This story is great!
I'm writing my own story based on it!
I hope you don't mind!

The story only gets dry, and it sticks too close to the actual premise of the game. It's grown too monotonous by sticking with star points, item lists, and hit points.

Revised: 3/10.

This is an absolutely amazing story, with great characterization. There are a few minor grammar/spelling errors here and there, but they‘re hardly noticeable in the scheme of things. Overall, it’s one of the most entertaining Mario fanfics I’ve read in a long, long time.

Also, I largely agree with the points made in the review below mine. We seem to share the same opinions. Except for that last line - I couldn’t possibly disagree more on that point. ;)

Well, I'm very sorry about the other "review" that popped up under my name. My iPod wouldn't let me type, and it sent before I could fix it.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I absolutely loved this story. When I first started reading it, I knew nothing about Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door, so all the characters and places were completely new to me. But the way you wrote the story got me familiar with each character as I read on.

I believe someone else already mentioned this, but I do feel that the RPG-like aura of the story is a bit forced (eg: fighting scenes and stats), but it's not horrible. Personally, I would have enjoyed the fighting scenes a bit more if the characters had reacted upon stamina instead of HP.

The only other thing that I noticed but ignored was some simple spelling errors and grammar issues. They were nothing major, though. So don't worry. ;) Maybe next time you write, have someone look it over for you to find and fix small errors like that (if there is someone who's willing to do so).

Other than that, I really loved it. The story was great, and after reading what REALLY happened in the Thousand Year Door, I preferred your twist on the story. I also liked how Majid seemed to be his own character, but he still retained the core of who Mario really is.

Again, great job with this story, and I'm hoping to read the rest of it soon~! :D

P.S.: For future reference, if you're even thinking about it, please don't create a love relationship between Vivian and Majid. They are perfect as friends. And, plus, it would be a bit cliché to do so. ;)

V

Good job on this chapter! King Harkinian would be proud!

Oh yes. PLOT TWIST.

I wonder who the other human that can speak Yoshi is. Thinking about it, there aren't many humans in the Mario-verse, maybe it's Luigi? Peach would make more sense, since they described them as "elegant". Hmmm.

I absolutely loved this chapter. poor luigi.

Yes. Majid is an epic deadpan snarker.

Yes. Toadly is a badass swordsman.

Yes. Ms Mouz has always been awesome. And still is.

Fuck. Everyone's captured by probably Mario. (or maybe Yoshi)

I believe that is all there is to say on the matter.

The battle... It seems too dry. I like your idea of lengthening this particular chapter of the story, but it certainly doesn't hurt to change battles up a bit. Instead of Hit Points, use pain threshold or will to battle. If someone is in too much pain to continue, they're going to collapse, and if morale falls too low, they're not going to want to continue. Also, get rid of Star Points. It won't hurt to remove some aspects so the story is more of a story and not just a game.

I'm not saying I do not like the story. I very much enjoy it. The battle just seems kind of monotonous.

Spelling is pretty good, that is, there are maybe one or two errors but not enough to cause a problem, and the grammar isn't too shabby, either.

6.5/10 (In other words, C) Keep it up!

Epicness in a shell. YOU MUST WRITE MORE

:O Awesome story :3. And about the prophecy I think it's hinting towards Bowser but that's just me. Oh and poor Luigi XD.

OK, chapter ten is less heart-stopping, but I can't believe you've updated with three epic chapters in like a week! I haven't even updated on mine for like a month.

So the Gooper Blooper ink is just poisonous? That's all? OH PLEASE TELL ME THAT'S ALL.

Oh my fucking god. Just finished chapter nine; need to get to 10. This is so epic. Oh my god. Yoshi likes Majid now, but wants to kill him. And mario is an even bigger asshole. And oh my god the quid ink is all weird and shit. GAH! TOO MUCH EPICALLY AWESOME PLOT!

I really loved the star kid-luma-star spirit backstory. And to see Majid and Yoshi form a bond is going to be...interesting, to say the least. I mean now yoshi has two father figures, sort of. One he's loyal to because he was born with him, and the other is the ACTUAL father figure, but...bah, this emotion subtext is too (awesomely)complicated.

Also:

Main characters

rival characters

glooper blooper

battle at sunrise

...Well, you're writing the next chapter. I can't wait to see what you do with it.