Are we do e with this story or we down to something?

Damn bro. Here a nigga be, almost three years later still comin back to this godamn story. If this never gets finished i’ll fuckin jerk off in my own ashes

I need more of this fucking good story bro! Man i cant stop reading all of it. It took me a whole 18 hours to read it all! Please do more.

Finally here at last. Might actually end up being my shortest review. Inb4 I write an research paper on it. But nah. Hm, where do I start... I guess I'll just say that this story is finally progressing. Just a bummer that it took so long to get the ball rolling. The world is steadily getting built up. Characters are fleshing out. Shane is finally getting something akin to development. There's been less chunky paragraphs, though that might be because there's less action.
Few negatives sprinkled here and there but this story has honestly averaged out really well. Still a startling lack of use of other legendaries and their Champions. Actually, how do they choose their Champions? Because it seems pretty random to me. You'd think they'd choose like-minded individuals to train but most champions don't seem to really... mesh with their legendaries. At least the ones we've seen.
That's... honestly all I have to talk about. Again, this story has averaged out. As in, a lot of things this story should've been doing, it's now doing. But it's not doing those things great. Not poorly though. I feel like this it's finally on its way to becoming great... and it seems to have been abandoned. Sigh.
So I'm going to follow and hope someday that it gets picked up again. Not going to favorite though as that would imply that I like the story, which in all honesty, I don't. Now I don't dislike it, I'm merely... interested. I want to like this story. But I also want it to get better. Anyway guess... I'm done. Have a good one.

Whoo, finally got here. I'm actually gonna start with negatives as there might actually be more positives. So earlier I complained quite heavily that characters only acting one way and that's changed for the most part but... not in a good way. Some characters have straight up 180'd within a chapter. I'm still recovering from the whiplash of Chelsea's character. I have no problems with her going from raging cunt to nice girl but that's like... development that should take place over the entire story.
Next, still some chunky paragraphs. It's getting a bit better though so yay.
I still can't get a handle on relationships in this story. I mean, supposedly it was supposed to be a 'harem gone wrong' or whatnot but that seems to be mostly abandoned by this point. Though for better or worse I can't tell as you seem to be focusing more on the actual story now.
Also, you're lack of use of the cast of characters is kind of annoying in my opinion. I mean, lemme try and review which legendaries I think we haven't even been introduced to yet. Zapdos, Raikou, Suicune, Ho-oh, Lugia, the Regis, Kyogre, Rayquaza, Deoxys, the Lake Trio, Palkia, Regigas, Cresselia (the one I'm most surrounded hasn't been involved tbh) and Manaphy. Like, this is just off the top of my head of characters that have basically only been mentioned briefly or like... never mentioned. And that includes a lot of their champions too. Like there's too many characters that we just haven't met. But as with my previous reviews, there's still more to the story and I'm praying we get to meet some later on.
Now Shane... he's just... oof. He has his moments both good and bad but for me it's for the most part... not good. Or at least your portrayal of him. Like when he was like "The amount of people I've killed haunts me and whatnot" (I'm paraphrasing of course) and that whole spiel to Zack, I was just thinking "Wow, weird how we haven't seen that before... AT ALL." So either he lyin or you're just not showing how deep his character can actually be. Which is kinda important. And again, his whole personality flip is just off putting. Also heavily disagree with Arceus's decision to appoint Shane as second in command. Heck, Arceus shouldn't be leading. They're both far too clouded by their emotions and not willing to sacrifice for the greater good.
And the Organization. Still a big question mark. I mean, now it's like they control a good portion of the... country at least? Still not sure if this is a global scale issue. Still full of stormtroopers.
And the Champions. They still feel kinda... underwhelming that most of them have been training at the hall for 3 years at the least (because Sheryl said she was the latest before Shane but had been there for over 2 years right?) yet Shane overtakes them easily within 7 months or whatever? Which again, is just kinda retconned by him being Arceus's son. Kinda takes away from his supposed hard work before we find out. And yet again, we still haven't met what feels like most of them.
Zack, I have about as much to say as the depth of his personality. So next to nothing. He's basically just "Notice me senpai" in a nutshell.
That was harsh of me, but not inaccurate. Hm... nothing else comes to mind so guess what I can talk about? The positives! Because this story has gotten better, PRAISE THE SUN!
Action and writing quality blah blah blah we've been over that.
The world is being expanded upon and I love it. Because we still know next to nothing but that is better than nothing at all. I'm hoping the world building keeps trucking along going forward.
Exposition! Huzzah! We're getting some history explained as well! And while bits of it don't make sense, they leave a lot of questions and provoke us to think.
Characters actually getting fleshed out personalities? Wow, I almost feared that wouldn't happen in this story. And the most interesting characters are the secondary characters. I'm actually more invested in them than any of the main or supporting characters.
Alright so there aren't as many positives as I'd hoped. But the number of negatives has gone down while positives has gone up. Probably average this story at around 6.5~7/10.
Oh sorry, I somehow forgot the biggest negative I've noticed up till this point. As of this chapter, there is no real conflict. Now there's the Organization but like... I'm waiting for them to do something more than get roflstomped by Shane. Y'know, they can be serious villains... I think. Like, lowkey wondering how they weren't beat by the legendaries themselves. Because outside of numbers they have... nothing it seems.
Anyway, this story is improving bit by bit and I hope that when I get to 31, I'll have more good things to say.

Well here I am... chapter 11. Welp, let me open with an oof, and then follow up by saying that, again, you're writing is pretty good. I haven't noticed any real improvements but it's good. Occasional misspelling/grammar thing but I don't care enough about that to really focus on it. But the paragraphs mah dude... oh lordy I hope at some point you go back over your chapters and split up some of those chunky paragraphs. Not sure if you think it'd take away from the flow of action but it doesn't. In fact, long paragraphs make it appear really dragged out (might've skimmed a good portion of them tbh). Now onto the actual content. It's... decent. I feel like you at least know where you're going with the story which is more than what I can say for most of mine so good job. But the BIGGEST problem is that this story has next to no depth. And I'm trying to be nice... kinda. Like, again, I'm no professional. Just some guy sharing his opinion without being an asshole. Well, without being a huge asshole. But like, I'm 11 chapters into this and I know next to nothing about... everything? Still have 20 chapters so I'm praying some stuff gets explained and built upon. For example, SHANE. We're this far and I still don't know much about him. I mean, there's vague stuff about his parents (er, fake ones I guess) and that he had been living on the streets, fighting to survive. But did he go to school? If not, how does he know how to read or do math? Did he teach himself? How'd he do that? How does he know so much about guns? How does Shelby pick up a gun and just go "Lmao, just point and shoot ez" meanwhile this 'Organization' full of trained soldiers are like "They're behind that table, let's shoot everything except the table! How are they not dead yet?!"
I'm getting off track, but while we're talking about them, this 'Organization'. In all honesty, not hating the name. It's stupidly generic yeah, but it's not stupidly convoluted so... pro-con. But like... what are they even? I mean, I know that they're this mass organization of gangs bent on... world domination... I think? Like, what's their actual goal? How big are they actually and why do they hire straight from stormtrooper craigslist? I feel like they're supposed to be this global sized threat yet they don't feel like it. I mean one guy starts taking out some of their bases and they go "Welp guess we're exposed, better come out of the shadows." Does this story take place globally or is this all in one country/continent? I dunno man.
Alright steaming along to character portrayal, which I feel is adequate at best. One thing I will say you do brilliantly is portraying Shane as a child. You might not even be doing it on purpose tbh. While he certainly has his 'mature' moments like slaughtering a bunch of people without hesitation, those make us forget that he's 15 (now 16 as of chapter 10 tho). But then we see how fragile and immature his own thought process is sometimes and it's like "Why is he acting like a kid? O shit dat's right, he only 15."
So that's good... now, the bad stuff. Pretty much every character is one dimensional. They're basically "Here's my one character trait and I'm sticking to it". But hey, we might see a change going forward from this chapter in some characters... I hope. But seriously, every character, even supporting one's like Darkrai and Shelby, only act a certain way and it's gotten beyond predictable. But again, hoping these next chapters will bring about great change.
Now Shane. While I praised an aspect of him earlier, there's more than just that to his character and not everything is good. Like how he goes from "Gosh I'm so weak, brb just gotta go curbstomp these cops, y'know, because I'm weak" to "I trained for seven [I think?] months, just solo lolrekt this base of what's basically an organized militia because they're n00bs" to now being "Oh they call you legendaries? Well guess what, you can all call me... Daddy."
I've said it before and I'll say it now, you're power scaling is bullshit. BeCaUsE pOwEr ScAlInG fAnFiCs PrOvEs I'm An InTeLlEcTuAl. And now he's the son of Arceus? :l Feels like a retcon more than an explanation. God I have so much to talk about. Genuinely sorry about how long these are and will be going forward.
Shane and Shelby's relationship. I'm gonna have to give you a big oof on this one. Two high schoolers with no relationship experience (at least on Shane's end. Shelby's past might as well not exist) just getting together and falling so deeply in love... and having sex. Mkay yeah sure dude, 11/10 would vote couple of the year. Alright, that was me purposely being an ass, my bad. But despite how much I shit on romances and romcoms, I FUCKING LOVE THEM. But this. This literally feels like high schoolers pretending that they're adults and know exactly what they're doing and somehow everything works out a-okay. The biggest test their relationship has had was "Hey I gotta go fight this army" "Don't die" "Already have" "Lol k"
WHERE'S THE DRAMA? They're kids! They should be awkward as fuck around another ESPECIALLY BECAUSE IT'S THEIR FIRST TIME. That lemon scene was not bad. But it did not feel like two 15/16 y/o kids but two people in their late 20s having a fling. I don't want that with this story, I wanted the kids having sex :O
Hol up, I think the FBI just showed up at my door. And is that Chris Hansen? Oh boy I hope they brought pizza!
Erm, sorry, lost the plot of this review. I'll stop now before I bring more shame upon my family. So in short, I'm a sad little man giving heavy critique on a story written on the internet for fun. But I do that because guess what, THIS STORY CAN BE SO MUCH BETTER! It has so much potential, and it's getting carried by the quality of writing and the action scenes harder than Eden Hazard carries Chelsea (haha, soccer joke). The characters and setting have as much depth as a one dimensional line. If I didn't know there was more to the story I'd probs rate this 4/10... okay no that's harsh. I'd rate that based on the characters and story content. If I were to base it off of quality of writing and action scenes 7.5~8/10. So that basically averages to 6/10. But I know there's more to this story and it has the possibility and potential to be 8/10 across the board, maybe even higher. And I really really really really really really really really really REEEEEEEAAAAAAAALLLLY hope it gets better.

Hm, well unfortunately it seems like this story was dropped, but just in case you're still checking reviews I'll leave some. I'll try and leave them every ten or so chapters. Just to get it out of the way, I'll talk about your actual writing which is... good. I'm not someone who focuses on grammar and such unless it actually interferes with my ability to understand the story. I hope going forward that you're a little more conscious on the length of your paragraphs but it wasn't anything excruciating. Now into the content... oof. I'm gonna be straight and say that I hope it greatly improves going forward. Character introductions left me with a 'meh' impression. But it can easily be redeemed by good character development which I'm hoping for. Now the fight scene was just... like, I really don't want to be an ass but it wasn't good. Not the action itself, the action was good. I will say that. But doesn't Shane literally say a few paragraphs earlier that he wasn't very strong and that he didn't know if he'd be able to win? And then he proceeds do dispatch 5 cops, y'know who despite being corrupt they have to be pretty freaking tough to be around that kind of environment, within the length of a song. Which brings me to my next point, when he put in earbuds right before getting in a fight. I'm not quite sure if you've ever been in a fight yourself, specifically a group fight, but you need to be very aware of your surroundings. Now I'm not proclaiming to be some fighting expert, but purposely limiting your hearing in a fight is only a bit less stupid than putting on a blindfold over your eyes. So either he's stupid or actually extremely arrogant. But that would contradict his thoughts that he admitted that he wasn't that good in a fight... but then he knocks out five people in 4.5 minutes (had to look up the length of that song just for reference)? At least 4 of whom were armed. And he knocks them all out, even worried at one point that he might've killed one, in a few hits. Like... what? Does he not know how strong he is? Because knowing you're weak and knowing you're inexperienced are two different things. Everything else in this chap were aight. Just kind of setting the scene and building up the foundation for character relations and whatnot. Now the ending scene... all I've gotta say is that if he's actually committing suicide then I'm calling such shenanigans. "Hey I actually did something good, met someone really nice and ate a meal for the first time in x amount of time... welp time to end it on a high note." Like naw fam. But maybe he's doing something else idk. I'll go to the next chapter and find out then. So in short, you're writing is good and if it continues in this quality then I'll be able to read this pretty easily. Your power scaling is bullshit though. I'll leave another review on chapter 11 probably, with more positive stuff to say hopefully. Now I will end saying that I'm no professional writer and my writing is decent at best, I'm simply giving my initial thoughts on this first chapter. I'm not expecting you to suddenly come out of hiatus to change this story into how I see fit, just take my words into consideration and go from there. See ya in ten chapters.

The run time of this fic was two and-a-half years... and it hasn't been updating in one and-a-half years... meaning we can't call this dead for another year. Please update! This is a really good story, with some of the best action I've read in Fanfiction, and even has pretty good character dynamics alongside an awesome plot! Please continue!

And thanks for the fic.

I read the fight scene while listening to King For A Day and holy shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit its fits perfectly and I applaud your music choice

I would love a hookshot between Shane and Darkrai! Keep the story going!

Wowserz its ded

Almost 11 months I guess its on death row now

It's dead isn't it

Please, continue writing.

A if it affects something, E if it has an effect on something.