Aww, so sweet. I love this song and the fact that you wrote a good AU story to this song makes it even better. Now I'll be thinking of this story everytime I hear it.

This is the first story I've read where Ed is Riza's birth son, but it made for an interesting read. The first scene when Kenny finds out about Ed is so sad. Then when she thinks she'll never find anyone again made it even more heartbreaking. Then along comes the hero of the story.

You've taken some liberties with Roy in this story. Again, it's AU so that's fine. It's sweet how much he cares for both Riza and Ed in this story. I love RoyEd parental stories, even if they break from canon (as long as it's not too weird). Their father son relationship is so sweet and is good material for fanfics. Here there relationship is just adorable. Roy really was a good dad to Ed.

Perhaps you should consider expanding with that point. Maybe you can dedicate a few paragraphs to Roy and Ed moments throughout the years. You mention a few cute moments while Roy and Riza are dating and that Ed really wants them to marry, but after they are married you could add some moments afterwards. What was it that Roy did that made him an exceptionally good father.

The part with Ed and Winry is sweet too. Nice job with having him name the baby after Roy.

Nice work with this story.

awww! so sweet! Didn't need improvement.

According to the site rules you agree to every time a story is posted, posting copyrighted song lyrics to your story is not allowed. If it were a song in the public domain, like Amazing Grace, it'd be no problem. However, 'He Didn't Have to Be' is copyrighted. You can mention the song title and singer's name as inspiration, but using the lyrics is definitely not allowed.

Honestly, you don't need the lyrics. It disrupts the flow of your story. Speaking for myself, I didn't even read them. They do nothing to contribute to your story.

Without the lyrics, your story is quite good. A nice little 'slice of life' piece. I like how you portrayed the sweet romance between Roy and Riza. I think you could've made it longer and explored their relationship a bit more, but that's just me. I realize this is a one-shot and what you've got does work quite well for it.

I'm pretty sure that even if the dialog is in the middle of sentence, the start of the sentence in quotes has to be capitalized. I can't swear to it, though. Otherwise, your writing technique is quite good.

I really did enjoy this. Even if I wasn't pointing out the fact using the lyrics is in violation of the site rules, they truly don't fit with what you wrote. And what your wrote stands perfectly well without them.

Cha

Critics United