I say you continue this story. It's really good.

Supposed to have been posted 25 June 2011, at and the Coruscant Entertainment Center in my The Critic's Two Cents. but I had problems with my computer, and flaked on attaching these reviews to the original story threads for the last year. Everyone say; 'Mach is a flake, Mach is a yo-yo'. Better yet (Waves hand) 'Mach is trying, but he's still a flake'.

Some of the work I read is what I consider professional class. These are marked as Picks of the Week. Go to to find the best of the week.

KOTOR above Taris: Another retelling of the beginning of KOTOR

CG did a good job of retelling the intro to the first game; better if you ask, than the original. The battle scenes are clearly cut, the action more distinct. The main character comes across as a hard-bitten soldier who as the old saying goes, 'been there, done that, bought the T-shirt and burned it' as a back story. Well worth the read.

Pick of the Week

Good Story However I Would Like It To Countinue If All Possible.

Great story! Its nice to see you are sticking pretty close to the plot of the game but are not afraid to throw in a few little twists to spice things up. Hopefully you decide to start updating this story again, because I cant wait to read more.

Han Solo FTW! nice episode 4 reffrence there

Great story so far, are you planning to continue or has it been abandoned?

Chapter 10

A/N: Sorry about the delay in getting this one out. I couldn't decide on what kind of background music I wanted for over a day, then it just sort of clicked together. My recommendation for exploring the Sith base is the Mako reactor theme from FF7, and the fight with the Sith governor is the Encounter theme from Metal Gear Solid. There's a not-so-subtle nod to Star Wars Republic Commando in here.

[‘Never had the opportunity to play Republic Commando]

“Of course, switching one panel will switch the two next to it.”

[For a practical security system, that sounds stupid. You want individual control, while it might do this in the game I’d have cut that out in favor of a more realistic ‘I’ll just hit the ‘open’ button here’]

If you accidentally switch them all to green, my cell’s termination program will activate.”

[And that’s so out there it’s funny.]

who help others with no thought to themselves.

[Or they just think long-term]

“I can’t possibly come up with enough ways to infuriate you.”

[I still think “Swordplay, Wordplay, and Her Worshipfulness” was funnier. “Difficult? I must be slacking off. With a little more effort I can be impossible.”]

“Put this base permanently out of commission.”

[Until the reinforcements arrive with a full, angry battalion]

crouching long enough to disable the mine on the other side of the door,

[I dunno if that was in the game, but who would be dumb enough to set mines in their own armory? If enemy have infiltrated that far, you’ve already lost]

but damn near the entire base, too.”

[Wouldn’t they notice a strange Twi’lek and droid at the reception desk on the way out?]

Always count on the Sith to station some unimportant grunts to guard key facilities in an eminent reactor meltdown.

[Why not? Third-world nations aren’t the only ones to do so, even top-tier nations do stupid things like that. You’d be surprised…or not]

Carth glanced up at her, shrugged,

[What, he can’t point or glance around the room? That’s too hard to do for his comrade?]

Chapter 11

“There is no antidote for the disease, but I have heard the Republic scientists at the military base were close to perfecting a cure.

[That’s quite curious, as it’s typically _far_ easier to synthesize a vaccine (which I presume you meant by ‘antidote’) than cure]

injector kit, half the length of her forearm,

[Something that big sounds huge]

“Otherwise he may think we stiffed him.”

[It’s not like he can take off without them…]

I’ve never played the first KotOR, but this is a fair story. The incidents of regurgitated puzzles and ‘you’ve found a rock!’ were relatively few, which was nice (many novelizers forget to cut those and the story suffers as a result). Pity the story is dead.

Chapter 2

blast drowning out the outcries of the luckless troopers.

[The 'out' of 'outcry' is unnecessary. I'd delete it, let the succinct wording take over and drive the narrative forward.]

Or, we could let them use the melee weapons, and we blast them before they get to us.”

Or we could do that,” the ensign nodded.

[Points: 1]

Ducking behind a bridge console, the soldier calmly slid his vibroblade out of its special groove as Sith blasterfire

[If he's got his bayonet fixed (and that's in essence what this is, if I read correctly), why would he take the time to detach it? Shouldn't he just return fire?]

He got as far as realizing that the soldier had hurled his vibroblade across the bridge, then fell back, dead.

[Don't brain injuries kill instantly?]

"Trask, what is it with us and almost taking swims out in the void?”

"It’s a habit we do need to shake,” the ensign replied, nodding sagely. “Not good for our health,

[Points: 1]

“Anyplace is better

[Spacing: Any place]

Chapter 3

and doubtless as soft, as the finest

[Superfluous comma]

Her eyes were the color of Corellia’s southern ocean,

[Okay, that sounds “star-wars-y”, but gives little description.]

its color that of a fine Corellian whiskey.

[Again Star-Wars-y, but undescript. Particularly to people who don't know what colour _any_ whiskey would be.]

I’ve been to places where the floor would kill you just walking on it the wrong way.

[Points: 1]

"We could always jump some soldiers.”

[What about the two they just killed?]

trooper standing in the hallway right between the two soldiers.

[It sounds like they're all on a line. Wouldn't this also mean that whatever shots didn't hit him would go past and hit the other guy?]

Chapter 4

A/N: Nothing much to say about this one, except I made one Pirates of the Caribbean reference, catch it if you can. Reccommended reading for this chapter is "The Spy" from the FF8 OST for the Lower City, and "Underneath the Rotting Pizza" from FF7 for the Undercity.

[The soundtrack idea is interesting, but wouldn’t it be ‘Recommended _music_’?]

"No plan ever survives initial contact with the enemy,”

[Old adage.]

Too, the heavy

[Starting a sentence with 'too' is bad grammar. I also think that it just plain looks odd.]

The corpse was wearing the colors that they were coming to recognize as belonging to the Vulkars.

[It's never explicitly stated what those colours are.]

"But I can’t just

[What 'but'? Nobody responds to her.]

checking the charge in his blaster rifle. Poor thing hadn’t gotten a rest since he’d woken up.

[This while plots of slavery abound. Points for dark humor: 1]

"Deal,” she said. “As soon as we find Big Z, I’ll show you the back entrance to the Vulkar base. Now let’s go find him before they sell him to slavers, or worse!”

"Let’s mosey,” Kagi said, turning and resuming the original course beyond the pile of rubble. Once they were past it, the soldier spotted a gradient leading down to a sewer grate. He turned and smirked at Carth. “Told you.”

The two soldiers wrestled the grate free of the opening, then Kagi lead the way inside…

Chapter 5

A/N: More reccommended listening: "Anxiety" from FFX-2 for the sewers, "Under Bevelle" from FFX-2 for the rancor encounter.

[I suppose those are appropriate choices for recommended music, though the recommendations all look like Final Fantasy soundtracks. Don’t forget a whole other world of music…heh.]

I thought I was doomed to a life of servitude.

[And to repay his being freed from a certain fate of servitude, he chooses a life of servitude.]

a fearsomely-powerful blaster type weapon.

[Methinks the hyphen should be in ‘blaster-type’ instead]

put his head between his knees, pinching the bridge of his nose with the index finger and thumb of his left hand.

[Wow, he must be pretty flexible to pinch his nose while putting his head between his knees.]

Right at the point he was about to strike at it, he paused, turning his attention from the monster to the vibroblade, and back again. He shook his head, sheathed the vibroblade, then turned and ran.

[Yes, methinks a knife would do squat against something as big as a rancor.]

all except for smelling like the wrong end of a Hutt’s ass,”

[Is there a _right_ end of a Hutt to smell like, much less a specific part?]

Chapter 6

A/N: I took artistic license in a couple places here, and made a reference to another much-loved game. Shouldn't be too hard to catch. Reccommended listening is "Infiltrating ShinRa Headquarters" for the first part of the base, then "Who Am I?" for the garage level. Both are from the FF7 soundtrack.

[Yet more Final Fantasy for recommended hearing.]

The alien took half a second to realize that they weren’t friendly, and drew back his arm, hurling his knife at Kagi’s head.

[This scene strangely reminds me of a like one from the Matrix]

his thrown weapon had been on the mark;

[‘was’ gives a more immediate subtext that seems to better flow with the pace, ‘had been’ gives the sensation that the knife was already at its target which doesn’t make sense.]

I think I could find my way out of here.”

[But what’s she supposed to do the next day? Her mysteriously escaping when her guards are dead…she won’t have a place to work waiting for her.]

It wouldn’t be very sportsmanlike,

[Heroes need to stop being so ‘sportsmanly’, it just leads to them being crushed like bugs.]

“Lackeys conned by Gadon Thek into trying to steal Brejik’s swoop engine accelerator, I bet!”

[If it had more like this, then the game would have been like the awesome Deus Ex experience.]

Mission produced a plasma grenade

[Given how hesitant she was to kill the cook, I’m a little surprised at how quickly she kills a creature of her own species. Granted, she could be enraged by perceived betrayal, but I don’t see indicators of that.]

Chapter 7

A/N: This was the hardest one to write thus far. There's not a whole lot you can do with swoop racing, especially since I avoid it at all costs. So now, onto the theme music for this chapter! For the swoop race, selected music is "The Chase Through Coruscant" from Attack of the Clones. For Bastila's escape and the subsequent fight, "Here She Comes" from Xenosaga II. And for the dialogue afterwards to the end, "I Am Free" also from Xenosaga II, which is Bastila's theme song.

[Look, it's some non-Final Fantasy music. Drat, I'm going to have to look this one up, too.]

several Hidden Beks swoop bikes

[Bek’s]

I suggest hitting as many accelerator pads as you can.

[I can’t feasibly see a game mechanic like ‘accelerator pads’ ever actually placed into a real-world race]

As he doffed his helmet, he grinned, imagining the infuriated face of the Vulkar

[The portrayal certainly _is_ cocky]

“Less talk, more beat-your-ass!” Kagi shouted, diving on Brejik.

[Points: 1]

“What in the…”

[Interrogative missing its question mark]

Chapter 8

He calmly leveled his blaster rifle at them. “You, the door, two minutes ago,” he stated simply.

[Points: 2]

and become the Taris swoop champion.

[Which would get him a lot of attention that would make sneaking around more difficult]

The battle happened so fast, that

[Superfluous comma]

“Look, it has nothing to do with you personally. I don’t trust anyone, and I have my reasons.”

[I don’t get any of this segment outside the cantina. Unprovoked hostility is flying back and forth and I’m not really seeing reasoning for it.]

Chapter 9

“Yes!” Bastila said suddenly, loud enough for the patrons to hear. “That’s how you tell that a bantha is pregnant!”

[What? I am completely confused]

drawn by Carth’s outburst

[Wasn’t it Bastila?]

“You got it,” she replied with a nod.

[She’s been their universal lock-pick for a while, I’m surprised she didn’t even show any signs of being miffed at being replaced (in a sense)]

Kagi shook his head slowly. “What am I going to do with you two?”

[He seems just as snippy]

as the grease stains on her face and clothing testified.

[That just means she’s sloppy. I’ve seen car engine mechanics that hardly get a spot of oil on them, and they’re damn good. They just go about things a different manner.]

they’d rather see us as dancers in the cantina than successful business owners.”

[The socioeconomic discrimination is usually a lot more lenient about lower technicians, getting a human to pretend to be manager allows a lot further business in regions that discriminate based on race or such. Maybe I’m just speculating on outside plot ideas…]

stupidity and ignorance will never go out of style.”

[As long as it benefits somebody rich and powerful]

He glanced next to Bastila’s also neutral expression,

[_glanced to_?]

This story shows a lot of promise, but I wish there was more to it. You wouldn't happen to be planning to update it anytime soon, would you?

are you going to continue this its good

Once again great combat sequences. And a few changes here and there. All in all, great chapter.

*Keep on writing*

The best part were the battle scenes.

Keep writing!

Great chapter... i felt bad for Kagi, when are you going to update, i really enjoyed the fic... Everyone always writes Frevan fics, but even the websites say that Revan was a man... geez! sorry for the rant, please update.

Hey dude, you gonna update this? It's been forever, and there are few things I dislike more than to see a good story left unfinished.

great story it must be verry hard for lovely bastila not bieng able to tell kagi the truth thad he is the man she loves but nowing the game as i do it must be a comefort for the young beauty thad she will get her love back