***STEPHENIE MEYER OWNS TWILIGHT***

A/N: Here we go again with our new collaboration. This one won't be as long as I Always Do and Weight For Me, but we hope you will enjoy it just as much. Special thanks to our amazing banner maker, Marie Carro. Also, thanks to DataByteDL-Fangirlin Granma for the plot bunny for this one! Without further adieu, we proudly present Cluelessward and Shyella.

EPOV

"Come on Edward. PLEASE? I don't have anywhere else to store this. It's only three months." My little sister was really laying it on thick. She was going to France for three months for some kind of fashion internship and was currently begging me to store her stuff at my new townhouse. Her stuff included a 2014 Pepto Bismol pink convertible Volkswagen Beetle. The fucking license plate said PRINCESS. No. Just No.

"Alice, I cannot have that monstrosity you call a vehicle sitting in front of my townhouse."

"Edward, you're my favorite brother. That townhouse is huge. You won't even know my stuff is there." Ugh. She wasn't going to give up until I said yes. Damn she was spoiled rotten. I blame that on my father. He has always given Alice anything and everything. Dammit.

"I already regret this. Fine. I'll keep your stuff for you, but the second you get home from France you are coming to get it." She squealed in a very Alice way and lunged at me.

Two weeks later I was watching the movers load my life's possessions onto the truck to be taken over to my new home. After they left and I was about to head over in my car, the damn thing wouldn't start. Dad came out when I was looking under the hood to see what the problem was.

"I don't know Dad, the damn thing won't start. I so don't need this today."

"Son, it's not the end of the world. Just drive Alice's car."

"Dad. Have you SEEN Alice's car?"

"Of course Edward. I bought it."

"There is no way in hell I am going to drive that pink nightmare. Can't I drive the Mercedes?" I wasn't above begging, and I may have whined like a petulant child. But seriously, it was PINK. Really pink.

"No, your mother is going to be driving the Mercedes while I take her SUV to the medical conference. I need a larger vehicle because a couple of the other doctors are riding with me."

"Why can't Mom take Alice's car?" I was not driving that car.

"Your mother has several appointments lined up and she needs the trunk space on the Mercedes. Geez Edward, don't tell me you aren't secure enough in your masculinity to drive a pink car." Have I mentioned that I hate my father? And I'm still not driving that car.

When I arrived at my new home via Pink Hell, I was just about to get out when I saw her. She was walking up to the townhomes with a tall blonde and when she looked back to say something I nearly lost my breath. I think living here might be better than I ever dreamed.

Quickly gathering my bags I walked up to my townhome and noticed that I was right next door to a computer nerd's wet dream. Triple points! I wonder if she is nerd-friendly? I would most certainly let HER use MY sonic-screwdriver.

I chuckled at my own silliness as I entered my townhome and began to unpack my computer equipment while I waited for the moving truck to get unloaded all the way. Several hours later I had a home full of boxes and I was starving. I was just about to grab the keys to Pink Hell when I heard a knock on the door.

When I opened the door, I was greeted by my mother and father and Cupcake. Yeah. Fucking Cupcake. When I agreed to keep Alice's stuff at my place, that STUFF also included her six month old, AKC registered Miniature Doberman Pinscher named Strawberry Cupcake Cullen. I wish I was kidding. Cupcake was Alice's fur baby and another gift from our father. The damn dog was spoiled rotten. Alice always had her dressed in some kind of frilly pink shit with bows in her hair and everything. Poor dog.

"Hey Mom, Dad. What are you doing here?" I tried to play dumb.

"Well Edward, you said you'd be back by to pick up Cupcake later today. It's later." My mom said as she handed me the dog.

"I was just on my way out to grab something to eat. Can't I pick her up tomorrow?"

"No son, your mother and I have plans for the night. I'm leaving in the morning for a couple weeks. We're going out to dinner." The wiggle of his eyebrows told me I didn't want to know anything further.

"Ugh, fine. I'll just eat some toast."

"Remember dear, Alice has trained Cupcake using very special methods. If you want her to go potty or poo poo outside, you MUST talk to her like a baby. Isn't that right Nana's little girl? Hers a good baby girl. Yes her is." Was she serious with this shit? There was no way in hell that I was talking to this fucking dog in baby talk. I'm a twenty five year old man. I will not do it. If the dog doesn't shit or piss, oh fucking well.

Fuck my life. It is three in the goddamned morning and here I am, outside my townhouse, holding a hot pink leash attached to the world's most pampered pooch. The little bitch won't piss and I have already cleaned up shit twice and tried to dry up six different piss stains. I am not going to talk to the dog as if she were a real baby. No fucking way.

"Come on dog. Piss already. Some of us have to go to work in the morning." I realized I was speaking a little louder than I should have been for the insane hour when I saw the blinds in the window where Computer Nerd's Wet Dream lived open a bit and close quickly. Great. Surely she'll think I'm a pervert standing outside her window at this hour. Fuck this. Maybe I could try the baby talk. Dear God please don't let anyone hear me.

"Cupcake, come on Sweetie. You need to pee pee for Uncky Edward. Come on baby girl. Gimme some pee pee." Ugh. I was going to have to turn in my man card. "Be a good girl for me and poo poo too honeybunnybear." I nearly screamed out loud when the little shit squatted in the grass and pissed a river. She walked around a couple steps and looked up at me. "You got some more Cutsie Ootsie? Come on baby." She took a few more steps and dropped a turd the size of Canada. Well fuck me. It works.

Once Cupcake and I settled into our routine I actually started to like the little shit. She was so sweet and hardly ever barked. I hated to admit it, but Alice had really trained her well. It had been about a week since I moved in and my fucking car still wasn't fixed. I had been driving back and forth to my job at S.A.L. Productions all week. The guys in my department had been giving me pure shit for driving a pink car with a PRINCESS license plate. Yeah, well fuck them. They were just jealous because I had a better position in the company than they did. I was the Senior Developer in the Action Gaming Department. Basically, I designed and developed the war type games; blood, guts, killing, all that good shit. My job rocked.

Friday afternoon I was parking Pink Hell when I noticed CNWD laying out by the pool. Holy shit, she was wearing a string bikini and looked as good as Captain Price when he killed Makarov in MWIII. I tried to calm my traitorous body before I got out of the car. The last thing I needed was for her to see me sporting a huge boner.

Taking a deep breath, I grabbed my messenger bag and got out. Holy fuck. Is she coming toward me? Fuck me upside down. That bikini barely covers her hoo-hah. Do not look at her hoo-hah. Aww dammit. I looked at her hoo-hah. I bet it's bare. And smooth. And when she gets wet, I bet…

"Hi, um…you live next door to me right?" She was standing in front of me and her mouth was moving. Mmm, I bet it would look amazing moving around my cock. Wait. Why does she look pissed? Because idiot, you haven't done anything but stare at her.

"Oh, sure. I mean yes. Shit. Excuse my lack of the ability to speak English. I'm Edward. Cullen. Edward Cullen. That's me. Nice to meet you." I held out my hand like the dork I am. She blushed a soft shade of red and held out her tiny hand.

"Hi Edward. I'm Bella Swan. Um, listen, I don't mean to sound like a bitchy neighbor, but I work from home and your dog barks constantly, all day long. It's been difficult to get any work done."

"Really? She barks? Seriously? She's so quiet all the time. I was beginning to wonder if there was something wrong with her."

"Yeah, like all the time. Non-stop. I normally wouldn't say anything but I really have a lot of work due in the next couple weeks and I need to concentrate. I'm sorry. God, I sound like such a bitch."

"Bella, don't worry about it. I'll do what I can. Cupcake won't be a problem for you any longer. I promise."

"Cupcake? Her name is Cupcake?" Before I could reply to her question, my eyes were drawn to her bikini top. It had fallen a bit and peeking out of the very top was her very pink, very erect little nipple. I felt my slacks tighten immediately and I needed to get the hell away from Bella Swan before I grabbed her and fucked her. Hard. Like my dick. In my pants. Right now.

"Uh huh. Yeah. I gotta go. Bye Bella." I took off like my ass was on fire. As soon as I was safely inside, I stripped off my clothes and headed for the shower where I found myself stroking my steel cock to visions of a pink nipple inside a white bikini top.

I avoided Bella for the next couple of weeks. I hoped she hadn't noticed my boner from hell or that I had been mesmerized by her beautiful nipple. That fucking nipple managed to haunt my dreams nightly. My cock was getting a tremendous workout lately.

Today was Saturday and I was going to relax by the pool after I did some pruning to the fucking roses my mother planted when I moved in. She threatened me with my life and said if they didn't look just as beautiful each time she came over as they had when she planted them I would be in big trouble. Esme Cullen was not one to be messed with. I shuddered just thinking about it. I took Cupcake outside to piss first and once she was done, I put her in her kennel so I could work outside for a bit. I couldn't find my Mariner's hat and I was not going to work in the sun without something on my head. It was too fucking hot. Glancing around, I noticed a straw type hat in the corner where Alice's boxes were stored. Not caring what it looked like, I grabbed it and threw it on my head as I walked outside. My mom had accidentally taken my black gloves with her when she left last time and left her very pink, very flowery ones here. I figured what the hell. I was already driving a pink car, why not do the gardening with pink gloves. My family hated me. I was certain of it.

As I was bending over and digging in the dirt, I felt a pair of large hands grab my hips and pull me back against a hard body. Fucking Emmett.

"Edwina! How's it hangin'?" I spun around so fast that a very unmanly squeal lurched from my chest at the same exact time I saw Bella's window blinds open.

"Fuck you man! Don't ever do that to me again. Like I fucking want your dick anywhere near me." I tried to punch him in the chest, but he moved quickly so I ended up stumbling into his chest. He caught me and we ended up in an embrace.

"What the fuck are you wearing Edward?" He whipped off the hat I was wearing and that's when I noticed the hot pink flower on the side. Fuck. I hadn't seen that before.

"It was hot and I couldn't find my Mariner's hat." I shrugged.

"Dude. You have to know how this looks. You are driving THAT car, wearing THIS hat, and THOSE gloves. You look sweet Edward. You look like you have a little sugar in your tank."

"Shut the fuck up dude. Come on. I could use a damn beer." He followed me inside, laughing like an idiot all the way.

We shared a couple beers and as we were about to open up our third, when my phone rang. Alice.

"Hey Pix. What's up? How's Paris?"

"Oh Edward, I love it. How is Cupcake? Does she miss her Mommy?"

"She's fine Alice. Your stuff is fine, your dog is fine, and your Pepto Bismol Pink piece of shit car is fine." I was feeling a bit buzzed.

"Edward, my car is Cotton Candy Pink. And it's not a piece of shit. It's a fine piece of German machinery."

"Did you want something Alice? Emmett and I are getting drunk."

"I just wanted to check in and see how things were. Geez, I'll let you go, Grumpy." Before I could reply, she hung up. Yeah, I was rude but fuck her. At this point, I didn't care. I just wanted another beer. And to get laid. By Bella Swan. Repeatedly.

Em stayed for the next few hours while I continued to drink myself into a stupor. He stopped after three because he had an early practice tomorrow morning. My brother was a Seattle Mariner. He was awesome too. Except when he tried to ass bump me while I wore a floppy hat with a hot pink flower on it and pink gardening gloves. Fuck. Thank God CNWD didn't see that. At least, I don't think she did.

"Yo Princess Edwina, I'm outta here man. Take care yo."

"Peace my brutha from the same mutha." I raised my hand to fist bump him but missed and inadvertently junk punched him. I couldn't hold in the snort of laughter that flew out of me just as he opened the door to leave. My eyes went wide when I noticed the tall blonde beauty that lived next door with CNWD standing at my front door.

"God dammit Edwina! You just had to get your hands on my junk? Shit! That's a tender place down there man. Fuck!" The giggle that came from behind him caused him to spin around all the while still cupping his dick in hand. "Ladies, hello. I'm Emmett Cullen." The dumb ass held out his hand and when Blondie took it, he pulled her roughly to him and planted a large kiss right on her fucking mouth. Bella stood there, eyes wide looking between them and me. Because I'm a total dork and completely drunk, I chose that precise moment to speak.

"Excuse him ladies. He's horny all the time. Nothing satisfies him. Nothing I can do about it." I shrugged.

You know the uncomfortable silence that usually follows a very inappropriate conversation? Some people liken it to hearing crickets in an open field. Yeah. That's what happened as soon as I spoke. Em and Blondie stopped kissing. Bella stared at me like I had three nipples, and even Cupcake, who had been sitting on my lap while I tried to tie one of Alice's stupid bows in her hair, got up and went to her kennel. Yeah. I felt like now was a good time to go throw up. So I did.

Over the next month, Emmett and Blondie, um, Rosalie, began seeing a lot of each other. Apparently when Em kissed her that first time, she fell in love. Because they were seeing each other, Bella and I got to spend a lot of time together as well. I absolutely loved being friends with Bella. She was fun and energetic and I loved her laugh. I was also totally, one hundred percent in love with her. The only problem was she didn't seem to want anything romantic with me. It was like we were best friends. She would ask my opinion on clothes, shoes, and girl stuff. I was fucking confused. Did I look like a girl? True, my car was beyond salvageable so I had ordered a new Volvo SUV. Some of the options I wanted were taking a bit to get installed so I was STILL driving Pink Hell. But things with Bella hadn't progressed how I wanted them to. Not even going to lie, it depressed the fuck out of me.

On the upside, we got a new neighbor. Jasper Whitlock had moved in on the other side of me. He was Probate Attorney that worked from home most days and he was totally cool. He played in a band called Southern Comfort on the weekends and had invited Em and I along with the girls to come watch the show tonight. He complained about Cupcake barking all day long, just like Bella did. I think they are both nuts because she barely barks, but whatever.

I had just stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around my waist when I heard Bella come into my townhouse. She often came right in and I did the same to her.

"Edward? Where are you Hotcakes?" Dammit I loved it when she called me that. Grabbing another towel and running it through my hair, I stepped out of my bedroom. Bella was bending over the coffee table looking at something.

"Hey Sweetcheeks. I was in the shower." She turned around and gasped when she saw me, the air leaving her lungs in a whoosh. I know I saw her eye me up and down and I could have sworn I heard her mumble something sounding like 'what a fucking waste'. The fuck?

"Oh. Um…..yeah, I…um….I see that. Sorry. I really shouldn't just barge in here." I wondered why she was so nervous. Glancing behind her I noticed what she was looking at on the coffee table. Walking over very quickly, I grabbed up the laundry basket I had left sitting there. Somehow, one of Alice's fucking RED THONGS had ended up in my laundry and I washed it with all my WHITE socks and shirts. They were now pink.

"Let me put this shit away and get dressed. Make yourself at home." I slammed my bedroom door and tossed the pink laundry on my bed. Before I could even get dressed, I heard Bella at my door.

"Edward, I'm just gonna head back to my place and get dressed there. Come on over when you get ready. Maybe you can give me some ideas on what I should do with my hair." Her hair? How the fuck would I know what she should do with her hair? I certainly know what I'D like to do with her hair. I'd wrap that shit around my wrist and tug on it while I pounded that sweet pussy from behind.

Somehow, I got the sickening feeling that I was missing something very important. What I did know though, was that Bella Swan wanted nothing romantic to do with me and THAT broke my heart.

A/N: So…..I hope you got the giggles from this first chapter! I know I did while writing it! This Collaboration won't be nearly as long as our others. It will only be a few chapters, not exactly sure how many, but we hope you'll enjoy it! So….who thinks Edward is clueless? **snicker**