I swear this was fine last night when I posted it.

The first couple months Shiro is on the mission to Kerberos, Keith is fine. He's been alone for most of his life. He learned how to cope a long time ago. Even if he has grown used to a warm body in his bed at night and the quiet sounds of another person puttering around the shack during the day, it hasn't been so long that he can't sleep on his own or turn up the radio to drown out the silence. He could deal with this, and unlike all those times before, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Shiro's coming home in a year. He doesn't have an unknown future, he must chart alone. He has a date marked on his calendar in bright red ink. Where someone is coming back for him, and they are going to resume their life together.

Until then, he's okay. He goes to classes and trains his hardest. If he keeps his top ranking, the next deep space mission he's going with Shiro instead of staying behind. The Garrison likes to send either a set of relatives like the Holts or a couple like Shiro and himself for emotional stability on long missions. As long as both people are qualified they much prefer to have people they know can get along in cooped up spaces.

He even keeps his promise to Shiro not to become a hermit in his absence. He interacts with his fellow cadets beyond the bare amount necessary to get through classes, and tries to even learn a few of their names. It's difficult, especially with how aggressively annoying some of the other cadets can be, but he does it.

He won't fall apart just because his boyfriend is gone. He's lived on his own before and he can do it again. It's only a year after all.

—

Keith's world falls apart on a Monday. He isn't family, they were only dating after all, so no officer shows up at Keith's door to break the news in private. They let him find out just like every other cadet, when the Garrison's Command press conference plays over the TV.

Pilot Error.

Keith doesn't cry, he doesn't scream, he doesn't argue with the droning voice dragging Shiro's reputation through the mud. He just stares and listens. He catalogs everything, but he feels…nothing. Then between one blink and the next, it's over. The news moves on to talking heads, and he remembers he needs to go to class.

There is white noise in his head as he stands up. He briefly wonders if there is something wrong with him, but the thought blurs into the background almost as soon as it surfaces. His mind tunnels down to single thoughts, single things he needs to do, like his body is a robot and he's giving it simple step by step instructions. Dismissing anything not immediately relevant. No feelings, go to class, no mourning, pick up groceries, no thoughts, turn in assignments.

His first class is in the simulators. The instructor knew Shiro. He tells Keith he doesn't need to be here today. He can't quite process that. He knows the instructor is trying to be kind, but he is supposed to be here. He's supposed to practice. He can't deviate. He's not cracking at the seems. He doesn't need to go home.

Nothing goes right. The white noise is still in his head. He can't weight the pros and cons of a maneuver, the first choice is the one he has to take. Path of least resistance. Path of least thought.

He crashes three times before he realizes he can't do this. The instructor understands, says he'll cover for him for the rest of his classes and he should just go home for the day. Keith can only think that he must have really liked Shiro to do this for him.

He doesn't pick up the groceries on his way home. He realizes that as he walks through the door. He'll have to do better in the future. No one is going to be around to pick up the slack anymore. He should clean. The shack has gotten to be a mess recently. His thoughts buzz incoherently as he picks up.

He does well. He nearly gets the place spotless. Clothes picked up, all the shifting sand swept back outside, but the calendar does him in. He needs to scratch out the mark for the day Shiro's coming home, because he won't anymore.

Shiro is never coming home.

Keith breaks.