Well, life sure knows how to throw you for a loop. I never thought in all my years that at this point in my life I would be laying in a loft in New York with what is the closest thing to a husband I will ever have. Yes, I finally caved in and reclaimed my personal ray of fucking sunshine. I think he knew I would come eventually, the little shit. I do give myself credit however of my lasting power, while it lasted anyway. The only thing that kept me away for those four long months was that I knew he had to start out on his own out there, stake his claim and be independent again, for god only knows why he feed on that kind of shit.
So once again, I'm laying in the new place where I call home, and not just because I come here after everyday to sleep, but because I come here after everyday to sleep with Justin. He's laying curled up on my side with his head on my chest, arm draped over my waist. Seems he always ends up there, in that exact position without fail. I used to tell myself I hated it, then it started to become second nature and now I couldn't fall asleep if he was using my as his personal pillow.
I look around our room which is only lit by the 24/7 glow of the lights of this busy city. I start to wonder why I didn't just go with him the first moment we decided he should come here and "conquer the art world". Considering all my attempts to move here for years, but never quite getting there. And to think that I didn't move here for a great new job offer and the promise of a more excited and excessive life or to get away from the Pitts and everything else. No, I left the only place I've ever known, my fucked up family and branched out Kinnetic just to follow the trick that never left. Amazing at what five years can do to a person...
Although I didn't cut all ties to the Pitts completely. We kept the country manner of Justin's dreams (although he did try to talk me into selling it numerous times, which I turned down of course) because not only does it make for a great vacation house and an excuse not to crash at Deb's when visiting, but also for what it means to Justin. I know he would never ask me to keep it for that purpose only, but I know what it symbolizes for him. The home we were to start together as a wedded couple. What he wanted out of life and me were all wrapped up in that house. So although he may act like he could part with it, I also know how his eyes light up when we pull up the long driveway and you see the grand house appear.
We try to visit the family as often as both our schedules allow, which is a weekend every three weeks to a month. If not I'm sure Debbie would hunt us down and chew us a new one. We usually spend the whole weekend at "Briton" ( although it was ment as a joke, the name sorta stuck and we never had the heart to change it after that). We have the whole gang come, although its never the same without the munchers and of course Gus and JR. Occasionally Mel and Linds are down visiting at the same time we are so I get to spend time with Sonny Boy. He's getting so big, and looking like me all the time which blows me away. As much as I love to spend time with him myself, I also love to watch him with Justin. It must be some connection Justin has with my gene pool that just clicks. Seems I'm not the only Kinney to fall for Justin's charms, well like father like son I suppose.
Which is another thing I have been tackling lately, trying to be the partner Justin has always wanted me to be, while still holding on to my own personality. He didn't want me to marry him and be romantic to make him happy, but it wasn't just to please him, it was pleasing me too. I could finally do the things I thought would cause me to bust into sudden flames without fear anymore. Maybe that jump from Asshole to Romeo was too big without much of a transition period. So, in true Kinney fashion, I left out the part about how this is what was making me happy, and instead decided to slowly add in tiny gestures so he wouldn't be so shell-shocked again. It did surprise me however that it was him, not me who reminded me that we didn't need marriage. Although I know he still has a little part of him that would love to run and buy a ring and get dressed up and do the whole grade gesture, but I think he finally realized himself that marriage is bullshit to a certain point. We live just like a married couple but without all the formality. I think it also takes a little pressure off our relationship as well and also makes sure we do indeed not become too domesticated. There's no way I would convert totally to the handsome husband walking in greeting the wife with a "Hi honey, I'm home!" and Justin sweeping the floors in an apron and pearls... unless that was all he was wearing, minus the pearls. Then I could just throw him down on the newly swept floor and ravage him. That's my kind of domesticated.
But with all this thought of the move, Gus and my almost wedding to Justin, it also got me thinking about how I managed to find myself at this point. If you would have told me five years ago, hell if you told me last year I was going to almost marry Justin and be living with him in New York and only fucking him because I wanted to... I would have told you you were crazy and to fuck off. I'll admit that the whole marriage issue was in the back of my head for a while although if anyone were to ask me at the time I would have fervently denied it. It was around the time of my cancer and Justin forgoing his move in with me for sunny California. Somehow, every now and then this little thought would pop in my head and it would scare me so much that no soon it was there I was pushing it down. There was no way that Brian Fucking Kinney was EVER thinking of marrying someone. I blamed it on the cancer, that it somehow got my brain mixed up and had be thinking nonsense. Or that death was almost at my door and the thought of never telling Justin how I really felt started to slowly eat at me now, but that feeling would go away now that I was all fine and fucking again. I think that has always been a issue with Justin, I've never know how to deal with all these feelings that he brings out of me. Everyone else just let me coast through without having to give a shit and just passed it off as that's just how I am. Justin dug deep down to the roots and forced me to show emotion, to let me feel comfortable with my real self.
I have asked myself why Justin is different so many time and I can up with just that many more answers. Everyday when he looks at me with a slightly different smirk or laughs a little harder or makes a new face while he's drawing, I find myself immersed and transfixed by it. There is just something about Justin that has me and wont let go. Everyday I seem to find or notice something else and know that he's different because I notice. I've never had the chance to be able to know someone's habits and features and body so intimately before. Given, I know my friends pretty well and can read them all like a book I've read a couple hundred times, but with Justin it was like as soon as I thought I memorized something about him, he would do a 180 on me. I used to blame that on his age and that he was still developing his personality and views, but now I see that he was just keeping me on my toes, challenging me.
I also think about if there had been another persistent twink, if someone else tried to follow me until I didn't mind them so much, would I have fallen for them? Would I have broken all my rules one by one, gone through five long years of baseball bats, fiddle players, cancer and a bomb and an almost marriage that had all of Liberty talking? I sometimes hope that I could have found love even if I hadn't stumbled upon Justin that night, but to be honest, I don't think anyone else could have done what he did. He didn't know about my reputation so he didn't assume I was going to be a shit to him after or that it was just a one time only deal. He didn't know my beliefs and where I stood on anything. No trick has ever expected anything but a good fuck from me. Or at least just to tell all their gossiping queen friends that they got the best fuck of their life from Liberty's own Brian Kinney. Justin came at me from the complete different angle by wanting the total opposite thing everyone else expected. The first guy since I became the heartless shit everyone knows me for, that wanted all that I had to offer, which given, at the time wasn't a whole hell of a lot. But he stuck it through with me somehow. And I constantly find myself so grateful for that, especially now. He gave me a chance when no one else would, gave me a chance to know love and not have the world end shortly after. To make up for the shitty childhood. To somehow make my life worth something to someone.
And now that I feel that my evolution is close to being complete, I find myself relived. That I no longer have this uphill battle all the time. I know there will always be problems, but after everything, they are a lot more trivial. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I don't have to constantly worry about how I'm coming across to people, making sure the mask is always up, that I don't need to queen out every time Justin whispers I love you after making love for a few hours. Because now I can whisper it back to him like I longed to do so many times in the past. I can now walk down the street holding his hand, not because he is afraid but because of wanting everyone to know we are together and I can wear a slight smile instead of my mask of indifference. I don't have to wake up in a drug induced haze or with a killer hang over not remembering what the hell happened the night before because he makes me want to remember. Im not scared of the changes I've made anymore, I used to think that this kind of person wasn't who I was. The fact was, I didn't want it to be who I was. Although if I knew how good it could be on this end I wouldn't have fought it so much in the beginning. I'm finally at peace with where I'm at in my life. Like that last piece of me that was always missing is finally in place.
"You know... all that thinking is going to cause wrinkles..." I hear Justin whisper into my chest, not even bothering to open his eyes, he just somehow knows. I snort at him. Making a jab at my vanity, the little shit.
"Twat..." I say with a soft chuckle.
He yawns and looks with his vibrant blue eyes with sleep present on his face to stare up at me. He placed the softest kiss on my lips and goes back to resting on my chest, using me as his personal pillow.
"Go back to sleep." I whisper back.
"I'll go to sleep if you will..." he say. His golden locks are all I see of him and I kiss the top of his head. He quietly nods against my chest and his breath already starts to even out, signaling he's already falling asleep.
I pull him in just a little closer and start to run my finger tips lightly up and down his bare back. I never knew how much my life would change when he suddenly appeared in it. But looking back tonight I finally know who I owe my happiness to.
A/N:: Like it? Hate it? Tell me tell me tell me:D