrade themselves to handle any situation.

THE BEHEMOTH: not much is known about this gigantic abomination, except that it looks like a deranged artist poor attempt at creating a giant human by melting thousand of humans together (while they were still alive) to build it. It will eat anyone and anything in it's path until it pukes and then keep eating. and appears invincible to all forms of damage.

NIGHTMARE CHILD: This beast is the spiritual equivalent of a black hole.

SKARO DEGRADATIONS: a Dalek confederacy that's consists of failed prototype daleks, factory reject daleks, mutant daleks, 'impure' daleks, and mentally unstable daleks(think Dalek asylum) that broke free from the Dalek empire and declared it's independence.

HORDE OF TRAVESTIES: Long story short: A mad scientist physically manifested a nightmare. This nightmare had a nightmare...which then killed the original nightmare and the scientist, escaped, somehow figured out how to reproduce...Then eventually became the Horde of Travesties.

COULD'VE BEEN KING: the physical manifestation of all the resentment from all the almost-kings throughout the history of the multiverse that were almost king...but weren't.

His Army of MEANWHILES and NEVERWHERES are all the armies in history that almost existed...but never did.

Isabella: wow those are some amazing fish!
Local Deacon: why thank you god already made them beautiful of course, but we gave them a little help through "natural selection."
Isabella: so what your saying is that NATURAL SELECTION was the ORIGIN of the species? said Isabella with sly mirth
Deacon: why yes I- Oh, ho! you little scamp! you almost got me!
fish then crawls out of tank on legs and takes a deep breath of air.
Deacon: (sigh) well that's what I get for going cheap, and leaving all the work to some creepy armenian dude who lives with his mom.

THE MAD-EYE DESERT: against all laws of meteorology there is giant stationary hole in the ozone layer over this place that makes this place so hot that even Lava drys out here.

THE CRAZIES BLIZZARD COVE: This area is so cold that it somehow is even below absolute zero.

THE DEVIL'S SCUM CONE: against all laws of physics there is a stationary category 6 tornado that's been blowing non-stop for 50 years

BEELZEBUB'S BREATH CREEK: this swamp is forever filled with acid mist, the water is nothing but toxic waste, and nothing grows there except rash weed, sting grass, and shock shrubs

THE PERPETUAL RUINS OF RSHTGDJDTHRHSHHAGSHJSTHSHAEETJYKUIOPYSDFG!: these ancient ruins are so unstable, that even a fly could knock a column down. Yet at the end of every day the ruins somehow restores it's self back to a semi-dilapidated state

Christmas past: when cody's company went under, a lot of people got fired...including a technical supervisor with a large family he can no longer support. Ashamed, he hangs himself. Candace must convince him to not hang himself!

Christmas present: this morning Candace took the last muffin before her father could get it. because she did that, her father got hungry on the way to work and stopped at a gas station. Because he did that, he took up the last parking space. because he did that, a guy who was in a hurry to go to the bathroom couldn't park. because he couldn't park, he hurries to the next gas station. Because he's in such a hurry, he skids on the ice and crashes. Which puts him in critical condition. Without her healing powers, Candace has to save this man.

Christmas future: sometime in the not-too-distant-future Candace apparently dared the boys to do something foolish which ends with them stranded and unconscious on an iceberg and about to drown. Without her powers Candace must save them!

Christmas past: when cody's company went under, a lot of people got fired...including a technical supervisor with a large family he can no longer support. Ashamed, he hangs himself. Candace must convince him to not hang himself!

Christmas present: this morning Candace took the last muffin before her father could get it. because she did that, her father got hungry on the way to work and stopped at a gas station. Because he did that, he took up the last parking space. because he did that, a guy who was in a hurry to go to the bathroom couldn't park. because he couldn't park, he hurries to the next gas station. Because he's in such a hurry, he skids on the ice and crashes. Which puts him in critical condition. Without her healing powers, Candace has to save this man.

Christmas future: sometime in the not-too-distant-future Candace apparently dared the boys to do something foolish which ends with them stranded and unconscious on an iceberg and about to drown. Without her powers Candace must save them!

Candace finds an old bottle and accidentally releases the three spirits of Christmas. They make a deal with Candace. They will search through her timeline. Any Christmas's she's ruined she'll be allowed to fix (with the understanding that during this whole thing her magic is shut down), if she succeeds they'll increase her water power to include ice and snow. feeling cocky and confident that they'll find nothing and give the power to her for free. she accepts the terms...only to her horror realize they've already found three.

Side effects: obsessive-compulsive addiction, narcissism, mild-socipathy, megalomania, hallucinations, headaches, and vegetative coma's

Payment: first time's free, second is sharing what your given to your friends, all times after that is a goblet of your blood, or the fresh corpse of a murdered younger sibling(proper murder mind you, none of this stabbed in the back nonsense. he likes them brutalized, messy, and the shock of betrayal still etched on their face).

Dealer: Mr. Red Rum

KRAMPUS: Well, that was a fun adventure, but I must be off! I have centuries of work to catch up on! It's gonna be tight!
Candace: you go Krampus!
KRAMPUS: Yes, Off I go to brutally assault every bully that beats the weak and every spoiled brat with too much self-entitlement! It's gonna be whacked to the Fashile, yo!
Phineas:yeah...still horrified by that.
Krampus: (Krampus give out a jolly laugh)That's cool, it's a free country and your entitled to your own opinions. Keep being you Phineas!peace!

something has gotten into dipper
he keeps it caged but he can't control it.
he feels the rage but he just can't hold it.
it's making him scratch on the walls, in the closet in the halls.
sometimes it hides under the bed or in his body and his head.
he feels it deep within, it's just beneath his skin
if he let's it out, it'll make him tear his love one's up or bring them down.
It's hiding in his dark, it's teeth are razor sharp, it want's dippers soul and his heart

Where once was Candace, there was now just the staff and a pile of Candace's clothes.

W-what happened to Candace!? said Phineas in a panic

H-hold on, l-let me check! shouted dipper as he frantically flipped through the pages.

Hey! who turned out the lights?! what's going on here!? shouted candace's voice.

everyone looked around frantically. Candace where are you!?

I'm right here! said the voice again as an orange serpent slithered out of the pile.

everyone just stared at it.

what? why are you all looking at me like that? said the serpent.

nothing, said Phineas quickly. Uh, don't look in mirror! said Mabel frantically.

Why? said Candace as she looks into the mirror and screams.

I told you not to look in mirror said a saddened Mabel.

okay, I think I got it! said as he read out a passage.

Wield the staff with love in thy heart for the snakes and though shalt win every time.
But wield it whilst filled with hate, and though shall become what though hate this fortnight. Only when though has slithered in the skins of thy fellow creature and know there anguish can though set things right.

what dose that even mean!? shouted an irate candace.

Thug leader: oh, yeah? well what's in it for us?
Pan: why I hadn't thought of that(whisks thug high into air and drops him) let's discuss it.
Thug leader: (screams as he plummets to his death)
Pan: (casually hovering next to him) Now I see your point, but what could I possibly do for you in return?
Thug leader: save me! Save me!
Pan: well there's a thought, yeah. but is it enough? I don't want to feel like I'm cheating you.
Thug leader: alright, well do it! just save me!
Pan: (snatches thug just before he hits ground) Alright, you've twisted my arm. Deal.
pan: any other questions?
Group of thugs: (quickly runs away to do pans bidding.
K: what do you think of my new outfit?
Mills: YOU HAVE TO HAVE BEEN THE STUPIDEST MAN ON THE PLANET TO HAVE THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA! LOOK AT YOU! YOU LOOK LIKE A SEQUENT TRAIN WRECK! THIS TRULY IS THE FECES THAT SHAME PRODUCES WHEN IT EATS TOO MUCH STUPIDITY! YOU MAKE ME ENVY THE DEAF AND THE BLIND!

Jesus had no servants, yet they called him Master...

He had no degree, yet they called him Teacher...

He had no medicine, yet they called him Healer...

He had no army, yet kings feared him...

He won no military battles, yet he conquered the World...

He committed no crime, yet they crucified Him...

He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today

Feel honored to serve such a leader who loves us...

If you believe and God and Jesus Christ is His son...

Then copy and paste this into your profile

7 reasons not to mess with kids

Reason 1 A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.” The teacher asked, ” What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.

Reason 2 A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

Reason 3 A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year old After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

Reason 4 One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”

Reason 5 The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’ A small voice at the back of the room rang out,”And there’s the teacher, she’s dead. ”

Reason 6 A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..” “Yes,” the class said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”

Reason 7 The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want - God is watching the apples.

If you believe in Jesus Christ put this in your profile and don't just ignore this, because in the Bible it says if you deny me, I will deny you in front of my Father

This is a story about God. Read if you believe in him, and read even if you don't.
A teenage girl about 17 named Diane had gone to visit some friends one evening and time passed quickly as each shared their various experiences of the past year. She ended up staying longer than planned, and had to walk home alone. She wasn't afraid because it was a small town and she lived only a few blocks away.
As she walked along under the tall elm trees, Diane asked God to keep her safe from harm and danger. When she reached the alley, which was a short cut to her house, she decided to take it. However, halfway down the alley she noticed a man standing at the end as though he were waiting for her. She became uneasy and began to pray, asking for God's protection. Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness and security wrapped round her, she felt as though someone was walking with her. When she reached the end of the alley, she walked right past the man and arrived home safely.
The following day, she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same alley just twenty minutes after she had been there. Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her, she began to weep. Thanking the Lord for her safety and to help this young woman, she decided to go to the police station. She felt she could recognize the man, so she told them her story. The police asked her if she would be willing to look at a lineup to see if she could identify him. She agreed and immediately pointed out the man she had seen in the alley the night before. When the man was told he had been identified, he immediately broke down and confessed. The officer thanked Diane for her bravery and asked if there was anything they could do for her. She asked if they would ask the man one question. Diane was curious as to why he had not attacked her. When the policeman asked him, he answered, "Because she wasn't alone. She had two tall men walking on either side of her." Amazingly, whether you believe or not, you're never alone. Did you know that 98 of teenagers will not stand up for God, and 93% of the people that read this won’t repost it?

Put your username on the list if you are of the 7% that will repost this: HalfaGhostGirl13, Du911

I FEAR DEATH!

That's why I believe in god, because I'm scared of what come's after death.

I'm scared of being tortured in hell for eternity.

Yes, pascals wager is more or less my only reason for belief.

Which is why I do not belief myself a true christian.

The true Christians(I feel) are the one's who preach the gospel at the cost of their own lives.

I'll never do that, I'm a coward.

Also on top of that, the idea of a universe with no god just fills me with despair.

Were just insignificant specks?

In a giant cold uncaring universe?

Why get out of bed?

Seriously, I consider the most courageous, most optimistic, most wise of people to be atheists.

They have this mindset of "all life is meaningless."

And still they find the strength to live their lives!

I wish I was that confident.

More power to you guys!

Finally, I just want you guys to know I hate intolerance.

I don't care for it, it makes me uncomfortable.

Frankly, I'd rather give everyone a hug!(a sentiment that has made many people uncomfortable, but what can you do?)

My best friend is a homosexual, he's a wonderful man and I'm proud to be his friend.

And because of him...every night I pray...

"LORD, please let all homosexuals and good non-Christians into heaven, if it means wiping my name from the BOOK OF LIFE, so be it. Thy will be done. AHMEN."

Okay, now you can bring on the flames.

Know that I regret nothing.

Sincerely, du911, AKA d-u, AKA the cowardly christian.

AHMEN

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT BELIEVE IN POLYGAMY. IT'S A SYSTEM DOOMED TO FAILURE. I PUT IT IN MY STORIES STRICTLY FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES.(I apologize to anyone this statement hurts.)

YET ANOTHER DISCLAIMER: I may do A LOT of revenge fics...but that doesn't mean I endorse revenge, such things should be left to God(obvious exceptions are of course self-defense or protecting others). I merely do it because it's therapeutic. This is basically my equivalent of 'Writing and angry letter and tearing it up', by doing this I funnel my anger into a constructive endeavor. Make of that what you will

ONCE MORE; A Disclaimer: I also feel that sex before marriage is a bad idea; in my fics I only do so for entertainment purposes. Also; in them I only have it between the characters who will be together in the end...more importantly their only 'doing it' because they MIGHT die and the world COULD end soon. That's it.

ATTENTION! All stories are up for adoption! This dose NOT mean I won't continue them... If you feel like I'm going to slow...then you have my permission to take/copy these stories for yourself!