what happened to pansy*heart clench*

I was hoping to see how this story ended if Harry saves draco or loses him forever

I look forward to the next update, and Dumbledore's DEATH!

I wanted to like this story, but I can't get past this chapter. Normally, I'd just exit out and let you go on your way, but because in your latest update you said you're looking for a beta, I thought I'd give you some constructive criticism for when you find one and continue this story.

1.) This is extremely hard to read, grammatically speaking. You have run-on sentences, missing words, misspellings, and the construction of some sentences needs to be reviewed. Also, when a new character speaks you have to start a new paragraph. It is practically impossible to read a large paragraph where you have several different characters speaking. You may have fixed this in later chapters, but it's still present in the chapters I've reached.

2.) There has been absolutely no attempt to make the canon characters sound realistic or like the characters in the books. You haven't even made them sound British. They all sound like rude American teenagers. And Hermione sounds like quite a stupid American teenager, which she doesn't deserve. Her diction and word choice should be above that of a 13-year-old airhead. Perhaps you should look back on the books, or read some fanfiction written by someone living in the UK or even just watch a British show to get an idea of how they speak and the words they use.

3.) Constantly going back and forth between multiple points of view is annoying. If you can't convey all you want to say in the first-person without constantly shifting POV, then you should use a third-person narrative. Or else leave out that point of view if it is not necessary. If you want to shift POVs, then use it sparingly: only between 2 or 3 characters and make each point of view more than a few paragraphs long. Going back and forth is just a sign of a weak writer who can't convey what they want by focusing on the main character.

4.) Your original character, Professor Black, is fine, but you offer no clear reason why Draco and the other students suddenly trust her so much. Your characterisation of her is very superficial, which just makes the massive amounts of time you spend putting her in the story worthless. She adds nothing. To make her an asset to the story, you need to give her a multifaceted personality - something beyond being young and pretty, which isn't a characterisation - and she has to enter the story in a way that makes her integral to the plot. We and the other characters also need to know why we should trust her and like her. Why we should care about her. What is she bringing to the table that any number of already existing characters can't? Why create an OC when there are plenty of canon characters that could be further developed?

5.) When you have characters' thoughts, it is best to fully flesh that out rather than just write them out verbatim. For example, in chapter 13 you have this part with Harry:

-'WHAT? Voldemort got Draco! When? Wait maybe it was last night, when the werewolves attacked Professor Black, they took Draco and she tried to stop them.' I thought sadly as I quickly got up and headed to the Great Hall quickly. 'I need to talk to Hermione and Ginny and Pansy and Blaise! Draco needs our help and I'm the only one who can face Voldemort!'-

None of that needed to be in quotations. First of all, people's thoughts don't work like that. You don't think in complete sentences most of the time unless you sit down and make a point to think like that. And as far as a narrative goes, it'd be much better if it was something like this:

'The realisation that Voldemort had Draco was terrifying. I didn't know how werewolves could have gotten into the school, but if Professor Black was attacked by werewolves and immediately after that Draco was taken, it seemed clear that the werewolves had taken Draco and Professor Black had tried to stop them. Once it was clear, I got up from my hiding place and quickly made my way to the Great Hall. Draco needed help and he didn't have a lot of time; but even though I was the only one who could face Voldemort, I would need the help of our friends to be as prepared as possible.'

See how that is saying the exact same thing, only it reads better? The flow is easier and is more like a narrative. Thoughts are excellent opportunities to expand the narration, and when you read a book most of the words that aren't in a quotation or describing an action are the characters thoughts. They're written out as a narrative, and that makes the story flow and easy to read. Some thoughts are okay, of course. But most of them should be transferred into a description rather than a word-by-word account of what you want them to think.

6.) Sometimes it's hard to follow the plot because you don't write it out clearly. Or maybe that was just my exasperation at trying to decipher the long paragraphs. I'll admit, I did some skipping so I may have missed some things. But it was hard to follow where you're going with this. We're 15 chapters in, and not much has happened.

While I think this story could benefit from a rewrite, I doubt you'd do that... and I certainly wouldn't if it were my story. Not with all the chapters you've already written. But maybe if you keep some of these things in mind, your remaining chapters can be great.

Just make sure you work on the flow, grammar, characterisations, and narration, and you should be fine. Good luck! Like I said, I did want to like this story. I love sub!Draco and I thought your concept was interesting. But I just couldn't get past this chapter and I had to push myself to get this far.

i LOVED it, its so Draco and dom Harry is just too perfect. and ooooh will be any threesome ? Remy -Siri-Sev ? god i think im dying ,its so so so PERFECT. thank you. but when will you update?

great story, good character and subject, little sub Draco and top Harry is my favorite AND Sev- Siri of course. but you cant leave it unfinished. its horrible, please dont do that to your beloved readers.

please finish save me first

oh man all types of shit is coming out

holy shit things might be going well for a bit

oh man this is crazy

draco is in hell pure hell

blaise is dealing with some psychotic shit

and harry along cassie are on their way

at least he didnt feel anything

what the hell is going on with blaise and ginny and hermione

someone please save the poor boy

oh no draco cassie

oh thank you professor you are a great person

and harry starting to mark his territory

oh draco will nothing go your way