SYSTEM ACTIVATED

TRANSFERRING DATA...

...COMPLETE

*kkzzztttt*

?: Odysseus? Odysseus? Do you read?

Odysseus: I heard you the first time, Fortuna. What is it this time?

Fortuna: I heard that you have already made it to the other place with little problems.

Odysseus: Duh. You forgot that Azathoth already helped me open a path there. With the other co-ordinates and the magic, I made it back safely.

Fortuna: About her... She needs a report.

Odysseus: Then tell her this: Sugaku Yasei is a worthy Outsider indeed, and I see that he will be at least a decent ally in dire times. By the way, I rendezvoused with Vaati and Luke.

Fortuna: It’s good, but wouldn’t it surprise them if you used sukima to leave them?

Odysseus: And you forget what I did to get this power. 4 long painful years, Fortuna. Four was required for me to simple just be able to use sukimas.

Fortuna: Then Border Manipulation

Odysseus: Very funny, but no dice, It would take me f**king eons to even be able to get that skill up to scratch, and I ain’t screwing with time, space and concepts, when I barely scratched the surface for them.

Fortuna: Say, did you...

Odysseus: Yeah, I did. I met your alternative self. She’s not much different.

Fortuna: Say, do you really have that much confidence in that guy? Sure, he’s more or less the same boat as you, but I have doubts he will be able to be a good ally for all of us. Especially with FHAT Omen coming.

Odysseus: *sighs* Alright, one, just because you know about the Oracle countdown, doesn’t mean you’re allowrd to speak of it much. Especially to me. Two, Yasei will pull through, even if I have to forfeit my ‘mysterious observer’ status to be trusted and befriended by him. I made a promise to look for help, and Sugaku Yasei is too good of a person to throw off.

Fortuna: By the way, when will you throw that mask off your face, and be who you really are, *REDACTED*? I know this is killing you.

Odysseus: ...It must be done. Inform the others, Fortuna. I’m closing off.

Fortuna: I see... Best of luck... friend.

Odysseus: You too, *inaudible*. I’ll make sure that Luke and Vaati are cared for.

Odysseus: Even if I have to reveal my damned past and transformation to them...

END CONNECTION.

Well, in order to answer you question, of whether you're being a disgrace or not, I can say that you aren't. Although you have problems in your story, you are still doing this, because you enjoy writing these kinds of stories, and I appreciate that. In fact, you're doing well to avoid making sure your OC Yasei does not end up falling into the common cliche holes, such as having unexplained abilities, and I see that you draw reference from Vaati Star. In fact, I too have drawn inspiration from him, to write on about my own character Richard becoming a full-fledged resident of Gensokyo himself, and becoming a major part of the daily life of the residents, including all sorts of wild shenanigans. I support you on your journey to continue this story.

Anyway, I do have one little problem with this. I have read Vaati's story well, and I do believe that Vaati would not be even male at this point, because due to a certain... incident in one of the intermission arcs of the first book, it is shown that he is now a 'she' permanently. Just keep this in mind, please.

By the way, I like how you stick to Touhou canon. Not many writers can be able to make sure that the characters remain true to their canon selves at a believable degree.

Ah... yes, right.

...I like your, um, vague concept, I guess, even if I can't get behind working off of the whacky shells of other people's works so much.

Some basics!

Hadn't a clue what was going on in the first paragraph there. Just seemed like a series of plot events that really do nothing to draw me in. I gue~ss note a bit more strongly that this takes place after some other fic- I know it's in the pre-AN but it doesn't really excuse the bad exposition dump.

Try separating the scene breaks with at least one symbol, or maybe some center alignment. Like, "Yakumo Residence..." at least in the center of the page or something so it doesn't throw people off by looking like a sentence akin to the others.

"Not many people who can found Mayohiga, and even less that have confronted her on Spring Snow incident."

Fi~rst that grammar is just bad. Sorry, but that's how it is! Like- this whole sentence needs a rewrite. Should be something like:

"Not many people can find Mayohiga, and even less confront her there."

Less anvilicious, doesn't kill grammar dead and doesn't hurt anyone's soul. Not gonna point out other instances since it's kinda apparent, just watch out for that.

...Except for this one, yo. "It's a bad news for him". It's a -bad news- for him, dude...

Dialogue: separate different speakers onto new paragraphs, and include ways to identify the speaker. Don't have more than one character speak in one paragraph, it's confusing and to the more literary proficient it's awkward to read. If you need examples, read some works that do as I describe, they're here in this very section. Just be sure to open a lot of examples and not simply use something like Vaati Star's or whatever you regularly read, since his prose/dialogue was pretty funky last time I saw, and that Kurzov guy of his was totally knuckleheaded when it came to accepting constructive criticism.

I'd also say this story needs severely more controlled pacing so that events have coherency, but that might be better sorted when you add linebreaks. I mean- they're there, and they're chronological, but... that's it. S'not pretty!

You can pace things better by adding prose to describe locations a little and not just tell us we're there. Makes for better scene settin'!

...It's a little awkward how your narrator (i.e. the voice from prose not said by characters) is opinionated. Do what you will of course, but that practice is always super cheeky, naive and heavy-handed looking. Leaving readers to implicate these things themselves is a far stronger method and a million times as professional, forgive any perceived hyperbole.

You can leave some lines of dialogue free of prose but please, if two or more people are talking do us all a favor and add some idle indicators/prose (i.e. short bit with the characters name on, can be action related to speech or otherwise). So we can, y'know, actually know who's talking and perhaps see more of what they're doing than talking, depending.

Contrived plots and things are fine as conscious decisons and all, but please focus on characterization and getting your readers to know characters better outside of just a word wall of them going "hey i'm an OC, i'm super cool, hahahaha", like... also, some prose to elucidate on some of the transitions would be nice. Some of them just seem to happen.

Have a good one, yo!