Prologue
The sunlight cracking through the window barely caught her eye but the stark light made her eye twitch and clamp shut tightly, blocking out the sun. She snuggled closer to the man next to her, his body warm and smooth. She inhaled deeply, taking in his scent, finding comfort in both him and the dream that had been crossing her mind that night.
Her hand spread over the expanse of his chest, a coy smile on her lips where her dream was becoming more and more real. Her lips moved like butter as she uttered the man of her dreams' name.
"Ethan…," she sighed. The name melted from her lips with such simplicity.
The man held her in his arms as she spoke, his hand lightly moved down her arm, slowly feeling her skin. He had heard what she said and it didn't shock him in the least. A strange look crossed his face and he kissed the top of her head, pulling in the fragrance of her hair, reveling in how much she amazed him.
He had been awake for a while now just watching her sleep peacefully next to him, feeling her body against his, soft and alive-- it set his heart afire. She finally broke free from her dream with a small jolt that forced her wandering soul back into place. Her eyes slowly fluttered open and took a minute to think of where she was, who she was, and who she was with. It all finally came to her and she looked up at the man whose chest she was lying on.
"Good morning," he said in a whisper, looking at her in the way he always had.
"Good morning," she replied with a small smile.
She rolled away from his side to her own part of the bed, belly down, hiding her nude body from his stare. Her hair spilled down to the pillow when she hunched herself up on her elbows to look at him, grazing it with its dark color and piercing shine. The way she looked in the morning never failed to stun him. No makeup and no cosmetic aide whatsoever and yet she was the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. They held the stare for a long time and he finally went forward and kissed her lips softly.
At first she was surprised when he did it and didn't move. Her open eyes stared at his closed ones in front of her, still feeling his lips on her immobile mouth. It took her a while to respond and she finally closed her eyes briefly and pushed her lips forward, slightly returning the peck. It was short, mere seconds perhaps and still it filled her heart with a feeling she hated and it filled his with a feeling he had grown all too accustomed to. He pulled back, softly feeling the skin of her cheek with the back of his hand.
They said nothing and yet he got some kind of message from her. He pulled the sheet from across his body and lifted himself from the bed, pulling on a pair of boxers from the floor before he stood up. He walked around the bed, stepping closer to her, yawning and pulling his body into a stretch. Her eyes followed him as he walked and then he stopped and turned back to her.
"I'm gonna take a shower, okay? Wanna join me?" It was a simple question and it was as if he already knew the answer. It was always the same.
The look on her face was subtle and silent. She pushed a strand of hair from the front of her face with her left hand exposing the large white stone that sat in a bed of platinum shine. When he saw it, something ached inside of him and he cursed everything that he knew.
Even her.
"Um…," she stuttered, "I don't think so." Her words made a silent lump pass his throat but he barely noticed his familiar response to her refusal. "I worked late last night and I'm just gonna sleep in before I go to work," she offered with an apologetic smile.
He was motionless for an instant and then finally nodded before heading to the bathroom. As she watched him walk away and close the door behind him, a feeling of sorrow collapsed over her like a ton of lead, sinking her down to the bed with a cushiony landing. She could hear the water running a moment later and silently pleaded for the strength she knew she didn't have.
A powerful fatigue suddenly overtook her and she closed her eyes to the image that had haunted her for the past two years and would always be with her, reminding her of her foolishness and of what she left behind. As sleep began to take hold once again, she uttered the word again, "Ethan…"
The day had been planned for months and it had finally arrived. Smiles, jitters, and excitement were everywhere. Theresa stood in the rectory preparing herself in front of a mirror, her eyes wide with disbelief that this was actually happening. Her mother and best friend were worrying about every detail of the white dress and only added to her nervousness. People were bustling around her, almost making her head spin with their pace.
A messenger had just walked in with yet another bouquet of white roses to add to the collection of piling bouquets on the counter. The room was fragrant of their smell and only reminded her of the impact this day would have upon her life. Theresa gazed down at the ring on her hand and stared at it for a moment. It was an exquisite stone and it sparkled in the light. When she had first received it, she wasn't sure that she wanted to put it on. So much had happened in her life and then there was a man on his knee in front of her. And now, the wait was over. She would walk down the aisle and become his wife today.
Her mother was behind her, pinning the veil to her head and suddenly the ensemble was complete. Theresa smoothed her hands down her bodice and felt the soft fabric against her palms, the light embroidery rubbing at her touch. Her fingers went up to the base of her throat and stroked the single diamond stone that hung from a silver chain, just enough to accentuate the white of the dress across the color of her skin.
She turned from the mirror and stared at her teary-eyed mother. Pilar had her hand over her mouth and she took in every detail of her daughter before her.
"You are so beautiful, mija," Pilar managed past the lump gathering in her throat. And she was. The dress was a slender-fitting dress that A-lined out to the floor from just below the waist with a swaying fabric that didn't balloon out like a prom dress but granted her body with a perfect fit. There were no straps on her shoulders and the back swept up into a small bow close to her right hip, falling into a cascading waterfall of silk that led down to her train five and a half feet behind her. She was a true vision.
Theresa blushed at her mother's comment and smiled in gratitude. Pilar took Theresa's hands in her own and looked deep into her daughter's eyes, searching for something. "Are you ready?"
Theresa swallowed gently and tightened her hold on her mother's hands slightly. A quick breath escaped her chest and she nodded with a swift movement of her head. "Yes," she answered.
"Are you sure?" Pilar pressed.
Theresa didn't answer and turned her attention to Whitney at the opposite side of the room. She wore a lavender dress that fit her body and looked stunning against her skin tone. "Um.. Whit, do you have my bouquet?"
Whitney looked to her best friend with her veil and smiled. "You're all set," she said reassuringly. Whitney walked to the bride and touched the veil hanging above her head. "It's-- it's your big day…," she said softly. "It's a big deal, you know. Getting married. It's forever, Theresa." She took Theresa's left hand and stared at the big diamond blinking at her. "You're my best friend and I know you better than anyone else." Theresa nodded silently. "I just want to make sure that you're sure about this. Are you really ready to do this?"
Theresa's other hand left her side and took the hand that was grasping her other one. "I have to do this, Whit. It's the right thing to do."
Whitney's gaze was taken down to the floor and she silently sent up a prayer for some kind of salvation for her friend. Theresa was stubborn and thick-headed. She knew that. She always knew that. Theresa had set her mind to this and there was no backing her down. "Okay," she replied in a whisper. Theresa nodded back at her and Whitney was amazed at how strong her best friend really was… But it was then that she realized how weak she was being. "Then…," Whitney began. "Let's go get you married."
Theresa gently grazed the bottom of her eye, careful not to disturb the makeup that she so carefully applied and let out a small laugh. "Okay, let's do it."
Whitney walked back to the other side of the room and gathered both her and Theresa's bouquet and Pilar primped the bottom of Theresa's dress once more. Pilar stroked her daughter's cheek and smiled at her, beaming with pride and trying to hide her fear. Whitney handed Theresa her large bouquet of white roses and the vision before her was amazing. Theresa was a beautiful bride and all of the women in the room were trying in vain to hide their tears.
"Ready to go, Theresa?" Whitney asked, walking to the door that would lead to the back of the church.
"Yeah… yeah. Um… just give me a minute, okay?"
Pilar and Whitney took their flowers and walked out of the room, leaving Theresa alone to gather herself. The large bouquet in Theresa's hands wasn't exactly light and as she stared at herself in the mirror, her eyes falling up and down her body, taking in every detail she saw. She softly placed the flowers on the counter beside her and closed her eyes to breathe.
In and out… In and out…
She realized that her heart was pounding and she could hear the blood pulsing hard throughout her body with the silence that surrounded her. I can do this.. she told herself. Okay, Theresa. Keep it together. Suddenly, her thoughts were interrupted when she felt two hands come behind her and hide her eyes. The touch was familiar and soft and she pulled her hands on top of them, rubbing them softly.
"Hey, what are you doing here? You know you're not supposed to see the bride before the cere--" she stopped speaking when she turned to see the man before her. Her words caught in her throat and she couldn't speak. Her pounding heart skipped a beat when she saw him and silently begged for it all to be a dream.
"You look beautiful," the man told her sincerely.
She took in a quick breath. "Ethan… What are you doing here?" she demanded to know. "I thought I told you not to come."
"You did. But I couldn't let you make the biggest mistake of your life, Theresa."
She pushed away from him, pacing to the other side of the room. "No. Don't start, Ethan. Not again." Her voice was shaky and she was doing her best to avoid his stare.
"Theresa, please. Just think about what you're doing."
"Ethan, I know what I'm doing. I'm getting married and that's that."
He pushed the lump from his throat and tried not to let the emotion rising within him to be heard. "You don't love him."
She didn't speak and spun to face him quickly. "Yes, Ethan.. Yes, I do." Something in her eyes was always readable to him and he would forever keep it with him.
He walked towards her slowly, making sure that she wouldn't pull back. She didn't. As he approached, she felt the blood rushing faster. She stood firm, her shoulders strong, telling him that she wasn't going to back down. His hand slowly inched towards her face and it finally rested on her cheek and traced to her jaw line. Her eyes closed, trying to memorize the feeling of his touch and her breathing quickened. "More than you love me?" he asked, his eyes tearing into her soul.
She looked up at him and prayed that he wouldn't see through her. She said nothing and pulled away from him, using every amount of strength she had. "Ethan, don't. Just don't."
His heart was breaking and she knew it. "Theresa, please…," he begged. "You know this is wrong. Don't-- don't marry Fox."
Theresa's back was to him and he could see the expansion of her ribs with each forceful breath she was taking in. He could tell how much he affected her when he touched her and he knew what was still in her heart. "Stop. Just stop, Ethan! Okay? Fox.. he's a good man, Ethan. He cares for me and he's always there when I need him."
Ethan didn't say anything for a moment and let what she had just said register. "He cares for you…?"
Her eyes tightened in his insinuation. "He loves me." Her tone was harsh when she said it, almost angry at him for what he had suggested with a simple statement. "When I need someone, he's the first one to stand up for me. He believes in me. Fox loves me, Ethan and he would never hurt me."
"But--" he tried.
"No! No buts, Ethan. What? Did you expect me to wait around for you when you're still married to Gwen? I'm tired, Ethan. I'm sick of waiting and it's not fair to me," she clutched her chest as she spoke and pointed her hand at him, "and it's not fair to you. I can't… I just can't do this anymore." Her voice was shaking and she was taking in short breaths to keep her composure at bay. Guilt washed over him when he saw what he had done to her.
"I'm sorry, Theresa…" She shook her head, brushing off his apology in pain. "I'm divorcing Gwen, Theresa. I can't do this anymore either." His words were soft and she almost believed them.
She let out a huffy laugh in disbelief and stared at him. "Ethan, how many times have you said that to me? How long have I been waiting for you to finally see that you belong with me? I just can't wait anymore."
"Theresa, I really am divorcing her. I fi--"
"No, Ethan. I'm tired of the excuses. I'm tired of waiting. I can't do it, Ethan. You may say that you're leaving Gwen but all you've proven is that you want to have your cake and eat it too." She stopped and found a painful stare looking at her. She could see the heartache behind his eyes and it was killing her. "Fox loves me, Ethan. We care for each other and he asked me to marry him. He'll take care of me. That's all I need, Ethan."
Ethan's hands moved to his hips, spreading the suit jacket over his arms. He looked to the side, his gaze away from Theresa as an attempt to hide the welling tears. He swallowed hard and nodded, brushing his nose when he looked back to her. "Is that all you need, Theresa? You don't love him."
Theresa left her place from in front of him. She walked away, her back to him and she was begging every higher power for help. Her soul was screaming inside of her and she couldn't take the anguish. All she wanted to do was collapse to the ground and cry until she had no more energy to cry; until her body was utterly as dried up as she felt inside. Her hands were on her hips as if it helped in her thinking process--nothing would help her now.
"Get out, Ethan." Her tone was bland and she couldn't even face him when she said it.
He stood defeated opposite her and the breath seemed to leave his body when she refused to hear him out. It was over… He knew how much she was hurting because he felt it too and he was dying inside. He watched the woman he loved stare him in the eye and tell him she loved someone else when he knew she was lying. Her strength never ceased to amaze him and for once he wished she wouldn't be so stubborn and just listen to what her heart was trying to tell her.
Ethan had heard what Theresa told him and yet he couldn't bring himself to leave her just yet. He stared at her and waited for her to turn around and tell him that he was right. He wanted her to jump into his arms and let him know that she would never leave him again.
She didn't.
He was sure he shouldn't but he didn't care. He walked to her still facing her back and turned her around to meet him. What he did next wasn't granted permission for nor was it shameful. His hand slid across her cheek and brought her face to his, crashing her lips with his own. At first she tried to fight him and she tried to pull away but he wouldn't let her go and soon he felt her melt against him. Her kiss was burning against his lips and she let him into her mouth with a surprising passion. He pulled her body to his and his tongue begged her to listen to her heart, and for a brief instant she heard a whisper from within herself.
Their breathing ragged, he pulled back and looked at her deeply, his hand still on her face caressing her cheek tenderly. A single tear had spilled through her eyelashes and was about to fall when he caught it with his thumb and wiped it from her eye. His touch was electric and she felt the familiar surge go through her body.
Ethan pressed his forehead to hers and silently told her everything in his heart. Tears were in her eyes and she could feel the ache that he was trying to control within his own soul. Him just being near her made her want to abandon her thoughts and it was torture being so close to him.
"I love you," he whispered softly. The silence around them seem to hang but those words were a resonating sound and it only brought more water to her eyes. She knew he meant it and she wished with every cell in her body that she could say it back, but she couldn't.
Not now.
Ethan waited for Theresa to say something but she didn't and it killed him. She was going to go through with it. His thumb traced her lips and he fought back every urge to kiss her again and left her side quickly. Tears fell from his eyes as he walked out of the rectory and out of the life that belonged to Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald. After the ceremony she would no longer be that girl; she would no longer be his.
When Ethan pulled back and left the room, Theresa clutched her solar plexus and took in deep breaths to try to calm herself. Her hand covered her mouth and she tried to force out the feeling of what Ethan's lips felt like against her own but her blood was still hot from the electricity that he sent through her. Finally not being able to contain it anymore, Theresa cried.
How she made it to the back of the church still confused her. She held the large bouquet in her shaky hands and suddenly, any amount of fight or resolve that she had in her early today had vanished with Ethan when he left her in the rectory all alone. She had promised herself that she wouldn't let him get to her but it had gone beyond her control and she regretted ever having seen him at all.
Now she stood at the back of the church and as soon as the band director saw her, a wedding march started and Whitney began her parade down the aisle. Luis walked Theresa down the aisle and when she got the front by Fox, he kissed her cheek and whispered in her ear, "Follow your heart, Theresa." Fox's smile was bright when he took her hand and led her up to the alter next to him. Luis' words echoed inside her mind and she couldn't let go of them for the entire ceremony.
The time had come for the rings and she was standing side facing the audience. As the priest spoke, her gaze wandered to the corner where she caught Ethan staring at her from one of the pews. He was silent and alone, his eyes heavy and pleading with her. She saw a lump pass his throat and she felt the overwhelming yearning to run to his side and fall into his comforting arms. Tears threatened in her eyes again and she tried to ignore the feeling when she heard the words from across from her.
"I do…" Fox's words jolted her back to him and soon the same question was posed to her. Theresa looked into Fox's eyes that were full of joy and light and felt guilt wash over her completely.
Ethan watched as Fox pledged himself to Theresa and it was finally the moment of truth. It was Theresa's turn to say the two words. It was the longest minute of his life and his heart stopped beating, his breathing stopped and all he could do was think of her. He saw her eyes before him, her smile lighting up his heart, he felt her touch against him, he felt her kiss on his lips, and he heard her say she loved him. As painful as it all was, it almost brought a smile to his face.
Finally ending the suspense in the moment, Theresa spoke and Ethan closed his eyes and let the tears fall.
"I do," he heard her say.
He silently freed himself of her with a hesitant goodbye that pulsed from his heart to hers. He knew she got it too because as soon as she had spoken, she turned to look at him and the look in her eyes would be an image burned into his memory forever. That's when she sent her own message to him and it shattered his heart…