A lot of the jokes in the main body of the story are out of date, but that's okay because a lot of the jokes in this part of the story are out of date too.

Anyway to celebrate the fact that Kingdom Hearts 2 is finally – finally – coming out in Europe (Pity me you Region 1 encoded bastards) we present the Hollow Bastian Diaries

Lana Sakura watched mesmerised as little flickers of electrical charge jumped between the wires of an exposed panel in the Hollow Bastian lift stop. "Shiny."

She reached out a hand to touch the little flicker of light. There was a sizzling sound and Lana was thrown back against the opposite wall. She lay there, dazed for a moment, then got back up, smoothed back her frazzled hair to shiny perfection and trotted over to watch the lights again. A minute later there was another sizzling sound as the whole process was repeated.

Cloud found Squeon sitting on the floor above watching her. "I don't know what it is," said Squeon, "But I find her stupidity soothing. Like watching a puppy."

"I always did wonder what it was you saw in Rinoa." replied Cloud. "What's she still doing here, anyway?"

"Stalking Riku."

"But why would Riku be still here? Didn't he, Sora and Kairi all go home to the Destiny Islands at the end of the last chapter?"

Squeon gave him a withering look. "As someone who has seen Advent Children I don't think you would want to go opening the can marked 'Plot Holes', do you?"

Cloud made a coughing sound that sounded remarkably like "Time compression!"

Squeon looked away pointedly. "Anyway Riku says the backdrop here is much better for brooding than the Destiny Isles, and Kairi is casing the joint for anything she can sell. So they're going to be lurking around the castle for the foreseeable future. You might as well get used to them."

"That's fine." said Cloud. "But if they're going to stay I'd like them to pull their weight. We've got Rain-Coats nesting in the West Tower again. They can help get rid of them."

"Fine by me." said Squeon.

From below there came another sizzling sound. This time Lana-Sakura did not get up. There was a smell of smoking meat.

The two cameos glanced at each other. "I'll go get Aerith."

"You know," said Riku, pulling the popcorn onto his lap, "I find it a little disturbing that we've got nothing better to do then sit around watching old security footage. I mean aren't there people to rescue? Worlds to save? Inexplicably phalanged final bosses to defeat? Merchandise to market?"

"I don't remember you doing any of those things." said Sora, a little snottily.

Kairi bent down over the video machine. "Quiet. Yuffie told me there was some pretty great stuff on here. I want to check it out."

She pressed play and came back to squeeze in between the boys on the couch. The TV screen flickered and then there appeared a picture. It showed a room dominated by a very large mirror. Standing in front of it was a young man with grey hair and green eyes. He was dressed in skin-tight rubber armour.

"Oh Riku," said the boy. "You've been bad, haven't you. Very bad. A bad, bad boy. You gave your heart to darkness Riku, didn't you? You've been very bad. And what do bad boys do… They DANCE!"

As they watched he began to sing, all the time prancing around in front of the mirror, "Check me out in my rubber pants. I'm so hot in my rubber pants. I'm hot, hot, hot in my rubber pants. Check out my moulded rubber butt. Ooh yeah!" He started to moonwalk and then do the robot, bending over as far as possible so he could get a good look at aforementioned moulded rubber ass beneath the tattered skirt that covered it.

There was stunned silence. Two heads turned slowly in his direction. Riku had flushed scarlet right to the roots of his hair. "What? That wasn't me. I was possessed remember. Possessed. That was Ansem. Absolutely no control over my actions. None."

"Uh-huh." said Sora.

"Look if you want to blame anything blame Ansem and his creepy predilection for hot young boys with unbelievably tight, finely sculpted asses Have you seen the posters in his room? He's the only person in the world who actually prefers Raiden to Solid Snake."

"Uh-huh." said Kairi. The boy on-screen was now gripping both butt cheeks in his hands and wiggling them at the mirror as he licked his lips. "Ooh, yeah baby!"

"Well," said Sora. "Ansem, certainly seems to be having a good time by himself. Do you think Ansem might be in need of a little therapy?"

"Hot, hot butt!"

"Oh please, just make it go away." said Riku, burying his head in his hands.

Kairi got up and put in the second tape. This one was marked 'West Tower'.

The screen showed a large, circular room, in which a great many hooded figures were standing, formed into a circle. Behind them was a large altar that seemed to be dedicated to the letter X.

One figure stepped forward. "I am Sloppily-Employed-Plot-Device." he said.

"Welcome, oh Sloppily-Employed-Plot-Device." said the ring of people.

Another figure stepped forward beside him. "And I am Hasty-Attempt-At-Exposition." she said.

"Welcome, oh Hasty-Attempt-At-Exposition." said the ring.

A third figure stepped forward. "And I am 'Suitably-Archaic-Speaking-Mysterious-Stranger-Whose-Physical-Appearance-Is-Clearly-Based-Off-Some-Trailers-and-A-Teaser-Video-Without-Any-Real-Concrete-Facts." He shuffled his feet and looked embarrassed. "Uh, but people usually call me Andrew."

"Welcome, oh Suitably-Archaic-Speaking-Mysterious-Stranger-Whose-Physical-Appearance-Is-Clearly-Based-Off-Some-Trailers-and-A-Teaser-Video-Without-Any-Real-Concrete-Facts-Who-Is-Usually-Called-Andrew." The ring recited dutifully.

"My brothers," said Sepd. "I have invoked this Annual General Mystery for many reasons. First on the Agenda is my fear that we are not being obtuse enough. If we are to succeed in our mission we cannot simply be slightly mysterious in our words and actions. I want randomness, people. I want crazy, gnomic utterings, I want advice that makes absolutely no sense. Do you understand?"

"Yes, oh great and mighty Sepd."

"For exampled. Haae, roll video."

On a screen above the altar a video began to play. It was a repeat of the Sephiroth scene from the previous chapter. When it was done there was some fervent clapping from the audience.

"Now, that," said Sepd, stroking the long white hair that had mysteriously appeared from out beneath his hood, "Is some quality jibberish. Not only was it complete and utter garbage, but it was complete and utter garbage offered with some serious style. We must all try to emulate him, my brothers."

"Yes." Said the crowd.

"Considering the designer that's in it, I doubt that'll be a problem." said a lone voice.

The ring opened to reveal the speaker. A boy with spiky red hair was sitting on the altar eating a banana. "I have a question." He said.

"What is it?" asked Sepd, sounding slightly miffed.

"Why are we making this joke in the first place? I mean, it's way, way out of date. Even Europe's seen Chain of Memories at this stage."

"Shut up, oh Canon-Character-Who-Thinks-He-Is-Better-Than-Us."

"Yeah, shut up Axel." said Andrew.

"Silence, oh Suitably-Archaic-Speaking-Mysterious-Stranger-Whose-Physical-Appearance-Is-Clearly-Based-Off-Some-Trailers-and-A-Teaser-Video-Without-Any-Real-Concrete-Facts-Who-Is-Usually-Called-Andrew." Said Sepd. "We will not dignify it by giving it a name. Ignore it and perhaps it will vanish. Now we must discuss plot bunnies, and punish whoever it was who gave the mouse that coat. But first let us have a full recounting of the most harebrained fan theory we can find."

Sora leapt up. "Eeek! Spoilers." But the camera had closed in on Axel's face. "Today's episode was brought to you by the letter X and the number thirteen." The screen went dead.

"Alright," said Kairi, "Let's move along."

The third tape was marked, "Dungeon" and the camera was positioned so it could look through the bars of a small cell. There was a young man locked inside. He looked rather dapper. He wore a frilly turquoise shirt on. He had cuffs. He had a little blonde pony-tail tied up in a black ribbon. He also had a monkey tail. He was extremely thin.

"Hello? Hello?…Squall? Cloud? Come on, you can let me out now."

Nothing answered him but silence. "Come on, you guys. Look I promise I won't ever squeeze Aerith's ass again…Or anyone else's, I promise…I'll get myself a sword. I'll even consider brooding, a little…maybe I'll even let you kill off Dagger…well okay, maybe Steiner…Come on guys, please?…It's not like I widdled on camera or anything. Come on please."

Still nothing but silence.

"It's just," he continued. "That no one's been down here for months. I'm starting to get a bit worried that you might have forgotten me. I was forced to eat Freya and Amarant." He indicated a couple of piles of bones. "But now all I have left is Quina, and to be honest she tastes nasty."

No reply.

"Please…please. Guys. Anybody?"

"This is boring," said Sora, "What else you got?"

She picked up the next disc. It was labelled, "Final Fantasy VII: Not For Advent Children."

On-screen there was light and movement as someone fumbled with the camera and then…

"Oh Cloud!"

"Oh Aerith!"

"Oh Cloud!"

"Oh Tifa!"

"Oh Cloud!"

"Oh Sephiroth!"

"This a disgusting and disturbing piece of filth, clearly filmed by a perverted and morally bankrupt person or persons." said Riku, his eyes glued to the screen.

"I agree with Riku." said Sora, starting to drool.

"Oh sorry," Kairi blushed a little, "I guess I put in the wrong tape. I'll switch." She reached for the machine.

"No." said Riku. "Leave it on. Er…for scientific purposes. As champions against the forces of evil should know exactly what sort of despicable acts these people will perform."

"Yes," said Sora. "Naked, naked despicable acts."

"Oh Cloud."

"Oh Barrett."

In perfect sinc two libidos keeled over dead.

"Ahhh!" The two boys shrieked and dived behind the couch, burying their heads in each others' shoulders to try and block out the noises.

"Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop!" shrieked Riku.

Kairi hit the pause button. "Okay, okay, they're gone."

Slowly the boys emerged from behind the couch. She pressed play.

"Oh Barrett!"

"Ahhh!" They dived back under the couch.

"Okay this time it's safe."

"Promise?"

"Yeah. Would I do that to you twice."

"Oh Norg the bulbous yellow garden master from Final Fantasy VIII."

"Ahhh!"

She grinned. "There are lots back here, you know. 'The Legend of Zelda: Link's Sexual Awakening', "Space Invade Her", "Metal Gear Solid Three: Snake Eater'."

"I've got to go help Squeon with the king." Riku was already legging it down the corridor, leaving Sora alone to cower behind the couch. Tentatively he raised his hand.

"Yes Sora."

"Can we put back on the tape of Riku dancing around in his underwear?"

"Hot hot butt!"

As Riku was now officially Mickey's human-in-waiting Squeon asked that he would accompany him to see the king when he brought him his lunch. They journeyed deep into the bowls of the castle to where the king was staying.

"I don't recognise that place." said Riku, looking around at the décor. What particularly caught his eye were the spikes and the unidentified rust-coloured stains on the walls. He was sure they had passed the iron maiden a little while back.

"It's Ansem's lab." explained Squeon, "It's where he used to create Heartless."

"Oh, right." said Sora. "I see, so the king must be here eradicating the latent forces of evil and laying the weary souls of the tortured to rest right?"

"Uh, not exactly. He's renting it out."

"What would King Mickey need a lab for making Heartless for?"

"Oh I don't know. It's probably something to do with fluffy bunnies and cutsey little squirrels and teaching the whole world how to smile." said Squeon, despondently.

"I can see that." said Riku, flicking the arm of a grotesquely deformed skeleton out of his way.

Squeon knocked on the door. "Um, Your Majesty, I brought you your cheese, also I borrowed that whip you asked for off Quistis."

Riku glanced at the whip, which was made of black leather. It simply added to the mystery of why the blonde, leggy Quistis had never managed to get herself a canon pairing.

The door opened and Mickey came out to beam to beam at their navels. "Squeon, Riku, hello. Why don't you come on in? There's something I want to show you."

He seized them by the hand and dragged them inside. The bright colours and happy faces smiling down from the many film posters and brochures were completely at odds with the spikes and the cruel and unusual instruments of torture. There were also some hand-written notes scattered around on various table-tops, out of place with all the corporate, hand-written efficiency of the rest of the lab.

"I've been researching the methods Ansem used to create Heartless," said the king happily.

"That's wonderful, your Majesty." said Riku, not liking at all where this was going. "No doubt you'll learn a lot."

"Hah!" said the King. "The only thing I've learned is that Ansem was a rank amateur. Instruments of torture? Cruelty? Leaving people locked up in a dark basement. Kindergarten stuff. I could have taught him so much. There are far subtler ways of creating a heartless. Stand here." He grabbed the whip off Squeon, positioned the two brooders in front of a curtained window and vanished.

Riku gave Squeon a long look. "Oh this is going well."

"Look as long as he's not singing."

A second later the curtains opened to reveal the room beyond. Sitting on a stool in the centre of the room was a chubby, tanned man wearing a small pair of glasses and a very bright Hawaiian shirt. Surrounding him on all sides were piles of wealth, beautiful women and shiny cars. He looked very frightened.

Mickey was standing on the other side of the room, holding the whip in one hand. "Look at it John, isn't it beautiful? Don't you want it? You can have it all if you only see things my way. Now let's try this one more time. What's the most important thing about making movies?"

John looked around a little nervously. "Ar-art-artistic integrity?"

Mickey cracked the whip loudly. "No, John…no! That's wrong. Wrong! Try again."

"A great story?"

Mickey shook his head sadly. "John, I'm not liking these answers. Now I'm going to leave you alone for a while to think. When I come back I want you to have the right answers for me. If you do you can have a Porche. I you don't I'll have to take one of Brad's."

"No." said John, starting to weep. "Please don't do that."

"I don't want to, John, but if you keep on making me upset I'm going to have to. Now you already know what happened to Andrew."

"You killed his fish."

"You made me do it John. You know you did. Think of poor little Dory just flapping around there on the ground. It was so sad. Do you really want that to happen to Mrs. Incredible?"

John made a dive for the mouse but Mickey just cracked his whip and drove him back to his stool. "That was bad John. Now I'm going to leave and you're going to stay here and think. Do you want lots and lots of money or do you want Fro-Zone's head on a platter?"

The curtains closed on John, rocking back and forth on his stool sobbing, "To infinity and beyond."

"Well, what do you think?" Riku jumped. The king was back at his side. Riku looked down. Squeon had jumped rather unexpectedly into his arms.

"He's been a tough nut to crack." said Mickey. "Keeps going on about 'artistic integrity' and things being 'director driven'. But I'll get him. Another couple of days and he'll be signing on the dotted line for Toy Story 6 and buying out Studio Ghibli so they can produce a new series of Recess for us. I've had a lot of experience on this. Maybe you've heard of some of my masterpieces?"

He pointed to a set of framed photos on his desk. The first showed a man in a power business suit ripping the still-beating heart out of a child to devour it. "Michael Eisner."

The second showed a different man, this one wielding some sort of insane torture implement like a fishing rod but with a hundred razor-sharp hooks attacked to it. Skewered on the end of each hook was a carcass. There were some sharks, ants, a racoon, a zebra, two green ogres, a donkey and a cat in a fedora. He was spinning the rod over his head so that the bodies spun through the air. "Geoffery Katzenberg – though I'll admit I had a bit of help from Spielberg on that one."

The third picture was a framed postcard showing a cheerful cartoon alligator taking a swing with a golf club at the largest golf ball Riku had ever seen. "Florida." Said the king. "I'm particularly fond of that one. I just came along and ripped the heart of that whole state and no one even noticed."

"That's nice." said Riku, praying that a swarm of heartless would appear just then so he could have an excuse to get out of here. "Well, I suppose we had better get – " he stopped. Something had just occurred to him. "Your Majesty, could you wait right here. I've got to go fetch something."

He went to the door and opened it. He should have known she would already be standing outside, smiling vacuously.

"Lana-Sakura, just the person I was looking for." He seized her by the hand and dragged her inside. "Your Majesty meet Lana-Sakura."

"Howdy." Said King Mickey.

"Ooh, a talking mouse. How pretty. Would you like to be my friend Mr. Mouse? We can run through the fields together angsting." Lana-Sakura beamed happily at him.

"I'd like to volunteer Lana-Sakura as your new test subject." said Riku.

"Hm," Mickey circled her as if he were considering a slightly stinky used car, or a film that used traditional 2D animation. "I don't know Riku."

"She's extremely dogged and utterly sycophantic. And just imagine how good those author-wish-fullfillment curves would look in a business suit."

"Jimminy Cricket!" yelled Mickey. "I'll do it. She'll be my masterwork. Leave her with me for a week and by the end of it I promise you Riku, I'll have turned her into a power lesbian and have her running Disneyland Tokyo."

Riku suddenly felt close to the verge of tears. "That's wonderful your majesty. Thank you." Then suddenly he saw a trap, not for him but for a dear friend. "But if you turn her into a lesbian isn't there a risk she might try to appear in slash fics with Kairi?"

"I promise you only the most dyed-in-the-wool dykes will even find her attractive."

"Bless you, King Mickey."