Good story.

That was sad, but I really liked it. It seemed in charter, course we all know that Peter does loose his temper at Ed and is a bit beastly back to him. But it's understanable, he's only 14 and his younger brother acted like a beast!

Thanks for writing

Wildfire

I really like this! You've done a wonderful job getting inside Edmund's head. I always feel so sorry for Edmund during LWW, the loss of his father was clearly affecting him more than the others.

First of all, smart song choice, and cleverly used.

At the end, why is Peter waiting for Edmund to tuck himself in? He's going to go downstairs after Ed is "asleep"? It wasn't clear, and I think it needs to be. It's very nearly the last image, and it's important.

Ed's conflict about his father and his big brother is a logical choice for a young boy. It's a psychological matter that really works into his development cognitively and characteristically. I really like what you do with it.

Your style of using short sentences is excellent. I also find your use of subtlety in nodding to the war and Ed's search for hope in the stars. Good choices.

Peter's movements are well-characterized. I wanted Edmund to react just a little bit more than you have him do here, but what you have is stellar as it is. I just think Edmund needs to react a bit more to his harshness.

(Contrasting that with his inner monologue is smart, too.)

Beautiful sentences, and smart characterization. If you can qualify and explain a couple of minor trouble spots, I think it'll really be a smart, subtle, flawless piece.

Excellent work!

Keep writing.

Great story! I've never heard the song, but it seems like a good one!

that was great-I can understand why Peter's actions would've made Edmund feel that way. It was so sad. Thanks for writing it.

Luv,

Miss Pookamonga ;-P

That was really powerful. I thoroughly enjoyed it. The song was really nice and the way Edmund was feeling was sad. You wonder if he really knew what he was doing during the book/movie. I hope to read more of your stories soon. BYE!

That was good. It was. The only thing that seemed fishy was Peter. He seemed the taddest bit out of character. Other than that, it was great.

Very cool. I was kind of freaked out because I just got this album today, and therefore only heard this song... today. Very creepy for me. But, listening to it as I read the story (and I reached the end just as the song ended too!), it made it extremely effective. I like how Ed's fear of forgetting his father is his reason for hating Peter so - I don't think anyone has used it thus far. A brilliant story, and truly truly the most effective when listening to the song. You should mention it to people. It makes for an eerie but brilliant read. D

So faving this...