Disclaimer: All the Twi-things belong to Ms. Meyer. I'm just having fun here.

Hello, my beautiful readers!

I wrote something deliberately ridiculous for the recent "Twilight Bothered Contest" – in which we writers decided to use all the clichés and cringey words we could fit in one story just for the fun of it – and this crazy one-shot won four awards! I was honored to get third place in the public vote, two judges' picks, and the moist-urizer award.

(Oh yeah. That was a thing.)

I must also give a shout-out to LyricalKris. On a thread in the "Bothered Contest" group, she said she'd love to write a story exaggerating all the typical Cullen attributes, and this one-shot was inspired by that statement. So thanks for the idea, Kris! :-)

Also huge thanks to the creators of the contest. It was super fun to read and write for, and I hope you gals decide to host it again next year!

And without further ado – and with my apologies – please enjoy the story!

Bella's First Day

The blare of the alarm clock wakes Bella from a restful slumber, and she reaches out to slam the noise into silence. Misjudging the distance between her hand and the nightstand, Bella tumbles out of bed, rolls across the floor, and crashes into the storage trunk by the window.

"Whoops!" She smiles endearingly at her wounded knee, grabbing the first-aid kit she keeps under her bed for such emergencies. The gash drips with blood, causing Bella to get a little woozy. She nibbles anxiously on her bottom lip, applying a little too much pressure, and soon tastes blood on her tongue.

"Uh-oh," she thinks concernedly just before passing out, her head hitting the floor with a loud thunk.

Charlie looks up from the sports section of the paper, thinking he heard something upstairs. But that ice-cold beer on the coffee table isn't going to drink itself, so he shrugs and takes another sip, his mind on his afternoon fishing trip with Billy Black. The freezer is already full of Charlie's prized catches, but what else is a police chief in a Podunk town supposed to do on his day off?

"The diner!" he cries excitedly. "I could have breakfast at the diner!"

Popping up from his tattered recliner, he grabs his gun holster from the hook in the hall (just in case) and heads out. But as he opens the door, he pauses at the threshold, realizing he forgot to do something important.

He rushes back to the living room and drains his beer, wiping his mustached mouth with a satisfied sigh. "Don't wanna let that go to waste!"

As he steps outside, he sees the rusty orange truck still sitting in the driveway.

"Huh," he says as he opens the driver's side of the police cruiser. "Guess Bells decided to walk to school today. She's such an independent girl, just like her mother."

Backing out of the driveway, Charlie hits the main road and heads off, whistling his way out of sight.

Bella's still lying on her bedroom floor bleeding at the mouth and knee when her cell phone rings a few moments later. She sits up slowly, wincing in discomfort, and reaches up on the nightstand to grab it. Instead she knocks the alarm clock off the table, and it conks her in the head before hitting her other knee.

"Ouch!" she cries aloud as she finally finds the phone to flip it open. "Hello?"

"Bella?" a female voice comes through the line. "Honey, is that you?"

"Mom?" Bella sits up, all pain and bleeding forgotten. "Oh, Mom, it's so great to hear your..."

"Mom?!" Renee laughs heartily. "Girl, you're a year older than me! I've seen your driver's license, remember?"

"Oh, Mom!" Bella laughs too. "It's really sweet that you remembered my first day of school! I've been missing you so much lately and..."

"Wait," Renee says seriously. "Who is this?"

"It's Bella, Mom. Your daughter."

"Bella... Bella..." Renee snaps her fingers in recognition. "Ohhh, Bella Swan?"

"Yes!"

"Huh," she intones distractedly. "I thought I was calling Belladonna DiBlanco, my Pilates instructor."

"That's okay, Mom! It's really great to finally talk..."

"Yeah, no, kid. I put you on that plane to Spoons for a reason. Pester your old man with your problems. Renee out."

The phone goes dead, and Bella smiles indulgently. "Wow... she's such a free spirit. I'm so glad she's out there living her life as if I don't exist!"

Checking the time on her phone, Bella realizes she's running late. She bandages her three wounds – can't do much about the bleeding lip – and quickly runs out of gauze and tape. She closes the first-aid kit, nearly breaking her wrist in the attempt.

She looks down at her clothes and realizes she needs to get dressed. But the thought of trying to stand makes her dizzy, so she decides to wear pajamas to school. Going to the bathroom to brush her teeth is an equally dangerous prospect, what with the sharp corners of the vanity and all, so she pops some gum in her mouth, hoping that'll do the trick.

"I'm sure it won't matter," she mumbles, suddenly depressed. "I mean, who would want to talk to the new girl anyway?"

With a heavy sigh, she scoots across the floor on her butt to put on her favorite pair of ratty chucks, tying a triple knot to make sure she won't trip on the laces later. Her backpack is atop her desk, and she doesn't think she can get it without injuring herself. But she needs her dogeared copy of Wuthering Heights to make it through her first day, so she takes a deep breath, focuses really hard, and uses the desk chair to push herself upright again. She counts to 100 to make sure she's steady and carefully slips her arms into the straps of her backpack.

But she still has to make it all the way downstairs to get to school, so she uses the desk chair to slide carefully back to the floor, butt-scooting out of her room and down the stairs. She crawls to Charlie's recliner to help herself stand up, and once she's regained her balance, she grabs her truck keys and heads out.

She makes it to school in record time, her ancient truck making a ruckus as it pulls into the parking lot. She notices some kids laughing and pointing at her truck, so she pulls some books out of her backpack and clutches them to her chest for protection.

But it's not easy to hold stuff in your hands while getting out of a truck. And as Bella tries to shut the door, she drops everything on the ground in plain view of everyone. They point and laugh all the more, and Bella's tender heart sinks.

"Oh, no!" she expresses woefully. She wants to bend down to pick up her books, but the ground is so hard and unsafe... and her first-aid travel kit only has fifteen bandages left.

"Need some help?" an unfamiliar voice asks eagerly. She turns to find a sandy-haired, friendly-faced boy beside her. He bends to gather her books, looking at her with a love-struck grin as he stands up again.

"Thanks," she responds nervously, tucking a long strand of hair behind her ear. She takes the books from him and steps forward, but she trips over nothing and knocks him down. He hits his head on the rear bumper of the black coupe next to her truck, but he stands up without complaint, smiling sheepishly.

"You have a beautiful way of falling," he says admiringly. "I've never met a hopeless klutz with such passion and flair."

Bella blushes to her roots. "Thanks."

"You're welcome." His head is starting to bleed, but he pays it no attention as he picks up her books again. Bella notices the blood and stops breathing through her nose, hoping that will be enough to stop her nausea. He stacks the books into a neat pile and smiles at her. "I'll just hold on to these."

Bella tucks more hair behind her other ear. "Okay."

"I'm Mike," he affirms definitively, falling in step beside her. "Mike Newton."

"Hi." She looks at him shyly, unsure of how to talk to a boy. "I'm..."

"Isabella Swan, I know. We've been expecting you."

"We?" she asks, frowning.

"Well, everybody, I guess. It's a big deal to get a new student in the middle of the year."

"Oh." Bella looks down, studying her feet, but the sight of the ground makes her lose her balance, so she looks up again. Thankfully there's a railing beside her, and she grabs onto it as she and Mike proceed up the stairs.

"But don't worry," Mike proclaims confidently. "I'll be your unofficial guide today, make sure you don't get lost."

Bella frowns, feeling insecure. "You don't have to do that."

"I know I don't have to," he states flirtingly. "But I want to."

Bella smiles, feeling confident. "Thanks, Mike!"

"Hey, it's my pleasu..."

"Newton!" A caramel-skinned boy throws his arm around Mike's shoulder. "What's good, man?"

Mike grimaces. "Nothing."

"Doesn't look like nothing." The boy chuckles sarcastically. "Especially that nasty bruise on your head."

Mike lifts his chin defiantly. "It's a battle scar."

"Whatever." The new boy stands in front of Bella, smiling slowly at her. "Aren't you gonna introduce me?" he asks Mike.

"Ugh." Mike rolls his eyes and turns to Bella. "This is Tyler Crowley."

"Captain Tyler Crowley," Tyler boasts proudly. "Of the football and basketball teams."

Bella nods, not really knowing anything about sports. "Hi."

"Crowley," Mike presents begrudgingly. "This is Isabella Swan."

"Hold up... the Isabella Swan?" Tyler asks interestedly.

"Yes?" Bella questions worriedly.

"Well, Ms. Swan..." Tyler reaches for her hand. "The pleasure is all mine."

Tyler lifts her hand to kiss it, and Mike shoves his hand away. "Quit it."

"What's your problem, Newton?" Tyler interrogates hotly.

"Isabella doesn't need you pawing all over her like that." Mike looks to Bella for confirmation, but she's looking at the wall, uncomfortable with all the attention. "Besides, I've got this."

"What, her books?" Tyler exclaims scoffingly. "Fine. You take those to her locker, and I'll take her to class."

Tyler tries to put his arm around Bella's shoulder, but Mike grabs his wrist before he gets the chance. "I said quit it, Crowley."

Tyler gets in his face. "Make me, Newton."

"Excuse me, Isabella." Mike hands Bella her books. "There's something I need to handle."

Mike and Tyler begin an aggressive slap fight in the hallway while Bella slinks off to the office to get her roster. She finds her homeroom pretty easily, but when she walks in, everyone turns to stare at her. She flushes red and shuffles to an empty seat in the back row. She keeps her head down, feeling the stares from the rest of the room, and doesn't look up again until her name gets called.

"Isabella Swan?" a man bellows loudly from the front of the room.

"Yes?" she responds interrogatively.

"Come up here," he commands authoritatively.

Bella sighs and heads up front. The teacher introduces Bella to the class, and she blushes again, causing the boys in the class to wolf-whistle and the girls to groan in jealousy. Bella tries to tuck more hair behind her ear, but there's no room, so her hair falls in front of her face like a silky brown curtain.

Soon the bell rings, and everyone disperses, forgetting all about her. Bella hurries to the back of the room to grab her bag and stumbles over a chair.

Thankfully, no one is there to see that.

*** B – F – D ***

Bella makes it out of her first three class relatively unscathed. She only tripped up the stairs five times, down the stairs four times, and only went to the nurse to get something bandaged twice.

And in the midst of all that, she made friends.

There was Jessica, the gossipy brown-haired girl who instantly took to Bella for no discernible reason. Ben, the accessible geek who had a movie quote for every situation. And Angela, a kindhearted, bespectacled soul who only had good things to say about everything.

Bella is sitting at their noisy lunch table when Jessica suddenly taps Bella's shoulder. "Oh my god," she whispers poorly. "Here they come."

"Who?" Bella inquires curiously.

"The Cullen kids," Jessica murmurs murmuringly.

Bella turns in her seat as the cafeteria doors open, and the most beautiful woman she has ever seen strolls in. She is blonde, statuesque, and has a body that makes Bella feel like an ironing board. The world is clearly this woman's runway, and she owns every step she takes.

"That's Rosalie," Jessica declares factually.

"Wow," Bella sighs admiringly. "She's beautiful."

Apparently, the blonde also has excellent hearing because she stops walking and turns to fix Bella with an arctic stare that freezes Bella in place.

"I hate you and everyone you've ever met," the blonde hisses bitchily.

Bella gasps and gulps in fear. The blonde narrows her eyes and gives Bella a dismissive once-over.

"Your clothes are ugly, and your face is stupid," she adds spitefully.

Tears leak from Bella's doe-like eyes, and Angela wraps her arms around her new friend.

"It's all right, Bella," Angela coos soothingly. "Rosalie may be a stone-cold ice queen, but everyone has a reason for being who they are." Angela pauses thoughtfully. "Except Tanya. She's a bitch."

"Who's Tanya?" Bella sniffles brokenly.

"I don't know," Angela replies promptly. "But she's a bitch."

"And that's Emmett, Rosalie's boyfriend," Jessica continues continuingly. "They're both seniors."

A terrifyingly huge but friendly-looking man-child lumbers into the room like a playful orangutan, grinning widely as he leaps up onto a table, beats his chest, and lets out a loud and impressive imitation of Tarzan. Rosalie stands up, whacks him across the back of the head, and he tumbles to the floor, rolling toward the lunch line with a booming yet welcoming laugh.

"Two very enthusiastic thumbs up!" Ben cries cinematically. "Fine holiday fun."

"Jasper and Alice are next," Jessica reveals informatively. "They're in our class."

An immaculately dressed girl with a short, spiky hairdo glides into the lunchroom, expertly wielding several shopping bags as she twirls across the floor. The curly-haired blond walking stiffly behind her seems severely injured, his face a mask of agony as he watches Alice nail eight perfect pirouettes.

"Wow," Bella breathes fascinatedly, quickly covering her mouth lest Rosalie hear her.

As the pixie-like brunette shifts from pirouettes to fouettés, she suddenly stops mid-turn, her right leg extended a perfect 90 degrees from her body. She stares unblinkingly ahead, her head tilted, and Jasper and Emmett rush to her side.

"What is it, turtledove?" Jasper asks concernedly.

"Is it a black bear?" Emmett queries questioningly. "Or two black bears?"

"Who cares?" Rosalie flips her perfect hair with a selfish snort. "The new girl sucks."

"No, she doesn't." Alice breaks out of her trance, her golden eyes bright with warmth as she turns to Bella. "She's the missing piece!"

Alice leaps across the room in a series of elegant grands jetés, landing right in front of Bella.

"Hi!" She pulls Bella from her seat, crushing her in an affectionate hug. "I'm going to give you a makeover, shatter your comfort zone despite your protests, and declare us best friends forever!"

Bella realizes Alice's body is unusually hard, yet she has never felt so loved. She melts into Alice's embrace, happy tears pricking her eyes. "Okay."

"Then let's go!" Alice grabs her hand. "Jasper, bring the Bloomie's bags!"

She drags Bella out of the lunch room and into the nearest bathroom, Jasper following obediently with two brown-and-black striped bags. He sets them down then takes a deep breath, his eyes darkening. Alice stops again, looking up and staring at nothing.

"Emmett," she announces in a normal yet sing-song voice. "Come get Jasper. He seems to have forgotten vampires don't have to breathe."

Booming footsteps approach the bathroom, and a paw-like hand grabs Jasper by the arm and yanks him away.

"Okay, so!" Alice claps her hands and pulls out an assortment of clothes. "What shall we put you in?"

Bella frowns at most of the choices, wondering why her stained t-shirt and faded pajama pants aren't good enough, but she doesn't want to seem ungrateful for her best friend's unsolicited help.

"Those are cute," Bella observes observantly.

"These?" Alice holds up a silky blouse and a pair of classy slacks. "They're trash!"

The petite but pushy pixie grabs the offensive items and rushes into the nearest stall. The sound of a flushing toilet soon fills the room, and Alice exits the stall with a shudder. "And good riddance!"

Alice rummages through her bags again, tossing skirts and belts and scarves left and right. Bella stands by obediently, grateful she met someone to tell her how she should look. Suddenly, Alice shrieks, her oddly-colored eyes sparkling with joy. "Here – put this on! Edward will absolutely love it!"

"Who's Edward?" Bella inquires inquiringly.

"Oh, Bella!" Alice laughs cheerfully, the tinkling sound echoing around them. "You ask the silliest questions!"

"You're right." Bella ducks her head, embarrassed. "Everyone knows we're meant to be together."

"Exactly!" Alice gently shoves Bella into the largest of the five stalls. "So go get ready so I can introduce you to him!"

Bella stumbles into the stall and almost falls head-first into the toilet, but Alice grabs her arm at the last moment, pulling her to safety. Alice leads her out of the stall, tsking at her adorable clumsiness.

"Maybe you should get dressed out here," Alice admonishes admonishingly.

"I think you're right," Bella chuckles amusedly. "Wouldn't want to drown before meeting the love of my life!"

"Besides, you'll almost die plenty of times after you meet him."

Bella looks at her. "What?"

Alice laughs, her bell-like amusement floating in the air. "Oh, Bella. I just love you!"

She strips Bella of her clothes, tossing them into the trash can. Taking the outfit off the hanger, Alice quickly dresses Bella, also applying her makeup, doing her hair, and giving her the full Bella Barbie treatment.

"There!" Alice clasps her hands. "Now you're ready to meet your mate!"

"You really think so?" Bella ponders preposterously.

"I know so," Alice declares airily, turning Bella around. "But see for yourself!"

Looking in the full-length bathroom mirror, Bella hardly recognizes her reflection. Her brown hair is loose and wavy, framing her fully yet subtly made-up face. The strapless bodice is cinched at the waist with a bejeweled corset, accentuating Bella's non-existent figure. The full tulle skirt falls in gentle waves to the floor, and its turquoise blue color is perfect against her pale skin.

"Wow," Bella blinks owlishly at herself. "I look... otherworldly."

"I know, right?" Alice titters with glee. "Am I the best or what?"

"You are the best! But..." Bella lifts her foot uncertainly. "Are you sure about these?"

"Oh, Bella!" Alice giggles delightedly. "They're only six inches high! Jasper could run a marathon in those."

"Okay." Bella loses her balance on the very first step but smiles at Alice anyway. "I trust you."

"Of course you do, silly!" Alice shakes her head all-knowingly. "I'm your best friend!"

Bella ambles out of the bathroom like a fawn on new legs and haltingly heads down the hall to the cafeteria, her stomach growling loudly.

"May I have something to eat?" she interrogates wonderingly.

"Oh, Bella!" Alice wags a teasing finger at her best friend. "You don't need food – you have Edward!"

"I don't know." Bella looks down, insecure again. "I'm not sure I deserve him."

"Because you don't!" Rosalie roars from the cafeteria. "You don't deserve anything because I hate you! I hate everything except Emmett, but I especially hate you!"

Alice rolls her eyes and focuses on Bella. "What she means is that of course you deserve Edward. He's everything you've ever dreamed of!"

"He is?"

"Absolutely!"

"Oh, good!" Bella beams blissfully. "So what's he like?"

"Who cares? He's perfect for you!"

"You're right!" Bella staggers into the cafeteria, barely making it to the table as she looks around searchingly. "Well, where is he?"

"He hasn't come in yet," Alice pronounces pointedly. "He hates attention but has to make an entrance."

Bella nods understandingly. "That makes sense."

"I've got to get back to my table now." Alice grins at Bella, her eyes gentle but fierce. "Everything will be fine, Bella. I've seen it."

"But what does that..."

Before Bella can finish her question, Alice has already started back to her table, fully engaged in her pas de chat. She takes a final bow to muted applause, and the doors to the cafeteria open once more.

And Bella's breath catches in her throat.

The boy... nay, the man who enters is beyond articulation. His beauty surpasses anything in heaven, on earth, or anywhere else in the known universe. His riotous sex hair is an unusual shade of copper or bronze or burnt gold... something beautiful, to be sure... and Bella has the strangest urge to pull on it. And the way he walks... oh, no one has ever walked into a room like that before.

"That's Edward," Jessica breathes longingly. "He's... well, he's just..."

"Everything," Bella sighs breathlessly. Her heart slams against her ribcage, causing some light bruising. "He's absolutely everything."

Edward turns to look at Bella, pausing his indifferent saunter across the cafeteria. His golden eyes meet Bella's brown ones, and her thirsty love pocket throbs thunderously between her legs, turning her white cotton panties to dust.

"Oh!" Bella moans mutedly, nibbling her bottom lip in quiet ecstasy.

Edward huffs and gives Bella one of his trademark smirks. Bella's eyes widen then shut tightly as her very first orgasm ripples through her body, catching her by surprise. "Oh, wow..."

Edward continues to his table, annoyed by all the attention his arrival has caused, and scowls at his family.

"You're such an ass," Rosalie gripes at him obnoxiously.

"Maybe." Emmett leans toward his girlfriend. "But you've got a great ass."

Rosalie slaps him in the back of the head without even looking. "Shut up, you big oaf!"

"Ohhh..." Jasper groans groaningly, holding his head. "Too many feelings... too many feelings..."

"Awww, it's okay, Jazzy." Alice takes his hand, gazing into his eyes lovingly. "Just focus on me... focus on me..."

As Bella finally comes down from her first orgasm, Tyler Crowley approaches her again. "Hi, Isabella! Nice duds."

She looks down shyly, biting her lower lip. "Thanks."

Across the cafeteria, Edward growls growlingly. "Mine," he thinks to himself.

"Yay!" Alice leaps up, somersaults in midair, and lands in a full-out split. "It's about time you listened to me."

"Shut up, Alice!" Rosalie snaps snappily. "You're such a know-it-all!"

Alice laughs, the happy sound a chorus of bells. "Oh, Rosalie!"

"Go get your girl, bro!" Emmett crows as Edward comes to his feet. "Maybe take her in the locker room and slip her the ol' Masen." He wiggles his eyebrows meaningfully. "If you know what I mean."

As Edward crosses the cafeteria to stop Bella from talking to someone other than him, Jasper cringes. "Edward... he's so thirsty for her... I don't know how he stands it."

"Because he loves her!" Alice chirps chirpily, clapping her hands as Edward reaches Bella's table. "Look!"

Edward stands beside Tyler and looks down at Bella.

"Bella," he says edwardly.

Bella seizes, the pulsing cavern between her thighs instantly moist. She squeezes her legs together, suddenly craving friction. "Um, yes?"

Edward runs a hand through his hair, and Jessica, Ben, Angela, and Tyler pass out. Bella watches them fall to the floor and begins to sway in her seat.

"Whoa." Edward gently holds Bella's shoulders to keep her steady, the pads of his long fingers barely touching her skin. "Sorry." He grimaces guiltily. "That's gonna leave a bruise."

"That's... that's okay." She looks into his eyes, their vibrant orbs dazzling her into incoherence. She begins to nibble her bottom lip, and Edward releases one of her shoulders to gently tug her lip from between her teeth.

"Don't do that," he exhales breathily. His sweet scent washes over her like a heady fog, and Bella's lungs forget how to function.

"Breathe, dummy!" Rosalie crows from the other side of the room. "God, I hate humans!"

"Bella?" Edward nudges her gently. "Are you okay?"

Bella blinks out of her trance and forces herself to focus on Edward. "Um, yes? I mean, yes. I'm okay."

Edward chuckles spectacularly. "Do you want to come home with me?"

"Um..." She frowns uncertainly. "Are you sure you want me?"

"Yes." He bends to look in her eyes. "I was incomplete in myself before I met you. But as of today, you are my life now."

"Ha!" The doors to the cafeteria burst open, and a total slut-bag with piercing gold eyes rushes in. "That's what you think!"

Jessica, Ben, Angela, and Tyler spring upright, and the whole cafeteria gasps and points at the blonde intruder. "It's Tanya!"

"That bitch," the lunch lady accuses accusingly.

"Get away from my man, you mousy cow!" Tanya screeches whorishly.

"Oh, no!" Bella whimpers pitifully.

Edward puts himself between Bella and the Alaskan she-devil. "Tanya, what are you doing here?"

"I am here to claim what's mine!" she shrieks maniacally. "And you are mine, Edward Anthony Masen Cullen!"

"Tanya, wait," Edward placates placatingly. "Our families have been close for years. Let's talk about this."

"There is nothing to talk about!" she screeches screechingly. "I have bedded thousands of men in my lifetime. But you... you moody, repressed sex god... you are the one I want, the one I must have and will not live without! And I don't care that you don't want me, Edward – you are mine and nothing in this world will ever..."

A swift, sharp hand knocks Tanya's head clean off her shoulders, silencing her for good. Her blonde dome rolls under the salad bar while her body drops heavily to the floor, creating a dent in the cheap linoleum.

The humans – except Bella, who is too enamored with Edward to move – scream and flee the cafeteria in panicked droves, their voices raised in collective terror. The Cullens turn to look at Rosalie, who is standing over Tanya's body and wiping her manicured hands clean.

"There's only room for one natural blonde in this town," she declares decidedly. "Besides, I hate that bitch."

Edward turns to Bella, rubbing her arms comfortingly. "Are you okay?"

"Of course." Bella stands on her tiptoes and cinches her arms around his neck. "I'm always okay because I have you!"

Edward bends to kiss her, pressing Bella's body against his. Bella shakes and shivers in his arms as another orgasm rockets through her body. Edward holds her carefully so she doesn't fall or break her leg or something, whispering honeyed nonsense in her ear.

When she finally calms down, Edward sets her on the ground, cradling her face gently. "I love you, Isabella Marie Swan, and I want to love you every single day of forever. Will you marry me?"

"Yes," she cries joyfully. "A thousand times yes!"

Edward offers her another smirk, and she leaps into his arms to kiss him again. But she loses her grip on his marble-like body and bangs her head against his shoulder. The force of the blow knocks her out cold, and she goes limp in his arms. Edward gasps then breathes on her, and she sits up immediately, smiling like sunshine as she looks into his eyes.

"I love you, Edward," she purrs passionately.

"As I love you, Bella," he utters erotically.

"Can we..." She looks up at him from under her lashes. "Can we go to your meadow and make love all afternoon?"

"Oh." Edward looks down. "I'm, uh... I'm a virgin."

"Me too!" She grins saucily. "But once you take off your clothes, I'll know exactly what to do." Her eyes glaze over lustfully. "If I don't combust at the sight of you."

Edward grins lopsidedly. "You probably will."

Bella giggles girlishly, and Edward lifts her off the ground and plants her on his back. Bella only breaks three fingers and an ankle as she wraps herself around him, a sure sign their love is meant to be.

"Alice?" Edward calls out as he runs Bella out of the cafeteria's back door. "Tell Carlisle I won't be home tonight!"

"Already done!" Alice tucks her phone back into her purse and claps her hands. "Oh, I knew today was going to be epic!"

"Um, about 400 stampeding humans just watched my Rosie chop off Tanya's head," Emmett reasons reasonably. "What are we going to do about that?"

"Nobody cares, Emmett!" Rosalie slaps him in the back of the head. "Ugh!"

"Feelings..." Jasper moans moanfully. "Too many feelings..."

Alice twirls giddily in a circle, grinning to herself. "Yay!"

Thank God Bella made it out alive, LOL.

Thanks for reading this zany little one-shot. See you later! XOXO