aww

i reall like this beginning, please continue.

OMFG that was so awsome! So much compacted into something so short! The emotion! I love it! Update! WO!

i luv this story whats going to happen next update as fast as u can

Definitely a good idea, but your grammar could use some improvement. I'd like to see how this all plays out.

This is a good story, but there are some things you need to improve, and I found it very hard to read.

When a person talks, it has to go on a new line.

Also, see these three dots here... that's an ellipsis, and it is a pause in the middle of a sentance. There are heaps of incorrect uses of that ellipsis here and there.

Otherwise, it's a good story so far. Please continue.

this is a very good beginin keep goin

update soon, this could be a good story

Pretty good story, a bit fast but still pretty good.

COL UPDATE SOON LIKE ASAP !

~funkismything