Thank you.

Although the setting and explanation of the auditors was well done, the casual nature of the narrative voice diminished the weight of what they were and how they operated. A true monster is something that is unable to be seen, heard, or understood. However, the Auditors here seem to be all three.

The way they are interacting with each other seems almost too human. The fact that a “we” has to discuss things with itself and that a portion of it is capable of feeling disgruntlement is slightly odd. I would imagine a copy of the “we” inside a human body would feel disgruntled, but the Auditor that enters should still be too alien to actually feel something as humane as disgruntlement at being reduced when it is still part of the "we". It isn’t actually separated, so it feels that there is even less reason for it to be disgruntled.

You did not disappoint with Jonathan’s reaction to Myria’s appearance. Absolutely hilarious. As was Myria’s comment about blowing his mind. In fact, I’d say it applies to the whole scene.

His lack of composure was endearing and funny. As were Jessica’s snarky comments.

The description of their date was also nice, particularly the comparison to being near a fire in the cold. Shows both the romance and Myria’s vulnerability. I like the detail about them randomly smiling at each other; the date nicely illustrates that they are in love.

And her conclusion about “smitten” was also adorable.

This chapter was amazing. The last scene in particular was just a crescendo then climax of “Aww.” I’m almost at a loss for words. It’s just so heartwarming and pleasant to read. And I don’t even usually like romance stories!

The most resonant line was the one about not being alone. It’s been done before, but it works here, as a fundamental human need.

Top form. I salute you.

You showed Jessica’s anger humorously (through Jackstone’s reaction) and well.
Myria’s first instinct, to ascertain what’s wrong with her new friend, really helps her be a sympathetic character.

[prig]
Typo?

I also like Myria asking why Griswell’s opinion is relevant. She’s trying to learn and be helpful at the same time.

Aww, Myria is clearly kind at heart. Her line about being more insistent on Jessica being treated with respect reinforces this.

Jessica’s line about unhappy people needing someone to look down on shows that she’s pretty insightful, especially for someone her age.

[swear that you won’t use it except in dire need.]
Very funny.

Again Jessica comes across very favorably. She could easily have lashed out at Myria, but didn’t at all. It would even have been normal for someone her age. Instead she bonds more.

Also touching is how quickly Myria is becoming comfortable around Jessica, as shown by her speech patterns changing to become far more casual.

I might merge this chapter and the previous one.

Enjoyed the chapter as always.

I do like how you illustrated the various levels of the social ladder through how they acquired clothing. It illustrated the strata while still being relevant to what the characters were doing.
The stink slugs were funny.

The second reason for Bullworth’s success was funny as well, in the absurdity of the logic. But quite believable.

I still recommend clearer breaks for when you switch the point of view.

Myria’s cheating is a nice little microcosm of her character. She does things because she doesn’t see a reason not to, and does see a minor one for it, but doesn’t see the consequences.

This chapter felt a little flat. Still funny, but it didn’t seem relevant to the plot or have much emotion. I still finished the chapter exited to read on, particularly in seeing Jonathan’s reaction to Myria’s new appearance.

[[4] They (need a “found”) Grisswell …]
And of course, very funny, as usual.

Still enjoying the story.

The bracketed narrative insert threw me for a loop. I might just remove it.

A persistent but very minor problem I've noticed: you don't put commas before and after names in dialogue.

A talking dog. Huh. That came out of nowhere, but I’m getting that this kind of thing happens pretty often on the Disk.

I don’t like him, but I don’t hate him either. It sounds like he’s an anomaly, mostly selfish, who used to try to help people, but now only a faint trace of that remains.

[smitten, as in being struck?]
Funniest line in the chapter. Myria’s and Jonathan’s obliviousness is one of the endearing things about their relationship.

Jessica’s reaction to Myria not being human was surprisingly sweet. You set it up so that it could easily have turned into a disaster, but Jessica acted with surprising acceptance and maturity. I like a lot of their interactions; they’re clearly bonding quickly.

[Two females …]
“Females” is a little awkward, though I like the rest of the line. Figures, maybe?

I like how Myria is significantly more awkward in speech now that she’s away from Jonathan. Just a nice touch.

Myria trusting Jessica’s judgement on what to pay (even after concluding it made no sense) was sweet. And Jessica is clearly nice here, simply rewarding honesty.

Myria seems to react well to Madame Snob (funny nicknames, by the way), so I wonder again why various characters are so concerned about the social ladder. It makes sense for most of them, I suppose, growing up with it, but Susan seems like she’d be above it.

I like the conversation about retrophrenology. Humorous and important to Myria’s character.

[Myria managed to not interpret that literally]
I’m running out of ways to say you’re funny. But it also shows that Myria is steadily growing more used to humanity.

Another great chapter!

Humorous and well written as usual :)

I’m a little mystified at Susan’s concern for social protocol. I understand that Myria would be very vulnerable to people reacting negatively to her, and that lowering her social status would cause that from upper class people. But I didn’t think she interacted with the upper class, so I don’t see why that would be such a pressing concern.

[experiences…” Argh. “intense… experiences.”]
Very funny.

[screaming “steal me steal me”]
Humorous reinforcement of how valuable the gold is.

Susan is nicely portrayed as very intimidating in this chapter. As well as an excellent teacher, from her rapid-fire responses to each child’s question.

I also loved her crisp, coldly helpful demeanor. Her heart is clearly in the right place, and she is not without issues of her own. Nicely done.

(Your definition of eccentricities was amusing.)

Susan's last line definitely increased my foreboding.
Around this point, I was completely hooked, and read through to the end.

Well, that calm last chapter certainly gave this one more of a punch. I have to say that, due to the calmness in the chapter before and in the first few paragraphs of this one, I was definitely more affected by the destruction of the house than I would have been.

Speaking of the first few paragraphs, the tomcat’s tendency for destruction had me smiling. My cat tends to have creative retaliatory behaviors whenever he isn’t petted or fed enough or when it is a Tuesday, so I can just see nice little Koom plotting his vengeance. I am wondering (am pretty certain) on whether you meant to foreshadow what they would find by mentioning the cat’s “tendency to destroy furnishings.”

I cannot quite get a read on Mr. Feddleman’s inner thoughts, which seems rather fitting for his character and businessman role in the story . On one hand, he does seem to possess some levels of concern; but on the other, his obvious anticipation about Myria handing over another gold bar makes me wonder if that part is only a show.

On a side note, how many bars of gold does dear Myria have hidden in the floor?

This chapter leaves me with a great sense of foreboding. Hopefully someone will explain clearly to Myria how dangerous pure gold is, and she’ll create A-M dollars instead. But I don’t think that’s going to happen.

Nice foreshadowing too, back when she was still adapting to her body and paid with gold. Though I didn’t know how valuable it was until now.

Myria having a girls’ day out promises to be entertaining.

[No, it is not okay […] I will probably do it many more times.”]
This, and Jonathan’s response, was really touching.

New characters! I like them both.
Pars comes across as a very sensible and practical person who cares a lot for his family.
Jessica seems grounded for a teenager, and nice in a sassy sort of way.

I like that Jonathan’s affection for Myria was clear to both of them but not himself until recently. It reinforces that he’s got it bad. As did his giving her his bed and sleeping on the floor.

As usual, humorous and adorable!

Aww! The entire chapter was extremely sweet.

I like your description of her as a glass rose. In addition to beautiful and fragile as you said explicitly, if it shatters it will hurt. Hopefully she won’t shatter.

I like the reminder of her thoroughly logical attitude by her home furnishings.

The smack was the funniest part of the chapter, coupled with the immediate responses.

[ooof]
Hilarious. This is followed by genuine heartwarming. You’ve really captured how vulnerable Myria is, and how much Jonathan cares for her.

[Jonathan was shocked, this was not what he expected.]
The second part is redundant. Could you say what he did expect? (Also, you want a semicolon, not a comma.)

The POV still moves around. I think this chapter could be written completely from Jonathan’s point of view, with Myria’s emotions being very easy for him to read on her face. But not a big deal.

I’ll repeat, this chapter was an awesomely written, heartwarming piece of writing. Great job!

Especially during the end two segments, this whole chapter had a warm feeling to it. From Jonathon’s awe of Myria to the lovely evening out and then to Myria realizing that she belonged somewhere, the whole tone of the chapter was relaxing and sweet to read; and, it leaves me wanting to read more chapters with the same tone.

On a different note, I thought that it was a bit funny how Jonathon was internally using very artistic words to describe Myria while looking and acting like a mind-blown fool on the outside. This lovely scene really felt like it was portraying one of the paradoxes of love (one moment being able to wax beautiful poetry, but than losing a few dozen IQ the next).

I really liked the last sentence and the segment that it was a part of. With Myria having night terrors for most of the story, the lack of them truly signifies how safe and happy she feels at that moment. I only hope that, if the hints to the troubles that a bar of gold can bring come true, she can survive whatever occurs next in her story.

Well, I certainly feel less sorry for Mr. Grisswell after finding out that he treated Jessica like that. It was annoying reading about how he acted towards her because she “didn’t know her place,” and it really reminds me of every time in real life that happens.

Of course, this scene did make me more sympathetic towards Jessica. Being young and having to face similar problems, I can relate to her…opinion on these situations. Oddly enough, this little scene has made her my second favorite character instead of Jonathon (who is still in the top three).

Even with these more serious scenes, I like that you still included humor into the chapter as well. The part where Myria ensured that Jessica would not think too hard on her changing figure was funny and so was Jessica’s name anecdote. Personally, I agree with Jessica’s grandparents more. Parsley and Basil are far better names than Bob or John would ever be.

While reading about Bullworth’s Exclusive Designes advertisement methods, I have this sense that you are poking some fun at modern advertisement. (It certainly is true that people somehow think that if the model looks like that in that outfit than they would to). I think that you tie in social commentary and prodding well into the story and that you write it in a way that it is obvious to people who are looking for it and/or thinking the same thing while still writing it in a way that is humorous for anyone who does not really care whether or not this joke refers to real world behaviors.

On an unrelated note, I noticed a somewhat jarring, forgotten quotation mark in the “Jessica considered again. Do you suppose they use those models, um, so they don’t need as much cloth?” sentence after the paragraph on Counterweight Current.

On another unrelated thread, it is downright hilarious that Myria really does not understand what changing the size of certain womanly features means. Here she is thinking that no one would care or notice that she fits the dress perfectly, yet there are many people who would literally kill for that ability. Even though he is a bit of a snob, I do feel sorry for Mr. Grisswell. His life seems to revolve around this business, so it must be concerning for him to suddenly lose the ability to measure correctly. (Of course, he lost some of that sympathy when he entered a drunken stupor for three days.)

Well, that was some twist. It seems that our heroes are going to be facing more trouble ahead and lawyers are getting involved. Hmm, Myria on a court stand could be hilarous - she could out logic any of them - though it would require her emotional health to be in an okay state which we don't currently know how she is doing there so this could be bad. Though I wonder does Myria still have the ability to make more gold, because if so then there is no conflict.

Again, you did of a really good job of introducing new characters and giving us a couple of traits to help us understand them quickly. Rust's continual dismissal of Feedleman's explanations before he finishes shows the Lord's sense of his own importance if he can't he be bother to listen to someone he pays to advise him.

Hmm, Rust is going to have an issue with the Watch methinks with his current plan, because they most currently do know better. Anyone, you definitely wrote an epilogue that makes it clear that there is more of Myria's story left to be told.

In all, I have throughly enjoyed working my way through this fun story over the past month. Hope my ramblings made sense to you. Cheers!