OKay, I'm here I'm here I'm here

D: We are so busy with school it sucks

Summer sucked cuz I had nothing to do, but now we actually have responsibilities and shit, and I can never find time for fanfiction now.
But now that I've got some time, let me give a shitty review.

So now we have the reveal that we are indeed after the timeskip, my favorite Tora-o is here, and now we are finally making some progress into the anime (a bit), and Zaria is with the straw hats.

D: I do hope this is a nice Zaria intro arc, and we get to see some of the anime, with Doffy and Whole Cake Island.

Me too Dal. I would really be happy to see her character in the anime as another member of Luffy's crew. If not though, that's totally okay!
I think I mentioned this earlier, but Zaria really reminds me of the character Wraith in Apex Legends. If you haven't played apex, youtube a cinematic of her and you'll see what I mean. Mysterious past, not a lot of memories of what happened to herself, and she's got cool void powers.

D: I THINK SOMEONE'S TRACKING ME!

Dal, stop quoting Wraith, no one has any idea of what we're talking about.
I totally get about you wanting to implement things from different stories. If you don't want to do a crossover, you could take elements that you like from Avatar or whatever, and make them into your own, making their own island or something etc. A lot of the time, that's what I do, making sure I give credit by saying something like this was adapted from Rurouni Kenshin for example.

D: Yeah, like Mr. Shubun's moves were based a lot off of him during my Alabasta arc.

That being said, I am really digging where the rest of this story is going, and cannot wait for more. Good luck on your exams!

Ah, It's always good to see yet another story on a manga series beloved in the world. I've always-

G: Quit the bullshit, you were brought here by Vergil Leonidas's mention. You hardly read anything these days and instead is only glued to your electronic games and social media.

Wow Gian, you just went and laid everything out on me didn't you.

Anyway, it really seems Vergil does have some good suggestions. Reading through the 5 chapters I've noticed that this is a story that is much more different than a traditional format where the OC just simply joins the crew and it follows the usual route the main series go through. There are many examples like it, but I do know that it's hard to come up with original content and still have it feel connected to One Piece altogether, and so far you seemed to have handled it fine. Now as for the actual story, yes it's much darker as people have noted. The fact that you chose to go with rather mature and sensitive subject matter and make it a focus at least for here shows that, once again it's not gonna be the same formula we've seen before. I think you've handled it tastefully, without making it seem like the OC is over the top edgy or just hamfisting the whole thing in and make it feel disconnected and not genuine. It's something that's refreshing to see.

G: You know i'm starting to see a trend here.

The other hand, the timeline for this story is a bit in the dark, but i'm sure you'll bring it up in the future. I'll be looking out for more!

Like CS Skywalker, I end up here because of Vergil Leonidas but I will definitely stay here for your work.

I love your writing, it's clear, there is no "unnecessary" line, I'm already attached to Zaria and her relationship with Robin, Nami, Chopper, Luffy and mostly Law.
I really feel their history together and I like that feelings, it means that you portrayed them naturally and I really miss that in many Law story with an OC (romantically or not).

Besides, the fact that you use Avatar as an inspiration makes me love more your story since I'm a ATLA trash (kinda funny too because I also want to use some element of the show in my fanfiction).
And your previous chapter with all the rules remind me a lot of the lesson of 7 chakra.

Anyway, I will follow you with a great pleasure and can't wait for the next chapter !
(Good luck with your exams)

...
...
Vergil: Wake up!
...
V: Well then...
You fictional bastard! Geez, that's what I get for making an electricity using OC... I'm awake now...

So, chapter five, it's definitely different from what you sent me a few days ago and I have to say that was good but this was better.
Let's start from beginning. Opening scene was plain and simple innocent, a contrast to Zaria we see in present day and it really hammers in just how much she changed over the years. You don't see that all that much in Straw Hats, at least not that drastically, it's generally same personality in childhood and later on. The only character in general I can think of straight away that makes a huge leap from what we see when he is a child, at least at first, and when he is an adult is Ace so seeing another character make that transition is refreshing.

V: And knowing what happens to Ana makes it feel bittersweet as well.
That too.

Now, big portion of this chapter was focused on Zaria and Law and you did a really good job establishing the kind of relationship they have. Also, despite the nature of the scene it was done in a subtle way and I appreciate that. Law's character is on point, a bit more relaxed but that makes the scene even better. It shows a side of Law we don't really get to see and yet it feels like that's the way he should act.

And then there's Robin, you've got her character done really well here. And I could say the same for basically everyone, Nami, Chopper, Luffy, Sanji, you've really stayed true to their characters.

Scene with Nami really opened a couple of doors, we've now got this map that is bound to lead somewhere and I'm really looking forward to seeing where that storyline goes. Also the idea of Black Sea felt so One Piece. I don't know what is it about it but it just fits.

V: But 50k? It's not that much money.
Yeah, but Straw Hats empty their budget quicker than open bottle empties when you turn it upside down. I mean they were down to 100 beri once.
V: Fair point.

The only thing that felt a bit abrupt was the way character entered and left the scenes. Sanji in particular just felt like he appeared out of nowhere and then just went poof and vanished. So you might want to work on that a bit in future chapters. Even when character appears suddenly it shouldn't feel like he appeared out of thin air.

That's really the only thing I found that I could complain about.
V: But that girl, Zaria, sure heals slowly.
Oh cut her some slack, she's been through a lot.
V: Yeah, but she's got like the best doctor.
Chopper's not a miracle worker, you know?
V: Yet.

Anyway, that's about all I have to say.
V: Last scene, Author.
Oh, right. Well, it is mostly set up, but it felt much better than it did in version you sent me. So there's that.
V: And thanks for giving us a shout-out, we appreciate it. Even if my Author is feeling a bit embarrassed by the praise. See you later.

Well, I'm a bit late with this review, sorry about that.
So, chapter four. I really don't have anything to criticize you about here and I imagine future reviews will be similar to this one.
Let me start from -Z- and say that I really like that. It made the chapter look a lot better and easier to read. You've also fixed the walls of text. So all in all, chapter is as easy to read as it gets as far as formatting goes.

Next up, four rules. It was a good way to make Zaria still feel like an active presence in the chapter. More importantly it went and further expanded on her character. There's a sense of a naive child that still exists deep inside of her and it makes sense now that we get to see bits of her childhood. So I really liked that addition.

You also managed to get the chapter to feel like it really belongs in the story even if Zaria is quite frankly absent. She is definitely a cause for each scene and if not for her this wouldn't be happening, but at the same time it doesn't feel forced. It feels like a set of circumstances. And despite some more serious moments this chapter also brought a One Piece-like humor with over the top reactions, funny lines and Luffy being Luffy.

Speaking of Luffy, I liked what you did with him here. It's really a lot like him to just decide someone will join his crew. Zoro was also on point, he can be a bit of a foil to Luffy, especially post time-skip, he is definitely one of the more cautious members of the crew, thus his reactions were pretty natural.

Law's appearance was smooth and it never felt like he was stealing the spotlight completely. He definitely did have a presence in scenes, but it wasn't overwhelming. In addition to that his opening scene brought a more dynamic dialogue at exactly the right time. Scene before that was good and well written, but if it went on at the same pace for much longer I feel like it could have went a bit stale due to primary focus on exposition. But you found just the right timing to spice it up a bit and it turned out really well. Speaking of Law, you made that bit I mentioned in our messages much clearer.

Adrion's part was, as I mentioned before, mostly exposition, a much needed exposition, but exposition nonetheless. Now, there are two way to do this kind of exposition. The way you did it, or with a flashback. In this case I feel like you chose the right option. Despite coming into a story knowing there's an OC as a main character it's a bit difficult to expect a reader to feel invested in a story that happened so long ago it has bare few strings attaching it to our main character. So it would be really difficult to write that kind of flashback and keep readers fully invested in the chapter.

Thus, choosing to just tell a story through dialogue worked really well. Even if I mentioned it could have gone stale if it continued for much longer.

I guess I'll wrap this review with going through Nami and Robin's scene. It was brief, but I liked it. The only thing that kind of hurt the scene is thoughts of what could have happened. Luffy and others were there only a bit after their escape, so in the long run there would be a possibility that nothing would happen. Then I remembered that there's always that what-if feeling that tends to get under skin when you narrowly escape something bad, so once I realized that it made more sense.

Well, that's about it. You really did a good job with this chapter.

Yooooo, what up, what up, this is CS here, coming from another universe bringing along Dalzeel in tow with me. Dal you wanna tell author-chan why we're here?

D: Yupp! Our good friend Vergil Leonidas has a very nice running list of fics she likes, and as we were quietly stalking her homepage, as one does, we ran across this one, and I gotta say Author, this shows some great promise.

For sure Dal, you're absolutely right. Now let's get on with first things first, I like the mystery. I like the concept Shadow Walker (it reminds me of Wraith from Apex Legends if you've played it) and Zaria definitely seems like a cool character from just this snippet so yes, very good work on peaking my interest.
Robin is nicely characterized here. I see the cowboy hat and it maeks me wonder if this is set in the past or after the timeskip, because we don't really see her trademark purple cowboy hat anymore, so it makes me think this is a post-timeskip fic. However, with celestial dragons in the mix, I'm not so sure if it really is post-timeskip.

There's not much other I can say besides this since it was really a short chapter, but the only criticism I do have is to try and space out your paragraphs more. Even though I do have painfully awful eyesight, block of text is scratchy and hurts my eyes and it makes it hard to read and soak in every detail which I'm sure you've put in. It also makes me, as a reader, want to just skip over the paragraphs because they're far too big of a block, however, I know I should read them because I want to read them and I know they're important.

D: Again, great start and I'm looking forward to more.

See us soon on the other chapters :) We'll review more when we've got time.

This story needs more attention, like way more than it got so far. You actually took that paragraph about wall to heart and this chapter suddenly has a whole different feeling to it. I can actually imagine all the details, I can understand her injuries and while I haven't gotten even close to that seriously injured by anything I can understand the way body would react to that. It's understandable, it has a feeling of pain one could somewhat relate to.

I don't know if you're familiar with Dragon Ball manga, but it has good examples of both what you did there and the complete opposite. Goku VS Vegeta leaves them both exhausted, on the brink of death and visibly in pain and as readers we can see the injuries understand their cause and get invested because it feels like something that could happen. On the other hand, once you get into Goku VS Frieza, and Frieza gets cut in half and still survives, moves and can attack, investment is somewhat lost, it's no longer something believable and boundaries are lost at that point.

So, you did the first example, throughout the chapter I'm reminded that Zaria is in a bad condition, barely hanging in there and pushing though with will alone. So chapter as a whole was great on that part. Job well done.

Now, we have to address on thing in particular before we go on. Those walls of text you had by the end of the chapter. They need to go. Really need to go. Especially the one where Zaria has that final burst of rage. Split it in at least three paragraphs otherwise it'll take such a long time to get through it. I got through the one above it and then saw that block of letters and was like "...Shit..." if it wasn't important I would have skipped it. So yeah, to make it reader-friendly, and trust me, that helps, split that mountain into small hills. There are a few more paragraphs that would benefit from being split, but that one is the biggest offender. Imagine if I didn't split this review in paragraphs, that would be hell to read.

Moving on to Straw Hats, they weren't there for long, but what little time they were in the spotlight was nailed perfectly. I can see Robin's reaction, we can all imagine Sanji would be the one to stop the attack and that moment with Luffy was to me one of the highlights. Not many write that kind of more mature Luffy, more understanding and just all around being as dominant of a presence as he actually is and you did it. The moment I read Luffy's first proper scene I did a quiet cheer. "Yes! That's my number one favorite character!"

Next up, Zaria's powers and whether or not I think she is overpowered. Personally I see her as jack of all trades, master of none sort of deal. She has a lot of abilities, earth, shadow, fire, spellcaster-like abilities from what I can see, but none of her abilities feel like they could give her a definitive advantage without a cost. And I'd like to talk about that cost and those marks you mentioned, but that's something I'd like to see more of before I get to analyzing it. So far I think she is a powerful, but balanced character. So not in any way overpowered but strong enough to hold her own.

Speaking of powers, let's talk about fight scene. Massive paragraphs hurt it, a lot. And I'd actually go as far as to say you over-dramatized it with split second decisions, seconds that would decide the fight and so on. Here's a thing, fight scenes are inherently some of the fastest scenes, every decision is split second decision in a close-range battle and details should be used sparingly. It was vivid, that's without a doubt, but unlike in the first chapter it was so vivid it lacked any flow. It's supposed to be quick but it doesn't feel like that. At the start of that massive paragraph I even feel like Zaria has time to just take a deep breath and think of all the times Richards made her angry.

For example, I'd start that paragraph with something like: Something inside of her snapped and her body went still, her arms stretching out was the only sign of life. Fueled by unadulterated wrath she summoned her blades.
I'm just throwing in a quick example, it's shorter and sends the same message while keeping the fight flowing as quickly as it should.

I know I'm criticizing the hell out of that fight scene but I've seen what you can do in last chapter and just felt the need to point this all out. And I nit-pick... but you already knew that.

Before I move on to Ana's character I'd just like to recommend use of some kind of break when changing location or time of the scene. I use ~X~ to do that and it helps separate the scene, we don't have advantage of visually showing shift in perspective, time or location so we need to improvise.

Let's wrap this up with a much more positive note. Ana is as far as I'm concerned a very good example of giving main character a purpose. She feels like a character, she is a character, but she serves more to develop Zaria and that's how it frankly should be. She is the reason why Zaria is there, she is the motivation behind Zaria's actions while feeling like a character I can say a few words about. A kind, naive and overall a person full of love is the way I'd describe Ana. Letter was also a perfect way to explain past without going into a flashback, that could have thrown the pace of the story off a bit. Finally Zaria's mercy, I feel like it was gradually built towards in this chapter and I have to say I enjoyed it. She chose to live and I'm glad because of that.

So, yeah, I really think I should wrap this up.

All right, stop just for a moment.
Dickleberry? Dickleberry?
I don't know why I just began laughing at the name. It's just so fitting. I just had to mention that before I go any further with reading.

And now, the actual review.
Let's go with a few small critiques I have. First of all, the weapon. I like the general design, but the length of the forearm for one blade generally doesn't seem all that threatening in appearance alone. After seeing what it can do, at least this far, and the way it appears, then yes, that's a dangerous weapon, but before that, it's just a materializing weapon.

Second one is really a bit of nit-picking, but well, that's what I do... When Zaria hits the wall and it's damaged I actually would have preferred a few more details on the wall. I'm assuming it isn't the first time she got slammed into the wall, as it seems to be go-to method of punishment. There wasn't anything to indicate other options, no whip, or stun-gun, or anything else that could be used. So, assuming she was slammed into the wall before, I suppose there would be some prior damage, maybe some cracks, or dried blood, or something to indicate it happened before.

Well, that's it for nitpicking. Just a quick advise before we move on. I'm not sure if you noticed but FanFiction generally doesn't register an update made less than 24 hours after the previous one as a new update. Thus there's just published so and so hours ago without update notice. Also, it won't show up on top, due to that, which means less general chance for someone to notice the story was updated. Also, you can add up to four characters as main ones in the story. So I'd recommend adding OC and at least one or two characters you'd like to focus on. Straw Hats, or Robin, or someone. It helps people find it.

Now that we're done with little nit-picks, recommendations and all that stuff, time for the really good things.

Robin. You completely remedied that little bit I mentioned about her in the previous chapter. That's the way I imagine Robin would react here. And I love Zaria's reaction to that, it further explores a more vulnerable side of her character and let's face it after that fight scene it was a good reminder to go back and read that bit and remember that this isn't just a badass, but a badass that can and does feel a lot more than she lets on. Simply put, good job with that.

Nami being irritated at Zaria asking if she can pick locks was also a nice touch. People tend to forget that Nami is a thief so pick-pocketing isn't the only thing she can do. Granted she doesn't get many chances to use those skills.

That guard was a descent addition, though he was mostly used to get the plot moving. The only thing I would have done, and who knows, maybe you will, is a different kind of marine. One that is there because he was simply thrown there and can't get out. It could show that not everyone is so on board with what's going on. Maybe he/she hesitates in the moment of weakness, or chooses not to fight. Either way that guard was a believable way to get out and that's all that matters in the end.

Fight scene was better than in most stories I've read so far. Easy to follow, though a bit short. Descriptive enough to know what's going on but not too detailed to be gruesome, just a bit more violent than usual in fanfiction. I don't say this often, because it really takes a lot to impress me with a fight scene, but I look forward to see what you can do in a longer fight. So far I'll say you definitely can write a fight scene. The only complain is, the marines sort of feel like they are jut standing and I know that's the big drawback of writing fights against groups of enemies, good thing you had a quick way to end it.

Speaking of quick way to end it we finally reach Zaria's powers. I personally don't have problem with powers that 'don't belong to the canon' seeing as it's not something Devil Fruit based and no such or similar ability was shown in One Piece. But I can also see why it might put some people off. These kinds of powers can really thread the overpowered line and they often tend to go that route.
It was a quick fight but I can gather a few things, she can materialize her weapon and she can move through shadows. She can also unlock sea stone cuffs without even touching them and is strong enough to send a body flying through the air seemingly effortlessly.

Now, I completely understand desire to make the character feel like a badass. I do it to, I have an OC that can use lightning and darkness and isn't human. So powers that don't belong are exactly what I went with. But there need to be limitations, limitations readers can see. So depending on the length of the story it would be preferable to have them be as obvious as possible fairly early on in the story.

So far it seems like she has a range to how far her unlocking ability can go, hence asking Nami to pick a lock. She also needs to touch a shadow from what I've seen. So those are solid limitation, but you should also take into consideration that a reader would assume she is exhausted and probably hungry, so that should affect her fighting capabilities. Anyway, that's something that's yet to come so we'll see how things go in the future chapters.

Finally, yes, finally, this review ended up being really long. Death. That's an interesting concept to use, no doubt about it, but be careful, that can open a big can of worms. But, since this chapter didn't really explore that part of the story I'll leave it at this.
Overall, I enjoyed this, a lot. Looking forward to the next chapter.

All right, I originally wasn't sure whether to review or not, but the idea was intriguing enough.
Let's start from the obvious elephant in the room, or two elephants, really. How did Nami and Robin get captured? That needs to be explained very quickly, preferably in the next chapter to make story a bit more believable. The other elephant is the rest of the crew. Where are they, at what point of the story are we in? There's mention of Sabaody so we are probably at some point after timeskip, so those marines better be strong because it'll be hard to swallow the idea of Straw Hats being bested by random group of marines. Especially if a single person could take down two similar bases.

Now, aside from that, the plot seems fairly interesting. It's definitely darker than most stories on this site, due to tackling slavery and everything Celestial Dragons are doing head on and using it as the driving force of the plot. So, I actually quite like the more mature take on the story, as long as it doesn't go way too far. That's one theme that shouldn't follow the show don't tell rule. In fact implications should be more than enough. In the end fanfiction is source of entertainment, and while there's nothing wrong with writing a dark story it shouldn't make most readers uncomfortable.
I'm just saying this since I've seen you're new to the site, at least as far as actual profile goes, so I guess that's more of a precaution.

Zaria, first of all, I like the name, I don't often comment on OC names but I'll do it here. It's short, easy to remember, easy to pronounce, just overall good for a story and simple. You've also dodged the D. bullet, something I've seen too many times to count. You didn't even try to go for some other letter instead of D. and yes, I've seen stories that went that route as well.
Next up, her personality. You've included a surprisingly nice amount of detail for a chapter that's less than 2000 words long. I can see she has strong will, she seems to be a bit cheeky/sassy at times, she is a bit of a rebel who wants to fight back the corrupt system. And despite all that she might be a bit too naive. Which is a surprisingly fitting combination. So, if for no other reason, then I'd read the story for her alone.

There are other reasons though. Writing is descriptive enough, even though I can't decide how old Nami and Robin are, but aside from that, it's really good.

I'll end this review on a bit of a critique. I think Robin, of all people, shouldn't be so quick to trust reports, seeing what happened in her life. But I guess she definitely would be cautious. So there's that. Finally, you teased a power that needs to be restrained just like Devil Fruits, so I'm looking forward to seeing what that is all about.

That's about all I have to say. Good luck, I hope you don't mind the long review, kind of what I do.