"Lol, wtf is the masquerade?" ~Anton Tepes.

recently, following a great story's Author's link, I read Princess, then Lettets and now Masque. Wow your characters are so alive and in me head. You really arr powerful in "The Art of the Heart"! Great job

This was the first vampire related fiction that I've ever read. I am a becoming quite enamored with your writing and I aim to read your entire catalog. I've never watched any of the twilight movies but the vampires from your story seem more inline with (my assumptions) a twilight-vamp. I came in expecting a more monstrous (Picture Lost Boys/Blade) character and was pleasantly surprised. At times I even forgot Bennevolyn's beau was a creature of the night, I particularity enjoyed Anton's reactions during their first fight. I look forward to continuing this story, maybe I'll fall in love with the quickest growing fantasy genre.

Thanks for another fun story, you keep writing & we'll keep reading.

To tell you the truth, I'm disappointed at where the story is heading towards. I mean, at first, there was some tension. Something of a mystery, (sabbat) anarchists trying to brew trouble for the (primogen) baron. The whole implied power-play Mr. Tepes is supposed to be busy with.

But then, you have cheep, lazy vampires - their vampirism has no flaws, beside 'oh, the sun burns me but it is bearable'.
There's too much talk about love. Where others should be talking about toys

Too much laughter and friendship, where there should be hidden daggers.

And your main character just goes and tells everyone in her class where he lives. That's what it means to be careful.

Also, "It is not a world people should be brought into lightly, and it should always be their choice." is bullshit. Even Twilight had only Bella who wanted in, and she's, let's face it, not the bright person. And these vampires were with no crippling disadvantages at all.

Anyway, going to continue reading the updates, but not with as much enthusiasm as from the start.
I mean, even Letters had more tension.

Good luck anyway,
Nauro

Hmm, if you'd go and replace every 'Baron' into 'Primogen', or, at least Elder, that would work in the context of what you're trying to use.

"There's a convocation of elders in Europe that attempts to control the various Princes, but they usually do not succeed"
Huh, yeah, right. If a Price steps out of line, he's going to get visited by a Justicar. Of course, America's slightly looser, but it has other problems.

A stake through the heart paralyzes, doesn't kill. Of course, he might be lying, just be on the safer side.

Sunlight 'burns' the vampire in 12 to 18 seconds. On average. In a cloudy day with heavy clothes, a vampire would have a few minutes.
Unless he has high fortitude. A very old Ventrue or sometimes Salubri could pull off a daytime mission for an hour or two, but would have to heal for a couple of days afterwards.
Sleep - it depends on humanity, and theoretically with huge moral code and stuff, one could potentially stay awake until the very moment the sun rises. If it's not dangerous, it's hard to not go to sleep at daytime - most get defeated by that feeling of tiredness and go to sleep for the day very fast.

Those who can actually eat food are rare. Even then, they have to vomit it back up at some point. Others just vomit it back after minutes, however much they would like not to. They can drink water, if I remember correctly.

Anyway, yeah, not VtM at all. Still a better story than Twilight ;D.

I'm probably going to stop nitpicking at your setting. But if you ever want to fix some things, I'd not be against pointing out some things or answering questions. Have an almost seven year experience with the setting. Anyway, a good story so far, even if it's not canon ;D.

Cheers,
Nauro

Alright, I can confirm that this is, so far, better than twilight, but, most, if not all vampire stories are.

I had to comment, though - even though the writing style seems good and flows well, it sounds very much weird, since it goes at odds with VtM lore. Even though you did point out that it's kind of AU.

1. If Tepes is a brother for Vlad, he's most probably Tzimitze. That means a monster with weird body shapes and a penchant for changing appearances and having exotic looks. But, most importantly, a lot less human than average. (Of course, these are stereotypes and deviation exists.) That paints his probable sect as Sabbat.
His behaviour points at Toreador, though
2. Prince is a Camarilla title. You can't be a Baron who wants to be a prince. Sheneshal (I might be wrong on spelling here, writing from a phone) could be what you are looking for, and still, you won't be a Sheneshal of some parts of the city. It just means that you're second from the prince. Alternativelly, any elder in the running works, same as being a primogen.
3. Baron is an Anarch title, and barons can be 'of downtown Chicago'. That would mean anarchs wouldn't have beef with Mr. Tepes unless it was personal.

Putting these three together, you have a Sabbat prone clan memeber, having an Anarch title and Camarilla aspirations. That doesn't make sense in the context of VtM.

Still, going to continue reading, even though you can't really claim you're writing in VtM, you look like you did glance at some info for a couple of minutes.

Really like the story, and how you have created your own slightly different version of the two canon worlds.

I dont really agree with how you portray the Anarchs, but I can certainly see where you're coming from.

Anyway, really hope you continue,
-Robert DeWarren

This deserves far more reviews than it has. All of your works are exemplary; I have yet to read one that I find distasteful.

Don't get discouraged. The only reason this isn't crawling with people is that V:TM-B isn't known by its works of fiction. Keep up the good work.

Yo. I hope someone else has reviewed this. Excellent story so far. Honestly, I can't really comment too much on the story since except for the "M" stuff, nothing much actually happened. I mean, you're definitely starting to set up the pieces for the story. It's good to know the information. I am curious about what happens further. Also, I didn't know it was the future. Thanks for telling me.

Also... you grew up in/went to school at Chicago? Nice. I am born and raised in Indy.

Yo. I like your stuff; fan of yours since Harry Potter. I was hesitant to read this when I saw the subject. I am a bit of a geek and I like to table top, but I am just not geek enough to LARP. I decided to click on it anyway and I was very pleasantly surprised. Your writing is very good. I also did not know you based this off of the video game. I am now contemplating getting it.

Now for the review of your story thus far.

Ms. Brave

I like the protagonist's name. It's original and still plausible. It also does not sound "ghetto" or "white trash".

I like her snarky, sarcastic attitude. I like that she sounds human and not Mary-Sue. I kind of get the impression she has low self-esteem. She also has a little bit of back story that is tragic but is not overplayed.

Sometimes she seems too pessimistic. I don't know if that's just my personal preference or if other people have that opinion as well.

Mr. Tepes

Not much has been written about him yet since the story is first person from Ms. Brave's perspective. I also do not know what he is thinking so I cannot really have an opinion on him yet.

As of right now, I'd say he could use more emotion. At the same time, he's lived for over 500 years, and I can understand he would be very reserved and jaded personality-wise.

Otherwise, I like him.

Storyline

Good. I like the back story in chapter one. I also like that you haven't stayed on the back story for too long. The flow, as I have come to expect from you, is excellent leading from one event to the other. I also like that you are perfectly willing to spend just a single paragraph over a time frame such as a day, a month, or longer and get the mood right for the next event in your story.

Overall

Come on! Continue! Don't stop now! I am just getting interested!