AN: So as always and with all of my stories, I do not own anything that you may recognise, I do however own this plot and anything that you don't recognise.

Summary: 'I could count the number of times I wished I could sleep on one hand, but every time I closed my eyes I could picture what I had done, what certain lies had caused me to do.' After attacking and killing a human, Jasper begins to hide away in his own personal hell. Will anyone be able to bring him out of his guilt spiral? Will Bella be able to help along with Peter and Charlotte? And what about the danger and the treat that is looming in the distance? Is it just too much to handle?

Worth it

Chapter one - unbearable

Jasper's POV

I could count the number of times I wished I could sleep on one hand, in both this life and my human one. It wasn't something I was fond of even then when sleep would take me almost every night. To me, it was just something that was necessary at the time, if I closed my eyes I would miss out on the world, miss out on everything around me. Plus having gone through what I have and seeing the things my eyes have seen, you find it difficult not to observe your surroundings and find danger that could cost you either your life or the lives of people you love. No I hated to sleep but in this moment, this exact moment I wish I could close my eyes, sleep and never wake up.

It wasn't going to be that easy though, even I knew that, every time I would close my eyes to try and escape the guilt I could picture what had just happened, what I had done.
"Jasper, please just open the door, no one blames you." that was a lie. I'd killed that human man and I blamed myself, I'd ripped open his neck and killed him, taken his life without even blinking. They can't tell me they don't blame me and that no one blames me when I can feel their horror, their disgust seeping through every pour of their body. "Just open the door, we can work it out together," I placed my hands over my ears in an attempt to block the sound as I curled further into the corner of my study, feeling the sting behind my eyes at the tears I knew I could never shed.

"Go away," it was barley a whisper but I knew they'd be able to hear me just like I could hear them, their muttering, and their silent whispers outside the door. I didn't want to see any of them, not my brothers, not my sister, not my parents and especially not the woman who'd been lying to my for so long, the woman who claimed to love me even when I felt guilt for having feelings for another.

I hated myself for what I had done, hated what those lies had led me to do, the anger and the loathing I felt as I stormed from the house in search of something to take my anger out on and finding a man pulling a screaming woman into an alley at the side of a rundown bar by her hair, seemed like the distraction I needed. I'd taken it too far though, feeling what they were feeling, feeling the fear spill into me had just set me off, set the monster I hid away free and I'd attack. It was lucky I'd let the woman escape.

I groan into my hands as I taste the blood on my tongue and feel the energy the human kill had given me. It was two days ago now but the feeling and the high was still there, the blood still coursing through my veins.

I hated myself because I loved the feeling.

"Jazz," I was wondering when they'd send Emmett, in the past when I'd slip he would always be the one to pull me back to the surface, bring me back to myself and out of my guilt spiral. Not this time though, this time was different because the shame I felt was far greater. "We're heading on our hunting trip, you coming?" I wanted to roll my eyes, of course he could say something as simple as that but little did he know the horror and guilt that rushed through me at those simple words, I wasn't hungry and they all knew why.

"Just leave Emmett," I heard him sigh as he turned from the door.

"Okay, well Carlisle is staying in case you need anything." I smirked at that, I knew exactly why Carlisle was staying and it had nothing to do with what I needed, it did though have everything to do with a certain human that Eddy didn't want me near especially for the week he'd be gone. The thought cheered me a little, only a little.

I listened as his footsteps disappeared down the hall and out of the house, hearing the rest of the family follow as they left me alone. I sighed, not completely alone.

Because of the Major I knew I would never be alone.

I throw my head in my hands as I slide my knees to my chest wondering how I had reached the point that I'm at, coming to one simple conclusion.

Alice.

From the very start she's lied to me, led me on and let me think that she loved and cared for me but it was all a lie. Sure she told me she loved me but that that love was only that of a friend. I just didn't understand. Of course when I look back I can see it, the distance that's been growing between us for the past ten years, the way we were no longer intimate, the fact that we no longer stayed in the same room alone for longer than ten minutes. I've been fooling myself thinking it was just what happened over time, that couples grew apart, I was an idiot.

I knew I could sit here and blame everything on Alice. That if it wasn't for her than I wouldn't have killed that man, but I couldn't blame her. I knew the truth. If it wasn't for Alice I would have killed more than that one man, I would have killed thousands already, she'd saved me that day and even though our life together was a lie I would always love her for saving me.

No I couldn't blame Alice for that night, there was only one person to blame and that was me.

"Jasper?" I didn't move or speak as Carlisle's voice travelled through the door, "son, I have to head out to the hospital soon but first I need to hunt, care to join?"

"I'm not thirsty," it was as if each time someone would ask me to leave my room and go hunt with them the guilt would grow and the hate I felt for myself would become greater. I wanted to be left alone but didn't want to be truly alone.

God I was messed up.

"Just call if you need me okay?" I didn't bother to reply as I heard his footsteps creep down the hall and out the front door, leaving me once again alone and for my hate spiral to continue.

Bella's POV

"You know if I could I'd take you with me love, I hate leaving you home alone." Once again I found myself wrapped in Edward's over protective embrace as he planted small kisses to the top of my head.

"I know," I huffed a little, it wasn't like I hated Edward leaving, sometimes I wished for it, since the family returned after all those months away, he had become sort of unbearable in the way he had to constantly be with me. I needed space and this hunting trip was the best way to get it.

"I can stay if you like? I could hunt closer to home that way I'll be here if you need me?" I was able to protest when he pulled away from me, "yeah maybe that's a good idea, with what's happening with Jasper at the moment." It was that moment I did stop him.

"What's happening with Jasper?" I demanded as I stepped into his view.

"Nothing for you to worry about love," he smiled at me as my eyes narrowed, before I would have dropped it but now? Now I wanted to know.

"Edward tell me, I want to know." I was putting my foot down and from the look he was now giving me, he knew it too.

He sighed as he pulled me to the couch, "it's nothing really love, Jasper is just having a hard time, he slipped and killed someone," he paused as he waited for my reaction, when he receive none he continued, "he's staying home with Carlisle, he won't leave his room or talk to anyone, don't worry though love, Carlisle won't let him near you until he is better." He pulled me closer obviously seeing the tear that escaped my eyes. "Maybe I should stay?"

I was more adamant now for him to leave.

"Edward I want you to go, you need to hunt and I need to spend some time alone with Charlie, please." I added as I softly kissed his cheek, it was a cheap move but I needed to do it.

It took him a moment but again he sighed, "Just promise not to go near the house or Jasper okay?" I nodded being careful not to say the words out loud. "Try to keep yourself safe." There was a beep outside signalling it was time for him to go, with a sweet kiss he left and I was left alone, knowing what I needed to do.

I have to see Jasper.

I waited, quite impatiently for ten minutes watching as the clock ticked down. I needed a plan; I needed a way to get to Jasper before I was caught, before Alice saw the future or before someone had time to tell Edward. I told Alice not to search for me when she returned but I had to be careful.

First things first, I had to get Carlisle out of the house. I racked my brain for a solution to that little problem and knew exactly what I had to do.

Digging out my phone I texted him hoping he would rush to the hospital like I wanted and needed him too, grabbing my jacket and keys I left the house ready to leave as soon as it was sent.

Hey Carlisle, guess what? Yep I hit my head again. Please tell me you're in work? I know Edward will want me to get checked out.

Hitting send I tapped my fingers against my steering wheel impatiently as I waited for a reply, clicking the screen on to ensure I didn't miss anything. After what felt like forever I received the reply I was waiting for.

I'm on my way.

That was all I needed to start the car and head straight towards my real destination. The Cullen house.

Stepping on the gas pedal a little too hard, listening as my truck moaned in protest I raced towards the drive, following the twisting road as imagined what sort of mess I was walking into. I knew this was probably killing him. I wasn't sure what this sudden urge I was feeling and why I needed to get to him as quick as possible but I knew I needed too.

I didn't have time to think or even worry as I parked my truck close to the house and jumped out, not even knocking as I let myself in and straight up the stairs, following the hallways that leaded me outside his study. Instead of bargaining in, I knocked as softly as possible, not wanting to frighten him.

"Jasper?" I didn't hear anything so I knocked again, a little harder this time, "Jasper It's me, can I come in?" I stood outside as I waited patiently for him to reply, I knew he was in there, it was a strange feeling I had when it came to this moment, this situation.

I wasn't sure how long I was outside his room or how long I waited for him to make the next move, in the end I was seated on the floor. After texting Carlisle saying I was running a little late I waited, just sitting as I placed my back and my head flat against the wall.

I Sighed as it started getting a little darker outside, Carlisle was in surgery so I knew I had time, I just needed Jasper to realise I wasn't going anywhere.

"Jasper please, I'm not going anywhere just please let me in? I just want to talk." I was beginning to wonder if I was just going crazy believing that he was still in there. After a moment though I heard the door slowly click open as it was unlocked.

Taking a deep breath I stood, twisting the handle as I let myself into the dark rom.

Jasper?"

"You shouldn't be here Bella." I was almost taken back by the rough voice that called from the dark room. Letting my eyes adjust slightly I glanced around as I searched for him

In the corner of the room is where he sat, blonde hair glowing faintly in the moonlight as he hung his head low.

"I know I shouldn't be but I couldn't leave you alone Jasper, not like this," I took a step forward.

"Please don't come any closer, I don't want to hurt you," feeling slightly defeated I turned my back to him as I felt around for the light switch, if I was going to do this I was going to see him while I did. Finally locating it I squinted as light filled the room.

"That's better," I muttered to myself as I turned back towards him, seeing that he had retreated further into his corner. "Now tell me what happened?" I stayed where I was, I knew I was pushing my luck as it was, I didn't want to frighten him further.

"I'm sure Edward told you, I bet he couldn't wait to throw that one at everyone, show everyone how weak I am."

"He did tell me, but I don't want to hear it for him, or anyone else for that matter. I want to hear it from you." I slowly eased myself to the floor as I faced him.

"I killed someone Bella, I held someone's life in my hands and I took it, all because of what? Some stupid lie!" I could hear him beginning to feel angry as he projected his emotions onto me, the crippling guilt I now felt plus the sudden anger. It was unbearable.

"What do you mean?" keep it calm, keep it cool.

"She lied to me, she told me we were meant to be together and then she decided it was over, that she didn't love me, we weren't mates and that she had found her true mate. How could she do that? We were together for so long, yeah I knew we wasn't mates, a part of me always knew but to just turn around and throw that in my face, telling me I was going to leave the family also, so that she and 'Henry' could be together? How could she do that Bella?"

My heart was breaking in front of me for the man I barely knew, how could Alice be so cruel? I was happy she found her true mate but honestly if she was here, I would set her pixie ass on fire for the pain she was putting Jasper through at the moment.

"Oh Jasper," I began to move forward a little only for his head to snap up.

"Please stay back, I really don't want to hurt you," I didn't answer him for a moment as I stared into his eyes, what once was golden was now a bright and piercing red. They were mesmerising, and that scared me. "See, I know you're scared of me Bella, I can feel it. I'm a monster." Again his head rested on his knees as he wrapped his arms around himself.

"I'm not scared of you." I whispered as I moved a little closer.

"How can you say that when I can feel what you do?" he never looked up, even as I inched closer and closer.

"I know what I felt Jasper but you misunderstand," I was right in front of him now. "I'm scared because I thought your eyes were beautiful," I whispered so low I didn't even think he could hear, but as he once again looked up and straight at me I knew he did and I also knew he was testing my emotions for even an ounce of a lie.

"How? How can you say that knowing what I've done?"

"Everyone's slipped at some time in their lives Jasper that doesn't make you a monster, the fact that you're here and feeling guilty over what you have done proves that." I slowly reach out and stroke his hair behind his ears, "you shouldn't beat yourself up because of that, you shouldn't blame yourself either Jas, I certainly don't." I smiled softly as he stared.

"You really are something, you know that?" I blushed slightly as he shook his head, "here you are, sat in front of me, blushing for fuck sake when I have red eyes, proof of what I've done and there you are. Not scared, touching me, you don't even fear for your own safety."

"I know you won't hurt me, I trust you." I shrugged, it was tree, not one part of me thought he would hurt me. I was always safe with him.

"I think you're right," he muttered to himself, "I don't think I could ever hurt you, no matter what." A confused look passed his face before it disappeared.

A/N: So what do you guys think? I hope you like it, this idea has been floating around in my head for the past few weeks and I couldn't stand it anymore, I had to get it down. so here it is.

I didn't even want to end the chapter, truth it I'm nearly 1000 words into the next I just love writing it.

Anyway IMPORTANT! If you read my other stories you will know that I have dyslexia so I do struggle with my spelling as well as my grammar but I do try.

Either way I hope you liked it and hopefully I'll have the next chapter up soon.

Let me know what you think

Until next time,

Jess

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