A/N: I really am too good to you guys and gals~!

We've got A Most Unlikely Archer coming out soon, it only seems fair that we roll in Lancer as well.

Now that leaves us with Saber, Ruler, Saver, Faker and a few others. Frankly, I don't think they can be done. I've about covered every other Fate verse that I could think of, and this was the only one that stuck out to me. Strange Fake is nowhere near bloody done and I might well gobble it all up at once if I'm not careful.

So in lieu of a long argument or conversation off we go.

It also goes to show how much a legend can twist a Servant...

...much to said Servant's chagrin. We all know Naruto never picked up a spear in his life...

Get ready to laugh, because this'll be no holds-barred madness. Now I'm off to work, looking forward to hearing what you think of this...

Such is the way of two jobs I suppose. Now if my bloody blasted leg would just freaking heal already I'd be fine and dandy. Can't wait to hear from you guys later tonight!

"Master, I don't think you quite realize what you have here."

"And you're going to tell me, I take it."

"Good boy! You're learning~!"

~?

A Most Unlikely Lancer

I never wielded a lance.

Nope.

Not once.

Never in my life.

I've used all sorts of weapons-even a sword once upon a time-but never a spear. What in the blue hell would I do with a spear?! Poke somebody with it? Really now! I still don't know who started that absurd rumor, but I want to throttle them. Perhaps that was the basis of what followed. Perhaps that was where everything started to go wrong, when one scholar declared I once wielded a lance. Perhaps it merely came after and I wouldn't have been able to do anything about it. You see, rumor and hearsay has a funny way of warping the world. People. Places. Events.

Even time itself.

I'm sure these people never met me; because those rumors didn't start until a few centuries after my death. By then the details of my life and the Last Great Shinboi War were as muddled as a mire. Few remembered any of us beyond what. Should've been grateful for that, I suppose, and I was...

...at first.

Because time twists the truth.

Some argued since I was Kushina's child, therefore, I must be like exactly like her. A daughter. Not a son. As Uzumaki blood ran in my veins; as a child of the Yellow Flash, they thought I ought to be able to do anything my parents did and more. Chakra chains, telportation, that sort of thing. Lies, all of it, I never even tried to master my pop's kunai trick and I sure as hell didn't know how to use chains. Still they debated. A small sect insisted, rather vocally. Eventually, that opinion prevailed, and a legend ascended to the Throne. One of many. What was "this" became "that" and somehow, truth became something else.

A wish? Well if I had one...

...yeah, now that I think about it...

...I want to thrash whoever started that damn rumor!

(...0o0o0...)

Cú Chulainn was getting real tired of this shit.

"C'mon kid," he growled, ducking under a freshly flung pail. "Just hold still and I'll make this quick-hey!"

An iron rod crashed into his face and he kicked its wielder away with a growl, hurling him into a wall. Not that Lancer was in any real danger mind you; his aggravation stemmed more from exasperation than any actual fault on his part. Try as he might, his prey just kept wriggling away from him. Damn kid. He was starting to feel bad for him. At this rate, he'd have to put some effort in just to corner the runt. Still, he gained points for persistence, if nothing else. It spoke well for his determination that despite his wounds, his prey just refused to drop. Such a shame he had to die for what he'd seen.

Seriously though, just how many times did he have to kill this kid?

He'd butchered the brat once already; stabbed him straight through the heart and left him to die.

Somehow he'd survived and managed to flee back home. It shouldn't have been possible. Fate had a foul sense of humor, it seemed.

Lancer had summarily tracked him down and cornered him in a shed. He resolved to be thorough this time around; he would take his head off to be sure and cut him into pieces. Ugly business that, but he had to be sure he wouldn't get back up again. Something told him that if he didn't kill this kid here and now, at this very moment, something horrible was going to happen.

Sure enough, it did.

Perhaps it was Lancer's bad luck stat plaguing him again. Perhaps the little brat planned this, luring him in here. Maybe he'd simply been the lucky one this time around. Regardless, it didn't change the outcome. A flash of light heralded an inadvertent arrival as a stray summoning circle was triggered. He had just enough time to behold a flash of light, a black blur shoving the boy backwards and out of range of his spear. Then the light was gone, the summoning circle broke apart, and something came roaring out at him with the fury of a thousand years.

"Oh, what the fucking fuck is this shit?!"

Damn. The new arrival sounded abut as angry as he felt.

"Are you kidding me?!" he squawked back! "That runt actually managed to summon a-

Red eyes rounded on him and in the span of a single heartbeat Ireland's Child of Light found himself assaulted by nine simultaneous attacks from nearly every conceivable angle, the blows so fast as to be nearly unseen. It was a testament to his skill and speed that he narrowly managed to deflect each one.

Not so the momentum behind the blows.

"Oh, good." the voice purred. "You can fight. Sorry, but I'm going to take my frustration out on you."

Even as Gae Bolg blocked the nine-pronged assault, it was unable to protect him from the momentum behind it. The spear creaked ponderously in his grasp and he tensed, to no avail. Not a moment later a booted foot got the better of him, slipping past his guard to strike him square in the chest and fling him from the shed as though he weighed no more than a feather. A plume of earthen dust heralded the Seventh Servant's leap as Lancer clawed back his bearings and he swung his lance up to meet them in spite of the grin tearing across his face. He'd forgotten all about the brat by now, the joy of a well-earned fight tore through him like a great fire.

Finally.

His Master had been so damn cowardly about this business; he hadn't truly tasted combat until tonight. Until Archer. Until this one.

Whomever they were, they were fast.

Very fast.

An armored leg crashed down against Gae Bolg in a thundering ax kick that rattled him to his very bones. Laughing, he shifted his grip and finally glimpsed a flash of scarlet eyes looming in the gloom as the dust began to clear. She didn't give him time to glimpse anything more; a lone hand seized hold of his spear, swung her body up around it, and brought twin boots barreling into his face in a stampede of pain. Cu stumbled back half a step, but never released his spear. It saved his life. If he'd lost hold of Gae Bolg, he had no doubt she would've used it to gore him then and there.

A flicker of movement danced in his peripherals and he rounded on it with a roar, bringing the jagged edge of his spear around to skewer them as she danced in the moonlight.

Until she jumped on it.

Lightly armored feet alighted upon the flat of his cherished weapon in a pointed crouch, perfectly poised, effortlessly balanced despite his assault. Cu barked out a laugh, both surprised and impressed by the tenacity-and the gall!-of his fellow Servant. In the full light of the moon he finally saw his enemy in her entirety before she kicked out at him again with those long legs of hers. Luck was with him for once and he took the blow on his shoulder rather than his chin. Whiskered cheeks pinched in a scowl as his attacker realized she'd been had and she vaulted away once more before he could manage to impale her.

For this was most emphatically a she.

A flowing amber robe floated over a form-fitting jumpsuit of black scarlet as she landed opposite him, armored in archaic silver over glazed shadow. Was that silver? He couldn't be sure. It was armor of whatever sort, and it looked formidable enough on its own, tapering from her bosom to her shoulders then down her forearms...

Arm.

She only had one, he realized.

Her right limb ended in a stump well below the elbow, an old wound healed long ago. Yet in spite of her handicap the newcomer did not cower before him; she remained every bit as lethal. Perhaps even moreso. A strange sense of anticipation filled Lancer as he watched her settled into a stance. She'd been dancing circles around him-and kicking him bloody-using only one arm and her legs. Teacher would've loved this girl.

Why did that set him ill at ease?

"Now I know the Grail's just screwing with me." he grumbled as she began to circle him. "Why do I always have to fight the crazy ones?"

She tilted her head and glared at him, regarding him as one would a curious cloud.

Her eyes were the color of furious slitted rubies again, their sclera dark as a foul and moonless night. He gripped his lance tighter at the sight of them. Those were the eyes of a beast set in a woman's face, no two ways about it, no sir. Her whiskered cheeks even now dimpled in a small smile as she considered him. Urk. Why did that look remind him of Medb? No, that annoying queen only ever wanted to screw him senseless; this one looked like she was envisioning his head on a spike. Streaks of red threaded through what should've been pure blond hair, lending it an eerie, bloodied visage despite the twin ponytails in which she wore it.

"So." when she finally spoke again, there as a dull anger throbbing in her voice. "Here we are."

"Here we are." Lancer agreed, readying his spear as she started forward. "You're a tough bugger, I'll give you that."

"You should see me when I'm at my peak. When I'm not, well...like this." something sparked and she swore darkly under her breath, her voice cracking like a whip. "Bloody legend. Who the hell thought I was a girl with big tits and one arm?! I mean, I get the one-arm bit because Sasuke and all, but this?! Eh?! Oi! Do you have have any idea how hard it is to move around with these fucking things? To fight?!" she slapped her chest for emphasis and immediately hissed in pain as the tender flesh there protested in bitter fashion. "Ow! How do women stand this?!"

Lancer snorted despite his best efforts to remain silent.

"I'm sooooo glad you found that funny!" she shot back. "I'm going to take it out of your hide."

The Servant's answering smile was almost pleasant, but it didn't reach those ever shifting eyes and her words were soft poison by comparison. Her pace didn't slow, yet neither did she make any move to renew her assault or rush headlong into his spear. In the end she halted a hairsbreadth away from him, swaying on her feet. Lancer refused to give ground, and wisely so as it turned out.

"Alright, I'll bite. Who the hell're you?"

Blue eyes beamed.

"If its names we're exchanging?" her grin grew as his forehead crunched against hers. "Naruto, even in this form. As to my class...it'd be Lancer this time around."

Her words rang out in the sullen silence between them, broken only by her Master's faint groan as he slumbered.

Cu blinked.

The name "Naruto" was loosely associated with many legends, none of which proved helpful at the moment. What little provided by the Grail only baffled him all the more. Moreover, her statement just now troubled him in more ways than one. He didn't want to believe it. Couldn't believe it.

"That can't be right." he glanced up and down at her, his frown deepening with every moment. "I'm Lancer."

She swore like a sailor, yet the way she carried herself set him on edge.

Her cheeks dimpled. "So am I."

She laughed then, an indulgent chuckle that rather reminded him of Scathach. And not in a good way. Teacher had always laughed like that when she knew something he didn't. But he knew he was right. He had to be. In any given war there could only be one Servant per class. You couldn't summon two Sabers, and you sure as hell couldn't call two Lancers. It wasn't possible. She must be lying-aha. That made sense. She must be Assassin then. No one else could be so limber in battle with a wound like that.

He even said as much, thinking to challenge her. "I don't see a lance."

"No." she bobbed her head. "You don't."

Her shoulders tensed.

That was Cu's only warning; then her back erupted and he realized just why she'd crept so close.

Dozens of molten orange chains with hooked points burst from her and bore Cu down into the dirt with all the rage and fury of a berserk warrior. One of the barbs pierced his thigh and he cried out, ripping it from the meat of his leg and tumbling away. Lancer. He saw it now, saw how she could be given such a designation. Rising from her back like great golden whips, burgeoned by blood and energy alike, they even now coiled to seek out his head at the slightest provocations. She didn't need a spear or a javelin; those barbed joints did all the work for her. She'd been testing him this entire time, waiting for a chance, an opportunity.

And he'd given her one.

It almost made him laugh, really.

He'd have to kill her quickly with his Noble Phantasm, else she'd never allow him to get away...until she did. He'd been told to scout, not to engage, and his parameters were briefly lowered for it. Still, he needed only one good hit and her heart would be his, skewered upon the point of his spear. Unless she had an absurd luck stat, there would be no escaping. But the opening thrust would leave him vulnerable and those chains had actually hurt him in a bad way; he couldn't trust to his speed as wholly as he wanted until he had his leg seen to.

'Fuck it. If I'm going down, might as well take her with me...

His arm was only just cocking back to throw Naruto raised a hand for peace.

"Wait."

She stomped down and the earth writhed with chains underfoot, chains that receded into her bloodied back like sly serpents. She'd been waiting, Cu realized, aghast. Ready for him to make a foolish, fatal leap into her territory. The notion galled him. Battle continuation or not, that would've hurt. A lot. When did she have time to set something like that up?

"That should do for tonight." the whiskered warrior hummed. "Lets call it a draw for now."

Did she think him craven? Lancer told her as much, and rudely at that. "You think I'd retreat just because-

"Please." her lips thinned as she shook her head. "I'm not used to his body and you're not at your peak. We'd only waste our strength. At best, we would both die."

"As if I'd let you!"

Those wild red eyes narrowed.

"You have no say in the matter, hothead~!"

Something hardened in her face and the blue knight abruptly found himself flat on his back. His legs, he realized, glimpsing the glimmering length of chain jutting from the soil. She'd used her chains to grab him by the ankles and trip him up. Discontent with the idea of being pinned by someone like this, he tried to thrash upright, to no avail. A snap of the fingers and he found himself airborne, the great barbed length cracking like a whip as he careened into the air. Shattered stone and mangled masonry burst before his back when he crashed back to to earth, like a falling star.

He'd scarcely clawed his way out of rubble before she was on him again.

Clang!

Gae Bolg shuddered as an armored leg crashed into its crimson length. By time he realized his peril she'd already grabbed the spear again and vaulted over, dragging his face into an armored knee. This time he tasted a touch of blood in his mouth and felt something break in his noise. Damnit. Slippery little thing. How did she keep doing...aargh! Not again!"

"Will you stop doing that?!"

His fellow "Lancer" only laughed at him as she spun away.

Oh. He knew that look. He'd seen it in his mentor's eyes before. She wanted a truce; one that would allow them both to recover so that they might yet face one another again. That small sadistic smile spread further still, swimming across "Lancers" serene visage like a shark through the sea. There was a hunger there, in her gaze one that rattled him to his core. All at once, she clicked her tongue and took a sharp step back to compose the towering greed in her eyes. Her lone hand cocked back, fingers clenched into a fist. Something writhed in the air behind her, and the blue Lancer choked.

"Now run, dog." she cooed. "Before I decide to chase you."

Lancer needed no further encouragement.

He got the hell out of dodge.

A/N: There we have it. Naruto-Naruko?-went and broke the grail. In short? Saber never appeared in this war. She should've been summoned, seeing as Shirou has a sodding catalyst for her locked in his chest-yet rather than some strange twist of fate-ha!-she never answered the call. Someone else did, instead.

Recall how rumors can change over time.

Now Naruto's found himself in a female body-much to his chagrin-and a weakened one at that. He's not happy about that. Not one bit. Remember this'll be gone in two days if people don't like it.

In any case, I'm pulling a double today, so wish me luck!

So In the Immortal Words of Atlas...

...Review, Would You Kindly?

And enjoy the previews!

Potential ones at that!

(Previews)

Caster smiled coldly.

"I think I like you, girl. Won't you join me?"

...you filthy wench! You dare laugh at your king?!"

Lancer sketched a humble bow, dancing around another blade.

"Any many who must say "I am the king" is no true king. You are no better."

It was the worst thing she could've said. Archer facepalmed and grit his teeth. "Idiot girl...!"

"DIE!"

Gilgamesh roared and two dozen portals opened at her exposed back, only for each projectile to be swatted aside by a storm of chains. Gentle palms graced the floor, fingernails sharpening into claws as all involved parties looked on. Her head snapped up, exposing sharpened canines and a high, wild smile. All the while her laughter continued unabated, heedless of her wounds, as chains of chakra continued to writhe and twisted about her like mad snakes. She seemed more shadow than Servant now, and even he cringed back from her.

"A fake I may well be," Lancer purred as her hair broke free from its braid, framing her face in wild strands of golden scarlet as her body continued to writhe and twist, becoming something ghastly. Monstrous. "I acknowledge that. The two of you are more real than I'll ever be. Me? I'm just a ghost, someone who never should have been born, never shoulda existed. I'm a fake, and you'll likely drag me through the mud before the day's done. HOWEVER!"

The earth boiled at her feet.

"I won't let you touch that boy."

"Clothes!" Shirou sputtered! "Wear them! Now!"

"How about no." she yawned.

"LANCER!"

R&R~!