Good story, I look forward to more. Thanks.

i believe your story is hiding a black hole in it somewhere

CUZ I CANT STOP READIN IT

bad story pick up lines aside, i think you have a real knack for flow and plot, i was just swe ee e ept away by it. you could add a little more detail (like cultural differences? i dunno, im just a sleep deprived thanks to fic pseudo crit-ter ) to plump it up

but besides that, good fic, keep on trucking.

Thanks for the answer on my quibble. :-)

I enjoyed the second half of this new chapter more than the first, mainly because more was happening towards the end. I think that you have quite a latent talent for fast-paced action, but perhaps you're not ruthless enough when editing your writing. There seems to be a lot of extraneous material here, characters asking questions or engaging in dialogue that seems unnatural to me. It seems to me that such exchanges only happen to further a plot point from your point of view - that is, a particular issue may seem important to you to mention, but comes out of nowhere from the point of view of the reader, who is supposedly seeing things from same perspective as the person engaging in the conversation (Kaidan, in this case). I mean, why did Kaidan ask Ka'hyra about the woodcarving? Personally, I didn't feel we'd been given any reason to find it important (it seemed like mystic mumbo-jumbo - and, incidentally, I find Ka'hyra overly prone to that on the whole), but you "had" to mention it again in order to show how current events were relating to it, so you made him ask about it. Overall, I think this could be great, but you've got to work on making it more "taut."

Hope this wasn't too harsh. ;-)

Just one little quibble...

In conversation with Shepard in ME1, Kaidan says he never lost a solider under his command. (I think it's post-Virmire.)

I like how Bryant represents a faction of humanity that can't really empathize with biotics, yet he does want the Alliance Cabal to succeed. If the entire ship had been biotic, this viewpoint would be sorely lacking. However, it seems you've thought ahead and given it a voice. Good call.

It's also interesting to see Bryant as a person being so interested in the turian race. So many times, storytellers include all the factions, but each person is only concerned with their own. They don't "look over the fence," so to speak. Again, Bryant is bringing something uncommon to your story, and it works well.

AblatedCrayon

Normally I tend to review more often. However my opinion on your work is quite constant. I love it. Easy as that. I also often try to give advice to writers. But being only a medicore writer at best, I couldn't posibbly give any advice to you under normal circumstances. This time is an exception. The senctence "The human capacity for reconcilation is certainly a marvel to see at work." in the part:

"Ka’hyra looked confused. “Is that the official name? Hmm. I suppose even if you called the devil by a different name, eventually he wouldn’t be as intimidating. The human capacity for reconciliation is certainly a marvel to see at work.”"

Seems to me as a bit akward at the end. In my opinion 'a marvel to see', 'a marvel at work' or just simply 'a marvel' would be better.

I can understand that you're not bothered by such small things, (or just simpely disagree with me). But I'm a perfectionist, and I would have appreciated if someone would point out such things in my work (not that I write). So I felt like I needed to point it out.

This is great. If I had a proper pc I would probably buy mass-effect, just because of your story. You're doing an exellent job keep it up.

I really love the way the Shiloh escaped from the pathfinder. I always love it when the underdog wins because of sheer skill.

I'm thrillend to learn more about Jump Zero. After reading 'broken angels' from knightfall. Kaidan has been on of my favorite fictional characters of all time. (And I never even heard of him before:D). So I really want to find out anything about Jump Zero.

Usually I don't like prequels, no matter what kind of, so I skipped your story again and again. Yesterday I read it and I really like it. Your characterization of Joker and Kaidan is as I always imagined it should be, when I played the game. Keep it up!

This is probably the most sophisticated story in a Long while. Keep it up and update most often.

I'm liking this a lot so far- it's nice to see the turians as something other than Spectres (and a female one, to boot.) I do like Joker and Kaidan as a team, too; we don't get much of that after the opening scene of the game and I think it's a pity.

Damn. Remind me to never work for that guy. "Another pilot!" indeed. I'm surprised he hasn't had a mutiny. :D Perhaps he will yet.

Was much harder to follow the action this time, although some of that was intended, I'm sure, since the Shiloh was spinning crazily and whatnot.

Glad to see they got away for now, but they better keep their guard up.

Great job.

AblatedCrayon

I liked the space battle. Mentions of GARDIAN and everything else reminded me briefly of a few I'd written, and now I'm nostalgic for more. Haha.

It seemed like a lot to put on one man's shoulders by having Joker fly and shoot, but apparently he handled it like the expert he is.

Nice to see our crew get a few details on their aggressors. Hopefully it will help them be victorious!

AblatedCrayon

Don't often see descriptions of space combat in Mass Effect fiction and yours was pretty well done. I'm hoping you'll dig into the motivations of our biotic-slaying turian as well.

Alright, this is long overdue. Me and my procrastinating ways.

I don't know if it's one of you guys doing it or a combined effort, but some one here has a knack for creating characters that are really easy to hate. Sang rubbed me the wrong way from line one, and while his death did seem to push the line of irony a bit too far with his parting words, it was nice to see him get what was coming all the same.

Poor Kaidan! I always imagined he'd get a lot of grief for being an L2, but he's catching flak from other biotics, no less. He can't even find his place in his group of freaks in the same situation he's in. His reaction to Sang's and Brady's insults all felt very natural: he could put it aside for the sake of the mission, but that doesn't stop him from being utterly alienated.

And then there's Joker. How easily could I see him demonstrating imaginary female anatomy. His characterization is just spot-on, and I love how he interacts with Alenko so easily.

This thing you guys have going on here is a promising start, and you can bet your butts I'll be waiting for more. ;)

This has already been said, but I like the dialogue between Joker and Kaidan, reminds me of Serenity and I like the way you captured the distrust of L2 biotics among the other soldiers - those insubordinate bastards.