Well...

Not a bad story, overall. Still, I can see a few problems.

One, there is a problem with run-on sentences.

Example?

(The fighters were fairing much worse, 2 fighters were destroyed, 1 of which ejected, even with the extra missile payload over the lancers, the interceptors were just that, designed to eliminate fighters and gunboat sized vessels, not ones that were 150 metres long, with technology that was now clearly thought and tested to be superior in almost every aspect to anything Tau’ri.)

That's just one sentence, and far too much.

I'd suggest something along the lines of...

(The fighters were fairing much worse, 2 fighters were destroyed, 1 of which the pilot had managed to eject. Even with the extra missile payload over the lancers, the interceptors were just that, designed to eliminate fighters and gunboat sized vessels, not ones that were 150 metres long. With technology that was now clearly proven to be superior in almost every aspect to anything that the Tau’ri had.)

That's not perfect, but it had a slightly better flow. A good story, indeed a good paragraph, has a... flow to it. I'll try a full rewrite, and see if I can fully show you what I can see as missing.

(The fighter battle was far worse, already two of the Lancers had been obliterated. One of the pilots had managed to eject, but the other was just... gone.

This wasn't good at all, the Lancers were only intercepters, and in no way designed for Frigates.

Damm it, thought Captain Davis, "Against other fighters, or even gunships, they had a chance, but this, this was utterly out of their weight class.")

The only other thing is called Show, not Tell.

It realy means that you should try to add more detail, and not just tell us what's going on.

Using Chapter 3 as an example, the top half is Show, short on details and descriptions, but we find out what is going on from the chariters, but the second half we're just told "This is what's happening". Generaly, you want to write from a persons POV, adding things that they would see, that would interest them. Write from the POV of a pilot, of a enemy, of a watching Vulcan, something like that. This is about people, so try to bring them in.

Hope this helps.

The Aschen have gone beyond biting off more than they can chew! They don't know about the Tau'ri's other allies, do they? :O

Are the Romulans going to introduce themselves to the Tau'ri?

And about Shran, doesn't he know about Star Trek? Or is he and the general population of Vulcan in the dark about it?

Anyway update soon!:)

So what if your little story got REALY big its GREAT! Your a good writer.

Very well done!

Good chapter more please

sweet story i love it. but please try to update more often! just a thought but what are you going to do with the andorians and vulcans have them become allies of earth and they get some better tech but still weaker then tau'ri standard for vulcan antimatter tech and andorian energy weaps and the tau'ri, tollan and colionals inprove it alot or what? but please update more.

oh man thats a evil vcliff hanger loved the battle keep up the great writing!

A great crossover recipe so far. A dash of Star Trek, a pinch of Stargate and a little spritz of Freelancer, Battlestar Galactica and Wing commander. I can't wait to see the final outcome.

Looks very very good so far... can't wait until i see this concluded

oh this is going to be an interesting chapter next to see what happens to the aschen fleet!

This is a good addition to the on

heh sorry people, but those wanting an update on the thundersdawn series other then my backstory are gonna have to wait a while, chaos is taking a break from writing this series, hes still doing all the other fics like earthman and mailman though, but other then that, your expecting a month or two wait for an update on TD other then from me.

You are not Chaos but you are a good replacement untill he updates again. This is very good and can't wait for more. By the way might you know perhaps when Chaos next update will be coming down the pipe. Your story is good just its not Chaos's you know.

wow two great chapters thank you keep up the great writing!

cool poor aschen they always were stupid!