like were your going with it keep it up cant wait for next chapter

I can see this worth a second look over, but I like how it turned out. Nice touch to have Takato going into an inner world like place inside his Digivice instead of his own mind, it had a Bleach feel to it.

Okay. So I’ve done a skim and I’ve done a bit more in depth-reading. Unfortunately, there are some issues with the story.

The first and most prominent that I noticed is that the story isn’t very good at immersing the reader into the piece. We are introduced to Takato and Guilmon straight away, on their first introduction in the fic and that’s it. Generally, you want to make sure that the audience has an idea who the characters are when introducing them, through descriptions and behavior, both of which are lacking in this. They show up just in time to get attacked, and I’m not sure as to why a reader should care about these two (a rule of thumb: don’t assume the reader will always know who you’re talking about and why they should care about them).

Scenes have minimal descriptions and have little in the way of separation between each other. This is especially jarring when transitioning from the start of Takato’s fight with Titamon to the school where seemingly everyone – including Rika, who was previously in a private school and Henry who was in a separate class – is. Given how the school system functions in Japan, there’s no guarantee that any of the Tamers would be in the same school. At the age that they’re in, they have to take exams to get into high school, and not all schools are going to be for every Tamer based on what they pursue. Henry would want to get into a *really* good school, and Rika would likely test into an equally good school, unless the all-girl’s school is all she needs from start to finish. In either case, the lack of scene separations makes it really hard to tell when scenes are changing and I had to go back and reread twice to make sure I knew what was going on, particularly that, yes, Takato’s friends didn’t just show up out of nowhere.

Additionally, you have a lot of speaking and thoughts, even from different characters, all jammed together in the same paragraph, which makes it hard to tell who’s talking/thinking. Keep speakers separate from one another. This will keep things organized and allow the reader to more easily follow what’s going on.

There’s some logical weirdness with the school needing to insist on the Tamers not going anywhere to deal with a dangerous (Mega level) bio-emergence unless they get parental permission/Hypnos’ permission (and Hypnos takes a bizarrely long time to do this, and for some reason only sends a representative instead of calling? Also, no explanation of Hypnos in this story or why the school needs to wait for them to let the Tamers do anything). Never mind the fact that Rika wouldn’t have cared what the school did, it strikes me as odd that the Tamers would sit still for this or that the school would do the same even in the face of evidence of a watching a news report on it (did the teacher do this to torment them?). And even then, most of the scene there’s not much in the way of tension in the battle. The villain boasts impressive stats, but in the whole 10,000 plus words, doesn’t come off as such despite having a dangerous signature move. Additionally, the Tamers joke and laugh and some even seem to be interested in playing up Takato’s battle prowess to Rika, giving the impression that they not only aren’t worried despite the serious danger Takato is in, but that the whole chapter isn’t about anything other than showing off how awesome Takato is.

(as an aside, Ryo doesn’t seem to have these problems as he’s older, and the same goes for Beelzemon, who doesn’t attend a school, so why are they only showing up as soon as everyone else does?)

Some bits don’t really have a very effective idea of power scaling (or physical size), such as the use of MegaGargomon’s two big missiles, which pack a very heavy punch (and it’s safe to say that destroying a city block is the bare minimum of what they’re capable of, and he uses these pretty casually in the fight to deal with Titamon without regard for any innocents in the area), and MegaGargomon himself is *huge* and can damage an area just by walking around, and you have him fighting in a fairly small area amidst a crowd with seemingly no problems.

The use of bold is a no-no in story writing. I know I did it in my early works, but that was before I found out that bold is distracting because it draws more attention to itself than the others. Italics are a better way to go with this.

You have an unusual logical problem with Titamon knowing who Takato is and believing him to be the leader of the Tamers. How does he know this? The Tamers didn’t meet that many digimon in the digital world and their names weren’t regularly spoken in so far as we know during their time in the digital world.

There’s another issue where Takato gets injured by Titamon’s sword (and this is a concern because Titamon is at least as tall as Gallantmon, and his sword is fairly long and easily of the kind that would be use to kill horses in ancient warfare). Given the massive size of the sword involved in the strike that Takato took, calling a cut ‘deep’ would be like saying the Grand Canyon is a pothole in the road. The sword is *huge* and has a lot of mass to it and it’s traveling at a downward angle that catches Takato on his left shoulder and goes all the way down to the right side of his hip. Unless Takato is absurdly lucky in positioning, he should have been cut in half and died there on the spot. But even without that, the sword has enough mass to it that just the impact alone would cause a number of internal injuries, especially since you describe it as striking the ground with a ‘thunderous boom,’ suggesting that there was a significant shockwave involved on impact, and Takato happens to be at point blank range. Even if we assume that Takato was lucky and only caught the tip of the blade, pretty good odds that he would have gone into shock and bled to death. And that’s assuming the tip didn’t shatter any bones from its size, mass and speed (which it likely would have done) and disemboweled him.

Overall, I’m sorry, but I don’t really get a strong sense as to what the story is about other than making Takato look like a badass and making him grim and dark and thus more ‘attractive’ to Rika while simultaneously making her worry about him. Takato becoming ChaosGallantmon would be an interesting mystery were it not for the fact that the story not only has been done before, but we’ve seen that a digimon form can become corrupted by negative emotions, and even more so in Takato’s case.

this is pretty good cant wait to see what happens next

fantastic story! can't wait to read more!

Meh, sometimes going overboard is a good thing. For example, if it was me I'd left it as a cliff-hanger after ChaosGallantmon appeared, but I liked how you continued on. Can't wait to see more.