Okay, well I see that most people have already reviewed on the grammatical portions, so I'll see what I can talk about with you regarding the actual story (:

Firstly, like another reviewer said, the plot is supposed to be something you reveal throughout the story- not written as a summary on the first page. This is something you should keep in a separate file for only you to see that you can plan on.

Secondly, I want to recommend a beta reader to you. You have a few errors here and there that are quick typos that a spell check WON'T catch. (Have you ever seen the poetry slam "The the impotence of proofreading?)

Now, something that I'm definitely concerned about with your story is that within the first paragraph, you already have an anachronism. I recommend that you search up what women and men wore in the 1950s and 1950s, and get into researching the roles that men and women played in society. It will help this story and your future Outsiders writing as well.

Another thing that I think you should research is drug use in the time period, and look more into the realistic effects of both short term and long term usage.

I'll review more next chapter, seeing as this one was very short and didn't give much insight into any of the characters.

Best of luck!

~Laney

Ask and you shall receive. :)

I hate to correct a previous reviewer (I know conflicting opinions can be very confusing to an author), but there weren't any run-ons in the chapter. There were, however, a few missing commas and a couple out of place commas. What aero called a "superfuckous" comma is commonly referred to as a superfluous comma. The easiest why to determine whether or not you need a comma in the middle of the sentence is to look at what you have before and after a where you want to place the comma. If you have both a subject and verb on both sides, you need a comma. If you don't, leave it out.

I'm not sure if this is coincidence or not, but you seem to be missing more commas after the line break (BTW. I echo what aero said about "***jillian's house***.) I think this might be due to not reading over the second part as carefully? If so, I urge you to read over the piece really thoroughly before posting or invest in a beta reader to do the work for you. The latter might be a nice choice, seeing as a second set of eyes is always a good thing to have.

In terms of formatting, I honestly didn't have too many issues with it. I don't mind having AN's bolded as a reader, so long as the bulk of the piece isn't bolded. It might be a good idea to steer clear of bolding, though, because many, like aero mentioned, are distracted by it. Just something to consider.

The only big issue I had with the formatting was the first paragraph. It may be personal preference, but REALLY long paragraphs at the beginning scare me, as a reader. I think it's a better idea to start with something really short and attention grabbing. This way you can ease readers into reading your piece.

Another thing at the beginning ... It may just be me, but the second half of a first paragraph seems like an information overload on her personal appearance. I wouldn't quite call her a Mary-Sue yet, but describing the character's physical appearance immediately in the story—especially in great detail—generally screams Mary-Sue. I'd need to read more about Gillian to say whether or not she is a Sue (and I don't really think she's going to be), but I would consider scaling back on the amount of description in the first paragraph. Considering the HUGE stigma Sue's carry in this fandom, anything you can do to distance yourself from that stigma in terms of how you right your fic is doing yourself a big favor. This applies especially to introductions, as I'm sure the last thing you what people to do is click the back button and never revisit your fic again, just because of what is written in the first paragraph.

Drugs...Drugs...Drugs. Again, I hate to correct a previous reviewer, but herion actually wasn't too expensive back then. It actually had become cheaper to produce and easier to obtain at the time, making the drug's popularity grow. Vietnam also played a huge role in bringinh the drug back into mainstream usage, as many veterans came back from war addicted.

But, in spite of herion gaining popularity, the most widely used drugs at the time were marijuana and cocaine. I think having her addicted to one of the two, possibly both, might be a better choice, but still, it is entirely plausible for her to be addicted to heroin, so if that's what you want, go for it.

I will say, though, that that heroin is a tougher addiction to write about in my opinion. It's a very powerful drug, rivaled only to nicotine in how addictive it is, and the consequences of use are FAR great than many other drugs. It's certainly not the first drug most people use.

I think ... and this is a just a suggestion to you ... but maybe you could include her transition into using heroin in this fic, in a later chapter perhaps. This would be an awesome way to plunge her deeper into her drug troubles. Maybe that was your intention in this first paragraph? Having this be her first time with something stronger? If so, I'd suggest moving it to a later one, and build the tension up to that point. Have her first encounter with it be the climax of the fic.

Sorry. I was getting a little carried away there! But again, this would all be up to you. Feel free to take whatever ideas I've mentioned and go with them. I'd be flattered if you did. :)

Furthermore, if you have any questions regarding drug use, feel free to PM me. I'm currently taking a class about drugs, their history, and their effect on society, so if I don't know the answer, I could easily consult my textbook or even my professor to find the answer for you. :)

I agree with aero on taking the plot slower. I'm a tad confused as to why this guy's sticking her with things so suddenly. I mean, that'd make an AWESOME later chapter, but it seems a bit too much for chapter one.

I'll also add that I agree with pretty much everything aero said, unless noted otherwise above.

For the most part, though (and I know I just gave you a mouthful of criticism), this shows a lot of promise. I mean, you clearly know how to form sentences and have decent grammar, which is ALWAYS a plus. And the plot as a whole doesn't seem too bad. Slow it down a bit, and it'll be there.

Hopefully I didn't confuse you in all that rambling. Feel free to PM me if you need clarification or have questions on anything I've said. Also, best of luck to you in your writing. I hope I'm haven't scared you away from the craft all together! :P Like I said, I can tell you clearly have the skills TO write, which is half the battle honestly. After that, it's simply fine-tuning. AND guess what? You seem to have the will to take criticism and prefect your craft, too! Based on that, I have no doubt I'll be reading great things from you in the future. :)

Alrighty, so, you asked for a review, and while I am flattered as hell, please don't expect this to be all rainbows and butterflies.

1) Okay, so, right off the bat, I'm going to say that this bold lettering you have for your disclaimer and plot is very hard on the eyes. Especially since you have nearly a paragraph for your plot, which brings me onto my next point...

2) Having the plot there is unnecessary. The point of reading is to have the audience figure the plot out as they go along, not to have it all laid out in front of them, because that sucks the fun right out of it. And it's not so much of a plot, per-say, as it is a really long summary. You could shorten it up, leave the audience with a cliff-y sentence or two, and call it good. It's important to keep that element of interest in your work, otherwise you're going to lose your audience before you even have one.

3) Your title. That is quite honestly bugging the shit out of me. It's a catchy title, but it doesn't work, and that's can be blamed on FanFiction. It should be "Something's Wrong With Gillian." Notice the apostrophe? FF has mutinied against them. Also, I keep reading Gillian with a G sound instead of the J. That might be confusing to some readers, so I am going to strongly suggest that you change it to Jillian.

4) First paragraph starts out in present tense, but then by the second sentence, you've switched to past tense. And you do that a lot, so you really want to make sure that your tenses match up. Also, please, please, please, please shorten this entire paragraph up. It is huge, and again, it comes down to keeping your audience. A lot of people are going to lose interest just by looking at that monster of a thing, because it is so overwhelming. Your opening should ease us smoothly into the rest of your fic, not try and slaughter us with a copious amount of words.

5) "Ponyboy nods his head, and watches the girl on the dance floor for as long as he can until they exit the building."

- You don't need the comma before the and, because Ponyboy is the one you're still talking about. It's something I call a superfuckous coma, and believe me, I've had nothing but trouble with them, too. Simply remove said comma, and you're good to go.

6) Your dialogue/action bit there was confusing. None of it matches up. For example:

"Two-Bit throws an arm around her shoulders, hugging her close to him.

"How 'bout we walk you home, little lady?" She thanks them, and they all start to walk once more."

Have what Two-Bit is saying come after what he is doing, and then let "She thanks them" and everything that follows stand as another paragraph. You do that quite a bit in this.

7) Two-Bit lets go of the girl, and walks up ahead - Another superfuckuous comma before the and. Remove it.

8) "Gillian. My name is Gillian O'Reilly." she - Capitalize the S on she, and plug a period in at the end of the sentence.

9) It says so on my birth certificate - I do believe that is a rip from Hinton, and plagiarism is a big fat no-no in the writing world.

10) hole-infested - Please do explain to me what hole-infested means, because that really doesn't make sense.

11) **************Gillian's House***************** - AGH! Never, ever, ever, ever do this! Anything with ***~~##$%%#$#%&$*$* to show a page break is probably the second biggest no-no. If it is absolutely necessary to have a page break, use the page break feature FF provides to you.

12) I'm not too sure on this drug thing. I do like the idea, because I'm a twisted little shit, but it's not realistic. How is she paying for it? Why is she taking it? You've given us absolutely nothing, so having this is pointless. It would've been so much better as a second chapter.

And just a few more things...

This whole chapter seemed rushed as hell. You need to slow it down, take your time-write with your senses. Writing is an art; it should flow, and paint pictures, and make people feel. All I got from this was a whole lot of nothing, because it was empty. There was no emotion, nothing that your readers can take away.

I do understand that you said you were a poet and not a writer, but poetry uses the senses even more-so. This has the potential to be deep and original, but it isn't anywhere near there yet. But that's okay. Take another swing at it, try harder with the next chapter.

Also, one of the biggest things was the formatting of this fic. It's very hard on the eyes. Steer clear of bold fonts, especially when underlined, and remember to use your page breaks, because they make the entire thing a lot more visually appealing. And don't forget to shorten your paragraphs! I don't mean to brag, if you want an idea for formatting, you could check out one of my fics, or even one from alsonny.

Over all, your grammar isn't too bad, so kudos to you for that! Just remember what I said about the superfuckuous commas and having your actions match up with a character's dialogue. Other than that, there isn't much else I want to say.

Happy writing in the future!

~aero

You asked for a review, I'm here to give you it.

You have a lot of run on sentences that I would look up a beta reader for, and I understand your want for a decent review seeing the usual un-helpful ones you get :/

Separate your sentences into smaller paragraphs and spread out the wordings. Again, look up a beta reader.

I'm sorry I can't leave a long review but there's not much of a first chapter to go by :/

I like Two-Bit, and Sodapop's characters however Ponyboy seems not there yet for me, maybe it's because he's spoken to a stranger but then again with his brother and friend being there would he be more confident? Maybe. We'll see as the fic goes along.

Now with the drug use you should probably add that into your beginning that there is drug use in it for those who are offended by the idea and would rather not read.

I'm assuming its heroine she's taking? Personally I've just got out of hospital for drug use and I'll admit I've been on drugs for almost a year and half both for Cannabis and Cocaine use. It's not clever or big and does fuck your head up as I was being kicked out when it happened and was also sleeping on the streets.

Heroine if it is the drug in question is also very, very expensive even in that date, it also doesn't really make you go "high" or give you the buzz that cannabis does, I'd think carefully about the choice in the drug matter.

Need any help with costs of drugs, where she’d get it from, where she could take it etc just ask because like I’ve said this is a personal matter for me.

:O she's a druggie? oh my! update! lol

okay...please (there, I said it)

Update soon! :)

This sound good!

That was bloody brilliant. I don't think I have seen one like that yet. I mean, most people make them May-Sue's, but your's was awesome. So.. Is Gillian a drugy? Anyway, Update soon. :D

~StayGoldenPonyboy~