No Fricking Way
By Clarity Scifiroots
Disclaimers apply. (And my muses have abducted my computer! I swear it! I don't know how all this stuff is being written!)
Characters: Entire crew Pairing: Mal/Simon
Rating: Um... teen? Fairly innocent... just... odd.
Websites: enchantingmuse (dot come) /artoflife and (dot com) /enchanting_muse
Summary: Why is River obsessed with knitting baby booties...? (From the author who has always sworn not to touch mpregs and will continue to do so.)
Day 6 of June!fic 2006 for an old kneazles request (three)
Recently edited: April 7, 2009

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"Simon..."

The doctor glanced up from the medical journal he'd been skimming. "Inara," he greeted.

She looked around, apparently to see if they were alone, then moved closer. The Companion took a seat next to Simon's and leaned in confidentially. "Do you know why River pilfered my knitting supplies? Not that I mind, it's an old hobby I rarely pick up anymore, but..." Her expression was hard to read.

This was news to Simon. "How do you know she's the one who took them?"

Inara arched her perfectly groomed eyebrows. "I just saw her knitting a-"

"...cute, really. But I don't get it. Do we have a stash of wee people around that I don't know of?" Wash and Zoe entered the dining area.

"Honey," Zoe said in a patient but firm tone. "I don't think 'wee people' are who she's intending it for."

Caught by their conversation, Inara broke in. "You saw it too?"

Husband and wife looked up, for the first time aware of the other crewmembers.

"Hey, you guys!" Kaylee dashed through the door behind Wash and Zoe, her eyes bright and her face flushed. "You're never gonna believe this!"

"What's going on?" Simon asked nervously, all too sure that this had something to do with his sister.

"What in gorram hell is this? Where'd all that crap in the hold come from?"

"Jayne!" Kaylee protested. "T'ain't crap! River's done made some darn shiny pretties!"

With a quiet snort, Zoe said, "If we only knew why."

"I-I'm lost..." Simon stood up, hoping he could catch someone's attention and get an explanation as to what was going on.

"Your sister's made a collection of baby clothes, Simon," Inara told him wearily.

Simon went bug-eyed. "E-e-excuse me?" he squeaked. Jayne started laughing, forgetting his annoyance.

Wash looked at his wife. "Not for wee people?"

She stared at him. "No." He shrugged as if it had been a perfectly viable theory.

"Pardon me..." Shepard Book walked into the room slowly, continually looking over his shoulder as he did so. "Are we all aware that River is moving what seems to be a stack of baby clothes into one of the passenger dorms?"

Wash summed up the crew's confusion in one question, "Why is she doing this?"

Kaylee's eyes widened. "You don't s'pose she... I mean... No way... She couldn't be..."

"River is not pregnant!" Simon choked out, scandalized.

Zoe looked around the room with narrowed eyes. "Ain't no one on this boat that would impregnate her..." Suddenly she glared at Jayne. "Right?"

"What the fuck you lookin' at me for?" the mercenary protested. "Don't go near the moon brain less I got no say in the matter!"'

"Mal wouldn't..." Book started, shaking his head.

Simon frowned at that. "How could you even entertain the thought? He's my- She's my sister!"

"I think we should calm down," Inara said, holding her hands out. "This is probably just some stray thought or idea that she's picked up on."

"Yeah? When's it gonna be done?" Jayne grumbled.

"Where's the cap'n?" Kaylee asked. "Mayhap he's got an idea what to do."

A mangled litany of curses preceded Mal's entrance. He marched through the doorway, holding aloft a strand of... baby booties?

"What the hell is happenin' to my ship?" he demanded. "I come up to find baby booties hangin' 'round my bunk! What kinda joke is that?"

Zoe barely hid her smile. "Sir, River seems to have a thing about baby clothing at the moment."

Mal's "come again?" expression brought Zoe's grin to the forefront. She snickered. "I don't know, Sir! None of us do."

Mal turned a glare on Simon.

"Do not look at me!" the doctor warned, holding his hands up defensively.

At long last the final member of the crew, and the one causing all the current hullabaloo, joined them. River looked around the room in one sweeping glance, then determinedly walked up to Mal. She stopped a foot in front of him and drew something from her pocket. She grabbed his hand and stuffed the item into it, muttering, "Couldn't find one, wasn't right... No tobacco."

Mal brought his hand up and stared in confusion at the rolled paper that looked very much like a cigar. "Huh?"

The others stared at them, speechless. River stared up at him with an unreadable expression. A moment later she laughed, a broad grin brightening her face. She socked him lightly in the arm. "New Daddies have to have one!" she insisted, then bounced over to Simon.

"What?"

"Captain!"

"Mal!"

"She said'a wha?"

River knelt next to Simon's chair-he had sat down, hard, in shock. She leaned over and wrapped her arms around his waist and pressed her check against his belly. She smiled and closed her eyes.

"Mei-mei?" Simon inquired hesitantly, temporarily distracted from the strange scene with Mal.

Dreamily, River told him, "I can hear it. Little heart, beating slowly." She paused, still smiling with her eyes closed. The rest of the crew had quieted down to gawk in bewilderment at the siblings. Simon was too caught up in his own confusion to be embarrassed. "When one and one come together, and two make one, they create it. Perfect three." She leaned back and smiled up happily at her brother. She patted his stomach.

Dumbfounded, no one spoke for a long, long time.

"Is... is she saying..." Wash looked around at the others. "She's not saying... Simon's pregnant...? 'Cuz... that's impossible... Isn't it?"

Simon opened and closed his mouth, unable to make a sound.

Inara shook her head in dazed confusion. "There's... methods but... you'd have to actively seek them..." She suddenly shot a look at Mal. Zoe caught it.

"Sir..." Zoe began, tone warning. "Why'd she give you the 'cigar'?"

Mal mimicked Simon's silent mouth movement, expression one of a man caught red-handed.

Jayne shook himself violently. "Whoa. Hang on a gorram minute." He alternated glaring at River, Simon, and Mal. "We sayin' crazy girl ain't pregnant, but her prissy doctorin' brother is, an' that it's Mal's kid?"

Wash studied Jayne thoughtfully. "Wow. For once you kept up with the conversation."

"But... that can't be right..." Kaylee said, running her fingers through her hair.

Jayne glared at Wash and then stalked to the door, muttering, "I'll be in my bunk..."

"Oh, ewww," Wash complained, turning to his wife. "Oh beloved of mine, sweet angel of mercy, please tell me that hulking sorry excuse for a human is not going off to fantasize about pregnant men."

Zoe looked at him askance and rolled her eyes.

"Is there some... protocol for this?" Book hedged. He looked very disconcerted with the entire matter.

Simon finally regained some control of his voice. "Mei-mei," he hissed in embarrassment, "what are you talking about?"

River patted her own stomach and explained patiently, "When I love and we join, we create it." She took Simon's hand and placed it on his belly. "Two parts join and create something new." She leaned closer, whispering in earnest. "Can't you feel it?"

Simon was redder than Kaylee's favorite strawberries. Stumbling over his words, Simon attempted to make an explanation of his own to his obviously very confused sister. "Mei-mei, it's true that if... ah, if two people of the opposite sex, er, 'join' then there's the possibility of creating new life..." River nodded happily. Simon shook his head. "No, no. I'm a man... I can't get pregnant." River glared at him and he quickly corrected, "Um, n-not naturally, but, um, point is, I didn't do any of that!"

River rolled her eyes. She stood and went back to Mal. She grabbed one of his hands with both of hers and dragged him over back to Simon. She directed him to kneel next to her-Mal obeyed in silence, still in shock-and then held his hand over Simon's stomach. She looked at him earnestly. "Can't you tell?"

Bewildered, Mal stared at her, not sure if he should start laughing or screaming. Sighing in frustration, River yanked his hand away and shoved him forward so that Mal lay sprawled over Simon's lap-a rather embarrassing position when in front of the rest of the crew. More gently, River pressed his head so that Mal's ear rested against Simon's stomach.

"Listen," she insisted.

Torn between amusement, dismay, and mystification, the others watched with bated breath.

Mal abruptly pulled back, eyes wide. "Wo de ma he ta de feng kuang de wai sheng dou...!"

"Mal...." Simon's voice rose frighteningly.

River giggled, clasping her hands in front of her.

"I do not fuckin' believe this..." Mal pressed his other ear against his lover's stomach. Simon squeaked in protest, his hands going to Mal's shoulders to push him away. "Baobei," Mal stopped him. "She ain't crazy."

Zoe's mouth fell open.

"Oh my god!" Kaylee squealed.

Wash blinked as if that would make the situation disappear. "Um, honey... is there a reason that we, as perfectly normal and highly likely candidates of bearing children, are not the ones having the kid here?"

"Shut up, darling."

Inara walked over hesitantly. "A-are you sure?" she asked Mal.

He glared up at her indignantly and then moved aside. "Hear for yourself!"

"What? No! Hey-!" Simon squirmed as Inara crouched down and leaned forward to press her ear against his stomach. Simon looked pleadingly at Mal and complained, "It sort of tickles..."

Mal stared at him in stunned wonderment.

River stood up and leaned down so that her face hovered close between Mal's and her brother's. "Congratulations," she whispered. Both men stared at her in disbelief.

"Sweet, merciful Buddha..." Inara gasped as she leaned back. Behind her, she could hear Kaylee's squeals of "me next!" and Wash mockingly copying "me, too!" while Book asked everyone to show some respect.

~ * Fin * ~

*shakes head* I am... floored. ;;^^