I realize that it was your first attempt to write something in English but if you know you made mistakes in the small paragraph of a story, why not ask a beta reader for help?

And I would also enjoin you to add more detail. This story CAN be elongated but only if you are willing to try.

And as for the fact that he was a girl, I assumed he was Afuro until you mentioned Kazemaru's name. lol!

Hope you find a good beta reader who will help you. If ot, then please contact me- I will get one for you.

Regards~

ZK