OH MY GOG HUM4NS 4R3 SOM3TH1NG...K4RKL3S 1S MY M4T3SPR1T BUT W3 D1DNT F1LL 4 BUCK3T Y3T THOUGH ;]

dawwww

I was kind of wondering why he wasn't topping xD but damn that was juicy w great fic! Live Tarezi ! (B

Alright, now I usually don't review works. Not because I didn't like them, I just never really have anything to impart. However, I remember reading your other version of this a while back, and while it felt immature, it seemed like a good starting point for writing lemons. Personally, I find it difficult to write them as it's hard to sit down at the computer and just type about people having sex. But! You seem have gotten past the initial awkwardness that that entails and that's huge.

Now, you could try to focus more on the sensations that are happening and not so much as the actions. Also, if a sentence feels too long, it usually is. Make your sentences smaller and easier to chew. It makes the overall reading experience more enjoyable.

Hope that helped.