Hello,
I'm still stunned after reading this fanfiction again. It brings back so many memories. I was reading the story back in 2008 to improve my English skills (german reader :P), followed it with huge interest and passion. It was helping me a lot with all sort of stress. Wasn't easy times back than... I'm a bit afraid to leave you a comment because of the lack of my language skills, but for real: you deserve every little review for this masterpiece. I love every single detail you put into the chapters - the characters are so well written and believeable. It's incredbile. Vivian is my all time favorite in PM2, so it was a real pleasure to read the story. Thank you. Really.
Greetings
Colaris

ok but this is still one of my favorite fanfictions of all time

Honestly, this is one of the best fanfics I've ever read, so much so that it's my tradition to read this story at least once, each year. This is a Fanfic that has stood the test of time.

So this won't be a review of just the chapter but of the whole series. So going into this I have never ever read a single piece of Fan Fiction ever. The only reason why I encountered this was because I was wanting to know more about Vivian and it came up in a google search. This story gave me not only what feels like an extended cut to Paper Mario and the thousand year door but an extra arc following the game. I played the game very recently again for probably the third time in my life and quite enjoyed it just like I was younger. That run brought me to wonder more about Vivian and the shadow queen because honestly it felt like they could have said more about them and about her kind. Just from finishing up reading this I certainly feel like this was a good backstory for them to go on. I had always felt sorry for Vivian as a person, someone who seemed to have terrible luck and was hurt one way or another by strangers and even her family...but when she joined Mario's team it felt like things were getting better. This story captures that exact feeling but for a lot longer while building her up more as a character. Not to mention the romance between her and Koops was both surprising at first but something that I can believe to be true love. In the 30th chapter I was brought to tears when I saw what happened to Vivian and was devastated. I was hoping for her to finally have her good ending and then it just got taken away from her again. I have had a similar enough experience without the dying and such and it really moved me seeing that in this story. All in all I think this was an amazing story which I think I will give a read again when I next play Paper Mario. I just wish this was a series that never ended, wanting to see more and more about them in the perfectly magical way you have made their story. But like all stories they all end at some point, though this one has yet another chapter to tell in BOA2 so I will give it a read very soon. Thank you for this amazing piece of work that has kept up after all these years after you made it, I will never forget it for as long as I live.

- Your Friendly Neighborhood Red Mage TorchicEX

I like the ship name you have now got me to ship them

TO: The Great Chicken Miasma

This is the best first fan fiction I’ve ever had read in my life and to be honest, this is the story where it actually made me cry when Vivian was asking koops to kill her for the others to kill beldam but the first 20 chapters I read was heartwarming and you’ve touched my heart and I hope that you can make a 2nd sequel to this if you have the time to make “Better Off Alone 2”
In the future but anyways, you have made the best story ever.

~Anonymous from 2018

Koopana just witnessed Bloodbath...literally.

Forgot how much I loved reading this fanfic when I was young I swear I keep reading the crystal star part I keep reading it as crystal gems from steven universe lmao!

it made me cry

Honestly, this is probably the best story I've ever read on this site, and believe me when I say I've read a load of different fics on here. Apart from Ms. Mowz being a little OOC (I always kind of pictured her as more of an intelligent, flirtatious thief, rather then the mysterious pantomath she is here), the story is practically flawless. There are a couple of missing words here and there, but just how emotionally powerful and great this story is easily makes it my favorite. I won't lie, I might've teared up at the end, but that just says how good this story is lol. Keep up the great work :)

My heart broke three times in the last half hour. I think I'll be crying myself to sleep after that. Seriously, your writing is so detailed and emotional. This is certainly one of the most powerful fics I've read, if not the most. And Mowz at the end... I knew something was up with her! Wow, I usually hate when people make up backstories to their stories but you tied it in so well and everything was so believable. And there was so much atmosphere to your writing. So, thanks for writing this. Seriously, that was one heck of an adventure.

I would have appreciated some more detail through between Vivian joining the shadows. There were a couple missing words and some wordy parts that felt clunky. I'll use my account to review at some point, so just toss it a PM if you want me to elaborate on this.

The Bad:

Waffles seemed a little more rude that the yoshi in TTYD. Sure he speaks a little rough, but he was just blatantly rude here. I can write it off as both being part of the AU and being part of a child developing (To quote Double D from Ed, Edd, and Eddy, "Kids can be so cruel.")

Vivian is just now realizing that the rest of the world isn't horrible, yet she was treated extremely kind by both Mario and the inn keeper. I'd figure she'd have thought about that by this point. It even says nobody had ever been nice to her before, yet the inn keeper directly contradicts that.

The ship is coming on too strong too soon, especially seeing how long this is. The blanket thing made sense in canon, but I find it a little odd for her to find both his looks to be cute upon their first introduction. It's a little unbelievable.

The good:

Other than Waffles, all of the other characters' dialog was completely believable, no suspension necessary.

The details come at natural points and at a reasonable pace. It is neither bare bones nor purple.

The formatting is great. The paragraphs are not blocky and there are no choppy parts (choppy parts with lots of dialog is good.)

The ugly:

"So shoot me :P"

*pulls out 9 MM and caps author

"...it wouldn't come, it never would."

This is a comma splice. You have two independent clauses connected with a comma. You ether need to add a coordinating conjunction (Ex: "...it wouldn't come, and it never would.), or replace the comma with a period or a semicolon (Please use semicolons sparingly. They're best used to show a strong connection between two sentences.).

"Vivian sat, huddled... a bleeding..."

You don't need the commas here. The word, "huddled" is a participle. It is a verb acting as an adjective. Therefore the clause it is in doesn't need a comma because it is a dependent clause (A dependent clause is a statement that isn't a complete thought on its own. When a sentence starts with an independent clause, a following dependent clause does not need a comma. However, if the sentence starts with a dependent clause, it must have a comma between it and the independent clause (Ex: [dependent clause] Huddled in a dark, damp corner of Rougeport's east side, [independent clause] Vivian sat.)

You should also noted that while you don't necessarily need, "with" immediately preceding, "...a bleeding scar...", I personally think it would flow better if you added it. That's just personal taste. As long as there are no ambiguities are made, one can generally leave out prepositions. There are some exceptions, but you'll know when they are needed, because it sounds very strange when they are left out.

I've noticed you also don't use commas to separate dialog from the rest of the words. When there is dialog in a sentence, separate it from the rest of the words with a comma.

EX: "I love you.", I said to my wife as she closed the door of her car.
EX: Whenever I see young hooligans making a rukus in the park, I always feel the need to shout, "Knock it off!."

"Yes, sis..."

This is just a personal preference on formatting, but generally when there is dialog where the speaker is implied (There is no, "X said," or, "X exclaimed,") in a bit of dialog, it is better to start on a new line.

Ex: Jeff was walking throught the atrium, hunting a mouse that had been keeping his family awake at night. His son, Ron, who had been affected the most by the mouse, studied his dad.

"I've almost gottcha, little mousy."

"Eh pops, ya think talking to the pest makes 'em more likely to scurry out?"

"Shut yer trapper. Yer gonna scare it."

",small, but dominant..."

I feel that there are two ways you could make this flow better. One would be to replace, "but" with, "yet." You might also consider making the bit about them being small its own sentence.

Here is how you might change it: "Bedlam stood with her arms cross. They were small yet dominated her younger sisters."

I didn't see anything else that wasn't covered by previous corrections.

Now, let me be clear. My only intention was to show you your mistakes. I don't know if your still writing. I don't know if you've improved. But, in the case that you never did learn these things, I put them here.

I actually think the set up was decent. It was a bit... dark for my taste. I'll be reading the rest of the story with content as my primary focus. Should I see repeat mistakes that were outlined here, I will not mention them. Should I see basic mistakes that seem like typos, I'll not mention them. However, if I see a more technical mistake, I'll point it out so you'll know how to avoid it in the future.

For the record, I actually learned of this story on DeviantArt. Some Koops x Vivian artist said that s/he was the author of this, so I figured I'd check it out.

Great detailing and all, man!

I have to say, I'm glad ole' vivian got her own story, a well written one att hat! Good job!