THE DIARY OF GEORGE
A SEINFELD FANFIC BY PJAZZ
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
JERRY, ELAINE AND GEORGE.
ELAINE
You're writing a diary? How long has this been going on?
GEORGE
Coupla weeks. I saw a tv show about an English guy who kept a diary hundreds of years ago - Samuel Pep-pys.
JERRY
Peeps. Pepys is pronounced Peeps.
GEORGE
Whatever. The point is people are still fascinated by his life four hundred years later.
JERRY
And you think people are gonna read about George Costanza in the 25th century?
ELAINE LAUGHS
GEORGE
And what's so funny about that, Elaine?
ELAINE
Nothing. (LAUGHS) I'm sorry. But Samuel Pepys was an English gentleman who enjoyed art,fine wines, consorted with gentry, a well travelled bon vivant who had many mistresses. You're...
JERRY
George.
ELAINE
Exactly. (LAUGHS)
GEORGE
I am all those things and more.
JERRY
So your diary's fiction?
GEORGE
Funny. Funny guy.
ELAINE
Where was the last place you travelled to?
GEORGE
Coney Island. With Jerry, last weekend. I had the double fudge sundae.
JERRY
And threw up on the carousel.
GEORGE
It was going round too fast. I complained. Didn't I complain?
JERRY
Vociferously.
ELAINE
Oh the 25th century's gonna love reading about you.
GEORGE
This is my shot at posterity, I'll thank you both not to mock.
JERRY
Posterity?
GEORGE
Let's face it, I'm never gonna have kids. This way the Costanza name will ring down the centuries. My diary, my life in print, is my gift to the future.
JERRY
Be sure and leave a receipt, Georgie boy, the future might want a refund.
GEORGE
Go ahead. Laugh all you want. It's all going in my diary. The future will ridicule your naysaying.
JERRY
Naysaying? I'm a naysayer? I kinda see myself as more pooh-poohing. I'm a pooh-pooher.
ELAINE
Mebbe it's not so dumb. Look at Anne Frank.
JERRY
The Diary of Anne Frank. Great book. Hid away in an attic for years during the war.
ELAINE
All the Nazi's and Gestapo and crazies out to get her. So brave.
JERRY
I tell ya, if I was cooped up in an attic that long with George for company I think I'd take my chances with the Nazi's.
GEORGE
It so happens I have my diary with me. I take it everyplace I go. (READS FROM DIARY) 'Tuesday. Woke up. Ate 4 bagels for breakfast.With jelly. Found I'd forgotten to do a wash, so lounged around in my underwear. Went out to buy the Daily News.'
JERRY
In your underwear?
GEORGE
Well obviously I put pants on.
ELAINE
It doesn't sound like that.
GEORGE
I think it's a given I put pants on to go out, Elaine.
ELAINE
Alright. If you say so.
GEORGE
May I continue?
ELAINE
Knock yourself out.
GEORGE
'Went round to the comedian Jerry Seinfeld's. Helped him with his act.'
JERRY
Wait a minute, I remember now. I asked you what tie went best with my suit. You said blue. I went with the red.How is that helping my act?
GEORGE
It counts.It counts. 'Elaine Benes dropped by, a short nondescript brunette.'
ELAINE
What?
GEORGE
A short non--
ELAINE
I heard what you said. I'm nondescript? What the hell does that mean?
GEORGE
It means you're somewhat lacking in the descript department..
ELAINE
Hey, I'm descript. If anyone's descript around here it's me. Where d'you get off calling me nondescript?
GEORGE
(READS) 'Elaine was grousing as usual about her lack of a man in her life. I fear out of the 4 of us she is the one destined to remain single, alone, unwanted.'
ELAINE
Oh boy, Now I'm really mad.
GEORGE
I'm just telling it how I see it.
DOOR BURSTS IN. KRAMER ENTERS.
KRAMER
Greetings, caballeros!
ELAINE
Kramer, George called me nondescript. I'm not nondescript am I?
KRAMER
Oh no. You're a feisty little firecracker. Pop! Pop! POp!
ELAINE
Thank you.
ELAINE TAKES A SWING AT GEORGE. HE DUCKS.
JERRY
George is writing a diary.
KRAMER
Oh bad idea.
GEORGE
How come?
KRAMER
My friend Bob Saccamano kept a diary. Every little detail of his life - pfffft! - right there in black and white. Then the IRS audited him. Confiscated the diary. Boom! He's doing time in Sing Sing. Tax evasion.
JERRY
Well the IRS nailed Al Capone.
KRAMER
Oh yeah. Bob never stood a chance.He had perfect handwriting too. They could read his diary like a book.
JERRY
Read his diary like a book, huh? Go figure.
KRAMER
The Feds complimented him on his curlecues.
JERRY
Curlecues?
ELAINE
How come we never get to meet this Bob Saccamano?
KRAMER
Oh Bob's very reclusive. He doesn't trust anyone these days.
GEORGE
(WRITING IN HIS DIARY) How'd you spell Saccamano?
JERRY
You're writing this stuff down?
GEORGE
Oh this is meat and drink, baby!
ELAINE
Gimme that.
ELAINE MAKES A GRAB FOR THE DIARY. GEORGE DODGES AND FLEES OUT THE DOOR, ELAINE IN PURSUIT.
GEORGE
Elaine! This is personal private property. A momento mori!
ELAINE
I'll give you a momento, you moron!
***
INT. SUPERMARKET.
ELAINE IS SHOPPING, BROWSING THE AISLES. SHE REACHES THE COFFEE.
ELAINE
Hmm. Colombian Organic Dark roast.
SHE REACHES FOR THE LAST JAR. AS DOES A HANDSOME GUY. THEY'RE BOTH HOLDING THE SAME JAR.
GUY
Oh excuse me.
ELAINE
No, excuse me.
GUY
You like Colombian Dark Roast coffee as well?
ELAINE
(FLIRTS) Never drink anything else. Only Colombian Dark Roast passes these lips.Haha.
GUY
It's the last jar.
ELAINE
Ye-ah. Bummer.
GUY
Look, you have it.
ELAINE
(FLIRTS) No-oo, I couldn't do that. You have it.
GUY
No, I couldn't.
ELAINE
Go ahead. Take it. I'll make do. I can always - make do.
GUY
Okay. Thanks. Bye.
HANDSOME GUY LEAVES WITHOUT EVEN A BACKWARD GLANCE.
CLOSE UP OF ELAINE'S SHOCKED EXPRESSION.
***
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
JERRY AND ELAINE.
ELAINE
And he just plucked it from my hand, Jerry. And walked out of life. And he was so-oo cute.
JERRY
But you let him have it. You said take it. He took it.
ELAINE
It was code. He broke the code.
JERRY
Broke the code?
ELAINE
When two attractive people reach for the only jar of coffee on the shelf they flirt back and forth. You have it. No, you have it. No, I insist you have it. Then, and only then, does the woman say - hey, I got an idea. Why don't we go back to my place and share the coffee?The guy says - what a great idea. They go back to her place.Coffee on the couch.One thing leads to another. Yada yada yada. What d'you want for breakfast?
JERRY
Ah, that code.
ELAINE
He broke the code.
JERRY
Perhaps he didn't know the code. Perhaps the code wasn't so much broken as ignored.
ELAINE
Then he should have read the signals.
JERRY
Signals? You're sending out signals now?
ELAINE
Sure. Single, attractive female shopping alone in a supermart. If that's not a clear signal, I don't know what is.
JERRY
I dunno, Elaine. Signals. Code. This is very confusing for men. We have enough trouble remembering our gym locker combo, or our ATM code, without all this other stuff.
ELAINE
He broke the code and ignored my signals, Jerry.
JERRY
What we need is a universal code recognised by both sexes. Like hailing a taxicab. You stand on the sidewalk, stick your hand in the air and yell 'taxi!' Single available women should put their hand up and yell 'man!' at the top of their voice. Then any man interested could just swoop in.
ELAINE
Swoop in, huh?
JERRY
Swoop in. It would revolutionise dating.
ELAINE
Ya know, Jerome, that's either the smartest idea you've ever had, or the dumbest.
JERRY
What could it hurt?
ELAINE
Yeah well, anyway, I'm out one cute guy and the last jar of Colombian Organic Dark Roast.
JERRY
You still drinking that stuff? You do realise what 'organic' means?
ELAINE
Grown without pesticides.
JERRY
Oh no. That's what they want you to believe. In reality organic means - hey, we left all the bugs in. All the grub larvae.The dirt from the fields. The stuff they normally get rid of - that's what you're tasting.It's coffee flavoured bacteria.
ELAINE
Baloney.
JERRY
And they charge you extra for it.That's the incredible thing. It's like a shoe shine boy rubbing mud on your shoes and saying 'there ya go. An organic shoe shine. 100 bucks.'
***
INT. PETERMANS. ELAINE'S OFFICE.
JILL DROPS OFF A FOLDER.
JILL
The Laymon account. Mr Peterman wants it by Friday, Elaine, please.
ELAINE
Oh Jill, wait. Can I ask you a question - women know about the code, right?
JILL
Morse code?
ELAINE
If two attractive people reach for the last coffee jar in a supermarket...
JILL
They flirt to and fro then the woman asks him home?
ELAINE
Exactly. The code.
JILL
Yeah, I know the code.It happened to you?
ELAINE
No. The guy broke the code.
JILL
The heel. Was he short, bald and stocky?
ELAINE
No. Tall, slim and dreamy.
JILL
Nah. I like 'em short, bald and stocky. Bob Hoskins. Now there's a dreamboat.
ELAINE
Really? Because I happen to know someone just like that.
JILL
Short?
ELAINE
Uh huh. And stocky - with barely a hair left on his head.
JILL
Sounds wonderful. Is he seeing anyone? Cause men like that are one of a kind.
ELAINE
Oh don't I know it.
***
INT. MONK'S.
JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE.
GEORGE
You set me up on a blind date? What gives you the right, Elaine?
ELAINE
Gimme me a break. I'm doing you a favour. Jill is the nearest to a sure thing you're ever gonna meet in your life. Get this - she digs short, stocky bald men.
JERRY
What a coincidence. George happens to be ---
GEORGE
I know what I am, thank you.
ELAINE
I booked you a table at The Ivy.
JERRY
Is this a new career move for you - pimping for George?
GEORGE
Yeah, Elaine. What's your angle?
ELAINE
Can't a friend do another friend a favour for the sake of friendship?
JERRY
No.
GEORGE
Not a chance.
ELAINE
Ugh. Okay, okay. Jill's my immediate superior at Petermans. She has the power to promote any colleague she thinks is worthy of advancement.
JERRY
George scratches her back, she scratches yours.
ELAINE
Quid pro quo.
GEORGE
The Ivy? I dunno. That's a bit pricey for my taste.
ELAINE
George, if I'd left the venue up to you you'd both be sharing a bucket at KFC.
GEORGE
Well she's not getting flowers, tell her that.
ELAINE
Ugh! Gotcha, Prince Charming. Now if you'll excuse me I gotta go powder my nose.
JERRY
Why do women use that expression? Powder my nose? Men know full well there's no powder involved. And nothing's coming out of the nose, that's for sure.
ELAINE
Okay, smart guy. I'm gonna take a whizz. Happy now?
ELAINE LEAVES
JERRY
Elaine's been kinda cranky lately.
GEORGE
Perhaps it's Alexander's Ragtime Band monthly concert?
JERRY
Perhaps.
GEORGE
Guess what, I embellished my diary.
JERRY
Embellished?
GEORGE
I thought my life sounded a little bland, so I jazzed that puppy up.
JERRY
Jazzed that puppy up? What are you, black now?
GEORGE
I copied some readers letters from a porno magazine straight into my diary. Take a look.
JERRY READS DIARY
JERRY
George, this is obscene. Absolutely disgusting.
GEORGE
Uh huh. I think you need to be an acrobat to pull some of that stuff off.
JERRY
Isn't this cheating?
GEORGE
Is that really an issue? Is it such a big deal? I'm a born cheater, Jerry. I come from a long line of cheaters. It's in the genes.
JERRY
Those are some genes you've got there, Georgie boy.
GEORGE
They're the worst in the world, my friend. Quick! Here comes Elaine. Hide the diary.
ELAINE RETURNS.
ELAINE
(NOTICES TENSION) What? What's wrong with you?
GEORGE
Nothing.
JERRY
Nothing's wrong with us.
ELAINE
Were you talking about me?
JERRY
Now why would we be talking about you? Isn't that a little paranoid?
ELAINE
I guess so. I tell ya, what with George's nondescript crack and that supermarket jerk, I'm starting to think I'm losing my sex appeal.
KRAMER ARRIVES
ELAINE
Kramer, am I losing my sex appeal?
KRAMER
Oh no. You're a red hot tamale. Hot to trot.
ELAINE
Thanks, Kramer.
KRAMER
You're welcome. Say, any of you heading downtown? I promised Newman I'd return his library books.
JERRY
I'm heading downtown. You can catch a ride with me.
KRAMER
Giddyup, buddy.
JERRY
I gotta be back by this afternoon. My parents flew in from Florida.
GEORGE
Why can't Newman return his own library books?
KRAMER
Newman's out of town. His mother's sick.
ELAINE
He's visiting her?
KRAMER
Nope. He's out of town to avoid visiting her.
JERRY
That's a shock.
ELAINE
That Newman's a heartless creep?
JERRY
No, it's a shock Newman can read.
***
INT. NEW YORK LIBRARY.
JERRY AND KRAMER APPROACH THE DESK. KRAMER REMOVES BOOKS FROM A BAG.
THEY'RE FILTHY, COVERED IN FOOD STAINS.
JERRY
Kramer, look at the state of those books! They're covered in food. That looks like pizza, congealed ravioli, spaghetti...some kind of yoghurt...I think that's anchovies.
KRAMER
Newman likes to eat while he's reading.
JERRY
What's he do - use the books as plates? Oh Newman is in big trouble.
LIBRARIAN
Can I help you?
KRAMER
Yeah. We're returning these books for a friend.
JERRY
An aquaintance. A distant aquaintance.
LIBRARIAN
(SMEARED WITH PIZZA SAUCE) Oh dear.Yuck. This won't do at all, Mister (CHECKS COMPUTER) Mister Seinfeld.
JERRY
What?No, no. These are Newman's books.
LIB
According to the computer records these books were issued to a card belonging to a Jerry Seinfeld.
KRAMER
Oh yeah. I remember now. I loaned Newman my library card which I borrowed from---
JERRY
From me. This is just great, Kramer. Now it looks like I'm the one messed up the books.
KRAMER
Relax, Jerry. They'll just fine you. Big institution like this. Must happen all the time. Tell you what, whatever the fine is I'll pay half.
JERRY
That's real big of you.
LIB
I'm going to have to speak to my superior, Lt. Bookman. (LEAVES)
JERRY
Bookman? Why does that name sound familiar? Oh no, Tropic of Cancer, Henry Miller. Bookman's the Library cop. He hates my guts.
BOOKMAN
Well well, Seinfeld. I might have known. What's the deal, Maureen?
LIB
Defacing library books. A direct violation of New York City Public Library bylaw number---
BOOKMAN
6737374/756. That's a serious offence. Thank you, Maureen, I'll handle it from here.
MAUREEN LEAVES
BOOKMAN
Nice girl. Likes to cruise bars after work. Nothing wrong with that. Long as she turns up for work in the morning I don't care how many sailors she picks up.
JERRY
Listen, this is all a big mistake. It's not my fault.
BOOKMAN
Of course not. It's never your fault, I hear it from punks like you all the time. Responsibility? That's for squares. You see this badge? It says New York City Public Library. Looks like it's made outta tin, don't it?
Well it is made out of tin. But it's what it stands for is important. It represents the United States of America. Uncle Sam. The Star Spangled Banner. Old Glory. Iwo Jima.The Battle of the Bulge. A Babe Ruth home run. JFK getting his brains splattered over Dealy Plaza. And you want to spit on this badge.
JERRY
I don't want to spit on your badge!I don't want to spit on anything.Look, Whatever the fine is I'll pay it. I just wanna get out of here.
BOOKMAN
Yeah. That's what I thought. Think you can buy your way out of anything. I saw a lot of that in the 60s. What's the busfare to Canada, Daddio? Hell no we won't go. Hey hey LBJ how many library books you deface today? Well your money's no good here, punk. I can't be bought. Nor can the New York City Public Library. You're going down, my friend. Tough love. You're gonna pay your debt to society with decent honest graft. Atten-shun!
***
INT. THE IVY.
GEORGE AND JILL.
JILL
You're an architect? Elaine didn't mention that.
GEORGE
Didn't she? Intimidated, poor girl.
JILL
Have you always been an achitect?
GEORGE
I was a marine biologist for a short while. But it didn't work out. You seen one fish you seen 'em all.
JILL
Would I know any of your architechtural designs?
GEORGE
Possibly. You know the new Lourve extension?
JILL
The Lourve? In Paris, France? You designed that?
GEORGE
No. But I saw a photograph of it once. It was okay. If you like flashy. Me, I prefer good old bricks and mortar. Four solid walls.
JILL
And windows.
GEORGE
Of course, windows. Very important windows.
JILL
For seeing out.
GEORGE
Well naturally for seeing out. I was thinking more anaesthetically.
JILL
You mean aesthetically?
GEORGE
Whatever.
JILL
Did you design the apartment building where you live?
GEORGE
Parts of it, yes. Mainly my room. The layout of the...chairs. And so forth.
JILL
I'd love to see it.
GEORGE
Well the night is still young. Listen, I've got to visit the rest room. Feel free to order dessert. Try and keep it under 20 bucks, this place is a rip off joint.
GEORGE LEAVES.
HIS DIARY IS LEFT ON THE TABLE.
JILL NOTICES THE DIARY AND PICKS IT UP.
***
ITN. NYC LIBRARY.
JERRY AND KRAMER ARE DRESSED IN BRIGHT ORANGE COVERALLS, THE KIND CONVICTS WEAR. THEY ARE SWEEPING THE FLOORS.
JERRY
Newman! Newman! When I get hold of that---
KRAMER
Hey, I found a quarter. My lucky day.
JERRY
You call this your lucky day? D'you know how big this place is? We're gonna be sweeping it forever.
KRAMER
Tell you what,buddy. Let's split up. I'll go do Reference A-j. You handle Fiction G-M. We'll meet in Biography R-Z.
KRAMER LEAVES.
JERRY
Newman! Newman!
JERRY'S PARENTS ENTER.
MA
Jerry? Omigod, what are you doing?
JERRY
Ma? What are you doing here?
PA
Elaine told us you'd be at the library. Son, is the best job you could find - a janitor?
JERRY
I'm not a janitor! It's a long story, but there's this library cop who hates my guts. He won't let me pay a fine. He says I gotta work it off sweeping floors.
MA
Oh Jerry, you can't afford a library fine? I'm going to write you a cheque for a thousand dollars right now.
JERRY
Ma, I don't need your money. Go on home. I'll be finished in a few hours.
BOOKMAN ENTERS
BOOKMAN
You slacking off, Seinfeld? Put your back into it. You're going nowhere till this place is spotless.
PA
Hey, you can't treat my son like this. Whatever the fine is we'll be happy to pay it.
BOOKMAN
Oh you will, huh?
***
INT. THE IVY.
GEORGE RETURNS FROM THE LOO TO FIND JILL PUTTING ON HER COAT.
GEORGE
We leaving already? I haven't had dessert.You know, they'll add it to the bill.
JILL
(COLDLY) I'm leaving. I don't care about you.
GEORGE NOTICES OPEN DIARY
GEORGE
Oh no! You didn't read my diary, did you?
JILL
You're a sick sick man.
GEORGE
Listen, that's all lies. A pack of lies. I didn't do any of those things.I'm not even a architect. And I can barely touch my toes.
GEORGE MAKES FEEBLE ATTEMPT TO TOUCH HIS TOES.
JILL
So you're not a pervert, just a liar?
GEORGE
Exactly. I'm a liar. My whole life is one long lie. I'm famous for it. Ask any of my friends. I'm drowning in dishonesty. And any schmuck can be a pervert. A liar takes years of practice and dedication, twisting every fibre of my being in to one tight knot of unrelenting deceit.
JILL
Goodbye, George. (LEAVES)
GEORGE
Wait. You didn't tell me where to send your half of the cheque.
***
INT. NYC LIBRARY.
JERRY AND HIS FATHER AND MOTHER ARE ALL IN ORANGE COVERALLS, SWEEPING.
PA
You can't do this to us. I'm Morty Seinfeld. I was big in raincoats.
MA
Jerry's a good boy. Tell him you're a good boy, Jerry.
BOOKMAN
Less talking more sweeping.
PA
Some family reunion this turned out to be.
***
INT. SUPERMARKET.
ELAINE IS PUSHING A SHOPPING TROLLEY. ACROSS THE AISLES SHE SPOTS THE HANDSOME GUY.
SHE DASHES TO THE COFFEE AISLE. IT'S FULL OF COLOMBIAN ORGANIC DARK ROAST. SHE LOADS THEM INTO THE TROLLEY - ALL SAVE ONE.
HANDSOME GUY REACHES FOR THE LAST JAR, AS DOES ELAINE.
GUY
Oh excuse me. Hey, you again!
ELAINE
Yup. Little ol' me again. Haha.
GUY
This is quite a coincidence.
ELAINE
It IS quite a coincidence. That's exactly what it is - a coincidence.
GUY
Well this time the last jar's yours.
ELAINE
No,no. You take it.
GUY
I insist. Please.
ELAINE
Sa-aa-ay, why don't we share it? Come back to my place I'll make ya the best cup of coffee you ever tasted.
GUY
Okay, you're on. (NOTICES ELAINES'S TROLLEY) Hey, what's that in your trolley?
ELAINE
What? No,no it's nothing. Really.
GUY
You were going to buy every last jar of Colombian Dark Roast in the store? What kind of greedy person does that?
ELAINE
No, no, you don't understand.
GUY
Oh I understand perfectly. You're a mean selfish human being. Enjoy your coffee. I hope you choke on it.(LEAVES)
ELAINE
Wait. Wait. The code....the code....you broke the code. You broke the co-oo-de....And my signals. You missed my signals.
ELAINE PAUSES. LOOKS AROUND. SHE REMEMBERS JERRY'S ADVICE. SHE PUTS HER HAND UP, LIKE SHE'S HAILING A TAXICAB.
ELAINE
Man?
THE END
***
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A SEINFELD FANFIC BY PJAZZ
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
JERRY, ELAINE AND GEORGE.
ELAINE
You're writing a diary? How long has this been going on?
GEORGE
Coupla weeks. I saw a tv show about an English guy who kept a diary hundreds of years ago - Samuel Pep-pys.
JERRY
Peeps. Pepys is pronounced Peeps.
GEORGE
Whatever. The point is people are still fascinated by his life four hundred years later.
JERRY
And you think people are gonna read about George Costanza in the 25th century?
ELAINE LAUGHS
GEORGE
And what's so funny about that, Elaine?
ELAINE
Nothing. (LAUGHS) I'm sorry. But Samuel Pepys was an English gentleman who enjoyed art,fine wines, consorted with gentry, a well travelled bon vivant who had many mistresses. You're...
JERRY
George.
ELAINE
Exactly. (LAUGHS)
GEORGE
I am all those things and more.
JERRY
So your diary's fiction?
GEORGE
Funny. Funny guy.
ELAINE
Where was the last place you travelled to?
GEORGE
Coney Island. With Jerry, last weekend. I had the double fudge sundae.
JERRY
And threw up on the carousel.
GEORGE
It was going round too fast. I complained. Didn't I complain?
JERRY
Vociferously.
ELAINE
Oh the 25th century's gonna love reading about you.
GEORGE
This is my shot at posterity, I'll thank you both not to mock.
JERRY
Posterity?
GEORGE
Let's face it, I'm never gonna have kids. This way the Costanza name will ring down the centuries. My diary, my life in print, is my gift to the future.
JERRY
Be sure and leave a receipt, Georgie boy, the future might want a refund.
GEORGE
Go ahead. Laugh all you want. It's all going in my diary. The future will ridicule your naysaying.
JERRY
Naysaying? I'm a naysayer? I kinda see myself as more pooh-poohing. I'm a pooh-pooher.
ELAINE
Mebbe it's not so dumb. Look at Anne Frank.
JERRY
The Diary of Anne Frank. Great book. Hid away in an attic for years during the war.
ELAINE
All the Nazi's and Gestapo and crazies out to get her. So brave.
JERRY
I tell ya, if I was cooped up in an attic that long with George for company I think I'd take my chances with the Nazi's.
GEORGE
It so happens I have my diary with me. I take it everyplace I go. (READS FROM DIARY) 'Tuesday. Woke up. Ate 4 bagels for breakfast.With jelly. Found I'd forgotten to do a wash, so lounged around in my underwear. Went out to buy the Daily News.'
JERRY
In your underwear?
GEORGE
Well obviously I put pants on.
ELAINE
It doesn't sound like that.
GEORGE
I think it's a given I put pants on to go out, Elaine.
ELAINE
Alright. If you say so.
GEORGE
May I continue?
ELAINE
Knock yourself out.
GEORGE
'Went round to the comedian Jerry Seinfeld's. Helped him with his act.'
JERRY
Wait a minute, I remember now. I asked you what tie went best with my suit. You said blue. I went with the red.How is that helping my act?
GEORGE
It counts.It counts. 'Elaine Benes dropped by, a short nondescript brunette.'
ELAINE
What?
GEORGE
A short non--
ELAINE
I heard what you said. I'm nondescript? What the hell does that mean?
GEORGE
It means you're somewhat lacking in the descript department..
ELAINE
Hey, I'm descript. If anyone's descript around here it's me. Where d'you get off calling me nondescript?
GEORGE
(READS) 'Elaine was grousing as usual about her lack of a man in her life. I fear out of the 4 of us she is the one destined to remain single, alone, unwanted.'
ELAINE
Oh boy, Now I'm really mad.
GEORGE
I'm just telling it how I see it.
DOOR BURSTS IN. KRAMER ENTERS.
KRAMER
Greetings, caballeros!
ELAINE
Kramer, George called me nondescript. I'm not nondescript am I?
KRAMER
Oh no. You're a feisty little firecracker. Pop! Pop! POp!
ELAINE
Thank you.
ELAINE TAKES A SWING AT GEORGE. HE DUCKS.
JERRY
George is writing a diary.
KRAMER
Oh bad idea.
GEORGE
How come?
KRAMER
My friend Bob Saccamano kept a diary. Every little detail of his life - pfffft! - right there in black and white. Then the IRS audited him. Confiscated the diary. Boom! He's doing time in Sing Sing. Tax evasion.
JERRY
Well the IRS nailed Al Capone.
KRAMER
Oh yeah. Bob never stood a chance.He had perfect handwriting too. They could read his diary like a book.
JERRY
Read his diary like a book, huh? Go figure.
KRAMER
The Feds complimented him on his curlecues.
JERRY
Curlecues?
ELAINE
How come we never get to meet this Bob Saccamano?
KRAMER
Oh Bob's very reclusive. He doesn't trust anyone these days.
GEORGE
(WRITING IN HIS DIARY) How'd you spell Saccamano?
JERRY
You're writing this stuff down?
GEORGE
Oh this is meat and drink, baby!
ELAINE
Gimme that.
ELAINE MAKES A GRAB FOR THE DIARY. GEORGE DODGES AND FLEES OUT THE DOOR, ELAINE IN PURSUIT.
GEORGE
Elaine! This is personal private property. A momento mori!
ELAINE
I'll give you a momento, you moron!
***
INT. SUPERMARKET.
ELAINE IS SHOPPING, BROWSING THE AISLES. SHE REACHES THE COFFEE.
ELAINE
Hmm. Colombian Organic Dark roast.
SHE REACHES FOR THE LAST JAR. AS DOES A HANDSOME GUY. THEY'RE BOTH HOLDING THE SAME JAR.
GUY
Oh excuse me.
ELAINE
No, excuse me.
GUY
You like Colombian Dark Roast coffee as well?
ELAINE
(FLIRTS) Never drink anything else. Only Colombian Dark Roast passes these lips.Haha.
GUY
It's the last jar.
ELAINE
Ye-ah. Bummer.
GUY
Look, you have it.
ELAINE
(FLIRTS) No-oo, I couldn't do that. You have it.
GUY
No, I couldn't.
ELAINE
Go ahead. Take it. I'll make do. I can always - make do.
GUY
Okay. Thanks. Bye.
HANDSOME GUY LEAVES WITHOUT EVEN A BACKWARD GLANCE.
CLOSE UP OF ELAINE'S SHOCKED EXPRESSION.
***
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
JERRY AND ELAINE.
ELAINE
And he just plucked it from my hand, Jerry. And walked out of life. And he was so-oo cute.
JERRY
But you let him have it. You said take it. He took it.
ELAINE
It was code. He broke the code.
JERRY
Broke the code?
ELAINE
When two attractive people reach for the only jar of coffee on the shelf they flirt back and forth. You have it. No, you have it. No, I insist you have it. Then, and only then, does the woman say - hey, I got an idea. Why don't we go back to my place and share the coffee?The guy says - what a great idea. They go back to her place.Coffee on the couch.One thing leads to another. Yada yada yada. What d'you want for breakfast?
JERRY
Ah, that code.
ELAINE
He broke the code.
JERRY
Perhaps he didn't know the code. Perhaps the code wasn't so much broken as ignored.
ELAINE
Then he should have read the signals.
JERRY
Signals? You're sending out signals now?
ELAINE
Sure. Single, attractive female shopping alone in a supermart. If that's not a clear signal, I don't know what is.
JERRY
I dunno, Elaine. Signals. Code. This is very confusing for men. We have enough trouble remembering our gym locker combo, or our ATM code, without all this other stuff.
ELAINE
He broke the code and ignored my signals, Jerry.
JERRY
What we need is a universal code recognised by both sexes. Like hailing a taxicab. You stand on the sidewalk, stick your hand in the air and yell 'taxi!' Single available women should put their hand up and yell 'man!' at the top of their voice. Then any man interested could just swoop in.
ELAINE
Swoop in, huh?
JERRY
Swoop in. It would revolutionise dating.
ELAINE
Ya know, Jerome, that's either the smartest idea you've ever had, or the dumbest.
JERRY
What could it hurt?
ELAINE
Yeah well, anyway, I'm out one cute guy and the last jar of Colombian Organic Dark Roast.
JERRY
You still drinking that stuff? You do realise what 'organic' means?
ELAINE
Grown without pesticides.
JERRY
Oh no. That's what they want you to believe. In reality organic means - hey, we left all the bugs in. All the grub larvae.The dirt from the fields. The stuff they normally get rid of - that's what you're tasting.It's coffee flavoured bacteria.
ELAINE
Baloney.
JERRY
And they charge you extra for it.That's the incredible thing. It's like a shoe shine boy rubbing mud on your shoes and saying 'there ya go. An organic shoe shine. 100 bucks.'
***
INT. PETERMANS. ELAINE'S OFFICE.
JILL DROPS OFF A FOLDER.
JILL
The Laymon account. Mr Peterman wants it by Friday, Elaine, please.
ELAINE
Oh Jill, wait. Can I ask you a question - women know about the code, right?
JILL
Morse code?
ELAINE
If two attractive people reach for the last coffee jar in a supermarket...
JILL
They flirt to and fro then the woman asks him home?
ELAINE
Exactly. The code.
JILL
Yeah, I know the code.It happened to you?
ELAINE
No. The guy broke the code.
JILL
The heel. Was he short, bald and stocky?
ELAINE
No. Tall, slim and dreamy.
JILL
Nah. I like 'em short, bald and stocky. Bob Hoskins. Now there's a dreamboat.
ELAINE
Really? Because I happen to know someone just like that.
JILL
Short?
ELAINE
Uh huh. And stocky - with barely a hair left on his head.
JILL
Sounds wonderful. Is he seeing anyone? Cause men like that are one of a kind.
ELAINE
Oh don't I know it.
***
INT. MONK'S.
JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE.
GEORGE
You set me up on a blind date? What gives you the right, Elaine?
ELAINE
Gimme me a break. I'm doing you a favour. Jill is the nearest to a sure thing you're ever gonna meet in your life. Get this - she digs short, stocky bald men.
JERRY
What a coincidence. George happens to be ---
GEORGE
I know what I am, thank you.
ELAINE
I booked you a table at The Ivy.
JERRY
Is this a new career move for you - pimping for George?
GEORGE
Yeah, Elaine. What's your angle?
ELAINE
Can't a friend do another friend a favour for the sake of friendship?
JERRY
No.
GEORGE
Not a chance.
ELAINE
Ugh. Okay, okay. Jill's my immediate superior at Petermans. She has the power to promote any colleague she thinks is worthy of advancement.
JERRY
George scratches her back, she scratches yours.
ELAINE
Quid pro quo.
GEORGE
The Ivy? I dunno. That's a bit pricey for my taste.
ELAINE
George, if I'd left the venue up to you you'd both be sharing a bucket at KFC.
GEORGE
Well she's not getting flowers, tell her that.
ELAINE
Ugh! Gotcha, Prince Charming. Now if you'll excuse me I gotta go powder my nose.
JERRY
Why do women use that expression? Powder my nose? Men know full well there's no powder involved. And nothing's coming out of the nose, that's for sure.
ELAINE
Okay, smart guy. I'm gonna take a whizz. Happy now?
ELAINE LEAVES
JERRY
Elaine's been kinda cranky lately.
GEORGE
Perhaps it's Alexander's Ragtime Band monthly concert?
JERRY
Perhaps.
GEORGE
Guess what, I embellished my diary.
JERRY
Embellished?
GEORGE
I thought my life sounded a little bland, so I jazzed that puppy up.
JERRY
Jazzed that puppy up? What are you, black now?
GEORGE
I copied some readers letters from a porno magazine straight into my diary. Take a look.
JERRY READS DIARY
JERRY
George, this is obscene. Absolutely disgusting.
GEORGE
Uh huh. I think you need to be an acrobat to pull some of that stuff off.
JERRY
Isn't this cheating?
GEORGE
Is that really an issue? Is it such a big deal? I'm a born cheater, Jerry. I come from a long line of cheaters. It's in the genes.
JERRY
Those are some genes you've got there, Georgie boy.
GEORGE
They're the worst in the world, my friend. Quick! Here comes Elaine. Hide the diary.
ELAINE RETURNS.
ELAINE
(NOTICES TENSION) What? What's wrong with you?
GEORGE
Nothing.
JERRY
Nothing's wrong with us.
ELAINE
Were you talking about me?
JERRY
Now why would we be talking about you? Isn't that a little paranoid?
ELAINE
I guess so. I tell ya, what with George's nondescript crack and that supermarket jerk, I'm starting to think I'm losing my sex appeal.
KRAMER ARRIVES
ELAINE
Kramer, am I losing my sex appeal?
KRAMER
Oh no. You're a red hot tamale. Hot to trot.
ELAINE
Thanks, Kramer.
KRAMER
You're welcome. Say, any of you heading downtown? I promised Newman I'd return his library books.
JERRY
I'm heading downtown. You can catch a ride with me.
KRAMER
Giddyup, buddy.
JERRY
I gotta be back by this afternoon. My parents flew in from Florida.
GEORGE
Why can't Newman return his own library books?
KRAMER
Newman's out of town. His mother's sick.
ELAINE
He's visiting her?
KRAMER
Nope. He's out of town to avoid visiting her.
JERRY
That's a shock.
ELAINE
That Newman's a heartless creep?
JERRY
No, it's a shock Newman can read.
***
INT. NEW YORK LIBRARY.
JERRY AND KRAMER APPROACH THE DESK. KRAMER REMOVES BOOKS FROM A BAG.
THEY'RE FILTHY, COVERED IN FOOD STAINS.
JERRY
Kramer, look at the state of those books! They're covered in food. That looks like pizza, congealed ravioli, spaghetti...some kind of yoghurt...I think that's anchovies.
KRAMER
Newman likes to eat while he's reading.
JERRY
What's he do - use the books as plates? Oh Newman is in big trouble.
LIBRARIAN
Can I help you?
KRAMER
Yeah. We're returning these books for a friend.
JERRY
An aquaintance. A distant aquaintance.
LIBRARIAN
(SMEARED WITH PIZZA SAUCE) Oh dear.Yuck. This won't do at all, Mister (CHECKS COMPUTER) Mister Seinfeld.
JERRY
What?No, no. These are Newman's books.
LIB
According to the computer records these books were issued to a card belonging to a Jerry Seinfeld.
KRAMER
Oh yeah. I remember now. I loaned Newman my library card which I borrowed from---
JERRY
From me. This is just great, Kramer. Now it looks like I'm the one messed up the books.
KRAMER
Relax, Jerry. They'll just fine you. Big institution like this. Must happen all the time. Tell you what, whatever the fine is I'll pay half.
JERRY
That's real big of you.
LIB
I'm going to have to speak to my superior, Lt. Bookman. (LEAVES)
JERRY
Bookman? Why does that name sound familiar? Oh no, Tropic of Cancer, Henry Miller. Bookman's the Library cop. He hates my guts.
BOOKMAN
Well well, Seinfeld. I might have known. What's the deal, Maureen?
LIB
Defacing library books. A direct violation of New York City Public Library bylaw number---
BOOKMAN
6737374/756. That's a serious offence. Thank you, Maureen, I'll handle it from here.
MAUREEN LEAVES
BOOKMAN
Nice girl. Likes to cruise bars after work. Nothing wrong with that. Long as she turns up for work in the morning I don't care how many sailors she picks up.
JERRY
Listen, this is all a big mistake. It's not my fault.
BOOKMAN
Of course not. It's never your fault, I hear it from punks like you all the time. Responsibility? That's for squares. You see this badge? It says New York City Public Library. Looks like it's made outta tin, don't it?
Well it is made out of tin. But it's what it stands for is important. It represents the United States of America. Uncle Sam. The Star Spangled Banner. Old Glory. Iwo Jima.The Battle of the Bulge. A Babe Ruth home run. JFK getting his brains splattered over Dealy Plaza. And you want to spit on this badge.
JERRY
I don't want to spit on your badge!I don't want to spit on anything.Look, Whatever the fine is I'll pay it. I just wanna get out of here.
BOOKMAN
Yeah. That's what I thought. Think you can buy your way out of anything. I saw a lot of that in the 60s. What's the busfare to Canada, Daddio? Hell no we won't go. Hey hey LBJ how many library books you deface today? Well your money's no good here, punk. I can't be bought. Nor can the New York City Public Library. You're going down, my friend. Tough love. You're gonna pay your debt to society with decent honest graft. Atten-shun!
***
INT. THE IVY.
GEORGE AND JILL.
JILL
You're an architect? Elaine didn't mention that.
GEORGE
Didn't she? Intimidated, poor girl.
JILL
Have you always been an achitect?
GEORGE
I was a marine biologist for a short while. But it didn't work out. You seen one fish you seen 'em all.
JILL
Would I know any of your architechtural designs?
GEORGE
Possibly. You know the new Lourve extension?
JILL
The Lourve? In Paris, France? You designed that?
GEORGE
No. But I saw a photograph of it once. It was okay. If you like flashy. Me, I prefer good old bricks and mortar. Four solid walls.
JILL
And windows.
GEORGE
Of course, windows. Very important windows.
JILL
For seeing out.
GEORGE
Well naturally for seeing out. I was thinking more anaesthetically.
JILL
You mean aesthetically?
GEORGE
Whatever.
JILL
Did you design the apartment building where you live?
GEORGE
Parts of it, yes. Mainly my room. The layout of the...chairs. And so forth.
JILL
I'd love to see it.
GEORGE
Well the night is still young. Listen, I've got to visit the rest room. Feel free to order dessert. Try and keep it under 20 bucks, this place is a rip off joint.
GEORGE LEAVES.
HIS DIARY IS LEFT ON THE TABLE.
JILL NOTICES THE DIARY AND PICKS IT UP.
***
ITN. NYC LIBRARY.
JERRY AND KRAMER ARE DRESSED IN BRIGHT ORANGE COVERALLS, THE KIND CONVICTS WEAR. THEY ARE SWEEPING THE FLOORS.
JERRY
Newman! Newman! When I get hold of that---
KRAMER
Hey, I found a quarter. My lucky day.
JERRY
You call this your lucky day? D'you know how big this place is? We're gonna be sweeping it forever.
KRAMER
Tell you what,buddy. Let's split up. I'll go do Reference A-j. You handle Fiction G-M. We'll meet in Biography R-Z.
KRAMER LEAVES.
JERRY
Newman! Newman!
JERRY'S PARENTS ENTER.
MA
Jerry? Omigod, what are you doing?
JERRY
Ma? What are you doing here?
PA
Elaine told us you'd be at the library. Son, is the best job you could find - a janitor?
JERRY
I'm not a janitor! It's a long story, but there's this library cop who hates my guts. He won't let me pay a fine. He says I gotta work it off sweeping floors.
MA
Oh Jerry, you can't afford a library fine? I'm going to write you a cheque for a thousand dollars right now.
JERRY
Ma, I don't need your money. Go on home. I'll be finished in a few hours.
BOOKMAN ENTERS
BOOKMAN
You slacking off, Seinfeld? Put your back into it. You're going nowhere till this place is spotless.
PA
Hey, you can't treat my son like this. Whatever the fine is we'll be happy to pay it.
BOOKMAN
Oh you will, huh?
***
INT. THE IVY.
GEORGE RETURNS FROM THE LOO TO FIND JILL PUTTING ON HER COAT.
GEORGE
We leaving already? I haven't had dessert.You know, they'll add it to the bill.
JILL
(COLDLY) I'm leaving. I don't care about you.
GEORGE NOTICES OPEN DIARY
GEORGE
Oh no! You didn't read my diary, did you?
JILL
You're a sick sick man.
GEORGE
Listen, that's all lies. A pack of lies. I didn't do any of those things.I'm not even a architect. And I can barely touch my toes.
GEORGE MAKES FEEBLE ATTEMPT TO TOUCH HIS TOES.
JILL
So you're not a pervert, just a liar?
GEORGE
Exactly. I'm a liar. My whole life is one long lie. I'm famous for it. Ask any of my friends. I'm drowning in dishonesty. And any schmuck can be a pervert. A liar takes years of practice and dedication, twisting every fibre of my being in to one tight knot of unrelenting deceit.
JILL
Goodbye, George. (LEAVES)
GEORGE
Wait. You didn't tell me where to send your half of the cheque.
***
INT. NYC LIBRARY.
JERRY AND HIS FATHER AND MOTHER ARE ALL IN ORANGE COVERALLS, SWEEPING.
PA
You can't do this to us. I'm Morty Seinfeld. I was big in raincoats.
MA
Jerry's a good boy. Tell him you're a good boy, Jerry.
BOOKMAN
Less talking more sweeping.
PA
Some family reunion this turned out to be.
***
INT. SUPERMARKET.
ELAINE IS PUSHING A SHOPPING TROLLEY. ACROSS THE AISLES SHE SPOTS THE HANDSOME GUY.
SHE DASHES TO THE COFFEE AISLE. IT'S FULL OF COLOMBIAN ORGANIC DARK ROAST. SHE LOADS THEM INTO THE TROLLEY - ALL SAVE ONE.
HANDSOME GUY REACHES FOR THE LAST JAR, AS DOES ELAINE.
GUY
Oh excuse me. Hey, you again!
ELAINE
Yup. Little ol' me again. Haha.
GUY
This is quite a coincidence.
ELAINE
It IS quite a coincidence. That's exactly what it is - a coincidence.
GUY
Well this time the last jar's yours.
ELAINE
No,no. You take it.
GUY
I insist. Please.
ELAINE
Sa-aa-ay, why don't we share it? Come back to my place I'll make ya the best cup of coffee you ever tasted.
GUY
Okay, you're on. (NOTICES ELAINES'S TROLLEY) Hey, what's that in your trolley?
ELAINE
What? No,no it's nothing. Really.
GUY
You were going to buy every last jar of Colombian Dark Roast in the store? What kind of greedy person does that?
ELAINE
No, no, you don't understand.
GUY
Oh I understand perfectly. You're a mean selfish human being. Enjoy your coffee. I hope you choke on it.(LEAVES)
ELAINE
Wait. Wait. The code....the code....you broke the code. You broke the co-oo-de....And my signals. You missed my signals.
ELAINE PAUSES. LOOKS AROUND. SHE REMEMBERS JERRY'S ADVICE. SHE PUTS HER HAND UP, LIKE SHE'S HAILING A TAXICAB.
ELAINE
Man?
THE END
***
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