Welcome to Coming Fabtractions…er, Attractions. I'm your host, Jay Sherman.

And I'm your co-host, Bart Simpson.

Bart, I'm going to read some of the letters I received from the viewers after your last appearance on the show. "Dear Mr. Sherman. Bart Simpson is a riot. He is the perfect counterpart to your pompousness." It's pomposity, you illiterate yokel! "Dear Mr. Sherman. Please keep Bart on your show. He actually has good things to say about movies. As for you, please stop reviewing movies and get an honest job, or go live in a cave, I don't care." For your information, I lived in a cave while I was finishing graduate school, and I'll never do it again.

The people have spoken, man.

Sometimes I wish the people would shut up. Anyway, our first coming claptraption…er, attraction is "The Contrabulous Fabtraption of Professor Horatio Hufnagel." And believe me, the movie is as hard to watch as its title is to pronounce. Former A-list star Troy McClure produced, wrote, directed, starred in, and edited this baby, which he should have thrown out with the bathwater. Pardon the cliché, but, IT STINKS! The only positive thing I can say about this turkey is that he turned down the supporting lead in "McBain IV" in favor of it.

Big mistake, man. All of Rainier Wolfcastle's sidekicks have sucked since then. Disco Stu in McBain IV, Brad Duffman in McBain V, Sara Sloane in McBain VI…

My feelings about the atrocious, reprehensible, irredeemable McBain films are well-documented, so I won't repeat them. Now let's watch a clip from "Contrabulous Fabtraption", and you'll see what I mean when I say, "Oy…"

Whatcha got there, Professor Hufnagel?

It's a Contrabulous Fabtraption, Timmy. It's like a Fantabulous Contraption, only with a few modifications so I don't get sued for patent infringement.

What does it do?

It's like an airplane, only it travels through time instead of air.

When I grow up, I wanna be a great scientist like you, Professor.

The final Shyamalan-esque twist is easy to guess, if you've somehow managed to stay awake. I won't spoil it for the viewers.

I have something to tell you, Timmy. I'm you from the future. And I'm really a woman. And a ghost.

Stop the clip! STOP THE CLIP!

I gotta agree with you on this one, Jay. I spent half the movie looking for the nearest exit. No, really, I couldn't find it.

McClure's latest film begs the question, "How much CGI is too much?" I mean, did he really have to computer-generate the moon?

Maybe it was a cloudy night.

I remember Troy McClure from such films as "Captain Vivaldi's Violin" and "Good Will Fishing". I know he has enough talent to revive his career, if only he would stay in front of the camera.

And away from the aquarium.

It's too bad his loveless sham of a marriage with Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz didn't last.

Yeah, what happened to the days when a loveless sham of a marriage actually meant something?

Next up on Coming Contrap…er, Attractions, we'll review a movie that bills itself as the "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead of romantic comedies". What happens when a man who was jilted by his fiancé when she met her "soulmate", meets a woman who was jilted by her fiancé when he met his "soulmate"? Find out when we look at "A Lot Like Serendipity", right after this commercial break. Bart will still be here, so don't go away.

We're off the air, Jay.

I'm outta here. Bart, the show is yours.