. as I scaned around. to sleep in bad. On it back In my front left pocket I had my wallet attached to one of my belt loops by a chain. Well, at lest i'm wearing everything I looked back to the derection the rabbit went
. I called out to it. I said out load. Could you speak loader? fluttershy. Fluttershy said. While slowly lowering her head , you cant talk. Your a horse."

Some corrections need to be made. You should watch out. I mean its like correcting a third grader.
Instead of all that above, it should have been:

. as I scanned around. to sleep in bed. On its back In my front left pocket ,I had my wallet attached to one of my belt loops by a chain. Well, at least i'm wearing everything I looked back to the direction the rabbit went
. I called out to the animal. I said out loud. Could you speak louder? Fluttershy. Fluttershy said while slowly lowering her head , you can't talk. Your a horse."

There are many more ,but I am too lazy to catch them. You should check your work before turning it in. It is on the rules you know...

This is coming togather as a very nice story aside from a few spelling errors. Id love to hear the rest

Alright, hello. Im Nwtp- dreamer. lets get this over with.

I have red and reviewed almost all HiE fics, so listen good. For starters, I would just like to say that I enjoy the story. It just has some mistakes. The most common one, the use, or should i say, non-use of quotation marks. Quotation marks indicate when a person/pony is speaking.

For example, instead of saying:

The pony looked at me. I'm so sorry about your head. Fluttershy said.

It is better and easier to read if you say.

"I'm so sorry about your head," Fluttershy said while staring at me.

See the difference? When you do it the way your doing it, it blends in with the rest of the paragraph and is made confusing. This way is clearer and more descriptive.

The second, Try making your chapters MUCH longer. If you are using Microsoft word, I would say about 3 and a half pages AT LEAST! No less.

And the last thing (not a grammar problem, it just bugs be when people do this)

Its Ponyville. Not pony vile.

I hope you do not take this review as offensive. I do enjoy the story, honest. Just a few mistakes here and there. Im just helping you improve as a writer. I hope you go on to write great things :)

I'm sorry, but this story is a grammatical nightmare!

- Your spacing is all over the place.

- You have a distinct lack of paragraphing.

- I can't differentiate between speakers until I read the context.

Apart from that this genre is pretty much full. It needs more flesh to it, more back-story. You just jump straight into it.

2/10

Sorry that I'm so harsh but somebody needed to say it.

You should ty using " to indicate when someone is talking.

Good begining but just put more space!

1 follow for you :)