I love how just /looking/ at Malik makes Ryou think, well, s***, I guess I'm gay then.

Oops, second chapter calls him Marik.

Haha. I do wonder what Ryou intended to do with him after all that. Nice ironic twist though.

I don't know how I missed the update but I am assuming it was when I was having problems with . I loved it and it would be great to continue it. Poor Malik is so small now.

I liked your characterization. But, I thought you said the word "purred" too much. But maybe it was just me.

Epic concrit of epicness! First off, young!Ryou is really amusing to read. xD Second off, here comes the 'criticism' part of the sandwich:

My main thing that was present in your older chapter was clichedness. Most prominently in the lines "Ryou sat up and looked at his surroundings – … Only to meet the gaze of a stranger at the side of his bed." This may just be me, but that seems a bit too stereotypical-surprise, and I wasn't shocked at all when I read it. Would it sound any better to you if you wrote "Ryou sat up, looked at his surroundings - and met the gaze, blahblahblah"?

Same here: "… The world was still." I think that if you got rid of the ellipses at the beginning, it would have a better effect. :)

Also, you mentioned at the end that you tried to emphasize YM's childishness here, but I really didn't get that feeling in the fic. xD; To me, it seemed a lot more like YM's being ambiguous and a bit confused and possessive - even though his actions might seem childish in hindsight, he didn't seem too pouty or 'MY TOY B1TCH' in this. As stated before, it was more uncertain and unpredictable. And then you have Ryou comparing him to a frightening, dangerous monster for a paragraph in there xD

A grammar thing: "What was most striking about him ... were his eyes." See how when I format it this way, it goes from 'was' (singular) to 'were' (plural) within that one sentence? I've never quite been sure about 'eyes' myself, so maybe you'd want to change it to something more ambiguous like, "But what struck Ryou the most about him - apart from the symbol blazing on his forehead (how had he not noticed it before?) were his eyes"? (Or does that sound weird too? xD)

Also: "...Namu – no, the real Malik Ishtar passed by..." Usually, when you have a phrase in hyphens like that, it's customary to close it with another hyphen before moving on through the sentence.

Finally: "You are mine." Again, a tiny little grammar thing - when you continue quotes in a second paragraph, you usually start it with another set of quotes.

All that said, I enjoyed what you did with Ryou and YM here, what with their odd relationship and the twist revealed in Chapter 2 about how YM's now sort of a part of his soul. YM's unpredictable, changing actions in the first chapter were also lovely to read - the fact that they were broken up by Ryou's thoughts just added to the general effect, because you have a line where he's pinning Ryou to the wall and then a few paragraphs later they're apart and grinning, and it's all the more surprising to the reader.

The little thing where Ryou calls YM 'Malik' was also SO GOOD - even though it was a misunderstanding, YM's absolute delight at that was so ominous and sort of ironic too, in a sense, since the reader knows what's going on but Ryou doesn't. And I can't help but think that contributed to a bit of YM's liking for Ryou too xD

And I loved this line so much: "The moonlight streaming through the windows seemed to avoid him, as if afraid." It was just so epic, and conveyed YM's creepiness perfectly. Also this one: "...his soul was empty, trying to escape from this body for reasons Ryou could not fathom." It's such a deep observation, and it makes a lot of sense if you remember Ryou's line from the manga.

In the second chapter, I really, really liked the scene where Ryou catches the soul - it's an interesting concept of a physical 'soul,' and the brief sentence where he muses how it should by all means be impossible was a nice reflection on the weird stuff he's been through already. And his frantic dialogue (both out loud and mental) when he's searching for the figurine was so wonderfully believable. :D

Finally, the echo of how he said what YM said just topped everything off so wonderfully. Great job on this, Ryou, and don't take my grammar-freak'ing to heart; those are just tiny little things that you've probably corrected already. :)

~ Keruth

Hmm...interesting. I'm always one for Deathshipping, so I'll be waiting for more!

*hugs the 2008 Ryou VeRua in the A/N* x3

This is good! You have a keen eye for these two and their nicely portrayed dynamic between those two is definitely the strength of the piece! Wow!

I really like the explosive beginning of the piece, so very fitting of these two entities and their relationship. I love how Ryou pities Yalik instead of giving into hatred or resent or other people's opinions. In that I feel like you made Ryou real and interesting. :D I like your characterization!

And as for the doll scene - I can definitely see there teh mod how brought dollshipping into the contest xD I love the idea of Ryou as a craftsperson, I think it's very fitting, and I like the fact that I can recognize a little piece of the author herself in that, too :)

Just because I'm nto naturally inclined to read these characters, it took me a while to understand that Yalik had invaded Ryou's body, and that Ryou was effectively keeping him captive.

Your depiction of the writhing soul is quite vivid, alive, I imagine the wound and the pain in Ryou's body with ease. I guess I have a thing for the gory (but not too much), and I think it was a nice touch.

Now I definitely want to see what is going to happen between the two of them, and how Yalik is going to respond to his new state of captivity.

In conclusion, you are definitely nailing the characterization and the interaction between the two characters. It's just really really good and insightful, we really get drawn into their psyche. My only piece of concrit, I guess, is very much influenced by my own writing and preferences in reading, so please take it with a grain of salt - it pertains to setting and/or visuals.

I'm always in search of more visuals when I read (fan)fiction, I like to be able to visualize the thing in my head, to know what the place smells like, if it's bright or dim or dirty, if Ryou's sweater clings to his skin or if his nose itches. It's easier for me to get anchored into a story when those elements are available. But not having them doesn't lessen the quality of your writing in any way.

I enjoyed this! You have to keep posting! :D

-Milly

rawr marik realy nis a lion ;)

Great one shot! I loved it, even though it's a little too short :( wanna read more of those sweet stuff! *grins* I still wonder who won... *grins even more* ...because why else would Ryou make a doll? Ideas, ideas...

lg Lolchen

Have you noticed how Ryou and Malik are both totally albinos? Ryou's pigmentation gene has been supressed completely, and Malik's has only been supressed partway (which is why his hair is more straw colored, and his eyes are lavender)...yes, my random observations. albinos are awesome!

Awesome! :D I wanna see Ryou's pic XD Marik's awesome.

I likes the japanese music for the show too!

I WANT MORE! NOW!

Please?

Love,

Kuro

This is interesting. I thought it was appropriate that Yami no Malik seemed so pleased to be called by his hikari's name. After all, he believes he is the real Malik Ishtar. I agree that parts of this would make more sense if you expanded on it a little. I would definitely read the chapter fic version!

-UsuakariTOT

Nice story. I really like it and I hope you continue it.

Hello!

Regarding your PM: I know you said this has to be continued to make sense but I don't really think so (I hope you continue anyway). It was a bit open ended but that works. The only things that might need fixing if you're planning to leave this a oneshot are in the very end, after the time skip. I think all the things that idicate this should continue are there. Like how "the real Malik Ishtar" just passes Ryou with his family but you don't mention why. And then there's the fact that Ryou and Yami no Malik played some sort of game, which Ryou doesn't remember so maybe you don't need to mention what happened but since you did continue the thing with the time skip, there could've been some sort of hint. Perhaps this is just me not getting it but you mention Ryou drawing but then there's the doll bit at the end... I'm not sure how the drawing is relevant if he's going to be making a doll 0.o

Actually, I think that if you're not going to continue this you should leave everything after the time skip out. That way it would still remain a nicely open ended one shot without the confusion at the end.

"Malik’s face stretched grotesquely and his veins bulged as he laughed, but Ryou felt nothing but pity." That's a perfectly good ending I think. It leaves a lot to the readers' imagination but I don't think that's bad. There's been plently of indications that Ryou's look on Malik (or Yami no Malik, in this case) is not as negative as his friends' so all sort of things (good ones maybe) could come of that game Malik mentioned (that he will win, so really it's up to the readers' and how perverted they are xD). The ending you have now isn't bad but a one shot like this (if this is going to remain one) doesn't need it.

Well, I don't know if that helps any but it was you who asked me for help x3

I would be really, REALLY happy if you continued this! Deathshipping and Angstshipping are both wonderfully interesting pairings, and I very much like how you've dealt with them so far! I would dearly like to see where you take this...

Ah, I know the exact scene you're talking about in the manga! Where Ryou looks at Strings and thinks "I don't feel any life from him." Yeah, it's definitely implied in the manga that Ryou's a bit sensitive in that respect.

But please, PLEASE continue this if possible, I can see some seriously great potential in this fic already! Awesome job so far, I'm looking forward to more!

PS: The Japanese music TOTALLY rocks. As does the entire japanese vocal cast(Especially Malik Ishtar and Yami no Malik)! Yay, another fan of the japanese!yugioh version!