AN: This is a quick crackfic whipped together from the inspiration of a Tumblr gif. Not normally the kind of stuff I write, but meh. It has the typical AU premise that at some point in time, Loki fled to Midgard and ultimately ended up serving 'home detention' in the company of Thor, Jane and Darcy. I know, I know... *shakes head*... Don't question, just read! :D B

PS: If you happen to be on Tumblr... Come visit me! godofmischief-dot-org dot tumblr dot com or check out my loki fansite at godofmischief dot org

Evil Is Not A Toy

by Sorrow

.

"Happy Valentines, Loki."

"What is this?" Loki eyed the candy box speculatively, before flicking his eyes beyond the outstretched hand. A broad grin plastered Thor's face. It only served to increase his suspicion.

"Fine Midgardian chocolates!" Thor shook the box as he thrust it towards his brother once more. "You should try one, they're far more delicious than popping tarts."

"Uh, I think you mean Pop Tarts?" Darcy interjected, patting Jane's arm comfortingly as a crimson blush rose to the astrophysicist's cheeks.

Unaware of Midgardian slang at the best of times, the Thunderer flashed a quizzical frown at Jane's rosy glow before nodding in vague acknowledgement towards her intern.

Loki's soft snigger drew their attention back to him. "I find it hard to believe there is any fare on Midgard that could be described as delicious, let alone something that comes bound in plastic wrap and topped with a pink ribbon."

"You'd be surprised, brother!" Thor smiled eagerly. "The exchange of chocolates is a long-serving tradition on this realm, marking all manner or special occasions. Today we celebrate the Feast of Saint Val- "

"Yes, I'm aware of the date." Loki waved a hand, stifling Thor's explanation with bored flippancy. "I've been trapped in these confines long enough to have developed an understanding of most that goes on within this gods-forsaken realm." He indicated the laptop on the couch before him. "I do have the universe at my fingertips, after all."

Turning to the computer, Loki's hands flew across the keyboard before he spun the device around so that his companions - a term used only loosely - could see the blue and white webpage he offered them.

Darcy dropped down before the screen, fascinated. "You're on Tumblr!" Her eyes flicked to his handle, godofmischief-dot-org, before she reached out and and began scrolling down his dash. "I'm not sure whether to be impressed or scared shitless."

Loki leaned in and dropped his voice to a conspiring whisper. "I'd suggest equal measures of both."

"Yeah well, don't believe everything you read on Tumblr without researching at least five other renowned websites for confirmation first." Darcy sat back on her heels and nodded knowingly. "Trust me. I totally got sucked into believing ISON was going to wipe us all out back in November."

"Really Darcy?" Jane interrupted. "I could've told you that was a load of rubbish."

"As could have I." Loki smiled coolly. "Fear not. All I seem to encounter is accolades to your pathetic Avengers, endless gifsets of a man called Tom Hiddleston and, more recently, enough Valentine tributes to make a single person want to swing from a noose." Loki sniffed with disdain. "Valentines. It's pathetic."

"Awww…" Darcy reached up and rubbed the Trickster's arm, ignoring his darkening scowl. "Don't be sad, Loki. We'll all be your Valentine." She scuttled back on her heels to avoid the pale white hand that snaked out to shove her, and snatched the gift-wrapped box from Thor's grasp.

"C'mon, take it." She implored, resting the box beside him. "Please?"

"Unlikely." Loki grimaced, his gaze resting firmly on the screen he'd swung back towards him.

"What small boon could we grant, Loki, for you to accept this gift?" Thor offered, his face open and genuine.

"A small boon?" Loki's head snapped up, his interest piqued at last. "You would dare make a deal with the devil?"

"Thor…" Jane reached out to touch his arm, her voice cautioning. "Is this wise?"

"Do not trouble yourself, Jane." Thor gave her hand a reassuring squeeze. "My brother is ever-scheming, but I will not grant too bold a request."

"Besides, Loki's already found the internet." Darcy reminded them. "We'll be ragna-rocking any day now."

"She's right, Thor." Jane interjected again. "Loki's already breached his confines. Given what he's capable of, how do we know a seemingly small request won't have terrible repercussions?"

"Your wench speaks with wisdom." Loki smoothly agreed, ignoring Jane's indigant protest. "You have no idea what can be bought with coin these days." He winked at Darcy, the only one to have understood his reference.

"But rest assured" he continued, "my request is innocuous."

"I find that hard to believe." Jane shot.

"I merely ask for respite." Loki ignored the astrophysicist's distrusting scowl and locked eyes with his brother. "A break from this apartment and the eternal chatter of these banal women with whom you keep company."

"Hey!" Darcy exclaimed. "That's not nice!"

"Neither is hearing of the latest tracks you've added to your playlist or who said what to whom on Facebook." Loki retorted. "Believe me when I say I'd sooner be tortured by Thanos than endure another solid day of it."

"You wish to leave the apartment?" Ignoring his brother's complaints, Thor mulled over his request. "And go where?"

Loki blinked. "Oh. I don't know. I hear the Isle of Silence is nice this time of year, perhaps you could exile me there?"

"We'll take him clubbing!" Darcy suggested enthusiastically.

"No." Jane stated flatly. "No way."

"The mall?" The intern continued. "A movie? Hey, is the Desolation of Smaug still playing?"

"I'd actually quite like to get away from you, Darcy." Loki said in a sweet tone that belied his words.

She made a face. "Whatever you've gotta tell yourself."

The Trickster shot her a withering smile before looking back to his brother, noting with hope the way in which Thor chewed his thumb in contemplation. "Brother, please." He pressed.

"I will accept your request, Loki." Thor answered at last, "We shall spend a day beyond this apartment. Hogan's village in Vanaheim could benefit from our labour. You can don a disguise for the task."

"Oh. Fantastic." Loki said drolly. "Are you sure you couldn't just hand me back to Thanos?"

"Don't be silly." Thor grinned. "Now, open your gift."

Loki rolled his eyes and reached for the box Darcy had placed beside him. With an exaggerated flourish he released the ribbon, then sliced a fingernail through the transparent plastic seal. Before lifting the box's lid, he passed his gaze over each of them, noting Thor's barely-disguised mirth, Jane's scepticism, and the way Darcy was grinning like a village idiot.

"Let me guess…" Loki sighed, popping up the lid and glancing in with a bitter smile. "Ah yes. A box of empty chocolate wrappings. How very witty of you, Thor."

"But I thought you liked tricks?" Thor laughed.

"Of course." Loki conceded with a slight nod, his smile cool. "But you may want to take your tutorage in Midgardian tradition from Jane in the future, rather than Darcy."

Thor frowned. "I don't understand.."

"That's precisely my point." Loki replied drolly. "Valentines and April Fools are two entirely different occasions. As Darcy was well aware, and you my brother, were not." He held the intern's gaze until she could no longer bear the scrutiny. Then, smiling with satisfaction at the growing discomfort in the room, he added, "But bear in mind, you three may have outplayed me this time, but I will own you on April 1st."

"Hey, come on!" Darcy pipped. "God of Mischief and all... I totally thought you'd appreciate the prank!"

"Well I wasn't in on this at all." Jane insisted. "I just thought it was a box of chocolates."

"I will bear the brunt of your revenge." Thor's smile was easy. "It will be reminiscent to the days of our youth, will it not?"

"Oh yes," Loki smiled, wondering how many Tumblr followers he'd gain from a few good shots of Thor in a bridal dress. "Best you start preparing your vows now, brother dear..."

The End.

PS: The title? Random.