Everybody has a Ghost

By JuniperHeart

Summary - After dynamic shifts in the world's politics and set 5 years after the battle with Ultimecia, Squall reflects on his loves and losses and what he truly needs to live again. The challenge is in doing something about it.

Warnings - Contains homosexual relationships, sexual situations, angst, sappiness on occasion, and may contain swearing. Oh and no Rinoa-bashing.

Pairings - Squall/Rinoa (reminiscent), Squall/OC, Squall/Seifer

A/N - As I am usually inspired by songs, I decided to base each chapter on an influential song. This chapter was inspired by Ghost by Live. I hope you enjoy! Squall/Seifer is still my absolute favourite pairing to write about and I hope readers are still into it.

Chapter One - Ghost

Everybody has a ghost

Everybody has a ghost that sings like you do

Yours is not like mine, It's all right, keep it up

Squall Leonhart felt that he should be happy. He should be content, at least. He should be satisfied with what his hard work had gained for him. All the battles, all the stress and hardship he had gone through with the sorceress' war against Ultimecia, Adel, Seifer and whom he considered his second mother, Edea. All the emotional strain he had faced during time compression.

As Squall looked out from what used to be Cid's office window and gazed across the distinct areas of Balamb garden he knew that he was decidedly not happy. He commanded the amazing relic that Balamb garden was, commanded the students studying to be SeeDs and the SeeDs that were either in the garden or sent out on missions and he knew he had earned it with what he had been through, but it definitely wasn't contributing to anywhere near a positive state of mind. As the sun began to set to the west, scattering peach, coral and fuchsia hues across the mountains behind garden he felt as though he should be at peace with himself and the bloody history he had once been a part of.

It had slowly been creeping its way through his entire being, his 'darkness' he called it, and it had only really become distinct from his usual morose nature within the last few months. Now it chipped away at the once impenetrable shell he enveloped himself with and affected everything he did, the people he came into contact with and the way he treated himself. Even the seemingly never-endingly lively Zell became rather muted in Squall's midst, even though Squall had felt that Zell was immune to that sort of thing. Squall had put Zell in charge of training the students combat techniques a few years ago once the blonde had mellowed somewhat, but he didn't realise Zell was capable of becoming that mellow.

Quistis had taken leave of garden to follow her new found passion: Politics. Squall thought she was absolutely insane getting into it, given that Esthar was now not hidden anymore from the rest of the world tensions were once again rising between Esthar and Galbadia. She seemed to have a good mind for that sort of thing though, and after discussions with Squall's father Laguna, she eagerly accepted the role of his primary military advisor.

As for Selphie and Irvine, soon after the defeat of Ultimecia they decided to take the domestic route and settle down in Winhill. He thought they were insane too, but they seemed remarkably happy with their many cats and two offspring, no matter how stressed by their family they seemed to be. It was pretty amazing to see the 180 degrees Irvine shifted after falling for Selphie and she seemed to have actually calmed somewhat since the fall of Ultimecia.

And here Squall was, witnessing how passionate his fellow comrades still were with their lives, and feeling nil of that for himself. He knew he was lonely. Since opening up quite a lot due to Rinoa's effect on him he was more aware of some of the things he was feeling. So loneliness was definitely there, maybe a dash of misery and a void of emptiness were there too. Xu and Nida had noticed the gradual change in demeanour and took on more of the stressful jobs that Squall would normally be required to do. If anything, that probably made him worse, because now he was also incredibly bored out of his freaking mind.

Squall pursed his lips tightly, feeling the sharp pang in his chest and willing it to subside. His trademark but now rather tattered bomber jacket was swung on and his trusty lionheart was taken familiarly into his right hand. There wasn't much else to do but go slice the innards out of some grats and maybe a T-Rexaur would cross his path to provide a bit more challenge.

At eight in the evening the corridors of garden were slightly crowded with students returning to the dormitory after stuffing their faces with hot dogs. Why they still provided the students with unhealthy and hardly nutritious meals was beyond him, but he had an inkling that the presence of Zell in the garden may have had something to do with hot dogs still being on the menu.

He saw the looks the students gave him; like he was someone from a different planet. He wasn't their new headmaster as such, Xu had taken that responsibility, but he was still involved in the training of the students and the contracts that the SeeDs were given. The increasing unrest between Esthar and Galbadia indicated that his job was about to become more and more stressful. Luckily their intake of students had increased quite markedly over the 5 years since the fall of Ultimecia. From what he had seen and heard from others, a lot of young people were inspired by Squall and co. to become soldiers. It was a bittersweet thing for Squall to be a part of; he liked seeing that there was something young people were passionate about but he wouldn't wish what he had gone through on anyone. He knew the students were surprised at how aloof he had become, given that he apparently was 'one of the saviours of the world'. So many people had died or had sacrificed their livelihood to ensure the safety of the world's population, like Rinoa ultimately had. And then there was what happened to Seifer…

Ignoring the curious, yet intimidated gazes from the passing students, Squall blocked off his mind from any future unpleasant thoughts other than destroying monsters. They certainly were going to be annihilated tonight.

The monsters held no challenge for him, GF or no. It was nearing the third anniversary since Dr. Odine had successfully declared the guardian forces to be detrimental to human health and called for any GF users to seal their summons away in what he called a 'Guardian Force Bank'. Only on such missions such as controlling the population of the dragons and other tough beasts were they ever used, and the mental condition of the users had to be strictly monitored after every mission. They also rotated the SeeDs on these missions to limit the exposure to the effects of the GFs. Squall certainly didn't have any need for them anymore, but he was a little worried that the soldiers and students would need them in due course and that the bank would eventually be ransacked and plundered by those in power.

Squall sliced through another smelly grat and quickly dashed away to avoid the consequent explosion of gastric juice. There were no T-Rexaurs as of yet, but he knew the population had declined somewhat in the training center, probably due to himself. He gritted his teeth and made a mental note to tell Xu they needed to get someone to breed them again. Who that unlucky individual would be, he had no regard for.

Another grat down and he was feeling a little fatigue and sweat on his brow but no satiety and no relief from the returning stream of thoughts. Thinking that 40 grat would probably do, he decided to retire to the shower room to clean off the grime. He was always thankful at the end of his training that he had his own shower room and supply of post-workout clothing so he could avoid the stares from the students. He also knew they saw him fight the monsters; his furiousness in doing such probably contributing to some of the fearful looks directed his way. However, the secret area always caught his eye on his way through the training centre. Maybe he could scare the students 'using' the area away. It wasn't as though he cared young people used it to make out, but he did get a little sadistic happiness from their reaction to being snapped.

As he expected, the students occupying the area either shrieked in terror or apologised profusely before leaving. It wasn't as though he was happy they left; it only set in that feeling of loneliness once again. The pulsing orange lights leading up the central tower made him feel terribly nostalgic. Quistis had once led him here, dejected and lonely and in need of comfort from a friend. At that point in time he didn't put much stock in friendship and thought that solitude was a form of strength. Then Rinoa had to turn that theory on its head and now here he was. Not that he blamed her for anything. He couldn't blame or hate her for anything she had ever done in her life. She had made the ultimate sacrifice.

Squall sighed shakily and ran his fingers through his damp hair. No matter what he did or told himself he would never forget what happened. He would never ever fill the void losing her had left. Of course, it was only temporary; If 4 years and counting was what was considered temporary. Rinoa had voluntarily, like before, been sealed away due to increasingly losing control of the powers she had inherited from Adel. Any longer and she felt she would have been a threat to everyone living so, being selfless as she was, she put herself in stasis for everyone's sake. Since then Squall had become more and more aware of her loss. More and more lonely. More and more empty. It could be worse, he supposed. She could be permanently lost.

Trying his best to distract himself from his morbid thinking, he rushed out of the secret area and hurried back to his living quarters. It was unfortunate that he could no longer draw or use magic; otherwise he would hit himself with a rather potent sleep spell. The whiskey would have to do, for now.

However, his concerns about the future of garden and the tensions between Esthar and Galbadia kept him restless, even after he had forced down copious amounts of whiskey. He would have to initiate discussions with Odine tomorrow about allowing more soldiers to access to the GF bank and training them in using their GFs and the powers associated with them. He was becoming increasingly concerned the more he thought about it. Even though he assumed they were at an advantage being the only garden with GF using soldiers (and therefore had a monopoly over the contracts regarding the monsters that could not be defeated without them) he felt like he was running out of time. He imagined Xu was thinking the exact same thing, as she always seemed to be one step ahead. Squall breathed in a shallow breath and tried to recall what Dr. Kadowaki had told him in their many 'discussions'. That was what she called them, but he knew he was being counseled. Practicing his mindfulness, he accepted the thoughts entering and leaving his head as neutral and eventually fell into slumber.