Incredibly dark! Not for people who love Cordy. A little Spike without-a-soul bashing too.
TITLE: She's a Pillow Away.
AUTHOR: VP
EMAIL: [email protected]
RATING: R, for death and swearing.
COUPLES: B/A lightly.
DISCLAIMER: Yeah, right.
DISTRIBUTION: My site. Want it? Take it.
SUMMARY: Dark and deals with death. buffy visits Cordy in the hospital
SPOILERS: I'll just say that Chosen hasn't happened and Buffy dindt see Angel yet. She has been kicked out of her house though, but no Spike stuff. Everything else is game on Angel and Buffy.And Cordy is in a hospital not the hotel. Some things from the pst are changed too. So not total canon.
FEEDBACK: Well, do you want me to write more?
Author's note: I was inspired by a story I read that involved Cordelia and I couldn't wait to see her die. Though, I wrote this in ten minutes beta-ed it in 30. I hope its okay. I just went with it so the ending isn't as I originally planned it to be...
Buffy's POV
I stood above her, watching her breath in and out. She was so fragile infront of me, but still beautiful. She was an angel laying there. Cordelia was always good at playing the queen, being the center of attention. Happily, she stole my spotlight and tunred everyone's attention on her.
Her face was still ravishing as if she never frowned or cried, unlike mine, I can only imagine the lines I have, a story beihnd each one. The scars I have are a rememberence that I was never normal. I never got to be the prom queen, but then again neither did she. And why didn't she? Because I split her vote. Yep, I found a way to get her back. Those days after Homecoming, I pretended that our relationship had changed, but I always knew the truth. Cordy is a tramp, and will always be a tramp.
The rush I got from seeing her face was priceless. She looked like she would rather have had the slayerfest knock her out. I wish it had. Then none of this would have happened. The past few years wouldn't be anything and I might still have him,
I sit myself down in the chair in her room, I can smell him on it. Angel comes to visit his queen every so often to see if she is okay. I can sense his longing for her to awaken, open her eyes once more and talk to him. I wonder if he tries kissing her like in sleeping beauty? Angel feels guilty that maybe he did this to her, but I don't care. She deserves pain. Angel is a loser anyway right? What do I need with a loser? Oh god, who am I fooling? Certainly not you.
I only wish she would wake up so that she would know she is about to die. I want to see the look of betrayal burning in her eyes as she can't stop me. I want to smile gravely down at her as I'm the last thing she sees or knows. I want to explain my motives kind of like a villian does in a movie right before the superhero saves the day. The only difference is I'm the superhero, and she's just nobody.
I might as well tell her anyway. It won't be as if she can stop me. I want to at least get it off my chest. Though, I wish that she'd look at me and know all the pain I've been through as she feels it in my death touch. I've always been the grim reaper in my life. eveyrthign I touch fades away. I want her to know that her Angel can't stop me. He never could.
"Well Cordelia. You suck!" Great way to start huh Buffy? But I don't care. I can feel the tears pricking at my eyes. Why am I crying? She should be the one crying? She the one who is about to die right? I dont think its possible for me to die anymore. Third time is the charm though.
"You get everything. The high life, the clothes, the popularity. Worst of all you got Angel. You got to see him everyday, you got to watch him grow and change. What did I get? A stupid non-goodbye and a few visits to mess with things and a day that never happened! Yep. He doesn't know that I know, but Spike told me.{I hate the Spuffy stuff so this is Spike playing with Buffy's mind to try and manipulate her into loving him. This wasn't souled Spike though.} I dont know how Spike knew, but he did. He informed me that Angel gave his humanity up because once he had it, he knew that he didn't want to share it with me. He'd rather live forever. It's different for you isn't it?" I walked around her and picked up the pillow from under her head.
"He wants his humanity to share it with you!" It wasn't fair. Why did she get to see him everyday, and I didn't. I was forced to sit back and let my life go to hell. My friends kicked me out, the didn't trust me when they should have! And Cordy gets everything again!
And I took another look at sleeping beauty. I wihs I could be her, well not look like her, because my hair is better, but have what she has with Angel. Queen fucking C, gets everything. She got the trust and his love. She got his attention and care even though the curse is still there. She got to know him longer than I did. She gets to see him and fight with him and work with him. Look where it got her, she got to become a seer. She got him to rely on her everyday for visions. Without her he would be nothing.
I want that! I want to be the one he runs to! I want to be the one he can't do without. I want him to brood over me some more. He didn't even come to my grave! But no-he comes everyday to see her. he comes to pray she'll wake while thinking its his fault she's like this. It isn't, it's hers. It's his fault I'm like this. He ruined me for anyone else. Cordy is evil, fucks his son, has a demon god child and she is still the hero. Everyone thinks she was taken advantage of. Everyone believes she is good. I know the truth. Cordelia will always have the same selfish core, but he can't see it.
"You dont deserve his love. All you do is mess with things and screw them up. You lie and bring about apocolyses and he still loves you! He still worships the ground you walk on because you're Cordelia. You're powerful, you've got visions. Most of all I think it's because you chose to become half a demon. Just like he chose to let Darla bite him." It's not right or fair, but it doesn't matter.
"I get stuck with this crappy job, 'calling' whatever. And he leaves me. And you choose it and he loves you for it!?! I've saved more lives than you have. Sorry that I don't think killing is the most fun thing in the world, scratch that! I think killing you will be the most fun thing in the world."
I can't believe I'm going to do it, but I am. She deseveres that. I never thought it would end this way, with me here. I never thought I'd run myself down this road to self destruction. I know it in my heart that I must be good for something, but I can't seem to hold onto the pillow hard enough or push it into her face with enough force. She's still alive and I remove the pillow in defeat.
"You're lucky that I can't do that. I'm not like you Cordelia, I don't kill people and ruin lives on purpose. I don't steal things and break hearts and guess what- I'm not a whore who opens my legs to any guy she can...no wait maybe I am a whore, but thats not the point. I died okay?" I knew I was more arguing with myself than I was with her. I was trying to make msyelf feel better but the more I thought about it, the more we started to sound alike.
"You didn't die did you? You didn't go to heaven and have to come back did you?..oh wait...you did." I was stunned. Cordy did move on to a higher plane and she did have to come back. While I thought I was a demon and came back wrong, she actually did come back incomplete. So doesn't that make me worse than her? Doesn't that mean I am lower than she is? She did, after all decide that she wanted this life. Bravely, she looked it in the eye of evil and embrassed the darkness, his darkness.
"No you didn't!" I argued with myself again "You told him that you saw what he did and you didn't want him! You told him that you saw him kill those babies and you couldn't look at him. You're not like me at all. I loved them both. Angel... Angelus, what was the real difference anyway? They are both bastard idiots! At least I could have sex with Angelus without him lossing his personality."
I looked at her, waiting for her to answer me, but she didn't. Cordy didn't even blink or move. Why didn't she move? Why didn't she wake up and yell back at me. I just want to die. Suddnely my thoughts went back to the knife I had in my pocket. I had brought it in case I was attacked, but deep down I think I knew what it was really for. I was to kill myself tonight. Not Cordelia.
"I hope you're happy." I said it loudly as I stared at the knife, holding it out infront of me briefly. I willed with all my might for Cordy to open her eyes to give me a reason to stab her, but I couldn't because she stayed far away and was safe in her coma.
Suddenly, I heard footsteps in the hallway. I could sense him and he could sense me in that weird way he always could. In moments, I knew he would enter the room and I would have to choose. Would I put the knife away? No, I know that wont happen. Will I kill Cordelia? I can't kill someone else...a human.
"You're not human you know. So technically, I'd be aloud." I whispered knowing that Angel can hear my words and probably can smell the steel as he runs closer to the doors entrance, but he won't find me. The Buffy he knew is long gone. And even if he did get to this Buffy in time, he'd only hate her and distrust her like everyone else does. I don't blame them anymore. They were right. Look at what I was about to do.
'Love makes you do the whacky.'
Now, I know I should have come to L.A. when Angelus was here. He would have given me something other than pain. I could have gotten pleasure from my death if it had come from him. It would have been nice knowing that Angel would have me on his list, 'people I've killed and now regret'. I don't know if he'd want to undo it though. Maybe that's why I stayed away.
I feel the knife slicing into my neck as I cut it deeply, watching the blood poor out from underneath my fingers. I cut into my flesh as hard as I could with the slayer strrngth. So deep that this Buffy even cut bone. I know she doesn't want them to be able to save her. As the body that belonged to her falls to the ground, I can hear him rushing into the room. Opening the doors wiht his vampire power, he gasps in shock.
I know that maybe I wanted to live, but she doens't. I don't know who I am and where she begins. She's my darkness. She's the slayer. I'm just a little girl. I think they're all wrong about the slayer concept. I am not the chosen one, my body holds two people. The slayer and Buffy. Buffy loves life and wants to be happy. The slayer wants it ot end and be free once again. My whole life I thought I was going to win, but as life drains from me, I know she's won. She always wins.
Listending to his staggering breathing, hey why is he breathing?, I briefly wonder if he;s upset about my death. About neevr seeing me again. Maybe I was wrong, maybe he does love me. Maybe he is sad I'm gone. Maybe he wishes he'd come sooner. Maybe he's losing the love of his life. Maybe she just did somehting incredibly stupid, but then I remember Cordy on the bed as I look up to see her with the last once of power she has left. She's still got that pillow over her head. He can tell she's alive though. I know a vampire always can.
I wonder if he'll go to her first. I don't get the chance to find out. My eyes gloss over as I feel my life slipping from my grasp. I don't want it anymore and neither does she. Maybe he did love me once, but she never deserved it.
And finally, I know that I'll get to see what hell was like for him. What it felt to be tortured forever, God knows I couldn't take it on earth. I just hope it's easier down there. I know it won't be; he's not there.
The End
This turned from an angry fic about Buffy killing Cordy into Buffy's suicide. I'm thinking of maybe doing a sequel where Angel kills himself or where Buffy didn't die because she was in the hospital when she slit herself. I wonder though....
Feed Me!
TITLE: She's a Pillow Away.
AUTHOR: VP
EMAIL: [email protected]
RATING: R, for death and swearing.
COUPLES: B/A lightly.
DISCLAIMER: Yeah, right.
DISTRIBUTION: My site. Want it? Take it.
SUMMARY: Dark and deals with death. buffy visits Cordy in the hospital
SPOILERS: I'll just say that Chosen hasn't happened and Buffy dindt see Angel yet. She has been kicked out of her house though, but no Spike stuff. Everything else is game on Angel and Buffy.And Cordy is in a hospital not the hotel. Some things from the pst are changed too. So not total canon.
FEEDBACK: Well, do you want me to write more?
Author's note: I was inspired by a story I read that involved Cordelia and I couldn't wait to see her die. Though, I wrote this in ten minutes beta-ed it in 30. I hope its okay. I just went with it so the ending isn't as I originally planned it to be...
Buffy's POV
I stood above her, watching her breath in and out. She was so fragile infront of me, but still beautiful. She was an angel laying there. Cordelia was always good at playing the queen, being the center of attention. Happily, she stole my spotlight and tunred everyone's attention on her.
Her face was still ravishing as if she never frowned or cried, unlike mine, I can only imagine the lines I have, a story beihnd each one. The scars I have are a rememberence that I was never normal. I never got to be the prom queen, but then again neither did she. And why didn't she? Because I split her vote. Yep, I found a way to get her back. Those days after Homecoming, I pretended that our relationship had changed, but I always knew the truth. Cordy is a tramp, and will always be a tramp.
The rush I got from seeing her face was priceless. She looked like she would rather have had the slayerfest knock her out. I wish it had. Then none of this would have happened. The past few years wouldn't be anything and I might still have him,
I sit myself down in the chair in her room, I can smell him on it. Angel comes to visit his queen every so often to see if she is okay. I can sense his longing for her to awaken, open her eyes once more and talk to him. I wonder if he tries kissing her like in sleeping beauty? Angel feels guilty that maybe he did this to her, but I don't care. She deserves pain. Angel is a loser anyway right? What do I need with a loser? Oh god, who am I fooling? Certainly not you.
I only wish she would wake up so that she would know she is about to die. I want to see the look of betrayal burning in her eyes as she can't stop me. I want to smile gravely down at her as I'm the last thing she sees or knows. I want to explain my motives kind of like a villian does in a movie right before the superhero saves the day. The only difference is I'm the superhero, and she's just nobody.
I might as well tell her anyway. It won't be as if she can stop me. I want to at least get it off my chest. Though, I wish that she'd look at me and know all the pain I've been through as she feels it in my death touch. I've always been the grim reaper in my life. eveyrthign I touch fades away. I want her to know that her Angel can't stop me. He never could.
"Well Cordelia. You suck!" Great way to start huh Buffy? But I don't care. I can feel the tears pricking at my eyes. Why am I crying? She should be the one crying? She the one who is about to die right? I dont think its possible for me to die anymore. Third time is the charm though.
"You get everything. The high life, the clothes, the popularity. Worst of all you got Angel. You got to see him everyday, you got to watch him grow and change. What did I get? A stupid non-goodbye and a few visits to mess with things and a day that never happened! Yep. He doesn't know that I know, but Spike told me.{I hate the Spuffy stuff so this is Spike playing with Buffy's mind to try and manipulate her into loving him. This wasn't souled Spike though.} I dont know how Spike knew, but he did. He informed me that Angel gave his humanity up because once he had it, he knew that he didn't want to share it with me. He'd rather live forever. It's different for you isn't it?" I walked around her and picked up the pillow from under her head.
"He wants his humanity to share it with you!" It wasn't fair. Why did she get to see him everyday, and I didn't. I was forced to sit back and let my life go to hell. My friends kicked me out, the didn't trust me when they should have! And Cordy gets everything again!
And I took another look at sleeping beauty. I wihs I could be her, well not look like her, because my hair is better, but have what she has with Angel. Queen fucking C, gets everything. She got the trust and his love. She got his attention and care even though the curse is still there. She got to know him longer than I did. She gets to see him and fight with him and work with him. Look where it got her, she got to become a seer. She got him to rely on her everyday for visions. Without her he would be nothing.
I want that! I want to be the one he runs to! I want to be the one he can't do without. I want him to brood over me some more. He didn't even come to my grave! But no-he comes everyday to see her. he comes to pray she'll wake while thinking its his fault she's like this. It isn't, it's hers. It's his fault I'm like this. He ruined me for anyone else. Cordy is evil, fucks his son, has a demon god child and she is still the hero. Everyone thinks she was taken advantage of. Everyone believes she is good. I know the truth. Cordelia will always have the same selfish core, but he can't see it.
"You dont deserve his love. All you do is mess with things and screw them up. You lie and bring about apocolyses and he still loves you! He still worships the ground you walk on because you're Cordelia. You're powerful, you've got visions. Most of all I think it's because you chose to become half a demon. Just like he chose to let Darla bite him." It's not right or fair, but it doesn't matter.
"I get stuck with this crappy job, 'calling' whatever. And he leaves me. And you choose it and he loves you for it!?! I've saved more lives than you have. Sorry that I don't think killing is the most fun thing in the world, scratch that! I think killing you will be the most fun thing in the world."
I can't believe I'm going to do it, but I am. She deseveres that. I never thought it would end this way, with me here. I never thought I'd run myself down this road to self destruction. I know it in my heart that I must be good for something, but I can't seem to hold onto the pillow hard enough or push it into her face with enough force. She's still alive and I remove the pillow in defeat.
"You're lucky that I can't do that. I'm not like you Cordelia, I don't kill people and ruin lives on purpose. I don't steal things and break hearts and guess what- I'm not a whore who opens my legs to any guy she can...no wait maybe I am a whore, but thats not the point. I died okay?" I knew I was more arguing with myself than I was with her. I was trying to make msyelf feel better but the more I thought about it, the more we started to sound alike.
"You didn't die did you? You didn't go to heaven and have to come back did you?..oh wait...you did." I was stunned. Cordy did move on to a higher plane and she did have to come back. While I thought I was a demon and came back wrong, she actually did come back incomplete. So doesn't that make me worse than her? Doesn't that mean I am lower than she is? She did, after all decide that she wanted this life. Bravely, she looked it in the eye of evil and embrassed the darkness, his darkness.
"No you didn't!" I argued with myself again "You told him that you saw what he did and you didn't want him! You told him that you saw him kill those babies and you couldn't look at him. You're not like me at all. I loved them both. Angel... Angelus, what was the real difference anyway? They are both bastard idiots! At least I could have sex with Angelus without him lossing his personality."
I looked at her, waiting for her to answer me, but she didn't. Cordy didn't even blink or move. Why didn't she move? Why didn't she wake up and yell back at me. I just want to die. Suddnely my thoughts went back to the knife I had in my pocket. I had brought it in case I was attacked, but deep down I think I knew what it was really for. I was to kill myself tonight. Not Cordelia.
"I hope you're happy." I said it loudly as I stared at the knife, holding it out infront of me briefly. I willed with all my might for Cordy to open her eyes to give me a reason to stab her, but I couldn't because she stayed far away and was safe in her coma.
Suddenly, I heard footsteps in the hallway. I could sense him and he could sense me in that weird way he always could. In moments, I knew he would enter the room and I would have to choose. Would I put the knife away? No, I know that wont happen. Will I kill Cordelia? I can't kill someone else...a human.
"You're not human you know. So technically, I'd be aloud." I whispered knowing that Angel can hear my words and probably can smell the steel as he runs closer to the doors entrance, but he won't find me. The Buffy he knew is long gone. And even if he did get to this Buffy in time, he'd only hate her and distrust her like everyone else does. I don't blame them anymore. They were right. Look at what I was about to do.
'Love makes you do the whacky.'
Now, I know I should have come to L.A. when Angelus was here. He would have given me something other than pain. I could have gotten pleasure from my death if it had come from him. It would have been nice knowing that Angel would have me on his list, 'people I've killed and now regret'. I don't know if he'd want to undo it though. Maybe that's why I stayed away.
I feel the knife slicing into my neck as I cut it deeply, watching the blood poor out from underneath my fingers. I cut into my flesh as hard as I could with the slayer strrngth. So deep that this Buffy even cut bone. I know she doesn't want them to be able to save her. As the body that belonged to her falls to the ground, I can hear him rushing into the room. Opening the doors wiht his vampire power, he gasps in shock.
I know that maybe I wanted to live, but she doens't. I don't know who I am and where she begins. She's my darkness. She's the slayer. I'm just a little girl. I think they're all wrong about the slayer concept. I am not the chosen one, my body holds two people. The slayer and Buffy. Buffy loves life and wants to be happy. The slayer wants it ot end and be free once again. My whole life I thought I was going to win, but as life drains from me, I know she's won. She always wins.
Listending to his staggering breathing, hey why is he breathing?, I briefly wonder if he;s upset about my death. About neevr seeing me again. Maybe I was wrong, maybe he does love me. Maybe he is sad I'm gone. Maybe he wishes he'd come sooner. Maybe he's losing the love of his life. Maybe she just did somehting incredibly stupid, but then I remember Cordy on the bed as I look up to see her with the last once of power she has left. She's still got that pillow over her head. He can tell she's alive though. I know a vampire always can.
I wonder if he'll go to her first. I don't get the chance to find out. My eyes gloss over as I feel my life slipping from my grasp. I don't want it anymore and neither does she. Maybe he did love me once, but she never deserved it.
And finally, I know that I'll get to see what hell was like for him. What it felt to be tortured forever, God knows I couldn't take it on earth. I just hope it's easier down there. I know it won't be; he's not there.
The End
This turned from an angry fic about Buffy killing Cordy into Buffy's suicide. I'm thinking of maybe doing a sequel where Angel kills himself or where Buffy didn't die because she was in the hospital when she slit herself. I wonder though....
Feed Me!