RWBYSmutthrowaway got it in one. Okay read I guess, but def room for improvement

Did the review as I was reading it. You should be able to follow along roughly with what I say although I can clarify if needed.
I am a stickler for characters being at least close to their original image, so there are a few things right off the bat that don’t jive with me:

Ruby is literally called a ‘pure and simple soul’. I highly doubt she would be caught dead drinking or getting high.

Weiss not being great at talking to people is what happens in the show, but IMO they do a poor job of handling Weiss in general. She’s supposedly a rich kid that knows what she’s doing, is able to handle herself at social events, and is all around amazing, but that’s not demonstrated well at all in the show. I recommend thinking about how to handle her character, but what you have is admittedly correct for the beginning of the chapter.

Weiss feeling sorry for herself is somewhat strange, but your reasoning is decent so I’ll let it slide.

Something to note for sex scenes: being realistic is not always the way to go. It is not always a great idea to note everything, even if it is true. Weiss thinking about the fact that Yang’s large breasts would feel uncomfortable bouncing around is accurate, but it takes the reader out of the story when you say something like that. The entire scene could be longer, especially if you want the reader to empathise with Weiss being a voyeur. She’s watching for all of a paragraph, it’s not really all that long for her to already be at orgasm, and it’s close to blue balling. The scene could have been pretty hot, but instead it was too fast and had little payoff. While that might be on purpose, it also sort of defeats the point of a smut.

I think you got the characters backwards, which is why I’ve been so confused. I realize that you chose Weiss as the protagonist, but if you were to change the name from ‘Weiss’ to ‘Ruby’, then almost all of it would be at least somewhat in character. I really don’t feel like getting into the weeds, but the gist is that Weiss is acting almost exactly opposite to how her character functions in this fic. Instead of being able to work well alone, she cries in a bathroom, drinks, and feels sorry for herself. Weiss is the type of person that would at least try to iron out those issues, as is (poorly) shown in the show. Ruby with minor dialogue/writing changes would fit it perfectly, or at least early in the show Ruby. It would even make more sense, given that you could have the logical reason that Ruby wants to become an adult, is unsure of herself, and actually is somewhat envious. Ultimately the issue is that the story doesn’t really work going with the canon characterization that Weiss has. She just… doesn’t act this way. Or speak that way. All around just weird.

Pro tip: the number one thing that good leaders and businessmen do is remember the names of their employees and people they met. This would have been ingrained in Weiss at an early age, meaning that her forgetting the pool boy’s name is somewhat strange. Now if this was not AU you could give an easy reason: he could be faunus and her father specifically taught her not to remember their names. But that excuse doesn’t work here. You’re trying too hard to make Weiss cute in ways that she’s not, changing her character unintentionally.

Weiss screwing up fashion without good reason is just strange, and she would without a doubt know the correct attire for a given situation. She may not be good with people, but she has to have at least some quality of the 1% life as a woman that had been paraded around for the Schnee dust company heiress for years. The issue is that for the character you currently have, which is pseudo Weiss, it makes sense for her to be unsure of her clothing choice. If this was in the actual relationship phase then yes, it would make sense for her to be more unsure, but as it stands it’s somewhat weird. To be honest this is a minor gripe.

Here’s an example how I personally would have done it if I had this as a prompt or something for how Daniel and Weiss meet:

Have it be more natural. She enjoys swimming at night and happens to meet him when he’s working late. Having her drinking alcohol to make her braver only does counter to the original point (getting her more self confidence) and brings up the wonderful thought of how she might become her mother. Stuff like that is generally a boner killer, and as far as I can tell you did it intentionally.

Have Weiss remember Daniel’s entire name. I’m talking First, Middle, Last, and social security type deal. To the point where Daniel finds it a little unnerving, and Weiss is forced to explain why and get a conversation going. It would give her more characterization, it might explain why she knows a few things about David so that she can talk about his interests etc. Weiss is the sort of person to do research, at least to the point of making sure of a name… maybe she could have just asked one of the many other butlers that worked there.

Something I will point out is that most guys won’t just have sex if they’re asked. It’s sort of a meme, but it’s not really true. Maybe Daniel is the sort of guy who does, but then you have to ask yourself what kind of screening process the Schnees have. I don’t know about you, but I’d probably make pretty damn sure one of my employees wasn’t having relations with my daughter. Or, if you want to make it so that Jacques actually planned this, it would make more sense for it to be of higher standing/richer than a pool boy given his character. There’s all sorts of strangeness regarding the entire situation.

Unsafe sex is done in fiction because it’s generally hotter, but the fact it’s not even mentioned is a little strange. Can’t say it’s a good or bad thing though.

The sex scene was okay, if a little short.

I can’t say I enjoyed it much. There’s not much fap potential, there’s constant out of characterness, there’s some plot holes... a few of which might be more than minor.

As it is I would just toss the fic, it’s not salvageable (don’t take this as me saying to delete it). The premise is flawed with your current character choice and it just doesn’t make sense. I realize this is an AU but even then it’s a little bizarre with how the characters are. As a stupid little note… the Schnees live in an extremely cold place and wouldn’t use an outdoor pool. An extravagant indoor pool is another matter, and far more likely. And yeah, it’s AU, but generally you try to keep stuff like that the same if only for the humor factor.

This doesn’t even get into the fact that I didn’t find any of the characters likable, which is like the one merit the show gets from me. You don’t technically need likable characters, but it definitely makes the audience care more. The only character I sort of mildly liked and thought was in character was Winter, and even then she was a little too harsh compared to her canon self. She’s actually kind of soft hearted when it comes to her sister canonically, so the scene between them was a little strange because of that, but not out of the realm of possibility.

For the writing style… put simply, there’s not enough content. You have the meat and potatoes, but all of the scenes are short, the interactions are short, and it feels somewhat sparse description wise. I do think you did a good job explaining what was going on in Weiss’s head with the character you gave her, and I do think that in general your writing level is better than most.

You also make some extremely weird underlying plots. The first hint of this was the fact that Yang was apparently a sex addict, which brings in all sorts of wonderful connotations. The second was the fact that Weiss could end up like her mother (which you luckily resolved, so it’s not too bad). And the third was Daniel’s position. I’m the sort of person to think about these sort of things, but from a smut perspective it’s not all that important. But from a drama perspective, it definitely is.

Daniel is in a no win scenario when Weiss starts advancing on him. He’s just trying to work and the boss’s kid starts talking to him out of the blue. If you deny the boss’s kid, there’s a chance you get fired, and if you oblige the boss’s kid, there’s a good chance that when you’re found out, you’ll be promptly defenestrated by said boss. There’s no good option for him. I will also point out that it’s not even a crush or anything, Weiss literally just didn’t have any better options. Daniel was a last resort. And Daniel *should* be thinking about the fact that he is both wasting time and money of his employer, as well as the fact that morally that being desperate for human touch is almost the same as being drunk. If he was moral/ethical (not saying he is), then he would realize that Weiss just felt alone and cut her off far earlier than when he realized she was drunk.

Also, imagine if the roles were reversed. This guy that’s been cooped up in his room the entire summer starts creeping on the pool girl because he’s horny, going so far as to force her to touch him. It’s just way too weird for me. And what about Yang? Was she intoxicated at the start of the story? Why wasn’t the issue of her possibly being intoxicated brought up when it was for Weiss? I can say for certain that even I would make sure that my friend was safe and okay if I stumbled into a situation like that, and by that logic canon Weiss would likely do the same as well.

The more I think about it, the more problems that arise. I’ll cut off my review (read: ranting) here and preserve what little drive to write you have left. The story itself isn’t too bad from a self contained standpoint, but the fact that it’s an FF ruins it. Keep the characters in character more and I think that you can make something better in the future. I wish you the best of luck when writing. Interested in seeing you get better.

Special thanks are due to my girlfriend for introducing me to RWBY and helping me prepare this short story. Her encyclopedic knowledge of RWBY lore, as well as her feminine perspective, were invaluable.