NEWS FROM ME:

I updated the Ten Labors! And I moved How to Kill the Whomping Willow from being a separate story into the second chapter of Dear Diary! So that's why it suddenly disappeared. I might continue the story of Dear Diary, but I'm not sure yet.

I should've mentioned this a long time ago, but thanks to Lucy2350 for her work in translating two of my stories, "Dear Diary, I Mean, Journal" and "How to Kill the Whomping Willow", into Spanish! The links can be found on her profile page.

I've created my very first poll: favorite chapter of the Ten Labors? I'm really curious to see the results! This poll will be around for quite awhile (I'm going to announce it in my next update - which will hopefully be in the near future), so if you haven't read the story, now would be a good time to start! I chose the chapters based on the most number of reviews, and I also added in a few personal favorites... Please vote!

New story, "Harry Potter Buys Life Insurance"! It's pretty short and kind of a rough draft that's been sitting around for too long... Let me know what you think; I intend to revise it and maybe add on more chapters in the future... (don't worry, I'm still focused on the Ten Labors!)

Also, the plagiarized version the Ten Labors has now been removed from harrypotterfanfiction . com; thanks for all the support! It's really frustrating when other people take credit for my writing!

January 4, 2008: Once again, I DO NOT HAVE AN ACCOUNT ON ANY OTHER SITE. This is the ONLY site I post at (I don't have anything against any other fanfiction sites, I just don't have time to start new accounts left and right, so I stuck to the one I've already made). What really bothers me about being plagiarized (refer to the author's note from yesterday) is that this person stole my own PEN NAME and actually responded to reviewers while pretending to be ME (which scares me - I feel like my identity has been stolen!).

January 3, 2008: HUGE THANKS to PinkMusicalCherry for letting me know that my story, The Ten Labors of Draco and Hermione, is actually posted on another site by SOMEONE ELSE under the name evil_rabid_plot_bunnies (hmm...). Argh... The link to that story can be found here... (remove the spaces)

www . harrypotterfanfiction . com / viewstory . php ? psid = 211396

I'm not sure what I intend to do in this instance... I don't have an account on that site and I'm not sure how to get into contact with the author... And quite honestly I don't have enough time on my hands to chase down every person who attempts to plagiarize my stories (but I won't be letting things slide, things like this really do bother me). Although I don't exactly MIND people borrowing elements from my stories or translating them, etc., I really appreciate it if you would let me know BEFOREHAND and ask my permission (and please give me credit too).

I only have a fanfiction account on THIS SITE, so if you see my pen name or my stories elsewhere, they are NOT posted by me... (yikes) I'm not sure whether in this instance the author intended to give me credit for the story (hence the pen name although I noticed that part of my profile is copied too... sigh), but for future reference, please do so if you intend to use my stories in that way and ask me before you post... And thanks once again to PinkMusicalCherry! (hugs)

October 21, 2007: Thanks to whoever nominated "How to Kill the Whomping Willow" at the Dramione Awards! Voting starts in a few days, and the link can be found here (take out the spaces): http : // community . livejournal . com / dramione _ awards /

September 28, 2007: A huge thanks to "Mora" who let me know that there is another story, titled "Dear Diary" by just-ching that was nearly exactly the same as my own "Dear Diary, I Mean, Journal"! Thanks for everything, Mora! While I don't mind that you use copied lines from my stories, I would appreciate it if you let me know beforehand so I'm aware of it.

I have just met several persistent roadblocks in the shape of a school, life, and flying monkeys trying to pimp my house. No, I'm serious. Feel free to roll your eyes in disbelief... I'll wait.

If anyone would be kind enough to review or private message me with their favorite quotes from the Ten Labors (and any other of my stories), by all means feel free to do so! If I had enough time to comb my story for hilarious quotes, I might as well have time to update, and I am rather time-crunched at the moment.

Alert: My plot bunnies have run away. If anyone has seen them, please let me know. (I knew I shoulda gone for those tracking devices... but my piggy bank ran away too.) They should be easy to find... seeing how they aren't exactly potty trained... They are strangely attracted to bacon and Dr. Seuss books. Oh, and did I mention that they are lime green?

evilrabidplotbunnies presents:

HOW TO VANQUISH THE DARK LORD.

1. Buy two evilrabidplotbunnies from... erm, from evilrabidplotbunnies (note the underline! If you show up at my house attempting to buy ME, I will not be very happy. Plus, my plot bunnies will probably hatch some evil scheme to kill off Draco... and we know we can't let that happen...).

2. Name the abovementioned evilrabidplotbunnies "gigglesnort" and "chucklesnort" (the names of evilrabidplotbunnies are NOT capitalized! They have the power to defy the Laws of Gravity! I mean, Grammar.)

3. REFRAIN FROM PETTING EVILRABIDPLOTBUNNIES! THEY MUST NOT BE SHOWN WEAKNESS! RESIST THEIR CUTE AND CUDDLY APPEARANCES - THEY ARE EVIL!

4. Feed gigglesnort and chucklesnort a diet consisting of:

a. coffee,

b. coffee,

c. coffee,

d. all of the above.

5. Catapult gigglesnort and chucklesnort into the lair of the Dark Lord. They will take care of the rest. Based on past experience, Voldemort is likely to exclaim, "Ooh! Bunnies!" and commence petting them. Natural instincts will take over and they will tear him apart in search of coffee.

Quotes from my stories:

From "Harry Potter Buys Life Insurance"...

Occupation? Uhh… Student? No, wizard fighting against the evil, nasty, slimy, bald, rhinoplastic Voldemort. Yeah. Nice use of adjectives, Harry.

Recent health concerns? Voldemort, a highly dangerous… thingy.

Contact information? Harry Potter, the former Cupboard Under the Stairs that got remodeled after Dudley exceeded the weight limit of the staircase and broke it after watching a Desperate Housewives Marathon while eating two tubs of ice cream per episode, Little Whinging, Surrey...

As I pondered these deep, critical topics, I heard a knock on the door. “Harry Potter is not here at the moment. Please leave a message!” I cried.

“Harry, dear?” Mrs. Weasley poked her head through the door. She had taken up a habit of checking in on me, ever since I found out the news about my imminent death... “I was wondering if you’d like to come down for some pie...”

“SHUT UP, I’M BUYING LIFE INSURANCE!”

From "Dear Diary, I Mean, Journal"...

“Why did you hit me?” she snarls.

I sneer. “Your nose was too big for your face. I fixed it for you.”

“Oh, yeah? Well your ego is as big as Mars.” Typical Granger, insulting my ego, which is not big, mind you.

“Yo momma is as big as Mars.” That was lame, I know. But I save the good ones for last.

“Yo momma is so fat she-”

And there we were. Me and Granger. Exchanging “Yo Momma” jokes.

From "The Childcare Providers at Death Eaters and Co"...

This did nothing to lower Wormtail’s mood as he danced around in circles, dangling the bags of money.

Finally, Lucius spoke up.

“How exactly did you do it…?”

“I DID WINGARDIUM LEVI-MONEY!”

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SLAP.

“Not fair!” Snape whined. “Bella was the one who called you fat!”

“Oh. Well in that case…” Avery began. Snape smirked in Bella’s direction. He could always tell when a slap was coming on.

SLAP.

“OW! Why’d you hit me again?” Snape clutched his face.

“Because, I can’t hit a girl –” Avery said.

“– but anyone can hit a Snape,” chorused the other Death Eaters.

Snape frowned. “When did we make that rule? And I object to being called a Snape! It makes me sound like I’m in a class all by myself… HEY!”

“It’s an unwritten rule. Just like ‘don’t call a date back the very next day’, ‘don’t regift presents the same Christmas’, and ‘wear green on St. Patrick’s Day’,” said Wormtail.

“How do you know about St. Patrick’s Day?” asked Dolohov. “I thought it was a Muggle holiday.”

“It is. It’s all about the luck of the Irish,” Wormtail said happily.

“You aren’t Irish,” Avery pointed out.

“But I can pretend.” Wormtail sniffed.

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“People!” shouted Dolohov.

“We aren’t people, we’re Death Eaters!” cried Wormtail.

“No, we are Death Eaters. You are a Wormtail,” Bellatrix corrected.

“And Snape is a Snape!” added Avery.

“What on earth is a Snape? And why does it sound like a bad thing?” Snape wondered.

“Snape represents a certain point in middle-aged wizards when you lose all cleanliness, fun, and hair,” quipped Wormtail.

From "My Lord the Pharmacist"...

“Oh, you’re right; I have to play it cool.” Wormtail ran his hand through his hair in what he thought was a sexy manner, except for the fact that he had only ten hairs, and his fingernails were very dirty and cracked.

Lucius blinked. Talk about life-scarring.

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“Boom pff, squeaky boom-boom pff, boom pff, squeaky boom-boom chicka…” Lucius began.

Wormtail tried to clear his throat, but sounded as if he was choking. Lucius was amused. Wormtail began, “Now all you Eaters of Death, ya got really bad breath, and every Thursday you cook up some meth…”

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Avery stared at him. “What’s gangsta?”

“It’s… It’s… This Muggle thing where they get into groups and beat each other up,” Wormtail said.

“That sounds fun! Where do I join?” Avery asked.

“You know, it seems as if we’re already in a gang…” Snape said slowly. “I mean, we are the Death Eaters… And we basically terrorize the world… Or at least the lower southwestern part of the Magical community just outside of-”

“Yea! We ARE in a gang! This is so cool!” Wormtail exclaimed. “I love gangs, but I never thought I’d be in one!”

“Wormtail, how stupid are you?” Lucius remarked. “No, don’t answer that.”

“Why not?” Wormtail asked.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

“Last Monday, I went up to the Dark Lord to give him his coffee, and I casually suggested that all the Death Eaters should agree on this secret hand signal!” Wormtail explained happily.

“Why?” Snape asked.

“Because we’re just that cool,” Wormtail replied.

Wormtail looked smug. “And then the Dark Lord told me that I was the most brilliant person he had ever met, excluding himself, Snape, Lucius, Avery, Dolohov, the Lestranges, and Rookwood.”

“Like that says much,” Lucius said. “He’s barely met anyone else without crucio-ing them! I think he’s developed an unhealthy addiction to that spell, which reinforces our humble opinion…”

“…He needs therapy.” Lucius, Avery, and Snape said simultaneously.

Lucius sighed. “Wormtail, Wormtail, Wormtail…”

“Don’t you triple-Wormtail me!” Wormtail protested.

“What are the three things never to mention to the Dark Lord?” Lucius continued.

“I don’t know!” Wormtail said.

“Harry Potter, his hair loss, and his lack of a nose,” Avery, Lucius, and Snape chorused.

“Oops… That explains the string of crucio’s I’ve been getting recently,” Wormtail said.

“No, wait, lemme guess, you inquired as to the nature of his very ugly-looking nose,” Snape guessed.

“No, and really Snape, you should stop guessing. I simply recommended that he use a hair-strengthening shampoo… And then suggested that he wash his hair… Before commenting that he had no hair…” Wormtail replied.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

They test you on whether or not you can complete your sentences?” Wormtail asked incredulously.

“Yeah, its like: ‘Wormtail made Voldemort angry, so Voldemort pulled out his wand and said blank’,” Lucius said.

“And they give you four answer choices,” Snape said.

“Ooh, ooh! I know the answer! Crucio!” Avery shouted, waving his wand in a demonstration.

“AHH!” Wormtail screamed as he was accidentally crucio’d by Avery.

So... About my stories...

The Ten Labors of Draco and Hermione: Ah, yes, my most beloved (and most popular) story. Please read it; it'll make you laugh... a lot. Do not read if you are currently in a library.

My Love: My very fist fanfic! Yay! Although with a few flaws and poor planning...

Avada: A sad little oneshot I wrote when I was feeling sad one day... My second attempt at angst/tragedy themes...

Lost and Humiliated: Abe's Revenge: A oneshot about... Dumbledore's brother getting revenge. Ahem.

Goodbye Forever: Not one of my personal favorites, really. Short story about Draco/Hermione... It would've made a better oneshot, but I'm too lazy to do any editing. Heh. I think this was my first attempt at angst...

Attack of the Facial Flaws: Hee-hee! My cute litte oneshot about... well... facial flaws! Please read!

The Childcare Providers at Death Eaters and Co.: Kinda on hold because I'm working hard on The Ten Labors. But, I still love this story and I will definitely finish one day, because I have lots of awesome ideas! But for now, I want to concentrate on The Ten Labors, because I really love my story!

My Lord the Pharmacist: A story I wrote in honor of the first anniversary of this fanfiction account. Lots of random-ness in this story... And it's sort of plot-less right now. Oh, also, the story has nothing to do with pharmacists; it's just a bad analogy (you'll understand the title when you read the story). I'm not sure whether to continue the story or just leave it as a one-shot. Don't expect it to be updated too frequently, though. I mainly update the Ten Labors.

Dear Diary, I Mean, Journal: This is a Dramione oneshot I wrote when I was bored a few days ago. Please read it! It's a funny story (written in Draco's point of view) of Draco writing in his diary, I mean, journal.

Obituary: Yet another Dramione oneshot, except this one is sad. The quotation marks wouldn't show up in the summary. Sigh. I'm not entirely satisfied with this story, so I'd really appreciate it if you read it and reviewed, letting me know how the story can be improved.

How to Kill the Whomping Willow: The sequel to Dear Diary, I Mean, Journal! Please read, I like this story. I'm undecided as to whether or not I should add it as another chapter to Dear Diary...

Harry Potter Buys Life Insurance: This is kind of a rough draft; my brain died and I ran out of ideas halfway through but it's been sitting around for so long that I decided to put it up... I'm planning on editing and adding more stuff later.

Is there an order in which I recommend that you read my stories?

Well, first I would say start the Ten Labors if you have some time (I think it moves pretty quickly for the most part) because I just love that story the most, and it cracks me up all the time. If you're short on time, I'd say read Dear Diary, I Mean, Journal and How to Kill the Whomping Willow (its sequel) if you're looking for a quick laugh. After that, perhaps My Lord the Pharmacist, Attack of the Facial Flaws, and, my newest story, Harry Potter Buys Life Insurance (lots of humor in those stories). Personally, my earlier stories (such as My Love, Lost and Humiliated, Avada, and Goodbye Forever) are not my favorites; I feel as if my writing has changed (hopefully in a good way) a lot since then (I wrote those when I was much younger) and there are lots of poorly-written parts in those stories I would like to change (although I've decided not to so I can keep them as they are to look back upon).

evil (adjective)

1. Not good.

2. Naughty.

rabid (adjective)

1. Of or affected by rabies.

2. Raging, uncontrollable.

plot (noun)

1. The sequence of events in a literary work.

2. A secret plan that may result in the killing of J. K. Rowling's characters.

bunnies (noun, plural)

1. Young rabbits.

2. Symbolic icons often seen on birthday cards or in the garden. Frequently depicted in the media (i.e. "Bugs Bunny").

evil + rabid + plot + bunnies = evilrabidplotbunnies

evilrabidplotbunnies (noun)

1. Naughty, uncontrollable young rabbits (who possibly have rabies) that create secret plans to harm others.

2. ME.

If you love God with your whole heart and are 100 percent proud of it, copy & paste this in your profile.

Whew... Yes, I have a long profile. Heehee.

Now, go read my stories, please!