Title: Full Circle
Rating: PG-13
Feedback: [email protected]
Spoilers: Children of the Gods, The First Commandment, The Broca Divide, Redemption part 2
Summary: "I'm trying to tell you the obvious, hon," she smiled, "He doesn't love you - stop chasing him."
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
Details: Angst, Jack/Other, Sam's POV. I apologise if I've committed a Mary Sue - I'm not sure… MCKAY WARNING: No, I'm not horrible to him. He's nice in this story.
Author Notes: Many thanks to NG who continually and happily reviews everything I write - I doubt I'd be here without her encouragement. Thanks also to everyone else who reviews my work - you guys have helped me to be where I am today. Oh, God I'm getting emotional! g Now, get on with the story…
Archive: Heliopolis, Gateworld, Fanfiction.net
~ Full Circle ~
Copyright © Ruth, 2003
**********
For so long, I've imagined myself with him.
For so many years, it's felt like he'd always be there for me, when I needed him. How wrong I was.
So young and foolish, I fell straight for his charms, thinking nothing about the future and what it could hold, what it would do to my heart when I finally realised that the dream wasn't going anywhere, that we weren't going anywhere.
For five whole years I believed in it, in him, in us. He was always there, my rock, my constant - and now he's been taken straight from under my hand. My touchstone suddenly isn't there any longer, and it's
only just beginning to dawn on me how much I needed him. How much I still need him.
I must sound so stupid. Like a little schoolgirl crying over the loss of her first love, her first crush. For that I apologise, but I just feel so…empty. There's a part of me that's been his for five years, but now I've got it back, and I have no idea what to do with it.
We've come full circle, he and I. In the beginning, we near despised each other - despite our banter at the briefing room table that first morning, I came to respect him, to believe in him. To love him. Now, we're right back at the start. He won't talk to me - it's like he doesn't know me. Nothing could be further from the truth.
I opened my heart to him, let him into my soul. We were intimate without having to be intimate sexually, without even sharing a bed together. Just a few stolen kisses, the longing gazes and the gentle touch of a hand spoke volumes to me about the way he was feeling, without him ever having to tell me.
Perhaps that's why we went wrong. Our level of communication must have only been about ten percent verbal, at the most. We relied on our emotions and friendship to see us through the tough times. He never was very good with words. Always sounding brash when he meant to be kind, always losing his temper when he merely meant to scold.
And I learned to love him the way he was. Damn, he was a royal pain in the ass - but he was mine. With Jack, I had a home, I had a future. Now I've been left out in the rain again, with no one. Just like it was
with Jonas, but this time it hurts a lot more.
You must be confused, so I'll start from the beginning. I hope you'll come to understand.
~~~~~~~~~~ January 10th, 2003 (One year earlier) ~~~~~~~~~~
He waltzed in that morning, the same old Jack, the same old Colonel. He grinned at Teal'c, waved at Daniel and smiled at me, that smile I treasured, held close to my heart and desperately hoped was reserved only for me.
It was an average briefing, though I could tell he was bored. He would always clear his throat, shift about in his chair. His feet would bump into mine beneath the table, and for a moment I would look at him. My face would tell him one thing, my eyes another.
He always had that effect on me. I would start off in the morning feeling totally rational and military-ish, but after spending a day with him, I would be different. Sometimes this was a good thing, others it was
bad.
When the briefing was over, he was practically running out of the room when Hammond stopped us.
"Colonel, I'd like you to know that we have a new officer joining us tomorrow. A colonel."
"Really?" He'd said, his face a painful grimace. I imagined that he was thinking about welcoming lunches, going for drinks after work. I was impressed that he didn't cringe.
"She's a fine officer, Jack. Transferred from the Pentagon, would you believe?"
"She?" Jack had squeaked. That was the point where I'd wanted to hit him. He was such a man, found it hard to believe that a woman could transfer into the military. He should've learned his lesson with me. No such luck.
"Yes, son," Hammond had smiled, "A woman. I'll expect you and SG-1 to meet her, sort of…"
"Babysitting duties?" Jack had snidely replied.
Hammond had snorted. This was so out of character for him that I had almost jumped.
"I don't think you'll be needing to do that," he smiled, "Dismissed."
The next morning, we realised what Hammond was talking about.
Colonel Welling was not a woman to be messed with. She was fairly tall, just a head short of Jack, with brown hair that was curly and always pulled back into a tight plait on the back of her head. Her eyes were the most beautiful deep brown, like Jack's, and her figure was…how could I put this? She wasn't
fat, but she was definitely bigger than I was. Jack said she was well proportioned. I didn't really care.
I was already put out - the fact that we had another female officer joining us was bothering me. Call me jealous if you will, but it was kind of nice being the highest-ranking female officer at the SGC. Now I've been knocked off of my pedestal. Probably serves me right.
Don't be so stupid, I thought, the guys here are your friends - they'll always be your friends, no matter how many attractive new officers come here!
Just over one month later, however, I was beginning to doubt my lenience.
~~~~~~~~~~ February 13th, 2003 ~~~~~~~~~~
Ms Welling had been with us now for just over a month and she'd already managed to put my back up.
We went out for a drink - celebrating her first successful month with the SGC and welcoming her into our inner circle.
I never got a first-month party. It took almost a year before Colonel O'Neill properly accepted me into SG-1, and even then there was no big thing made of it. Dear, Sam - you're turning into the green-eyed
monster!
She and Jack were over at the bar, ordering our drinks. Damn, I couldn't help but feel jealous of her.
She'd taken her hair down - chocolate brown and shiny, cascading in voluptuous curls to her shoulders. She was wearing a pale pink top with a v-neck, and a loose flowery skirt. She was beautiful.
As I looked down at myself, clad in the same black coat, black trousers, black t-shirt, I felt old. I know there's never been anything real between myself and Jack, nothing other than the touch of a hand, but still - it feels as if everything we ever had has just been taken away by that woman. I didn't even know her name.
As they came back over to our table, I tried to swallow my jealousy and get to know her a little better.
"So…Debbie," Jack had grinned, "Tell us about yourself!"
My good intentions vanished. Debbie? So now he was on a first-name basis? I felt my blood beginning to boil, and raised the glass to my lips in an attempt to stem my anger.
"Oh, I don't want to bore you!" she smiled, and giggled the obnoxious laugh that I had come to despise.
"Nah, that's Carter's job," Jack had replied, shooting a grin my way. I sent him one back, but it was one of the hardest things I've ever done.
Boring? He thinks I'm boring. More boring than Debbie, anyway! I set the glass back down on the table and cast a look at Teal'c. He looked like his eyes were beginning to glaze over, and that thought made me smile. Not everyone was infatuated with Debbie, then.
The rest of the night passed without incident, but as I turned around to say goodnight to Jack I saw him standing close to Debbie, whispering something in her ear. She giggled, and they both looked at me.
Without so much as a goodnight to anyone, I left the bar and quickly crossed the parking lot to my bike. I knew that I shouldn't have been riding it after drinking, but all I cared about was getting away from that place, away from that woman.
As soon as I got home, I shut the door behind me and closed my eyes. Calm down, I thought, you've just had a bad day and she's made it worse.
Consoling myself with this, I went into the bathroom with a shot of whisky and attempted to relax in a bubble bath. However, I knew before I even entered the bathroom that this would not work, and so when I emerged half an hour later just as angry as I was before, I knew that the only cure was to bury myself in
some work.
So I did. For five hours.
~~~~~~~~~ February 20th, 2003 ~~~~~~~~~~
Jack had a valentine's card from someone this year. Well, gee, I wonder who it could have possibly have been from. Deborah, perhaps?
Well, now I really am being bitchy.
After the incident at the bar, I have noticed a bit of a change in Jack. He's become more energetic, his eyes are a lot brighter and he's generally behaving in a good manner - that is, with everyone except me. He's comparing me to Debbie now, all of the time.
Take yesterday, for instance. He wanted to go on an 'SG-1 bonding trip' apparently, though I expect it would have just been Danny, Teal'c and myself watching the two of them slobber all over each other for the entire night. He suggested a trip to the cinema, which he knows is not my favourite destination, and suggested an equally appalling film to go and see. When I politely declined his offer, he told me that I was boring, and how he wished I could be a bit more like Debbie.
I held my tongue this time - next time he might not be so lucky. Next time, he's going to get his life history read to him.
As I sat at home last night, trying to finish a report, my mind drifted again to Jack. I remembered the time when we were stranded in Antarctica together, when he was so badly hurt and we were both dying of hypothermia. I suppose our relationship developed from that point on, all the way through five or six years, and now it's suddenly become nonexistent again.
~~~~~~~~~~March 15th, 2003~~~~~~~~~~
I'd like to be able to tell you that I like Debbie - that I don't have a problem with her at all when she's on her own. I'm sorry, but that would just be a lie. I'm not used to these feelings of jealousy that I'm experiencing, and I don't like them. Maybe that's why he's changed - maybe it leaks out of my pores. It's just that for as long as I can remember, he's been a good friend to me. He's made me laugh, taught me how to be a fine officer but also a friend.
In the month that has gone by, Jack and Debbie have got closer - but Jack and I have been drifting further apart.
To tell you the truth, I'm scared. I'm scared of being alone, of not being with him any more. I know that I've always been the geeky scientist that he didn't want on his team, let alone as his 2IC, but I know that he got over that - he came to respect me for the person that I was.
What has changed?
I'll tell you what's changed - Debbie has changed. She's changed everything, and it's all worked to her advantage.
What I wasn't prepared for was the realisation that my feelings for my commanding officer were totally unrequited. That came in the form of a school-cliché moment in the locker room after my latest mission with SG-1.
~~~~~~~~~~The Locker Room~~~~~~~~~~
I'd stepped into the shower and was letting the water droplets cascade down my back, the scalding temperature helping to clear my mind as well as my body from the thoughts that were certain to drive me
insane.
What I failed to notice as I was in the shower was that Debbie had entered and was standing just out of my sight in the corner of the room. I slowly shampooed my hair, enjoying the smell of honeysuckle and
the warmth of the water on my body.
Debbie just stood there, watching and waiting.
When I got out of the shower and went over to my locker, I turned around with a start to realise that I was
being watched, and that I was being watched by Debbie.
"What the hell are you doing in here?" I remember I asked, my voice more of a squeak.
"Same thing you are, hon," she replied in her silky voice.
I turned my back to her and tried to get dressed.
"That's an interesting scar you've got there on your shoulder, hon," Debbie had continued, "How'd that
happen?"
I wasn't about to tell her that Jonas had taken a knife to me during the third week of our engagement - I hadn't told anybody that, apart from Jack, and she was certainly not going to know.
"I…I had an accident," I had lied, pulling on my trousers and hoping that she would leave.
"An accident involving a knife and your fiancé?" she'd smirked.
I bit my lip and forced myself not to turn around.
"Jack told me," she had smiled, "He told me that you used to have some trouble."
"Did he now?" I asked, trying to stem the flow of fear and hate that rose in me at the same time.
"Yes," Debbie had continued, with that smirk plastered on her face, "He's told me a lot about you."
I pulled my tank top over my head and sat down, still trying to ignore her.
"He's dreadfully embarrassed, you know."
I frowned. "Embarrassed of what?"
"Of having his 2IC trail around behind him with her tongue hanging out for all these years!" Debbie
concluded.
I still remember the look of pleasure on her face when she said that to me. I remember how that shot went home, and I blushed bright red.
"He's really not interested, you know," she hadn't finished yet, "There's just so much about you that he doesn't like."
"There's also a lot about he that he does," I said defensively.
Debbie had folded her arms and looked at me carefully.
"Name something," she challenged, "In fact, name three things and I'll give you an award!"
"He likes the way he can depend on me," I said, hoping that my voice did not betray the fear that I felt.
"He likes the way that I'm not afraid to say what's on my mind," I continued.
Debbie laughed.
That laugh has stayed with me for all of this time.
"He likes the way that you talk constantly about something he never understands?" Another giggle, "He likes the way that he can depend on you to get captured and infested by a Goa'uld symbiote at least once every year?"
I swallowed. Damn this woman - why was she doing this to me?
"Face it, hon, you've never been anything more than the annoying scientist who talks too much and gets into trouble too often. You've never been anything more than that whore who tried to seduce him in this
very locker room in the first month that you knew each other. You're nothing."
I felt like I was back in the fourth grade, being bullied in the school toilets.
"Go to hell," I'd somehow managed to choke out.
"Oh, don't take my word for it," Debbie had continued, taking a tape recorder from her pocket and chucking it to me, "Go ahead and have a listen!"
I'd stood there with the miniscule player in my hand, wishing that she would leave me alone. After a while, I realised that she wasn't going to and reluctantly pressed the play button.
"Carter?" It was the Colonel's voice. I had instantly wondered about sabotage, if Debbie had somehow managed to superimpose his voice into the recording.
"She's just so…boring, I suppose the word is. She spends all of her time shut up in that lab of hers doing science projects - like the proper high school geek."
My heart had plummeted at these words. I still wasn't sure whether I could believe that the Colonel himself had said this, or if it was just a horrible trick that Debbie had devised to get me out of the way.
"My type? No! I wouldn't date her, she's not my type at all. No, I'd like to date someone with a social life."
I pressed the stop button, and looked at Debbie.
"Just exactly what are you trying to achieve?" I had asked.
"I'm trying to tell you the obvious, hon," she smiled, "He doesn't love you - stop chasing him."
She leant over me and pressed the play button again.
"And the techno babble! Agh, will she ever shut up? You know, she once had a conversation with me for fifteen minutes and I actually fell asleep and she didn't notice. It's just…it's actually become annoying over the years. That, and her being occupied by a Goa'uld ever year."
I pressed stop again, this time I'd had enough. Pulling on my jacket and grabbing the tape recorder, I left the locker room and ran for the safety and sanctuary of my lab.
~~~~~~~~~~20th June, 2003~~~~~~~~~~
Three months later, and I was still at the SGC. I was still having to watch Jack and Debbie swooning over each other, and I still had that tape recorder in my lab. The pain was beginning to soften now, but only just, and it was still there every time I looked at him.
Every time, I could hear his voice in my head, saying that I was boring and how he wished that I would shut up. This did not make it easy for me to get on with him, and even General Hammond was beginning to notice some friction between us.
So much, in fact, that I was called into his office for a 'talk.'
~~~~~~~~~~General Hammond's Office~~~~~~~~~~
"Major, please have a seat," the General had said, a serious expression upon his face.
"Yes, sir," I replied.
"Major, I have noticed that you and Colonel O'Neill have been experiencing a few difficulties with regard to communication, and with your working together."
"Yes, sir," I had replied again, like a parrot.
"Can you shed any light on this for me, or am I going to have to call Colonel O'Neill in here myself?"
"General, there isn't really anything to explain," I had said, squirming in my seat and trying to throw him. It really didn't work.
"Major, I'm not a fool. If you are having trouble with Colonel O'Neill, then I can transfer him…"
"No!" I said, suddenly, surprising even myself, "If you're going to transfer one of us, make it me."
"Major, what's brought all this on?" Hammond asked me carefully, "I just…"
He was interrupted by the phone ringing. As he sat there and spoke, I tried to think of a way that I could get out of my current situation. None seemed to arise, and I was preparing myself for a full dressing-down from Hammond until he put the phone down.
"Major, I'm afraid that this news is going to irritate you." He said. I knew what he was talking about before the words were even out of his mouth - or rather, who he was talking about.
~~~~~~~~~~ Carter's Lab ~~~~~~~~~~
I know what you're going to think. Yes, I suppose I'm hiding from the inevitable. Running from the truth. He will be here any minute and he couldn't have had worse timing. Why the Russians repeatedly keep shipping him back and forth is beyond me.
Doctor Rodney McKay. Don't get me wrong, he's a brilliant scientist - and hell, I even kissed him the last time we were together! It's just…I don't know if I can cope with him on top of Deborah and Jack. It's not like I have much choice in the matter.
~~~~~~~~~~ The Control Room ~~~~~~~~~~
"Hello, sexy!"
I turned around and forced a smile for Rodney as he bounded back into the control room. Inside I was cringing, as Debbie and Jack were in the corner of the room.
"Doctor, always a pleasure," I shot back, taking his hand and shaking it firmly. He caught sight of the two lovebirds in the corner and looked questioningly at me. I gave him a shrug, and told him that I'd explain it to him later.
His initial reaction had served to raise my mood somewhat. He clearly thought the same of her as I did - and he'd only known her for a couple of minutes. Of course she was soon off on one, trying to turn him against me. If only she'd known who she was up against.
"Doctor McKay?" she asked, moving away from Jack to stand closer to him.
"That's my name," he replied cockily, looking at her with an expression of amusement.
"You must be good at your job," she continued, "If you've been assigned here."
"I'm the best scientist in the world," McKay boasted, looking smug. I tried not to smile.
"Oh, but I think Major Carter might disagree with you," Deborah replied, acidly.
"Yeah," McKay agreed, "That's half the fun of it!"
Debbie smarted at her insult falling flat. I started to feel relieved that McKay was here, and I really never thought that I would say that.
"Come on, Major," he said, practically filling the room with his bravado, "We've got to go save the world!"
With that, he swept out of the room. I had no choice but to follow him, and I noticed that he was heading for my lab. How did he know where it was?
"So…I need details," he said, seating himself on my chair.
"You're as bad as Janet," I smirked, sitting opposite him.
"The wrinkled old fossil?" He asked, "And the woman, of course."
I laughed. Relieved that I could finally talk to someone, I began to fill him in on the details.
"The old fossil and the woman are an item," I told him, "Her name is Debbie, and…"
"And she looks like she could crush a truck between her thighs," McKay exclaimed.
With a snort, I carried on.
"Yes, they've been together for about four, five months now, and in that time she has developed a healthy dislike for me."
"Surely not," McKay quipped.
"Funny. A comedian." My expression was serious again, and I think he finally realised that something was bothering me.
"What's been going on?" he asked.
I sat there, looking across at the man I had once considered to be my arch rival. True, there was still a part of me that was greatly irritated by him, but there was another part of me that liked him, that felt akin to him.
"She's…uh…let's just say that she's been rubbing it in. Quite roughly."
"Rubbing what in?" McKay asked, playing dumb.
"Don't make me say it," I warned him. He held up his hands in defeat.
"Okay, okay, but surely the crusty colonel still likes you? I mean, he still cops a feel now and again? He still stares at your butt?"
I smiled sadly.
"No. She has a…tape of him, saying things about me that I don't really like."
That got his attention. Why the hell was I telling him this? Doctor McKay?
"What things?" He asked. "This could be serious."
"It's not going to get serious," I replied, "I'll just let the two of them get on with it, but it has been wearing me down…"
"What did he say?" McKay pressed. For a scary moment, I thought I could see concern in his face.
"He said that I was boring, that I spoke too much and had no social life. He said he was embarrassed by me."
McKay made a rude sound.
"Boring? Tell him to get back in his bath chair!"
"It's not just him - I was in the shower, and his lady friend was in there watching me…"
"Lucky git," McKay smirked, looking up at me. I closed my eyes in disgust and tried to ignore the mental image that presented itself.
"Anyway, she gave me a tongue-lashing the minute I got out. She said pretty much the same things as him, played me the tape and called me a whore."
"My god," McKay said, genuinely shocked, "She really has it in for you, doesn't she?"
"I hadn't noticed," I replied dryly. "I'm just hoping that she'll get bored of it."
"You shouldn't have to," he said, deadly serious now, "I mean it, Major. I know we haven't always seen eye to eye, but…"
"Doctor, I never thought I would say this, and I still wonder whether I will regret it or not later, but it's good to have you back. I feel like I have…a friend."
He smiled. Not one of his patronising smiles, or one of his 'I'm so right and you're so wrong' ones. It was a genuine smile.
"Likewise. Now, about watching you in the shower…"
"Don't push your luck, doctor," I warned him, even though I couldn't help but laugh.
~~~~~~~~~~ 30th June, 2003 ~~~~~~~~~~
Doctor McKay has become a regular member of our scientific team. Whether this is a good or a bad thing is probably too early to say. General Hammond was quite literally gob smacked when I agreed to working with him. Perhaps it's a testimony to how bad things have got between me and the colonel.
It also seems that McKay has made Debbie's bad list. Her insults roll off of him like water off a duck's back - so why doesn't it do that with me? I try to be civil, but she always cuts me off. Even the colonel is doing it now. I was especially concerned when we had to take on a mission that was expected to last for a couple of weeks.
"I'll kill you now," McKay offered.
"That's helpful," I replied, sitting back down.
"It's just 2 weeks," he said, "How bad could it be?"
I laughed a humourless laugh. He really had no idea. Mentally, I was blessing him for trying to help, but in my heart I knew it would be terrible. At least I would have Teal'c and Danny there.
"It'll be bad." I told him.
"Well, my offer is still open…we could have a lover's suicide." He grinned.
"Now, for that we would have to be lovers," I shot back.
"Hey," he said, leaning back on his chair, "I'm ready when you are, sexy!"
I picked up a heavy book and threw it at him.
"I'll see you in a couple of weeks."
~~~~~~~~~~ The Mission ~~~~~~~~~~
I tried to stay with Teal'c and Daniel for as much time as I could, but someone had the not-so-smart idea of pairing me with her. In a tent. The guys shared one, the girls shared one. I was literally shaking by the time night fell.
Pull yourself together, I thought. She's just another woman. You're being pathetic - it's no wonder the Colonel is getting so irritated. So I headed for my bed, wishing Teal'c, Danny and Jack a good night. She was there, waiting for me. Like a lion watching its prey, toying with it in its moments before death.
"So nice for us to be sharing, don't you think?" She smirked.
"Delightful," I replied coldly, rolling over in my sleeping bag and closing my eyes, trying to shut her out.
"Going to sleep so soon? I thought we could compare notes!" She laughed.
"I left them at home," I said, praying that she would fall asleep quickly. My prayers went unanswered, and she continued to taunt me.
"Poor Major Carter," she whispered softly, patronisingly, "You never really had a chance, did you? Infected with a Goa'uld, cursed when it comes to men, susceptible to alien viruses - it's no wonder he got fed up with you. Your problem is that you're weak."
I bit my lip, trying to imagine what McKay's response would have been. It scared me how much I was relying on the thought of him to get me through the day. I was supposed to hate him, after all.
Sleep did not come my way that night. When Daniel came to wake me for my watch, which was the last, he found me already dressed and waiting. He asked me if I was okay, so I lied and told him I was. He was too tired to question me further.
I sat by the fire, cradling my weapon to my chest. As I remembered her harsh words, like a river of poison in my ear, I felt my body slump a little. A tear began to fall from my eye, but I wiped it harshly away. I was not going to let myself get upset by her, no way.
Lying again, Samantha, always lying. The tears came again, and this time I did nothing to stop them.
~~~~~~~~~~ 0600 Hours, the last day of the mission ~~~~~~~~~~
I had last watch again. The Sandman was throwing no sand my way for the fourth night in a row, and it was beginning to show. Unsuccessfully, I had tried to stop crying, and was embarrassed when Jack emerged from his tent to see me in such a state.
"You been crying, major?" He asked.
There was no concern in his face. There was no worry in his question. He didn't care. He was just looking for gossip to tell his new lover.
"I really would appreciate it," he began, "If you would get over your feelings for me."
I was incensed. At that moment, I wanted to scream. I wanted to hit him, over and over again. I wanted to hit her, I wanted them both out of my life.
"You son of a bitch," I said quietly. As it turns out, it wasn't quietly enough.
"What did you say?" He asked, turning back to face me, his hands on his hips.
"You heard," I replied, standing up so that I was almost at his eye level.
"That's insubord…" he began. I cut him off, the words coming out in an angry, anguished tide that I no longer had any control of.
"I understand that my feelings for you were unrequited," I began, "And I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable, but this has gone too far."
"You're telling me!" He said, his voice raising, "I have a new life now, Major, one that does not involve you!"
"Oh, but it does!" I yelled back, "You keep dredging up the past for the sole purpose of rubbing it in my face. I am OVER you, but you're clearly not over yourself."
"What the hell are you talking about?" He shouted.
"Your sweet, innocent Deborah!" I said, "You and her have been doing a fine job of making me feel this big!" I held up my fingers to show him.
"You're overreacting," He said, frowning, "I haven't said anything against you!"
"Oh, give me a break!" I yelled, "Carter, why can't you be more like Debbie? Carter, you're boring, Carter, you talk too much! I've had enough!"
"You're talking rubbish," he snarled, "Maybe Deborah has been saying these things to you, but I haven't. I just want you to get over your feelings for me! I don't love you!"
I started to cry. Not from sadness, you must understand, but from anger.
"You can't even tell me the truth. Not when you're breaking our friendship in two. Not when you're hurting me so badly!"
"What truth?" He shouted, agitated, "I don't know what you're…"
Without speaking, I reached into my pocket and pulled out the tape player. He looked at it blankly. I pressed play, ignoring the fact that the others had been woken by our argument. The more people who heard it, the better.
"She's just so…boring, I suppose the word is. She spends all of her time shut up in that lab of hers doing science projects - like the proper high school geek."
His face began to pale slightly. The recording continued.
"My type? No! I wouldn't date her, she's not my type at all. No, I'd like to date someone with a social life."
Daniel's mouth formed an 'o'. I looked right at the colonel, who wasn't looking so confident any more.
"And the techno babble! Agh, will she ever shut up? You know, she once had a conversation with me for fifteen minutes and I actually fell asleep and she didn't notice. It's just…it's actually become annoying over the years. That, and her being occupied by a Goa'uld ever year."
I stopped the recording. Jack O'Neill had three pairs of eyeballs looking very angrily at him. The other pair was looking worried.
"I wouldn't have minded as much…" I sniffed, swallowing back another sob, "If you had told me to my face. But instead, you've gone behind my back, you've insulted me, you've made jokes about me, and you've made out that I'm the one with the problem."
"Carter," he stammered, "I…"
"You've stood there and laughed at me. You and your girlfriend have done nothing short of bully me, and I have had enough of it. I am OVER you, Colonel, but I'm not going to apologise for my feelings. I loved you once - but never again. Never again."
With that, I turned around and walked into the bushes. I didn't care if there was an ambush waiting for me, I wouldn't have cared if there was some wild animal lurking in the bushes. All I could feel was pain.
"Good one, Jack," Daniel snapped, and followed me.
"I did not believe that you could stoop so low," Teal'c said, and went after Daniel.
I am sure that the conversation between Jack and Debbie that ensued was not a pleasant one, but it didn't matter to me any more. I had said what I needed to say, it was off of my chest and I felt liberated, free.
~~~~~~~~~~ Back at the SGC ~~~~~~~~~~
General Hammond didn't seem surprised when I asked to be removed from active duty, and returned to my post as senior science officer. He didn't even ask for an explanation, it was as if he had been expecting it. Confused, I questioned him.
"Sir? You're not going to ask me why?"
"I'm not blind, Major, and nor are half of the officers at this facility. I'm sorry for what you've been through, and I assure you that the relevant court martials will be carried out."
I shook my head.
"Don't do it, General. As long as I can work in my lab, with my science projects, that's enough for me. I don't want to watch them suffer."
"But, Major…" General Hammond countered, shocked.
"I mean it, General. Please - just leave them be."
With that, I headed for my office. Well, technically it wasn't just 'my' office any more. McKay, during the mission I was away for, had managed to blow up his own, breaking his arm in the process. He was now sharing mine.
"How'd it go?" He asked me.
"Good," I said, "As of now, I am a scientist, and no longer a member of SG-1."
"That's a little sad, don't you think?" McKay asked.
"I will miss parts of it," I agreed, "But this is a fresh start for me. A chance to begin again, to draw another line - and not to go round and round in the same circle."
"Amen to that," McKay agreed. "Now, about becoming lovers…"
"Like I said, doctor, don't push it. I might have just resigned from SG-1, but there is nothing wrong with my sanity. Or my self-respect."
"Ouch," he winced.
I just smirked at him.
THE END
Author Notes: Feedback is really appreciated. This story is a bit different to my others, and I want to know what you think. Please send it to [email protected]
Rating: PG-13
Feedback: [email protected]
Spoilers: Children of the Gods, The First Commandment, The Broca Divide, Redemption part 2
Summary: "I'm trying to tell you the obvious, hon," she smiled, "He doesn't love you - stop chasing him."
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
Details: Angst, Jack/Other, Sam's POV. I apologise if I've committed a Mary Sue - I'm not sure… MCKAY WARNING: No, I'm not horrible to him. He's nice in this story.
Author Notes: Many thanks to NG who continually and happily reviews everything I write - I doubt I'd be here without her encouragement. Thanks also to everyone else who reviews my work - you guys have helped me to be where I am today. Oh, God I'm getting emotional! g Now, get on with the story…
Archive: Heliopolis, Gateworld, Fanfiction.net
~ Full Circle ~
Copyright © Ruth, 2003
**********
For so long, I've imagined myself with him.
For so many years, it's felt like he'd always be there for me, when I needed him. How wrong I was.
So young and foolish, I fell straight for his charms, thinking nothing about the future and what it could hold, what it would do to my heart when I finally realised that the dream wasn't going anywhere, that we weren't going anywhere.
For five whole years I believed in it, in him, in us. He was always there, my rock, my constant - and now he's been taken straight from under my hand. My touchstone suddenly isn't there any longer, and it's
only just beginning to dawn on me how much I needed him. How much I still need him.
I must sound so stupid. Like a little schoolgirl crying over the loss of her first love, her first crush. For that I apologise, but I just feel so…empty. There's a part of me that's been his for five years, but now I've got it back, and I have no idea what to do with it.
We've come full circle, he and I. In the beginning, we near despised each other - despite our banter at the briefing room table that first morning, I came to respect him, to believe in him. To love him. Now, we're right back at the start. He won't talk to me - it's like he doesn't know me. Nothing could be further from the truth.
I opened my heart to him, let him into my soul. We were intimate without having to be intimate sexually, without even sharing a bed together. Just a few stolen kisses, the longing gazes and the gentle touch of a hand spoke volumes to me about the way he was feeling, without him ever having to tell me.
Perhaps that's why we went wrong. Our level of communication must have only been about ten percent verbal, at the most. We relied on our emotions and friendship to see us through the tough times. He never was very good with words. Always sounding brash when he meant to be kind, always losing his temper when he merely meant to scold.
And I learned to love him the way he was. Damn, he was a royal pain in the ass - but he was mine. With Jack, I had a home, I had a future. Now I've been left out in the rain again, with no one. Just like it was
with Jonas, but this time it hurts a lot more.
You must be confused, so I'll start from the beginning. I hope you'll come to understand.
~~~~~~~~~~ January 10th, 2003 (One year earlier) ~~~~~~~~~~
He waltzed in that morning, the same old Jack, the same old Colonel. He grinned at Teal'c, waved at Daniel and smiled at me, that smile I treasured, held close to my heart and desperately hoped was reserved only for me.
It was an average briefing, though I could tell he was bored. He would always clear his throat, shift about in his chair. His feet would bump into mine beneath the table, and for a moment I would look at him. My face would tell him one thing, my eyes another.
He always had that effect on me. I would start off in the morning feeling totally rational and military-ish, but after spending a day with him, I would be different. Sometimes this was a good thing, others it was
bad.
When the briefing was over, he was practically running out of the room when Hammond stopped us.
"Colonel, I'd like you to know that we have a new officer joining us tomorrow. A colonel."
"Really?" He'd said, his face a painful grimace. I imagined that he was thinking about welcoming lunches, going for drinks after work. I was impressed that he didn't cringe.
"She's a fine officer, Jack. Transferred from the Pentagon, would you believe?"
"She?" Jack had squeaked. That was the point where I'd wanted to hit him. He was such a man, found it hard to believe that a woman could transfer into the military. He should've learned his lesson with me. No such luck.
"Yes, son," Hammond had smiled, "A woman. I'll expect you and SG-1 to meet her, sort of…"
"Babysitting duties?" Jack had snidely replied.
Hammond had snorted. This was so out of character for him that I had almost jumped.
"I don't think you'll be needing to do that," he smiled, "Dismissed."
The next morning, we realised what Hammond was talking about.
Colonel Welling was not a woman to be messed with. She was fairly tall, just a head short of Jack, with brown hair that was curly and always pulled back into a tight plait on the back of her head. Her eyes were the most beautiful deep brown, like Jack's, and her figure was…how could I put this? She wasn't
fat, but she was definitely bigger than I was. Jack said she was well proportioned. I didn't really care.
I was already put out - the fact that we had another female officer joining us was bothering me. Call me jealous if you will, but it was kind of nice being the highest-ranking female officer at the SGC. Now I've been knocked off of my pedestal. Probably serves me right.
Don't be so stupid, I thought, the guys here are your friends - they'll always be your friends, no matter how many attractive new officers come here!
Just over one month later, however, I was beginning to doubt my lenience.
~~~~~~~~~~ February 13th, 2003 ~~~~~~~~~~
Ms Welling had been with us now for just over a month and she'd already managed to put my back up.
We went out for a drink - celebrating her first successful month with the SGC and welcoming her into our inner circle.
I never got a first-month party. It took almost a year before Colonel O'Neill properly accepted me into SG-1, and even then there was no big thing made of it. Dear, Sam - you're turning into the green-eyed
monster!
She and Jack were over at the bar, ordering our drinks. Damn, I couldn't help but feel jealous of her.
She'd taken her hair down - chocolate brown and shiny, cascading in voluptuous curls to her shoulders. She was wearing a pale pink top with a v-neck, and a loose flowery skirt. She was beautiful.
As I looked down at myself, clad in the same black coat, black trousers, black t-shirt, I felt old. I know there's never been anything real between myself and Jack, nothing other than the touch of a hand, but still - it feels as if everything we ever had has just been taken away by that woman. I didn't even know her name.
As they came back over to our table, I tried to swallow my jealousy and get to know her a little better.
"So…Debbie," Jack had grinned, "Tell us about yourself!"
My good intentions vanished. Debbie? So now he was on a first-name basis? I felt my blood beginning to boil, and raised the glass to my lips in an attempt to stem my anger.
"Oh, I don't want to bore you!" she smiled, and giggled the obnoxious laugh that I had come to despise.
"Nah, that's Carter's job," Jack had replied, shooting a grin my way. I sent him one back, but it was one of the hardest things I've ever done.
Boring? He thinks I'm boring. More boring than Debbie, anyway! I set the glass back down on the table and cast a look at Teal'c. He looked like his eyes were beginning to glaze over, and that thought made me smile. Not everyone was infatuated with Debbie, then.
The rest of the night passed without incident, but as I turned around to say goodnight to Jack I saw him standing close to Debbie, whispering something in her ear. She giggled, and they both looked at me.
Without so much as a goodnight to anyone, I left the bar and quickly crossed the parking lot to my bike. I knew that I shouldn't have been riding it after drinking, but all I cared about was getting away from that place, away from that woman.
As soon as I got home, I shut the door behind me and closed my eyes. Calm down, I thought, you've just had a bad day and she's made it worse.
Consoling myself with this, I went into the bathroom with a shot of whisky and attempted to relax in a bubble bath. However, I knew before I even entered the bathroom that this would not work, and so when I emerged half an hour later just as angry as I was before, I knew that the only cure was to bury myself in
some work.
So I did. For five hours.
~~~~~~~~~ February 20th, 2003 ~~~~~~~~~~
Jack had a valentine's card from someone this year. Well, gee, I wonder who it could have possibly have been from. Deborah, perhaps?
Well, now I really am being bitchy.
After the incident at the bar, I have noticed a bit of a change in Jack. He's become more energetic, his eyes are a lot brighter and he's generally behaving in a good manner - that is, with everyone except me. He's comparing me to Debbie now, all of the time.
Take yesterday, for instance. He wanted to go on an 'SG-1 bonding trip' apparently, though I expect it would have just been Danny, Teal'c and myself watching the two of them slobber all over each other for the entire night. He suggested a trip to the cinema, which he knows is not my favourite destination, and suggested an equally appalling film to go and see. When I politely declined his offer, he told me that I was boring, and how he wished I could be a bit more like Debbie.
I held my tongue this time - next time he might not be so lucky. Next time, he's going to get his life history read to him.
As I sat at home last night, trying to finish a report, my mind drifted again to Jack. I remembered the time when we were stranded in Antarctica together, when he was so badly hurt and we were both dying of hypothermia. I suppose our relationship developed from that point on, all the way through five or six years, and now it's suddenly become nonexistent again.
~~~~~~~~~~March 15th, 2003~~~~~~~~~~
I'd like to be able to tell you that I like Debbie - that I don't have a problem with her at all when she's on her own. I'm sorry, but that would just be a lie. I'm not used to these feelings of jealousy that I'm experiencing, and I don't like them. Maybe that's why he's changed - maybe it leaks out of my pores. It's just that for as long as I can remember, he's been a good friend to me. He's made me laugh, taught me how to be a fine officer but also a friend.
In the month that has gone by, Jack and Debbie have got closer - but Jack and I have been drifting further apart.
To tell you the truth, I'm scared. I'm scared of being alone, of not being with him any more. I know that I've always been the geeky scientist that he didn't want on his team, let alone as his 2IC, but I know that he got over that - he came to respect me for the person that I was.
What has changed?
I'll tell you what's changed - Debbie has changed. She's changed everything, and it's all worked to her advantage.
What I wasn't prepared for was the realisation that my feelings for my commanding officer were totally unrequited. That came in the form of a school-cliché moment in the locker room after my latest mission with SG-1.
~~~~~~~~~~The Locker Room~~~~~~~~~~
I'd stepped into the shower and was letting the water droplets cascade down my back, the scalding temperature helping to clear my mind as well as my body from the thoughts that were certain to drive me
insane.
What I failed to notice as I was in the shower was that Debbie had entered and was standing just out of my sight in the corner of the room. I slowly shampooed my hair, enjoying the smell of honeysuckle and
the warmth of the water on my body.
Debbie just stood there, watching and waiting.
When I got out of the shower and went over to my locker, I turned around with a start to realise that I was
being watched, and that I was being watched by Debbie.
"What the hell are you doing in here?" I remember I asked, my voice more of a squeak.
"Same thing you are, hon," she replied in her silky voice.
I turned my back to her and tried to get dressed.
"That's an interesting scar you've got there on your shoulder, hon," Debbie had continued, "How'd that
happen?"
I wasn't about to tell her that Jonas had taken a knife to me during the third week of our engagement - I hadn't told anybody that, apart from Jack, and she was certainly not going to know.
"I…I had an accident," I had lied, pulling on my trousers and hoping that she would leave.
"An accident involving a knife and your fiancé?" she'd smirked.
I bit my lip and forced myself not to turn around.
"Jack told me," she had smiled, "He told me that you used to have some trouble."
"Did he now?" I asked, trying to stem the flow of fear and hate that rose in me at the same time.
"Yes," Debbie had continued, with that smirk plastered on her face, "He's told me a lot about you."
I pulled my tank top over my head and sat down, still trying to ignore her.
"He's dreadfully embarrassed, you know."
I frowned. "Embarrassed of what?"
"Of having his 2IC trail around behind him with her tongue hanging out for all these years!" Debbie
concluded.
I still remember the look of pleasure on her face when she said that to me. I remember how that shot went home, and I blushed bright red.
"He's really not interested, you know," she hadn't finished yet, "There's just so much about you that he doesn't like."
"There's also a lot about he that he does," I said defensively.
Debbie had folded her arms and looked at me carefully.
"Name something," she challenged, "In fact, name three things and I'll give you an award!"
"He likes the way he can depend on me," I said, hoping that my voice did not betray the fear that I felt.
"He likes the way that I'm not afraid to say what's on my mind," I continued.
Debbie laughed.
That laugh has stayed with me for all of this time.
"He likes the way that you talk constantly about something he never understands?" Another giggle, "He likes the way that he can depend on you to get captured and infested by a Goa'uld symbiote at least once every year?"
I swallowed. Damn this woman - why was she doing this to me?
"Face it, hon, you've never been anything more than the annoying scientist who talks too much and gets into trouble too often. You've never been anything more than that whore who tried to seduce him in this
very locker room in the first month that you knew each other. You're nothing."
I felt like I was back in the fourth grade, being bullied in the school toilets.
"Go to hell," I'd somehow managed to choke out.
"Oh, don't take my word for it," Debbie had continued, taking a tape recorder from her pocket and chucking it to me, "Go ahead and have a listen!"
I'd stood there with the miniscule player in my hand, wishing that she would leave me alone. After a while, I realised that she wasn't going to and reluctantly pressed the play button.
"Carter?" It was the Colonel's voice. I had instantly wondered about sabotage, if Debbie had somehow managed to superimpose his voice into the recording.
"She's just so…boring, I suppose the word is. She spends all of her time shut up in that lab of hers doing science projects - like the proper high school geek."
My heart had plummeted at these words. I still wasn't sure whether I could believe that the Colonel himself had said this, or if it was just a horrible trick that Debbie had devised to get me out of the way.
"My type? No! I wouldn't date her, she's not my type at all. No, I'd like to date someone with a social life."
I pressed the stop button, and looked at Debbie.
"Just exactly what are you trying to achieve?" I had asked.
"I'm trying to tell you the obvious, hon," she smiled, "He doesn't love you - stop chasing him."
She leant over me and pressed the play button again.
"And the techno babble! Agh, will she ever shut up? You know, she once had a conversation with me for fifteen minutes and I actually fell asleep and she didn't notice. It's just…it's actually become annoying over the years. That, and her being occupied by a Goa'uld ever year."
I pressed stop again, this time I'd had enough. Pulling on my jacket and grabbing the tape recorder, I left the locker room and ran for the safety and sanctuary of my lab.
~~~~~~~~~~20th June, 2003~~~~~~~~~~
Three months later, and I was still at the SGC. I was still having to watch Jack and Debbie swooning over each other, and I still had that tape recorder in my lab. The pain was beginning to soften now, but only just, and it was still there every time I looked at him.
Every time, I could hear his voice in my head, saying that I was boring and how he wished that I would shut up. This did not make it easy for me to get on with him, and even General Hammond was beginning to notice some friction between us.
So much, in fact, that I was called into his office for a 'talk.'
~~~~~~~~~~General Hammond's Office~~~~~~~~~~
"Major, please have a seat," the General had said, a serious expression upon his face.
"Yes, sir," I replied.
"Major, I have noticed that you and Colonel O'Neill have been experiencing a few difficulties with regard to communication, and with your working together."
"Yes, sir," I had replied again, like a parrot.
"Can you shed any light on this for me, or am I going to have to call Colonel O'Neill in here myself?"
"General, there isn't really anything to explain," I had said, squirming in my seat and trying to throw him. It really didn't work.
"Major, I'm not a fool. If you are having trouble with Colonel O'Neill, then I can transfer him…"
"No!" I said, suddenly, surprising even myself, "If you're going to transfer one of us, make it me."
"Major, what's brought all this on?" Hammond asked me carefully, "I just…"
He was interrupted by the phone ringing. As he sat there and spoke, I tried to think of a way that I could get out of my current situation. None seemed to arise, and I was preparing myself for a full dressing-down from Hammond until he put the phone down.
"Major, I'm afraid that this news is going to irritate you." He said. I knew what he was talking about before the words were even out of his mouth - or rather, who he was talking about.
~~~~~~~~~~ Carter's Lab ~~~~~~~~~~
I know what you're going to think. Yes, I suppose I'm hiding from the inevitable. Running from the truth. He will be here any minute and he couldn't have had worse timing. Why the Russians repeatedly keep shipping him back and forth is beyond me.
Doctor Rodney McKay. Don't get me wrong, he's a brilliant scientist - and hell, I even kissed him the last time we were together! It's just…I don't know if I can cope with him on top of Deborah and Jack. It's not like I have much choice in the matter.
~~~~~~~~~~ The Control Room ~~~~~~~~~~
"Hello, sexy!"
I turned around and forced a smile for Rodney as he bounded back into the control room. Inside I was cringing, as Debbie and Jack were in the corner of the room.
"Doctor, always a pleasure," I shot back, taking his hand and shaking it firmly. He caught sight of the two lovebirds in the corner and looked questioningly at me. I gave him a shrug, and told him that I'd explain it to him later.
His initial reaction had served to raise my mood somewhat. He clearly thought the same of her as I did - and he'd only known her for a couple of minutes. Of course she was soon off on one, trying to turn him against me. If only she'd known who she was up against.
"Doctor McKay?" she asked, moving away from Jack to stand closer to him.
"That's my name," he replied cockily, looking at her with an expression of amusement.
"You must be good at your job," she continued, "If you've been assigned here."
"I'm the best scientist in the world," McKay boasted, looking smug. I tried not to smile.
"Oh, but I think Major Carter might disagree with you," Deborah replied, acidly.
"Yeah," McKay agreed, "That's half the fun of it!"
Debbie smarted at her insult falling flat. I started to feel relieved that McKay was here, and I really never thought that I would say that.
"Come on, Major," he said, practically filling the room with his bravado, "We've got to go save the world!"
With that, he swept out of the room. I had no choice but to follow him, and I noticed that he was heading for my lab. How did he know where it was?
"So…I need details," he said, seating himself on my chair.
"You're as bad as Janet," I smirked, sitting opposite him.
"The wrinkled old fossil?" He asked, "And the woman, of course."
I laughed. Relieved that I could finally talk to someone, I began to fill him in on the details.
"The old fossil and the woman are an item," I told him, "Her name is Debbie, and…"
"And she looks like she could crush a truck between her thighs," McKay exclaimed.
With a snort, I carried on.
"Yes, they've been together for about four, five months now, and in that time she has developed a healthy dislike for me."
"Surely not," McKay quipped.
"Funny. A comedian." My expression was serious again, and I think he finally realised that something was bothering me.
"What's been going on?" he asked.
I sat there, looking across at the man I had once considered to be my arch rival. True, there was still a part of me that was greatly irritated by him, but there was another part of me that liked him, that felt akin to him.
"She's…uh…let's just say that she's been rubbing it in. Quite roughly."
"Rubbing what in?" McKay asked, playing dumb.
"Don't make me say it," I warned him. He held up his hands in defeat.
"Okay, okay, but surely the crusty colonel still likes you? I mean, he still cops a feel now and again? He still stares at your butt?"
I smiled sadly.
"No. She has a…tape of him, saying things about me that I don't really like."
That got his attention. Why the hell was I telling him this? Doctor McKay?
"What things?" He asked. "This could be serious."
"It's not going to get serious," I replied, "I'll just let the two of them get on with it, but it has been wearing me down…"
"What did he say?" McKay pressed. For a scary moment, I thought I could see concern in his face.
"He said that I was boring, that I spoke too much and had no social life. He said he was embarrassed by me."
McKay made a rude sound.
"Boring? Tell him to get back in his bath chair!"
"It's not just him - I was in the shower, and his lady friend was in there watching me…"
"Lucky git," McKay smirked, looking up at me. I closed my eyes in disgust and tried to ignore the mental image that presented itself.
"Anyway, she gave me a tongue-lashing the minute I got out. She said pretty much the same things as him, played me the tape and called me a whore."
"My god," McKay said, genuinely shocked, "She really has it in for you, doesn't she?"
"I hadn't noticed," I replied dryly. "I'm just hoping that she'll get bored of it."
"You shouldn't have to," he said, deadly serious now, "I mean it, Major. I know we haven't always seen eye to eye, but…"
"Doctor, I never thought I would say this, and I still wonder whether I will regret it or not later, but it's good to have you back. I feel like I have…a friend."
He smiled. Not one of his patronising smiles, or one of his 'I'm so right and you're so wrong' ones. It was a genuine smile.
"Likewise. Now, about watching you in the shower…"
"Don't push your luck, doctor," I warned him, even though I couldn't help but laugh.
~~~~~~~~~~ 30th June, 2003 ~~~~~~~~~~
Doctor McKay has become a regular member of our scientific team. Whether this is a good or a bad thing is probably too early to say. General Hammond was quite literally gob smacked when I agreed to working with him. Perhaps it's a testimony to how bad things have got between me and the colonel.
It also seems that McKay has made Debbie's bad list. Her insults roll off of him like water off a duck's back - so why doesn't it do that with me? I try to be civil, but she always cuts me off. Even the colonel is doing it now. I was especially concerned when we had to take on a mission that was expected to last for a couple of weeks.
"I'll kill you now," McKay offered.
"That's helpful," I replied, sitting back down.
"It's just 2 weeks," he said, "How bad could it be?"
I laughed a humourless laugh. He really had no idea. Mentally, I was blessing him for trying to help, but in my heart I knew it would be terrible. At least I would have Teal'c and Danny there.
"It'll be bad." I told him.
"Well, my offer is still open…we could have a lover's suicide." He grinned.
"Now, for that we would have to be lovers," I shot back.
"Hey," he said, leaning back on his chair, "I'm ready when you are, sexy!"
I picked up a heavy book and threw it at him.
"I'll see you in a couple of weeks."
~~~~~~~~~~ The Mission ~~~~~~~~~~
I tried to stay with Teal'c and Daniel for as much time as I could, but someone had the not-so-smart idea of pairing me with her. In a tent. The guys shared one, the girls shared one. I was literally shaking by the time night fell.
Pull yourself together, I thought. She's just another woman. You're being pathetic - it's no wonder the Colonel is getting so irritated. So I headed for my bed, wishing Teal'c, Danny and Jack a good night. She was there, waiting for me. Like a lion watching its prey, toying with it in its moments before death.
"So nice for us to be sharing, don't you think?" She smirked.
"Delightful," I replied coldly, rolling over in my sleeping bag and closing my eyes, trying to shut her out.
"Going to sleep so soon? I thought we could compare notes!" She laughed.
"I left them at home," I said, praying that she would fall asleep quickly. My prayers went unanswered, and she continued to taunt me.
"Poor Major Carter," she whispered softly, patronisingly, "You never really had a chance, did you? Infected with a Goa'uld, cursed when it comes to men, susceptible to alien viruses - it's no wonder he got fed up with you. Your problem is that you're weak."
I bit my lip, trying to imagine what McKay's response would have been. It scared me how much I was relying on the thought of him to get me through the day. I was supposed to hate him, after all.
Sleep did not come my way that night. When Daniel came to wake me for my watch, which was the last, he found me already dressed and waiting. He asked me if I was okay, so I lied and told him I was. He was too tired to question me further.
I sat by the fire, cradling my weapon to my chest. As I remembered her harsh words, like a river of poison in my ear, I felt my body slump a little. A tear began to fall from my eye, but I wiped it harshly away. I was not going to let myself get upset by her, no way.
Lying again, Samantha, always lying. The tears came again, and this time I did nothing to stop them.
~~~~~~~~~~ 0600 Hours, the last day of the mission ~~~~~~~~~~
I had last watch again. The Sandman was throwing no sand my way for the fourth night in a row, and it was beginning to show. Unsuccessfully, I had tried to stop crying, and was embarrassed when Jack emerged from his tent to see me in such a state.
"You been crying, major?" He asked.
There was no concern in his face. There was no worry in his question. He didn't care. He was just looking for gossip to tell his new lover.
"I really would appreciate it," he began, "If you would get over your feelings for me."
I was incensed. At that moment, I wanted to scream. I wanted to hit him, over and over again. I wanted to hit her, I wanted them both out of my life.
"You son of a bitch," I said quietly. As it turns out, it wasn't quietly enough.
"What did you say?" He asked, turning back to face me, his hands on his hips.
"You heard," I replied, standing up so that I was almost at his eye level.
"That's insubord…" he began. I cut him off, the words coming out in an angry, anguished tide that I no longer had any control of.
"I understand that my feelings for you were unrequited," I began, "And I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable, but this has gone too far."
"You're telling me!" He said, his voice raising, "I have a new life now, Major, one that does not involve you!"
"Oh, but it does!" I yelled back, "You keep dredging up the past for the sole purpose of rubbing it in my face. I am OVER you, but you're clearly not over yourself."
"What the hell are you talking about?" He shouted.
"Your sweet, innocent Deborah!" I said, "You and her have been doing a fine job of making me feel this big!" I held up my fingers to show him.
"You're overreacting," He said, frowning, "I haven't said anything against you!"
"Oh, give me a break!" I yelled, "Carter, why can't you be more like Debbie? Carter, you're boring, Carter, you talk too much! I've had enough!"
"You're talking rubbish," he snarled, "Maybe Deborah has been saying these things to you, but I haven't. I just want you to get over your feelings for me! I don't love you!"
I started to cry. Not from sadness, you must understand, but from anger.
"You can't even tell me the truth. Not when you're breaking our friendship in two. Not when you're hurting me so badly!"
"What truth?" He shouted, agitated, "I don't know what you're…"
Without speaking, I reached into my pocket and pulled out the tape player. He looked at it blankly. I pressed play, ignoring the fact that the others had been woken by our argument. The more people who heard it, the better.
"She's just so…boring, I suppose the word is. She spends all of her time shut up in that lab of hers doing science projects - like the proper high school geek."
His face began to pale slightly. The recording continued.
"My type? No! I wouldn't date her, she's not my type at all. No, I'd like to date someone with a social life."
Daniel's mouth formed an 'o'. I looked right at the colonel, who wasn't looking so confident any more.
"And the techno babble! Agh, will she ever shut up? You know, she once had a conversation with me for fifteen minutes and I actually fell asleep and she didn't notice. It's just…it's actually become annoying over the years. That, and her being occupied by a Goa'uld ever year."
I stopped the recording. Jack O'Neill had three pairs of eyeballs looking very angrily at him. The other pair was looking worried.
"I wouldn't have minded as much…" I sniffed, swallowing back another sob, "If you had told me to my face. But instead, you've gone behind my back, you've insulted me, you've made jokes about me, and you've made out that I'm the one with the problem."
"Carter," he stammered, "I…"
"You've stood there and laughed at me. You and your girlfriend have done nothing short of bully me, and I have had enough of it. I am OVER you, Colonel, but I'm not going to apologise for my feelings. I loved you once - but never again. Never again."
With that, I turned around and walked into the bushes. I didn't care if there was an ambush waiting for me, I wouldn't have cared if there was some wild animal lurking in the bushes. All I could feel was pain.
"Good one, Jack," Daniel snapped, and followed me.
"I did not believe that you could stoop so low," Teal'c said, and went after Daniel.
I am sure that the conversation between Jack and Debbie that ensued was not a pleasant one, but it didn't matter to me any more. I had said what I needed to say, it was off of my chest and I felt liberated, free.
~~~~~~~~~~ Back at the SGC ~~~~~~~~~~
General Hammond didn't seem surprised when I asked to be removed from active duty, and returned to my post as senior science officer. He didn't even ask for an explanation, it was as if he had been expecting it. Confused, I questioned him.
"Sir? You're not going to ask me why?"
"I'm not blind, Major, and nor are half of the officers at this facility. I'm sorry for what you've been through, and I assure you that the relevant court martials will be carried out."
I shook my head.
"Don't do it, General. As long as I can work in my lab, with my science projects, that's enough for me. I don't want to watch them suffer."
"But, Major…" General Hammond countered, shocked.
"I mean it, General. Please - just leave them be."
With that, I headed for my office. Well, technically it wasn't just 'my' office any more. McKay, during the mission I was away for, had managed to blow up his own, breaking his arm in the process. He was now sharing mine.
"How'd it go?" He asked me.
"Good," I said, "As of now, I am a scientist, and no longer a member of SG-1."
"That's a little sad, don't you think?" McKay asked.
"I will miss parts of it," I agreed, "But this is a fresh start for me. A chance to begin again, to draw another line - and not to go round and round in the same circle."
"Amen to that," McKay agreed. "Now, about becoming lovers…"
"Like I said, doctor, don't push it. I might have just resigned from SG-1, but there is nothing wrong with my sanity. Or my self-respect."
"Ouch," he winced.
I just smirked at him.
THE END
Author Notes: Feedback is really appreciated. This story is a bit different to my others, and I want to know what you think. Please send it to [email protected]