AUTHORS NOTE: Originally posted on the site in January 2014 and completed in March 2014.

This story has been given a complete overhaul, hopefully removing all typo's and errors I missed the first time around, the main story remains intact and has not been altered other than edited to improve the flow and remove plot holes, errors and omissions.

I do not own Fifty Shades of Grey or its original characters.

oooOOOooo

BLIND FAITH IN YOU

After the numerous requests I had that I should continue with 'Christian' I didn't feel happy about re-opening that story, as I considered it done so with this story I have (hopefully) addressed people's desire for more from Christian's point of view. I have not covered the interview as that has already been done by E L James at the end of the main story in Fifty Shades of Grey and I couldn't possibly better it, so I am picking various moments from Christian and Ana's relationship at random as seen from Christian's point of view. It came to me when I was sorting through all my old CD's and came across the CD which is mentioned in this story and I listened to this song and that was where the seed of the idea came to me. Enjoy!

CHAPTER 1

I am watching Ana sleeping, she looks so peaceful. Christ I was a complete asshole to her tonight, nothing new there Grey you spend your life being a complete asshole to her. My mind goes back to earlier and my latest spectacular round of totally moronic behaviour.

We were due to attend a deadly dull corporate dinner. I didn't want to go, Ana definitely didn't want to go and she was tired which is hardly surprising considering she is nearly 8 months pregnant with our first child and she had a tough day at work; of course I couldn't stop myself making the now familiar crack that she should give up work. That got her fired up and determined to show me she was ok and so she put on her dress and her brave face and off we went.

I have to say that I love showing off my wife now she is pregnant, especially since it became obvious, with her gorgeous little bump. It gives out a clear message to any man in the room that she is completely mine and I like that. There were still the odd few who try it on with her, sick fuckers - she is pregnant for god's sake. That thought uncomfortably reminds me of what happened on the journey home.

She was absolutely beat and she was falling asleep in the car all the way back to Escala. She had taken off her heels as they had made her back ache and the insensitive pervert I am decided I wanted to have sex, what the hell is wrong with me?

Anyway, she told me in no uncertain terms that it wasn't going to happen and she said she was going straight to bed to sleep. So, how did I respond to that? I had a meltdown, fuck; my brain must be situated in my pants as I can't believe how I behave sometimes. Fear courses through me and I panic as I recall my behaviour. I am now wondering if she will leave me when she wakes up and remembers what I said to her.

I had told her that she was my wife and I had actually implied that it was her duty to have sex with me. She had looked at me as if I was crazy and told me that she was tired and had to be up early for work tomorrow, at which point I had then ordered her give up work. Needless to say that didn't go down well either and she calmly told me that she wasn't going to dignify such ridiculousness with a response and then she left the room and went to bed.

Taylor had looked at me like I was some kind of low-life and he even shook his head at me. I am now sitting watching her sleep; I love to do this as she looks so relaxed and peaceful. In fact you could say sitting watching her sleep is one of my favourite pastimes, god she is beautiful. I have no idea what I did to deserve this woman. My mind wanders back once more to my earlier behaviour and I decide that she really must be a saint to put up with my adolescent ways. I am suddenly brought back to the here and now by a voice speaking to me.

"Sir," I look up and see Taylor standing in the doorway to our room.

"Yes?" I whisper, as I don't want to wake Ana.

"Do you have an idea what these boxes are sir?" he asks and gestures with his hand, waving it vaguely in the direction of the hallway.

I stand and follow him down the corridor to the old subs bedroom, and see three cardboard boxes with junk in and I glance inside and shrug.

"It's not mine, it must Ana's. She did say something about having a sort out before the baby came" I say as I recall a conversation we had a couple of days ago.

Taylor nods "What shall I do with them sir?" he asks politely.

"Leave them there for now and I'll ask Ana what she intends to do with them," Taylor nods and makes his way to his office.

When he has gone I glance inside the box again and curiosity gets the better of me. I can't help but put my hand in and I have a rifle around. The first things I find and pull out are some yearbooks and I flick through till I find my beautiful Ana staring up at me. I smile as I touch the photograph, she has always been a beauty not to mention highly intelligent. I have another rummage, and I find an old cheap beat up CD player and I stare at it, good god this looks like it came out of the ark. Then I remember my baby didn't come from a wealthy family and she had to put herself through college.

I smile as I remember when she panicked because the amount due to come out of her account to pay her student loans hadn't come out and she was pissed when I told her that I had paid all her loans off. I made sure I did that as soon as she agreed to marry me.

I look in the box again and pull out a handful of CD's it is a very meagre collection and I shake my head; Bon Jovi, Poison, Warrant, Motley Crue, my baby was into 80's hair rock. I don't believe it my Ana was a rock chick and I chuckle at the thought but then I stop and think for a moment, hang on she was born in '89 so she wouldn't even know about these bands, would she? Then I take a closer look and my heart lurches as I see that they are all heavily discounted and I realise these were probably all she could afford. I close my eyes momentary and shake my head.

I take the CD player and the CD's and go into my office I hook it up and am shocked when I see it works. I pick up the first CD from the pile and grimace slightly before I put it in; I have never really listened to any of this stuff. I used to like Metallica a little, but I was never really into any of these pretty boys. I glance at the case, 'Warrant - Cherry Pie', I roll my eyes and cringe again, this is going to bad I am sure of it. I am not really listening to it until one song gets my attention. I quickly stop the player and start the song again and listen carefully to it and it's as if it is describing my feelings for Ana so I turn up the volume a little.

I replay it a couple more times and I have this urge to see Ana so I switch off the CD player with the words of the song still running around my head. I walk into our room and gently place a kiss on her forehead as I sit beside and watch her. I can't get those damned words out of my head.

I start thinking about all the times I have been a complete asshole to her and there have been many, going back to when I first met her and was in denial that I loved her and just wanted her as a sub. I remember how I had recoiled in horror when she told me that she loved me, and how I beat her to show her how bad it could be. I shudder at the memory, how I didn't believe that I deserved her or her love and how I very nearly lost her forever. If I am honest I still don't understand what she sees in me. I can't fathom how she could find me loveable, especially when I behave the way I did tonight and again the words from the song haunt my mind.

I focus on the weekend where I showed her how bad it could be and that ended up being the worst weekend of my life, after she told me to get my shit together and then left me. I remember seeing the elevator doors close and I was gutted, I felt as though she had reached inside me and ripped everything out and it was at that moment I realised that I was nothing without her. I remember going back inside the apartment and walking into our bedroom, I looked around it feeling lost and abandoned and I remember seeing the little package on my pillow, my heart contracts as I remember it and how I picked it up and read the card she had put with it and in that moment I realised what I had lost; I feel my chest tighten as I think back to that dreadful time and my hand subconsciously tries to rub the ache away...

Shit she has gone; she has really gone, she has left me. I feel the room closing in on me and I try and gulp air into my lungs. There is a loud buzzing in my ears and I feel like all the lights have gone out. She brought love and happiness into my existence – I say existence as that is what I was doing since she came into my life I realised that I was not living, I have only been living since she featured in my life but I know that I don't deserve her; I knew she was too good to be with a fucked up asshole like me and I have proved the point, I have crushed her and driven her away. I close my eyes and grip the small package in my hands. I feel my legs give way and as I kneel on the floor still gripping the gift I bow my head and for the first time in as long as I remember I sob bitterly as the regret consumes me.

When I am spent and can cry no more I take a deep breath and I open the package and a lump fills my throat. Inside is a model kit and it's a glider, my glider. In monetary value it is insignificant but at this moment it is the most precious, valuable thing I own. I immediately take it to my study and lock the door. I open the box and I am determined that I am going to sit and I will make it. It is quite complicated but I need to do this. Normally things like this would annoy the shit out of me and I would lose patience but I need to do this, I need to make it so I have a physical reminder of what I have lost through my own stupidity. I hear a knock at the door and I realise I locked it. I wander over and open it, and I see that Taylor is standing there and he looks at me carefully.

"Sir, I dropped Miss Steele at home… she was very upset sir" he says.

I feel my heart contract at his words but I just nod, "Thank you Taylor" I say.

I don't want to hear this, I am responsible for that beautiful girl's unhappiness and it is killing me.

"I want to be alone Taylor" I say a little more curtly than I intended but he doesn't seem to notice and he just nods and goes to walk away.

I turn to return to the model I am building and I pause as I remember the gala I am supposed to be attending tonight so I quickly call Taylor back.

"Taylor ring Andrea and tell her I won't be going the dinner tonight, make some excuse for me".

"Sir" Taylor says and leaves.

I carry on focussing completely on the model and eventually it is complete and I feel a strange sense of accomplishment. That positivity is quickly replaced by the pain that Anastasia will never know that I have just sat and built this model. I put the glider down quickly as I am suddenly filled with the urge to destroy it. Destroy it; smash it into tiny pieces just like I destroyed my relationship with her. I step away from it before I do just that; no, I will keep it as a reminder to myself of what a stupid shit I am. My attention is drawn to the window and I am surprised, I have been building this thing all afternoon I look at the clock and the time confirms the darkening sky, it is now early evening. I stand and stretch and I realise I am thirsty and so I decide to go and find a drink. I pause when I hear my phone buzzing and I reach for it and without looking to see who it is I answer sharply.

"Grey" I snap.

"Christian darling how are you?" the voice is familiar, but at this moment it is unwelcome.

"Elena" I say equally abruptly.

There is a brief pause and I realise she noticed my less than warm tone, "Christian what's wrong?" she asks.

I can tell she didn't appreciate it by her own response and that pushes me over the edge and I can't control my emotions, shit what is wrong with me?

"She left me, I fucked up and she left me" I blurt out and my voice is so full of the anguish I am feeling when I think of Anastasia that it sounds almost like a sob.

"Oh well never mind it's probably for the best darling, if she can't handle your needs she is obviously no good for you".

She sounds cold and indifferent but I don't say anything, I'm not sure what I was expecting her to say but that wasn't what I was expecting. I want to rant and yell, I want to say that she was good for me and that she was the best thing that has ever happened to me and I destroyed it but all that comes out is four words.

"It was my fault" I say.

There is another brief silence and then Elena responds dismissively."Oh Christian darling pull yourself together, this girl really got under your skin didn't she? You'll get over it just get yourself a nice experienced sub and you will soon forget about her".

I stare at my phone, she is really not getting this and I don't want a fucking nice experienced sub… I want Ana!

"I can't get her out of my mind," I say trying to make her understand.

"Look Christian, just pull yourself together" she is snapping at me now. "Get over it, you don't need her, I'll see you later at the dinner" she adds.

"No I'm not going" I say quietly.

"Christian, you don't need her" she says again.

"I have to go" I say quietly and I hang up. Elena is wrong I do need her; I need her more than I have never needed anything in my life before…

I am back in the present and look at Ana sleeping peacefully, I realise now that I loved her right from the very start, right from that day she fell into my office and just looked up at me with those big blue eyes and she totally beguiled me. Her eyes; those beautiful blue eyes, the words from that song creep into my head again and my mind starts to wander again. All my moronic moments are going through my head on a loop. The hassle I have given her over Jose, my jealous streak just gets out of control with her because I'm so fucking terrified that she will realise she is better off without me and leave me for another man. Not to mention my controlling ways, I cringe sometimes when I look at how I behave towards her. I wonder once again why she puts up with me, because I can and do behave so fucking badly.

I think of the time I punished her when she went out with Kate and Hyde broke into the apartment. I was in New York and I was already in a foul mood as I was pissed that she hadn't come with me, but she had assured me she would stay in with Kate. I didn't want to tell her about the security issues with Hyde as I didn't want anything to worry her.

I remember it as if it was yesterday...

"Sir" Taylor comes up to me and whispers in my ear.

"What is it?" I ask.

I am at a deathly dull dinner and I am totally miserable. I know that I am sulking, my mind is back in Seattle with my wife and I just want to go home. I have spent tonight just wishing I was home with Ana.

"Luke has just called me, it appears that Mrs Grey is at a bar with Miss Kavanagh."

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" I yell but then I stop as the table goes silent and everyone looks around at me.

At this moment I am too angry to care what they think though and I stand and without a word of apology for my behaviour I leave the room. When I am outside I grab my phone and call Ana, she doesn't pick up so I am panicking now and I try again and again. Pick up the fucking phone Ana. I know l am getting more and more worked up and I also know that I probably look like a crazy person. Taylor tells me to calm down but I just can't and everyone who is walking past has their eyes on me watching me warily as I lose it. I move away and into a small unoccupied room and then I quickly text her and I wait, I stand glaring at my phone willing her to reply but there is no response. I run my hands through my hair I am beside myself, all sorts of scenarios are stampeding through my mind and the fear and anger is thrumming through me. I need to calm down so as I try and get a grip, I decide to call Sawyer.

I wait, fuck isn't he going to answer either?! A moment later he does pick up and before he can say anything I am bawling down the phone at him.

"Sawyer, where are you and what the fuck is happening?"

Sawyers replies without any hesitation and it is a calm and measured response. "Miss Kavanagh persuaded Mrs Grey to go to Zig Zags sir and they have been here quite a while now".

Kate fucking Kavanagh, I might have guessed! "Who is with you guarding her?" I snap.

"Prescott sir" he replies and then he hesitates a moment. "Do you want me to put Mrs Grey on the phone to you sir?" he asks.

"No" I snap.

As much as I want to speak to Ana right now and hear her voice to reassure myself that she is safe, I also know instinctively that it would be a very bad idea for me to speak to Ana at this moment as I am so fucking livid right now it's unreal and I will say something I will regret and if I do she may leave me.

"Sawyer... just keep her safe," I say as the very real fear of losing my wife or something terrible happening to her fills me with dread.

"Yes sir" he replies and I hang up and push my phone into my pocket. I realise I can't stay here now, I have to get back to Seattle.

"Taylor we are leaving, now" I say as I stride out of the room.

I am so angry she has completely disobeyed me; I am ready to spank the shit out of her. I stop and count to ten. Fucking calm down Grey you can't do that. I stop and take another deep breath, she will leave me if I do that and once again the myriad of bubbling negative emotions threatens to overwhelm me. I try and desperately regain my equilibrium. I really need to calm down, at least I have the flight home to try and settle down.

It becomes apparent very quickly during the flight that I am unable to control my emotions and the more I try and fail the angrier I get. I know I have pissed Taylor off on the flight home as I can't settle, the poor man is trying to get some sleep and I am pacing around like a caged animal. I try and relax and eventually I do manage to get some sleep but fuck knows how. I only realise that because at this moment Taylor is waking me up and he looks anxious.

"Sir, there has been a situation at Escala" he says. I am instantly and totally wide awake now; what the fuck has happened? I look out of the window and I see we have landed and are taxiing to the hanger.

"What?" I ask as I reach for my phone switching it on.

"Hyde breached the apartment sir, Ryan took him down".

"WHAT THE FUCK" I scream and I leap to my feet my hands gabbing at my hair. Oh my god Ana!

"Is everyone ok?" I croak not recognising my own voice as I am rigid with fear, I am petrified that all my worst nightmares have come true and something has happened to Ana.

"Yes sir, Mrs Grey was making her way home from the club when it occurred, she called the police when she returned and found that Hyde had been apprehended.

I close my eyes when I hear that; shit, that's the last thing we need. We do not need the police involved but at least she wasn't there… I think about that for a moment and a cold realisation washes over me I had wanted her to stay at home, shit what if she had done as she was told and been home? Maybe it was a blessing she went out after all? But she disobeyed me? But I put her in danger by telling her to stay in? What the fuck? Shit I am so confused, I don't know what to think.

I run my hands through my hair as I try and make sense of everything I am currently thinking and then I see Ana's voicemail and listen to it and as I hear her voice I close my eyes. I can tell by her voice she is afraid and I need to get to her. I still want to spank the shit out of her but that can wait.

We arrive home and Sawyer and Ryan debrief me, I am shocked and so confused right now, I don't know what is right. I leave the room and hear Taylor tearing into Ryan for allowing Hyde access but privately I think he was incredibly brave. I think Taylor's reaction is down to concern about Gail, thank god I had that panic room put in.

I go into our room and I stop dead as I see Ana sleeping. I vaguely notice she is on my side of the bed and wrapped around my pillow. I visually assess her she is safe and unharmed and the relief fills me but that relief is quickly replaced with the anger that she disobeyed me but that is why she is safe, if she had been here? I am so confused right now I rub my hand roughly over my face before I move the chair closer to the bed and after fetching a glass of bourbon which I throw back and quickly refill I return to the bedroom and just sit staring at her as she sleeps.

"What the fuck am I going to do with you?" I whisper to myself.

I shiver as that memory is running around my head. I am sitting here in exactly the same chair remembering that night, when Hyde tried to kidnap her. At this moment I am doing what I did when I came home that night, after I got back from New York, I am sitting with a glass of bourbon in my hand, watching my wife sleep. My mind continues to remember that time, I close my eyes once more and it is as if I have been transported back to that time...

I sit over thinking everything that has happened tonight and getting myself more and more worked up as a result. I am so fucking angry with her right now because she disobeyed me, she promised me she would stay in and then totally did the opposite and for that I want to spank the shit out of her. I take a moment and realise I can't, I daren't, I know she hates that and I promised her no more punishment. If I do that she will leave me and I can't risk that; but right at this moment I am in total turmoil. I am in total confusion over my decision to keep her safe in the apartment. Fuck she was safer out with Kate, but she disobeyed my orders? Christ what do I sound like? Then on top of that I have now also been told what that sick fucker wanted to do to her. All I want to do is take her in my arms and hold her, but I am afraid to touch her because I am so angry. I am so scared I am going to lose control and hurt her and she will leave me. I sit and watch as she rouses slowly opening her eyes and staring up at me, god those beautiful eyes they see straight through me and that scares me more than anything. If she can see through the outer shell she can also see the rotten core and it won't take much for her to realise that I am not worth her love and she won't want me anymore.

She is asking me why I am being so cold and callous towards her, I don't want to hurt her - oh baby I need to keep my distance from her. Please baby I love you and I'm so scared and so confused right now. I hear myself telling her I am burning with rage and how I am not used to these feelings.

Oh god she is coming to me and climbing on my knee, she is holding me oh god that feels good. I wrap my arms around her and I feel myself calming slightly as I touch her and smell her scent. What the hell is it about her that manages to have that effect on me? But I am still angry with her for disobeying me? But she was safer with Kate? I just have no idea what is right anymore, my whole controlled thought pattern and everything I know has been turned upside down and at this moment I am floundering, I am just totally lost.

She goes back to bed and I leave her a drink and some painkillers for when she wakes up again. I pace around the house for a while longer, I see the damage that was caused when Hyde was apprehended. I'll have to call Elliot to come and fix that foyer door, seeing the damage makes my fear and inevitably my anger increase to the point where I can't stand it anymore so I decide to take a shower to try and calm myself down.

After just standing under the stream of water for what seems like ages and feeling it pelt down on me I realise that it isn't really helping, so I am just starting to wash myself when I hear Ana join me in the shower. I have been in here for a long while but I am still so angry and I daren't touch her, I sense her moving closer to me. Christ she is putting her arms around me.

"Don't" I whisper to her.

I realise in that moment that have denied her and pushed her away. She is hurt I hear it from the sharp gasp she emits and she has withdrawn immediately. Baby I love you I daren't touch you though, if I hurt you...

I turn to her and try to make her understand, "I am still fucking mad at you," I lean my forehead against hers and she touches my face, oh baby that feels good.

"Don't be mad at me please, I think you are over reacting," she whispers this to me. What the fuck? Is she insane? I can feel my anger rising again, over fucking reacting? I'll give her over reacting.

"Over reacting, some fucking lunatic gets into my apartment to kidnap my wife and you think I am over reacting?" I am snarling at her trying desperately to contain my anger, is she crazy?

She is looking at me and she looks confused, what is she thinking?

She looks down at her hands. Christ I'm fucking this up so badly, talk to me baby what did you mean? Please baby talk to me, I am willing her to explain what she means.

"No... um, that's not what I was referring to. I thought this was about me staying out". She waits for me to say something and when I don't respond she speaks again.

"Christian I wasn't here" she whispers this to me to try and make me feel better but it doesn't it makes me feel worse, knowing that if she had stayed at that apartment she would have been in more danger.

No you weren't baby, because you fucking disobeyed me, I close my eyes, but if you were here you would have been in more danger, I can't reconcile this, shit what can I do? I shake my head trying to make sense of these conflicting emotions.

"I know" I whisper this out loud to her.

Part of me is so glad she wasn't here, but then there is the part of me who is seething because she disobeyed me. I don't want to think about it, I don't want to talk about it, I need to get out... get away try and get my head around this. I can't do it here with her next to me, I just can't think straight. I have to punish her somehow, I can't let her get away with defying me like this but what can I do? I will hurt her if she comes near me, but I need her so much. I am questioning my judgment.

I open my eyes and look at her, the anger is still there. I'll use it, control it and use it.

"And all because you can't follow a simple fucking request; I don't want to discuss this now in the shower and I am still fucking mad at you Anastasia. You're making me question my judgement".

There now she knows and I have to get out of here. I turn swiftly and leave the shower. I dry myself and get dressed and head to my study, I need to speak to Welch about last night's fuck up and as I am on the phone Ana comes to the door. Oh baby please not now, I shake my head at her and my heart breaks as I watch her walk sadly away.

I finish up and go and eat my breakfast, Gail looks uncomfortable and it's no wonder as the atmosphere in here this morning is thick and oppressive. As I am eating Ana comes out dressed for work, fuck she can't be seriously considering going to work today?

"You're going?" I ask her as she passes me.

"To work, yes of course" she replies flippantly.

She explains that we have been barely back a week and that we will talk later when she gets back, if I have calmed down, calmed down for fucks sake.

"Calmed down" I whisper softly to her, I am hanging on to my self control here with a thread, I know I am scaring her I can tell that much but then she asks me if she can take her car, seriously?!

"No you can't" I snap at her when she asks.

"Okay" she replies backing down immediately.

Shit I was expecting another argument then, that was easy. We have a brief discussion about her security and then she kisses me gently, oh god baby that feels so good.

"Don't hate me" she whispers to me.

What? I could never hate you, I fucking love you. I grab her hand as she walks away, I can't let her leave here thinking I hate her she might not come back.

"I don't hate you" I say.

I am looking at her why would she think I hate her? "You haven't kissed me" she whispers answering my unspoken question.

"I know" I mutter back at her.

Oh baby I am so scared to touch you right now, I have so many different emotions running through my head, I'm drowning in them. If I touch you I am so scared I am going to hurt you, fuck it you want a kiss you are getting one. I stand and grab her tightly, she gasps as I take control and I pour all my seething emotion into the kiss and she quickly responds to it. No, you need to be punished. I stop and release her and she leaves…

I open my eyes, the memory of that day just seared into my memory, how things got worse and worse and she sent me those fucking emails and got me even more worked up then that night in the playroom when I got totally out of control and she safe worded. I look at Ana sleeping in our bed, she has her hand resting on her huge bump and I smile as I gaze at it my son is in there. I need to stop this, I need a distraction. I have to stop thinking of all the times I have fucked up, but I just can't because my mind won't let me. I go back to my office, I look at the CD's and I carry on listening to the one which is now playing.

I pick my ears up and listen to the lyrics, and I smile, that is how I feel about Ana, as the song continues, my smile fades and a creeping fear goes through me.

I feel like I can't breathe and I grip my desk and start hyperventilating. I would die if Ana ever cheated on me, I don't think she ever would because she loves me, but the way I behave keeping her on a short leash and acting like a fucking Neanderthal every time some man looks at her. Not to mention the way I start making ridiculous demands, I am going to lose her if I don't get my shit together but she is mine and no man is ever going to look at her, let alone touch her.

My attention is drawn back to the song and I swallow deeply, oh baby I love you so much. I just want you to be safe. I can't bear the thought of losing you but I will lose her if I don't stop behaving like this. I sink into my chair and put my head into my hands, another song comes on, as I am looking aimlessly through the other CD's and I pause again and listen and as I do so I smile.

That is my Ana, she is my sunshine, before she came into my life it was dark, I was in perpetual night time when she left me. She is literally my everything.

My mind goes back to when she safe worded on me in the playroom, that night. Christ I got carried away, just like I did when I beat her and when I heard that little tearful voice saying 'red' and the tears falling down her cheeks I felt my blood run cold. I can't bear to think about it, god I really thought she would walk out on me at that moment but by some miracle she didn't; she stayed and I know that I really don't deserve her. She loves me unconditionally and all I do is abuse that love.

Songs: 'Blind Faith', 'I Saw Red' and 'Mr Rainmaker' by Warrant - from the album Cherry Pie