Please update soon as your able cause I'm liking this sweet story.

ah that chapter ending. happens in so many different naruto fanfictions yet never gets old XD can't wait for more your surprisingly good at these fic's the reason i say surprisingly good is the fact that most fanfictions have at least half a page worth of spelling errors but in such a way that they are barely noticeable while this one i have maybe seen one or two and that was only because i was reading word from word the second time around. i seriously hope your stories continue till the end.

what a odd and great fic rate it a 9

I truly love this already! It's awesome! Keep it up!

0-0

The end is has a temper and Hinata has Gobi as a bijuu?XD

Poor Sarutobi...*LOL*

Aww!Yay!~Five girl family...XD

Hinata is so brave.

:D

Poor Naru...At least she has Yugito and Nibi with

Haha I always love it when someone reveals the secret of defeating paperwork. It never gets old to know that the kage always bets themselves up since they never thought about it. ~Update Soon~ _

Hey Critic's United at your service! I hope this review is helpful to you.

I'm not going to lie to you. I've read hundreds of

Oc stories and usually when they are some how related to Naruto or anything about him, they have some type of tailed beast. It's like your using Naruto's life on this character Naru instead of making her unique. The whole "village doesn't like her" thing doesn't help her develop at all because as a reader, I feel like you're just trying to make me feel bad for her. Especially with going to extremes of having her stabbed. In the series, the adults avoided Naruto and always yelled at him to go away because they FEARED him. They knew how powerful the Kyuubi was and isolated him for fear of their own lives. My point is that the villagers and some ninjas were cowards so them stabbing her with no fear of retaliation from the Kyuubi is a bit strange.

Your writing style itself is very easy to fall into. It does lack visual aspects and characterization. Your ocs are like naked mannequins because you have not given us any indication of what they look like...besides their hair. Help us, the readers see these characters you've created by giving us details about them. Start to open us up to their individual personalities.

You're doing this with dialogue:

"That is correct, Naru-chan. I'm very happy you finally are able to see and speak to me." She said before a red glow enveloped the cage.

Correct way:

"That is correct, Naru-chan. I'm very happy you finally are able to see and speak to me," she said before a red glow enveloped the cage.



A comma ends declarative dialogue when a dialogue tag (ex: she said) follows, not a period. If it were like this:

"That is correct, Naru-chan. I'm very happy you finally are able to see and speak to me."

Then that would be correct.

You don't need to bold the Kyuubi's speech when Naru is standing talking with her. There is when she is right in her presence, not hearing her in her mind. I would suggest italics instead when it comes to the beasts talking in their minds. I hope that makes sense lol.

Okay I actually like the fact that the Kyuubi is female; however, based on the actual Kyuubi, I feel she was too nice. Giving gifts is fine, but she's too caring. I can't see the Kyuubi, based on the series, as one who will directly show affection. In fact, he didn't even like Naruto.

Your character Naru is a Mary Sue. Now there are different classes of Mary Sue. At first she was what I like to call the "Hate Me" version from the beginning with the villagers stabbing her. Then she became the "All Powerful" version with this bloodlines limit she's got going on where she can use all five of the elements. That can make her extremely unlikable if she's all powerful. I would suggest taking maybe two and combining them to make a new element instead. Good luck with your writing!

Signed,

DarkSacredJewelXoX

[Founder of Critics United ]

I really love this story! Please keep at it! X3

I just read on Spanish wikipedia that Nii and Shii (one of tsuchikages guards) are twins... I'm shocked

Great chapter and story so far pleases continue this story soon.

And they call this old fart the god of ninja's and he

can't even control his own village, no wonder the snake

got away with all that he did.

Nice update, keep up the work.

Loves this story! Please update as soon as possible! X3