This has generated me so much laughter, I love it.

Everything here:

"And remember that if you need someone down, just call us up, and we'll take care of it.
Cheap, Fast, Reliable. Zoldyck Family for all your assassination needs.

With warm regards,

Silva Zoldyck,
Head of the Zoldyck family and chief executing member of Zoldyck Assassins."

is priceless beyond belief. The rest is good, but that last bit is just... I don't even know.

I had to do a Tidus laugh to this one. Ah, this was genius, really. "Thirdly, we are not unkind people." Yeah because Illumi, Kikyo, and Milluki make the best of company. Zeno's cool though.

You should write more letters like this in the future. Be it from tax collectors, an upset tour company, or even a confused dress manufacturer. If I had your skills an subtle humor, I'd do one myself.

Genius! Hahaha
I love this! Silva FTW!

Brilliant! I love this idea. And I can imagine Silva saying every word of this in his hot assassin voice. (ignore the fangirly-ness in that last sentence, but Silva-sama is awesome!

)

XD

LOL!

Haha that made my day. A butcher? Really Silva? Though it does make sense in a way. D

'We have a team of very friendly butlers' VERY friendly actually. Their level of friendliness is overwhelming. xD

'We can fully assure you that we will not kill you if we meet. (Unless you're one of our targets, in which case we ask you to not take it personally)' LOL I'm imagining Silva saying this. You're funny.

Well, write more. I'd like to read stories by you!