Iggy leaned over Larry's bed, staring closely at his face. Larry was deep in REM sleep, his body utterly paralyzed, but a low and distant whining resonated in his throat, a clear indication that he was currently in the throes of a very distressing nightmare.

Curious, Iggy poked Larry. He didn't budge. He put his fingers over Larry's eyelids and pulled them apart.

"Iggy, keep your hands off the victim!"

"Bu-bu-but I just wanted to see what his eyes look like when they're doing the rapid eye movement thing… geez how long until he wakes up? What if he wakes up before you're finished with the dream?"

"He won't. Trust me. I've been studying neuroscience since before you were hatched, and I'm seeing to it that he remembers every bit of this dream after he wakes up, and even suffers flashbacks and déjà vu after he has awakened."

"Good, good, greeheeheeheehee. But golly, are you taking a long time with this nightmare of his… you've gotten to play with him for like four times as long as I got to! That's really UNFAIR come to think of it!"

"You're absolutely right. As a matter of fact, it has presently occurred to me that it would be most ideal for YOU to operate the next and very final phase of this nightmare."

"R-really? Oh boy! Soooo, what exactly were you planning for the finale hrrmmm?"

Ludwig gazed shiftily around the room, as though paranoid, and proceeded to whisper in Iggy's ear.

"Oh… mmhmm… ah, yes… oh that's good… great ideas Luddi-sama! I-I just have a feeeeew suggestions I'd like to run by you…"

Iggy began to whisper in Ludwig's ear.

"Yes… very good… AH!... excellent." Ludwig nodded in approval at every one of Iggy's ideas.

Iggy took the helmet, but just then he realized that his stomach was growling.

"Dangit I'm hungry for something solid… something chewy, and red and sugary OOH!" Iggy took a bag of Swedish Fish out of his shell. "Forgot about these! I was at Francis-sama's place yesterday, you see, and he told me to put them away, he said they might trigger his buddy Bjarne-"

"Oh, one of your dungeon buddies is a fish?"

"Um, no, he's Swedish." Iggy ripped open the package and ate a huge mouthful that stained his lips red and made him look like he was wearing badly applied cheap lipstick.

"Zero grams of trans fat huh?" Iggy read the package with his mouth full. "Talk about transphobic!"

After one mouthful, Iggy decided that he was full and he wrapped up the bag and closed it with a clip and shoved it into his shell to finish later. He lifted the helmet to put it on, but then hesitated.

"Urrrmm, Ludwig?"

"What?"

"Y-you know what's even uglier than Minecraft?"

Ludwig sighed in annoyance. "WHAT?"

"LEGO PEOPLE!"

"Don't make me change my mind and take the helmet back."

…

"WHAT?! WHY AM I IN THE NUTHOUSE?! I'M NOT NUTS! Man I'd rather go back to juvey than be here-"

"SSsssshhh, schweigt stille, plaudert nicht, just watch," the spirit whispered.

Future Larry lay as though dead, but for a faint, wheezing breath and a tortured whine.

"KNOCK KNOCK! Muahahahaha It's time to check your BLOOD pressure!" shouted a shrill voice in a faux-Transylvanian accent on the other side of the bedroom door. Future Larry woke up screaming.

"AAAAAHHH! AAAAHHH!" He tried and failed to push himself up. He rolled over and saw that he was in a straitjacket. "AAAAHHH!"

"MuahahahaaHAA… SIKE!" The door burst open and it was Ludwig, with his hair styled up in the late Iggy's style and Iggy's old glasses on his face. "Well well well, look who flew over the cuckoo's nest!"

"AAAAHH! AAAAAAHH! AAAAAAAAHHHHH-"

"SHUSH!" "Iggy" put his claws on Larry's mouth. "I-I-I know, it's gotta be hard on you not to have a thumb handy to suck on…"

"Ludwig? What – where am I – what happened – what's going on?!"

"I AM NOT LUDWIG! I am Iggy! IGGY!"

"No, you're LUDWIG! I know the special voices in your head today might be telling you otherwise, but you're not Iggy. Iggy kicked the bucket like a year ago, remember?"

"GRRRrrr I AM IGGY I AM IGGY IAMIGGYIAMIGGYIAMIGGY!" "Iggy" jumped around flailing his arms, much the same way his late brother used to. Future Larry had to admit, the impersonation was spot-on. Although "Iggy"'s voice was unmistakeably Ludwig's, he spoke in a higher register than Ludwig spoke using his normal speaking voice, and his speech mannerisms were so similar to Iggy's that if he heard him speaking in another room, Larry would likely think it was actually Iggy for a moment or longer. His physical mannerisms were also as Iggy-like as could be managed with Ludwig's heavyset build in place of Iggy's lanky frame; the twitching, the tics, quite distinguishable from Ludwig's caffeine jitters.

Whoa, he... he actually thinks he's Iggy. Like for real. Future Larry rolled his eyes and decided that he had best play along.

"All right all right you're Iggy, sheesh, my mistake what was I thinking. The chemo must be making my brain... um what's the word I'm looking for... see? Exactly hehehe... ahem, but if you don't mind me asking, WHY AM I THE ONE IN THE STRAITJACKET AND NOT YOU?"

"Iggy" laughed a very Iggyish laugh. "Well that's a loooong story, so, how about we rewind and start at the veeerrry beginning? Remember last Christmas?"

"Eehhh, vaguely..."

"Vaguely. You vaguely recall how you tattled on me for opening my present early and RUINED MY LIFE! Christmas Day I got all the presents I asked for - greeheehee even the sack of chocolate milk! - except the Fighting Kings game, which King Dad said I couldn't have until New Year's!"

"And you couldn't wait a WEEK?"

"What if somebody asked YOU to go without flirting or picking up girls let alone kissing and you know the icky stuff for a WEEK?"

Future Larry winced at the thought. "Point well made."

"I COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! All the other nerds were making fun of me for not having that game! EVERYBODY was playing it! EVERYBODY! Francis-sama held a Fighting Kings tournament and I got my hiney whooped because I only got to play the game for a TEENSY little bit!"

"And THAT was reason enough to throw yourself out a window?!"

"You are also forgetting that thing you gave me as a Christmas present, since to get everybody off your back about not giving presents, you just picked the most random junk that you don't use anymore out of your pigsty bedroom to make half-hearted last minute gifts for everybody... and you just randomly gave me a half-empty bottle of paracetamol. Which just happens to come in handy to assist with topping oneself off should the whim strike but that was just a coincidence, wasn't it? I... I wasn't thinking straight at the time... my brain works screwy when I'm under distress, such as oh say FIGHTING KINGS WITHDRAWAL... I thought the pills were candy or something so I dumped them all in my mouth and I chewed and swallowed but they tasted NASTY! So I gobbled down all the chocolate bars that Morton gave me as a present to wash that flavor out and then... I-I don't remember why I jumped out that window, exactly... maybe I did it because somebody was calling poison control and I didn't want them to get me, and the window was the most feasible option for getting away from them..."

"And then... YOU DIED. Pretty dumb move, huh?"

"Died? Noooo, I didn't die, I just... left for a little while. But I came back, only this time I have taken up a shared residence, so to speak. Neeerheerheeeer..."

"Well, that explains why Lud took a whole new level in crazy," future Larry muttered. "He's always had a few screws loose, but he used to be at least sane enough to keep himself out of the nuthouse..."

"Actually, ol' Luddy buddy was very much distraught by my leaving, I think even more so than anybody... why, even right now; he's simply beside himself! Greeeheeheeheehee... he simply wouldn't, couldn't control his anger anymore. He showed up at Fort Francis for a Fighting Kings tournament, told them all I was sick, and then Francis tried to make Ludwig put away that bottle of cold-brew coffee with the picture of a chameleon on it because it 'triggered' him... aaand that was all it took. The MeowMaids had quiiiite the mess to clean up... Of course, you were always the first to call the bloody pigs on him whenever he threatened anybody's life, but in your defense it was usually yours. When he heard you bought shares of the Wissenblag corporation, well you would have been cold cuts on a smorgasbord if you hadn't gotten him detained. They gave him one more chance, he was able to keep his cool for quite a while, but when he found out that you bought the Corona Mountain Coffee Company and butchered their high standards, no more 'organic', no more 'fair trade'... well, that was the straw that broke the camel's back. And the key that locked him up for life." With that "Iggy" let out a hollow cackle with a frightening echo effect.

"Yeah yeah, blame it on me why don't you, that he blew a gasket over my business decision that I have every right to make."

"Hrrrmm, ah yes, you have been making all the right business decisions lately, haven't you? Quite the Fortune Street whiz kid, aren't you?"

"Heheh, only top on the list of Forbes' Bazillionaires under 20..."

"Ba-bazillionaires? Tell me, exactly how much is a bazillion? How do you write it in scientific notation - tha-that is, how many zeros after the one? Hrrmmm? Eh, never mind. Lemme hear a little bit more about your business decisions... what companies you have invested in, what marketing scams you've come up with, yadayadayada..."

"Um, well I'm making a killing off of Wissenblag dividends alone hahaha... but my first big investment was, you know that little game company that I made Larry Koopa: Zombie Heartbreaker with? It didn't sell so well the first year, but then next year I got my license and began go-karting, and after I rigged - ahem, won my first go-kart championship I became like a celebrity like for fifteen minutes and all of a sudden everybody and their mad uncle wanted my game, and so we made a sequel, and that's when the dough started rolling in, more and more dough for bigger and bigger investments... I bought out the Electrodrome, made it into Larry's Lights night club, where I am supposed to be deejaying tonight, aw shoot what time is it? All my peeps have gotta be worried wondering where I went... but I can't go anyway with my hair looking like... how does my hair look? Huh? Be honest..."

"Iggy"'s face burst out in snickers. "Like a Troll doll with scabies! GAHAHAH!"

Larry let out an anguished sob, then cleared his throat to repress further bawling. "Anyway Morton turned out to be selling chocolate bars to raise money for Wissenblag, but he suddenly changed his tune about them and gave away all their chocolates for free - and wound up in the clink for it. I figured, hey, those guys have gotta be a pretty sound investment. But I couldn't have Morton running around blowing the whistle on them all over the place, and he wasn't gonna be in juvey forever. I was also gonna get in big trouble if they found evidence that I may have assisted in your death. So, I tampered with the evidence to make it look like Morton's chocolate bars poisoned you and made you go psycho and, well, heheheh, I squashed two Paragoombas with one stomp there, hey?"

"Iggy"'s face contorted into the sardonic grin of an electroshock victim. "And later you bought shares of WarioWare, which everybody knows is as greedy and cruel to their employees as that other company that begins with a 'W', you know the one in the real world?"

"Dude, Wario's my idol. He's making bank, so he's got to be doing something right!"

"And since Wario-san just happened to own a few trans-fatty acid production plants that he didn't know what to do with after the organic health food craze kicked in and sales for his notoriously unhealthy Wario Snax started to tank, you came up with this really clever sales pitch: 'Don't be transphobic - eat Wario Snax now with extra Trans Fats!' Hrrrrmm, marketing that targets and exploits an oppressed minority group, that's a new low, even for you."

"Pretty genius, eh?" Future Larry's laughing came out in sheepish whimpers.

"UPUPUP! I, and only I among the denizens of this loony bin, have the IQ anywhere near high enough - greeheeheee by twice over! - to be even thinking of using the word 'genius'. You, maybe if you work hard and are lucky you are at best a 'visionary'. Anyway where was I... aaaaah, yes, go on, tell us more of your big success story."

"Well, oh yeah, I saw this big poster at school for this science fair offering a humongous load of prize money, and you know I never even bothered entering before because you and Ludwig always won that thing, well just you after Ludwig went to uni, but then I realized, with you out of the way, I actually stood a chance at winning that prize money. That is, if I do as Cheatsy does best - cheat. It was foolproof - I raided your stash of top-secret brilliant science ideas and entered one of them, and nobody could prove that it wasn't mine, since you of course were gone, and before I knew it I had more billionaires than women throwing themselves at me, with prize purses and sponsorships and well I did the smart thing with the money - invested in Wissenblag. But first I bought myself an entire Foot Locker hehehehehe...hey, are you listening?"

"Iggy" was laughing like a maniac; loud and shrill and spastic, it made one wonder if he would not asphyxiate from not being able to stop laughing long enough to catch a breath. Future Larry felt a quiver of dread, knowing that whenever Iggy finds something THIS funny, chances are that nobody else does...

"AHAHAahaha... aaaahhh, yes, I see. So you raided my secret stash, of course by that you mean the big black safe in the dungeon next to my computer on MY side of the lab, isn't that right?"

"Yep."

"Cracked the code, with your ace lockpicking skills?"

"Yeah, it wasn't nearly as hard to break into as I thought, but I guess it didn't really need to be since it had been guarded by mutant Piranha plants and a ginormous Chain Chomp that would have eaten me alive if they weren't dead from you not being alive to feed and water them in a while..."

"Aaaah, yes, so you broke into my safe where I keep all of the records of my top-secret FAILED inventions and science projects."

"Eh? Failed? What the... but..."

"Mmmhmm. You didn't think I would keep my GOOD ideas in there, did you? No sirree, not since I got a photographic memory, no place to store 'em like up in the ol' noggin!" "Iggy" tapped "his" head, smirking.

"Bu-bu-bu-bu-but... I-I-I mean, if that project of yours was a flop, it was still good enough to win first place and a bunch of other awards at the science fair!"

"Thank you, no need to tell me, even my failures are more brilliant than most people's successes." "Iggy" beamed, patting himself on the back. His Ludwig face bore Iggy's brand of pride; gleeful and childlike, not at all like Ludwig's smug sense of self-satisfaction. "By the way, would you care to tell exactly which scrapped project of mine you picked to purloin a plethora of pernicious profits from?"

"I dunno... it was some kind of cancer project... I...I-I picked it because I know how the judges will eat up any kind of project that's... cancer related..."

"AHA! Now, I'm gonna let you in on some top-secret info that even Luddi-sama is not privy to... about that project you picked. That was a cancer test strip I invented. My intention was for it to test any kind of cancer using just a drop of your blood or other liquid from your body, and change color depending on what kind of cancer you have. It's now being used at doctor's offices everywhere, because you used your money and influence to rush it to the market without even completing clinical trials. Alas, if you had only read and properly digested the contents of the paper, see; it was scrapped for a reason... The sensitivity of the test for all cancers is over 99 percent, that is to say, if you have cancer, more than 99 times out of a hundred it will tell you. However, the specificity is a mere 10 percent, give or take half a percent. What that means is, if the test tells you you have cancer, nine out of ten times it's a false alarm."

Future Larry felt chills and color draining out of his face while "Iggy" explained the project to him. "So you're telling me..."

"Iggy" nodded.

"You're telling me that I DON'T HAVE CANCER? That King Dad dragged me to the hospital where I was force fed POISON, and now I'm losing my HAIR, and then they put me in juvey and my gold fangs got knocked out, and now I'm in a STRAITJACKET at the INSANE ASYLUM all for NOTHING?"

"M-more than likely... given your age, that you haven't even hit puberty long enough ago to have had long enough KPV exposure to develop a Koopapapillocarcinoma, I'd say the odds are even less than ten percent that you have anything serious. Maybe nonserious precursor stuff, but nothing worth poisoning you over. Same thing with Roy; I TOLD him not to listen to the doctor, but that time that I warned everybody not to get a flu shot because it's contaminated with live Goombola virus gives me a zero for credibility in his eyes. But either way, well, it kinda serves you right. You invested in a lot of evil stuff that caused lots of pain and suffering for others, virtually destroying your own family, and would you look at that? It's backfired. Aaaand that's why you're in the straitjacket now, Larry-kun. You brought it all on yourself."

Future Larry screamed in rage, rage that melted away into tears. "I'm sorry, IggyLudwig... whoever you are... both of you... I didn't know this was going to happen... just... just let me make it up to you. Help me get out of here, it shouldn't be hard. Tell King Dad that I stole your project and the cancer diagnosis isn't legit and once I'm outta here I'll bail you out of this place. Look out there, there's a free payphone, go on, tell him!"

"Ohhhh, I have every intention of letting you make it up to me... but I have a better idea. That straitjacket you're wearing... is no ordinary straitjacket."

Future Larry yelped as he felt the sleeves of the straitjacket stiffen and tighten like a sphygmomanometer around his limbs. His entire body flattened out and became stiff as a board. The stiffening propped him up onto his feet, and, too stiff to keep his balance, he tumbled off the bed.

"AAAAHHH! WHAT-what kind of hex did you put on this thing?!" The straitjacket loosened and then forced him to leap up onto his feet. He saw "Iggy" bring his arm out from behind his back to pull what looked like a Wii remote out of his shell. Or more likely hammer space; if he had anything in his shell, the ward employees would have confiscated it.

"It's a little thing Luddi and I invented. Behold, the Zugzwangsjacke! Ehm, Ludwig-senpai was the one who named it. As far as I gather it just means forced movement jacket or something like that, but Luddi thinks it's an awfully clever name for some reason. Anyway, while you're wearing it, I can play you like a video game!"

"Iggy" raised the controller while mashing a button on it to make future Larry jump. Giggling, he shook the controller to make future Larry fall on the floor and shake like he was having a seizure. He then made future Larry stand up in first position, plie, pirouette, tiptoe en pointe, perform a grand jete and land in arabesque.

"Da da da dadada DA DA DA DAdaDA" "Iggy" sang in the Can-Can tune, while making future Larry do the can-can.

"AAAaaaAAAaaaAAAaaaAAAaaaSTOP! STOP!" Future Larry's plea was answered with a loosening of the straitjacket that left him collapsed on the floor.

"Sorry, blame that on Ludwig, he did put an awful lot of ballet buttons on this thingie... but it can make you do waaaaay more than that. See, with this baby, you can make it up to me for telling on me and having my Fighting Kings confiscated. Not only can I make you have a great fall like Humpty Dumpty, but I can make you go GIDDYUP just like all the Kings' horses!"

Future Larry was made to buck like a horse and gallop about, but he fell flat on his face, because his front limbs were not free to enable him to gallop like a horse.

"Mmmkay, small problem there, but I can still make you fight and hack up stuff with a sword just like all the Kings' men!"

Future Larry felt his upper body being jerked around as the strapped sleeves of the Zugzwangsjacke struggled to pull free and wave around as though wielding a sword; instead, he was forced to thrash his head around like a headbanger, waving what was left of his hair around like a sword, sprinkling loose blue strands around the bedroom until he fell on his face again.

"Ooohhhkaaayyy, so mayhaps there be a few bugs to work out.."

"Yeah, like maybe the strapped down ARMS?"

"Geeheeheee buuuuut, could you possibly think of a better way to repent for that cruel deed you've done to me? You get to stay here, with me, and play Fighting Kings with me, every day, 24/7, as much as I want, for as long as I want, whenever I please. What could possibly be a schweeter deal than that? Stay here with me, and play here with me. You and me, be playmates. FOREVER."

"Iggy" said it with the carefree, innocent tone of a kindergartener saying it to a new friend on the playground. Future Larry's eyes widened as he allowed that bit to sink in.

Forever...

"Wh...wh-why, you self-centered lunatic!"

"Ohohohohoooiii, look who's talking!"

"Yeah, hehe, exactly. Come to think of it, I am responsible for Ludwig being put here in the nuthouse, Roy being poisoned half to death, Wendy having a baby and getting dumped by her boyfriend, Morton getting thrown in the slammer, and Lemmy being, well, dead, but all you care about is that I tattled on you and got your stupid video game taken away!"

"Ohhhhhh? So NOW he has his priorities straight? He finally understands what REALLY matters, does he now? You're... you're wrong about one of those by the way... you are not responsible for Lemmy-chan's death. You may have pulled the plug, but that doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things; his goose was cooked, or shall I say flash-frozen when he fell in the icy water at Sherbet Land last April and nearly drowned and went brain-dead, and that has nothing to do with anything you did."

"Ehehe about that... see, I told Lemmy the Freezie tasted like real sherbet and I dared him to go lick it, and his tongue got stuck to it and it was real funny to watch but then the Freezie dragged him off the edge of the ice and he got dunked in the water... "

"Iggy" froze, all except for his face. It twitched at parts. His head was cocked to the side, his serpent's tongue lolling out, his eyes held in a glassy gaze behind swirls of gloss reflecting from his glasses lenses, one pupil a tiny black pinprick, the other huge, like a pupil under the effect of belladonna. He twitched randomly; at the eyes, mouth, fingers, as though hooked to electrodes that were administering an electric seizure...

"Ehhh... A-are you all right bro?" Future Larry asked; meekly, knowing his concern would be written off as insincere.

"Iggy" snapped out of it. "Ohhhh I'm fine, just fine. Positively PEACHY, thanks for asking. As a matter of fact, Iiii just changed my mind and came up with an even BETTER idea, mrrrhrrrhrrrhrrrrmwahahahahaaa, I'd reckon it's not even a stretch to say the BEST IDEA EVER... urrm, an idea on how to make you PAY. You won't be needing THIS anymore."

"Iggy" whipped out the remote gain and pressed a button that caused the Zugzwangsjacke to unbuckle and open up and toss future Larry out like luggage out of the trunk of an enchanted car in a modern fantasy movie. It then walked over to "Iggy", who embraced it with the style and manner of an aristocrat being fitted for a fashionable dinner jacket, even as it bound his arms together like a Chinese finger trap and wound its straps tight under his crotch to fasten at the back around his shell.

Future Larry flexed his claws and stretched his arms; nevertheless, he was hardly relieved to be freed from that thing. Iggy's schemes never made sense at first glance, but they always worked out, in indirect and incredibly convoluted ways that nobody, often not even Ludwig had been able to foresee. That was what made them so especially terrifying.

"Teeheeheeheehee, it's only appropriate, after all, that I make you pay in the exact same way that you made me SUFFER - by telling on King Dad."

Future Larry's jaw dropped. "You... you're kidding. We're locked up in what's virtually a jail for psychos, which is worse than the worst kind of parental punishment - like being grounded a bazillion times over, and you're gonna get your revenge by telling on King Dad." Future Larry scoffed, albeit not without a lingering hint of sheepishness.

"Mmyep." "Iggy" ran out to the free payphone in the common room. Future Larry followed and watched as "Iggy" pressed his face against the phone, rolling his tongue all over it until it got tipped off the hook. He then dialed Bowser's phone number with his remarkably adroit tongue and put his face down to the dangling receiver.

"GWAAAAAH WHY? ALWAYS WHEN CHARLEYYY AND FRIENDS IS ON! WHO IS IT?" Future Larry could hear Bowser's voice; apparently there was only a speakerphone setting at this place.

"King Dad King Dad guess what guess what?"

"GRRRR make it quick, I'm in the middle of my favorite show here!"

"Larry's here in the happy house with me now King Dad! Can you guess why?"

"GWWWAAAAH! He's supposed to be in the hospital getting cancer treatment!"

"Weeeell it's a looooong story King Dad but here's what happened: he had to get chemo but he didn't want chemo so he went and played a little game of Hide and Go Seek with the doctor until he got cornered in Lemmy's room and he pulled the plug on Lemmy and then they sent him to jail"

"HE WHAAAAT?! HE MURDERED HIS OWN BROTHER!?"

"Relax King Dad, for the last time, Lem Lem was a vegetable. And then he got beat up at juvenile hall and he still wouldn't take his meds so they put him here in the happy house with meeeee since he obviously must be sick in the brain if he wants to die from cancer, even cancer that he likely doesn't have since those new cancer test strips have been shown to have over a 90 percent rate of false positives but that research got buried of course, not unlike the fellow who did it-"

"FALSE POSITIVES? ARE YOU SERIOUS YOU KOOK?"

"Luddy and I have been telling you, King Dad, but you neeeeever listen... but it's Larry's fault. He did it, yup, him and his deeeeeeep pockets! He's in bed with a lot of high-places type folks these days, yuuup, doing all kinds of icky stuff in the sack with 'em too-"

"GRRRAAAAHHH I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT! At least I know now where to send his Koopsmas gifts. Merry Koopsmas now leave me alone to watch the Charleyyy and Friends holiday special! GOODBYE!"

Bowser hung up and all that was heard was the noise of a beeping phone off the hook. 'Iggy' stared future Larry in the face with a sly, very Iggyish expression, as though he had gotten some serious vengeance, but Larry could only laugh.

"THAT'S what you call payback? Puh-lease. You did not even tell him the worse of what I have done! Your big plan has more holes than an MRI of your diseased brain!"

"Oh, you're finished, Larry. You are DONE. FOR." Future Larry missed the tone of deadly calm, so rare for Iggy that no sane person would mess with him when he used it, but the Larry that was watching quietly with the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come did not miss it.

"Love to stay and chat, can't," 'Iggy''s tone suddenly turned bright. "Got a game with Ludwig-senpai, and it's his turn. But you can watch. If you're lucky, and one of our pieces turns up missing, then YOU'LL get to play! But never fear, they always show up in the squishy room sooner or later." Giggling like an innocent, carefree little girl, 'Iggy' bounced off to the other side of the room where there were rows of residents standing still. He shook out his hair and tossed the glasses off and he was Ludwig again.

"I BEG YOUR PARDON?" Ludwig stood over the same frightened, quivering little Magikoopa as last time. "Mister-Oh-I-can't-step-on-the-black-spaces so I made you a white tile bishop so you wouldn't have to?"

"B-but I-I wanted to be a fairy..."

"Did I COMMAND you to move from your position? Did I now? Or did you simply declare yourself competent to fianchetto out of your own volition? You, Jerry. HEH. Competent to do your own thinking. HEH HEH. Really now."

"That's really not a bad move, you know," said the Beanish standing on the square that Jerry had been on last time. Larry recognized him as that one named Garbanzo from Fort Francis.

"Pipe down pea brain, I know what I'm doing! I'll have you know that I have more chess tournament trophies than your precious Francis used to have Pink Princess dolls. Which, come to think of it, HEH, is really saying a LOT. HEH. HEH HEH. WEH HEHEH WAHAHA. WAHOO! WOO HOO HOO!"

The Magikoopaling's face screwed up at the mention of "Francis".

"I-I-I m-m-m-miss F-Francis!"

"I miss Francis too," said Garbanzo. "I miss getting to play board games instead of having to BE a board game."

"GARBANZO... I have a sack of jelly beans in hammer space - really good ones too, got them while at a tournament in Norway, taste just like Jelly Bellies - and I'm not afraid to use it!"

Future Larry sniggered, both at the absurdity of being 'triggered' by candy - maybe he used Nestle Turtles to trigger and manipulate Jerry? Or maybe that off-brand Lucky Charms type cereal that comes in magicky/wizardy shapes? - and because it was an empty threat coming from someone in a straitjacket. The other Larry was similarly entertained, but somewhat distracted by the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come's distant muttering.

"See, Francis is a positive influence on our lives. A game day at Fort Francis is the highlight of our month, gives us troubled nerds something to look forward to, he's a great role model... without him, this is what would happen to some of those guys, they'd end up here or even worse, so whatever you think about him Luddi, don't you dare say that Francis-sama isn't a good person-"

"Eh, spirit? Who are you talking to?"

"Vat? Ach, oi it was just the voices in meinen Kopf. Sometimes I muss remind them zu schweigen stille und concentrate und remain on ihre side of DIE VIERTE WALL..."

Future Larry stood in front of the tightly locked entrance and watched the 'two' play for a while, entertained more by their banter with the 'pieces' than by the game itself, until the door swung open and he was knocked over.

"Larry Koopa!" shouted the voice of a Pianta nurse with a clipboard.

"Right here," said Ludwig, smiling wickedly, pointing at the blue shell quivering next to the doorhinge.

It was almost a fight after that, but future Larry backed down when the needles were brought out and he went quietly to the medical ward. When he was offered a pill to make him "feel better", knowing that he would be "persuaded" to take it one way or another, he pretended to play along and hid the yellow tablet under his tongue, planning to spit it out later, only to find out it had dissolved under his tongue by the time he got the chance.

Future Larry was so angry he could just bash his head into a wall, but he didn't have the energy. His mind felt like it was disintegrating just like the pill he was given, into a sloppy pile of sludge. His visual field also sloshed around like a pool of sludge, and his body was melting over the floor, bones feeling like clay...

Future Larry woke up in his room to the snapping of Velcro being tightened around his arm. He almost yelped in alarm, thinking he was being put back in a straitjacket, but it was just the Pianta nurse checking his blood pressure. It suddenly brought to mind all those times that Iggy had complained about being woken up 50 times a night to have his arm squeezed in a sphygmomanometer after coming home from his "vacation", as he called it, almost as if to kid himself about what had really went on.

That's what this is, I'm just on vacation, future Larry thought. "Nightmare" or "bad dream" would have jumped to mind first, but those thoughts were blocked from his mind, for a dreamer becomes lucid and awakens the moment they realize that they are in a dream. That's what I will tell all my peeps at the club and all my buds at the radio station.

His thoughts were mildly delirious under the weight of whatever he was on... had they given him chemo while he was out from the magical disappearing zombie drug tablet? Future Larry was certain that he had been given something - by suppository. He knew this because of something he had experienced during his first time in juvenile hall, an experience that he tried to forget.

But future Larry was so woozy that he was not sure if he would even know if he was on that other kind of poison. Forget it, if I lose all my hair I'll pretend I shaved it for some cause... think positive, Larry, you don't have cancer, all you gotta do is tough it out long enough to make a few more phone calls and you're home free. You're young, you're rich, you earned your first bazillion at sixteen for crying out loud, and you're one of the hottest up-and-coming DJs in the Tri-Kingdom area, it won't be long before you're big enough to be dating celebrity chicks like all the hottest DJs get to do.

"You've got modeling and movie deals in your future, for crying out loud, man, come on, don't give up now!" The Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come stared at Larry as he talked to his future self. "Ach, sprechen to him Selbst. And they call mich the verrückt one."

The dusk-darkened room became bright again as the door burst open. "You've received Christmas presents, Larry Koopa."

Future Larry sat up and rubbed the sludgy feeling out of his eyes. He felt mildly excited about receiving gifts, even though it was a meager pile compared to the crateloads he had back at Corona Mountain. Two small gifts on top of a largish one.

The two on top were wrapped in shiny blue and silver Hanukkah wrapping paper. Bowser did not know the difference between the different Real World December holidays, so dreidels and Star of David decorations and even candelabras that resembled menorahs became a part of the King's Koopsmas traditions. The one on top was addressed from King Dad, and future Larry opened that one first.

It was a framed photo of Bowser, Ludwig, Lemmy, Roy, Iggy, Wendy, Morton, and Larry all together. Future Larry recognized it at the Koopsmas family photo from the last Koopsmas that they spent all together, when everyone was happy, alive and healthy. Everyone in the photo was smiling, except for Larry, who was scowling and looking away from the camera.

Future Larry did not like this present. It made him feel... uncomfortable. How inconsiderate of King Dad, to give me a gift such as this! How dare he give me something just to make me feel miserable, by reminding me... of how miserable I was that year!

He threw it, and opened the next gift. It was from Kamek. Future Larry could already tell it was a picture frame.

And it certainly was. The picture in the frame was what looked like a two-year-old's crayon drawing, on paper that had seen better days. The eighties, for instance.

The subject of the crayon drawing appeared to be a woman with wild scribbly blue hair and a star on her cheek, holding some round thing with a star on it - a Coin perhaps? It appeared that she was handing it to a smaller figure that looked like a little boy, also with scribbly blue hair and a star on his cheek.

Future Larry did not know what to think of this. He figured he must have drawn it when he was a toddler, although he could not remember drawing it. This must be how I got my first Coin, future Larry thought. He did not remember how he got his first Coin, but he could not remember a time that he didn't have it.

Future Larry still had it, up in hammer space somewhere. He remembered how precious, shiny, and all his that it was; he remembered loving it more than anything. He remembered feeling sad for how lonely the Coin was, and going on treasure hunts to find all of the Coin's lost brothers and sisters and friends, promising it that he would reunite it with all of them someday; a quest that he had never quite abandoned, even now...

Future Larry began to feel uneasy about this gift as well. He was not sure why, and he did not even try to justify it to himself. He threw it at the wall, which it hit with a loud clatter, just as he did with the last one.

The final gift, wrapped in paper covered with images of rocking horses, was cube-shaped, and what it contained was anybody's guess. Curious as to who it was from, future Larry was almost more eager to open the card than the package itself. He ripped off the pale purple envelope, leaving a hole in the wrapping paper, and read the name of the person it was addressed from.

"Petulia"

Future Larry gaped. Talk about a ghost from his past. Her? Why, she's... she... hehe, well, well, well, look who wants me back now that I'm a bazillionaire.

Future Larry laughed as he opened the card, which also had a picture of a rocking horse on it. This should be a laugh. Does she seriously think I'm gonna take her back, now that I'm rich enough to land any chick in the Galaxy?

"Dear Larry,

Season's greetings, and congratulations on your new fame and fortune! I know that we did not end things on the best of terms on that day about two years ago, so I just want to let you know that it's all water under the bridge to me now and that there are no hard feelings.

I am very sorry about what happened. All I can say is that I didn't deserve you, and you didn't deserve me. I hope you are happy with whoever you're with now, and while I know that we can never be what we once were, I am telling you from the bottom of my heart that I am over you anyway.

So, to prove to you that there are no more hard feelings, I made this really neat gift just for you. I apologize for it taking so long; I intended to have it ready to give to you by last Christmas but instead it took me nearly two years to complete it. I am very proud of it, and I hope that something good comes of you being treated to this!

Sincerely,

Petulia"

Hahaha, talk about clingy and desperate! She totally still wants me, what kind of chick spends two years making a Christmas gift for a guy if she doesn't really want him! Future Larry peeled the ripped wrapping paper away and moved the flaps and found a little terracotta pot with a Nipper plant inside.

Hmm, a plant, should've figured she'd make me one of these. I wonder what genes she crossed it with. I should feed it right away so it doesn't starve to death like all my others. Future Larry checked the box, but there was no food or feeding instructions. He reread the card, and turned it over and just then noticed the P.S. she wrote on the back of the card:

"P.S. no need to provide additional food. You should make an excellent first meal for it."

Additional food... what does she mean?! She didn't even provide food for it to begin with! Make it an excellent first meal for it out of WHAT?!

Just then future Larry noticed there was a label on the pot that said "Boyfriend-Eating Plant".

Awww, how cute, I'll bet she's selling these to scorned women such as herself to give as gag presents to their ex-boyfriends. That's a really great idea, hehehe, why didn't I think of that?

Meanwhile, the shadow over future Larry's head was growing, as the plant grew before his very eyes. Future Larry turned his face up, and saw that his little Nipper had grown into a beast with the teeth of a Chain Chomp, jaws large enough to devour him with one swallow. But... it wouldn't REALLY do that... would it?

Future Larry backed up as the Piranha leaned in on him. "Hehehe... nice plant... zilla... you don't want to eat me, I-I-I taste like chemo, I-I-I-I'll make your leaves fall out!"

Future Larry hid inside his shell as the plant sniffed him. It seized the shell with one quick snap of its jaws and leaned back as it swallowed.

Future Larry stuck his limbs out, punching and kicking and clawing the whole way down, screaming while he still had air, trying to scramble upward while being swallowed down the stem.

"Get me... LET ME OUT! HEEELLLPPP!" Future Larry's voice became gargled, presumably from being drowned by digestive sap. He was too weak from the drugs to put up much fight, or he might have stood a chance.

The boyfriend-eating plant lay down, resembling a boa constrictor that had the visible lump of a rat it had just swallowed. The rat that the plant had swallowed ceased quickly to wriggle or make noise, and the lump disappeared while the plant took a nap.

"Eh... spirit?" Larry asked in a whimpering voice, as soon as the speechless shock of witnessing his future death had eased up. "This... this isn't REALLY going to happen to me, hehe, right? I mean, if I remember this..."

"Ach, but WILL you remember it? Now THAT ist sicherlich eine question for the ages. Ach, would Sie take einen Blick at the time! I vergessen to pick up my spare lab coats from the Putzerei!" The spirit took out a keychain and pressed a button from a device, causing it to shout "ROADHOG!" while a red light on it blinked and a DeLorean with an 80s-retro-futuristic-looking flux capacitor in the back teleported out of nowhere.

Larry ran to the car with him but the spirit stopped him. "Ach, es tut mir leid, but it only fits one person!"

"WHAT?! You can't leave me here!" Larry banged on the windshield but was wiped off quick by the windshield wipers.

"It is out of meinen hands, so, um, I wish you viel glück. Wiederschauen!" With that the DeLorean roared off through another dimension.

Hey, what am I worried about, it's not like I'm really here... it will all fade out in a moment... maybe when the next ghost arrives... oh wait, there were only supposed to be three, not counting that first one...

The plant woke up. It sniffed around the room for a second, and Larry watched, fascinated in spite of it all, until it turned toward him.

It can't really see me... or smell me... or eat me hehehe... it's just a coincidence that it's getting this close... and that I can feel its steaming breath...

The plant got right in Larry's face, opened its mouth and roared. It looked like the inside of the mouth of a T-Rex.

"RAAAAAHHHH!" the plant made a hissing roar, and Larry felt like he was being sucked in. He turned and ran, screaming, but he only felt himself being drawn deeper and deeper... the plant's breath becoming colder and colder...

It felt like a freezing wind tunnel, which twisted into a vortex that turned Larry's body around. He was no longer in the psych ward bedroom with the Plantzilla, but in the darkest depths of the Underwhere, being sucked in by the breath of a skeletal beast with six wings...

"BONECHILL! NOOOO... Have mercy on me... I-I-I don't wanna be a Skellobit! Pleeeeassse... I'm not THAT evil... PUHLEASE, ONE MORE CHANCE I BEG OF YOU... THEE... ANYBODY? QUEEN JAYDES? KING GRAMBI IN THE OVERTHERE ABOVE, I PRAYETH OF THEE, SAAAAVETH MEEEEEE! ETH?"

Larry's voice was drowned out by the roar of Bonechill's polar vortex. Lemmy was probably a happy Nimbi named Lembi fluttering about in the Overthere, Iggy was fooling around with Ludwig's body and would probably be a Shayde in a reasonably tolerable part of the Underwhere if he were made to leave Ludwig's body and go back, but Larry's soul would soon be swallowed up and reborn a nameless, faceless, ugly Skellobit to serve in Bonechill's dreary dungeon for all eternity.

Sorry for how long this chapter took; I was busy with school (remember I started this story and wrote most of it during winter break) and this chapter was, well, long.

By the way, thanks again to Treacle Parcheesi for letting me use Jerry, and congutti (formerly ladywig on deviantART) for letting me use Petulia. Also a happy (belated by TWO MONTHS) birthday to her... yes, that's how long I've been working on it, that I meant to get it out by her birthday two months ago.

Yes, I made up Garbanzo. No, I didn't make up Charleyyy. And everybody else is made up by people at Nintendo I guess so don't sue me.

And before anybody asks... the story is NOT over until I change the status from "In-Progress" to "Complete".