This is stupid

not bad at all, but please update more regularly if possible

is this an au?

so cool

This was pretty funny and you got a few snickers out of me at the humor, I enjoyed it. But you move way too fast and don't put enough words into details and buildup. I think you've got a great handle on idea and if you slow down and put more effort into punctuation, capitalization, and those other boring fundamentals you have the makings of a great writer, which is really good because it's much easier to pick up the fundamentals than learn creativity.

I agree with renegadeofficer89! You need more punctuation in this story!

I'd have to say, use more punctuations! You lacked quotes/double quotes/whatever for dialogues, a lack of description as well! One of the reasons why my stories took a while to come is that I tried to imagine a scene as vividly as possible so that the reader can picture it in their heads, bringing them there in your story. My lack of vocabulary hampered this sometimes, but I always tried my best! You need to read more novels. Some great fics that can absorb you in their world are Shinji and Warhammer 40k, Evangelion Gear, NGE: Nobody Dies, Hope of the Senju Clan among others. These are the fics that I strive (and so far, failed) to be. Read these, and be awed. These are the examples that you should follow. You can improve, I'm sure. Try again.