Moooooore

Been too long, I know. Loved the Gym battles in the last and this current chapter. I like the fact that Raydin can be himself a bit around Paul. He deserves a bit of a outlet to be himself albeit briefly. I like the more than 8 Gyms aspect. I like that a lot. Will give a new spotlight to more of Unova and gice Raydin a good challenge. Will be nice seeing the Rocket side of things soon and a porper fight between Raydin and Ash given that ending. That will epic. Hope all is well.

came here from your tepig story I love this story almost as much as that one I'm I'm a little late to the game considering I ran to the whole story today I'm a die-hard poke shipper but your writing is good enough that I'm down to read this ship I don't mind your pacing at all and look forward to riding this wave

Here’s what I thought of your first chapter. I’ll be focusing more on the writing part than the overall plot. I’ll give it to you in point format so it’s easy for you to follow:

Disclaimer: It’s easier to point errors in others work, so forgive me if I sound too harsh at places. Take whatever I say with a grain of salt. Writing is weird, sometimes a sentence or a passage makes more sense and sounds better only when you break all the rules. I may also go off in tangents, too. My brain’s too turbulent :P

1. Tags (Dialogue/action): Try to use either one of them while writing, of course, there are time when you want to use both, but most of the times, ask yourself if you can get rid of either one of them. If you can get rid of something (not always), and the sentence still makes sense and conveys what you want you, then get rid of it, period.

E.g. “Thunder Punch!” Alain ordered, thrusting his arm forward.

Can be written as: “Thunder Punch!” Alain thrusted his arm forward.

E.g. “Aerial Ace, all of you!” Ash replied swinging his arms like Greninja does while using said move.

Can be written as: “Aerial Ace, all of you!” Ash swung his arms like Greninja does while using said move.

*There is a floating opinion in the creative writing field that a writer should avoid –ing words as much as possible, not always, as much as possible. Some even claim they should be avoided at all costs, but I find that ridiculous. Though –ing words give a sense of urgency and show the action, reading in simple past, especially in battles is more easier and better*

*There are many more tricks to writing a battle, to keep things pacey, but we’ll get to that later on*

2. Punctuation: You don’t have many errors in this area, except one repeating error, which I consider blasphemy. It is dialogue punctuation.

There are two types of tags, action and dialogue/speech tag. Dialogue tags are: said, replied, asked, wondered, thought, guessed, etc. Those which don’t convey any action. They should never be punctuated with a period/full stop but a comma.

E.g. “It’s too bad it has to end now.” He said. [Wrong. Here ‘he said’ is stating the manner in which information is conveyed, not any action, so it becomes a part of the dialogue, not a separate entity]

Correct: “It’s too bad it has to end now,” he said.

But action tags can be used with full stops. Commas too, in a way, but I’d stay away from those waters since a few readers find it incorrect.

E.g. “It’s too bad it has to end now.” His lips curled into a smirk. [Correct]

Solution to this: Pick up any of you favourite published book and watch how dialogues are punctuated. Even better, use Grammarly.

3. POVs: I see that you’re using omniscient POV and revealing the thoughts of all you characters whenever needed. I’d refrain from that if possible. Omniscient POV, in my opinion, is very tough to pull off. You need a lot of experience to do that or else it’ll seem like head-hopping which is an instant story killer. Try to stick to one POV per scene and don’t jump from one head to another. It’ll help your readers to connect more with the characters. If you want to see how omniscient POV is done with skill, I’d recommend you read the book, ‘Neverwhere’ by Neil Gaiman.

4. When writing action scenes, try to keep sentences short and abrupt. Use simple past tense. Use more verbs. It gives a fast pace. Don’t describe much of the action but more the impact of the action. Write the yelling of people. The smoke billowing. A lost little kid crying. People being squashed and ran over. Try to find the smallest details and write about them.

If you want more insights then PM me on what you want to work on. I’m not an expert but I’ll let you know what all I can.

Hope you find this insightful.
Peace,
XXLXXL-009.

Not sure if this will be addressed in later chapters but I will write this review because then I won't forget about it.

Is he stupid enough to use his crime fighting alias as a public persona? That is like Bruce Wayne going into an event as batman, dress as Wayne. It is even worse for ash because not only does Giovanni know about raidyn, he knows he is ash Ketchum. Once he gets info that raidyn is in unova and he gets contact with team flare then they know that raidyn is ash, and that ash will be in known locations.

I repeat;he could have used any named but his vigilante name and this wouldn't happen! The whole point was to make a new name that was completely unrelated to him, but he took the ONE name that is linked to ash Ketchum. Good job ash, you're a genius.

Glad to see an update after all! I was beginning to think your once a year update wasn't going through lol. Like I said, glad to see it though, I'll be with you the whole ride

Ash and Paul battling together was a great twist, I wasn't expecting that so soon but boy am I glad we got it already. The circumstances were great, made just enough sense of everyone involved and in my opinion you chose the right people and time to do this with. They worked together expertly, but believably because of the differences and similarities in their training styles.

Exciting battle work as always, you absolute madman. Looking forward to Ash vs. Marlon and seeing what you have Paul do in the meanwhile. Possibly more on Gary, too?

Wow. Love your story so far and can't wait for more.

Yes! An update!
Though understandable how it has been difficult. Hope thay you feel you have a reasonable path for some more chapters now!
Semester start back up soon? Hope it goes well.
So it probably is Flare that has contacted Giovanni, my guess as well.
Will we see Mew or Mewtwo contact Ash?

EYY, IT'S TONY2SHANKS. Finally cooked up a RARE and JUICY chapter! Thanks a lot, really enjoyed reading the interactions/battle with Iris and Drayden. Good to see these two and their Pokemon fighting against a Champion and Gym Leader DRAGON mains as equals. Maybe they're even above their skill level! To some extent, at least. Good to hear that Ash will start questioning his decision to pass himself off as Raidyn Stark. The reveal is super anticipated, partly because of the drama that his friends will (rightfully) bring up. Like damn man, I can't wait to see how he explains himself at that point. Especially the girls. His disappearance is such a huge taboo subject. I mean, Gary and Paul are gonna have some explaining to do to. Lots of lying by omission going on. But it'll all be worth the wait to read. Until then, I hope to see Ash interact with Cynthia now that this is officially a Rayshipping fic. Can't remember if he has already since it's been so long, I'll probably have to reread. Thanks again for the chapter, I can't wait to see what happens next!

Iris being champion is ehhhh

Making catching legendaries illegal? Well, thats stupid

That NPC guy is right though,your battles really are amazing and a real thrill to read. That whole segment with the metal burst was just so good, I can imagine something like that happening in the show but they don't really try to blow your mind (probably because people would bitch that its not like how the games do it, even now people don't get that the anime is somewhat of its own thing and constantly keep applying game logic to everything). I'm really looking forward to see what happens next but be sure to take as much time as you need, life can get really hectic at times.

please block the fucking asshole cyberbully Jess loves Austin. he hates all of the girls that Ash traveled with except for May.

There quite a combination Ash & Paul hope there's a double battle segment in the league these two need to pair up again.

It's Ash May moronic hippo