Shits and Giggles

{The following scene has no specific time or place. It is just as the title suggests.}

"LAY YOUR HANDS ON MEEE!!!"

A shake of Lucius Malfoy's bum signaled the finish of his Bon Jovi karaoke number. Narcissa Malfoy, stinking of every kind of alcohol available at the Hog's Head hooted and hollered and waved her cocktail high above her head, splashing some of the drink on Severus Snape's already untidy robes. Eyes narrowed, he dabbed at his clothes with a dusty napkin.

Narcissa's drunken catcalls were the only shouts of approval when Lucius sat. Without noticing the lack of appreciation, Lucius smothered his wife with a childlike hug of adoration.

"Oh! I just love my fans!"

Narcissa giggled drunkenly and did not speak out against Lucius' public display of affection, which was rather odd.

Lucius then slapped his dragon-leathered thigh and cocked his head toward Severus.

"I think it's time for somebody's musical number!" Lucius wiggled his eyebrows at him in a way that made Severus greatly uncomfortable.

"Um, not so much," Severus spat, turning away from Lucius' frightening stare. He lifted his shot glass to his lips and choked out more than he swallowed after Lucius slapped his hand hard on Sev's shoulder.

"What do you mean?! You have to go up there! The whole gang's gone up except you!"

It was true. Severus remembered far too vividly Tom Riddle's version of "Rapper's Delight" and with a cringe recalled Narcissa Malfoy's ironic rendition of "Like a Virgin." With a wink from Tom, who was dusting off the shotglasses behind the bar, and a toothy grin from Mrs. Malfoy his desire to not sing his heart out increased ten-fold. He let out a snort that signified his disapproval.

"C'mon, Sev!" hiccoughed Narcissa while not quite gently fisting Severus in the chin. "Git up thar en' knock 'em dead, kiddo!"

Severus massaged his chin until Narcissa grabbed him in an unexpected headlock. She hiccoughed and messed up his greasy hair while giggling in between.

"This guy!" she gushed. "This guy--hic--this is the guy!"

To make matters worse, all of the Hog's Head drinkers were staring him down, waiting hungrily for the next victim. Lucius was helping Narcissa back to her seat and wondering out loud.

"Hm, you think I should do 'Hungry Like the Wolf'?"

Severus stood up so abruptly he knocked over several drinks. He snatched the songbook away from Forrest (who was deliberating on whether or not to do "Fat Bottomed Girls") faster than it took Lucius to finish his delighted squeal.

"Ooh Sevy!" Lucius uttered while Severus flipped through the pages at top speed, not paying any heed to Lucius. "I knew you'd change your mind! I just knew it!"

Severus tapped his wand on his desired song's title. As he moved towards the performance area, Lucius hollered for him to stop.

"Wait for me, Sev!"--Lucius transfigured a Tequila bottle into a tambourine--"I'll play backup!"

By the time Severus was inches away from the microphone, he was far too terrified to protest. He gulped hard and stood before the Hog's Headers petrified and silent.

Jesus Christ! a contemptuous voice scorned inside his head. What the hell were you thinking you pale fool! Even Duran Duran was better than subjecting yourself to this abhorred humiliation! O cruel fate! O relentless t--

Severus' inner voice was silenced once the music started up. Forrest and Dolohov chuckled derisively and Narcissa Malfoy screeched.

Severus tried to block out the various disturbances and focused on the music, the lyrics ready on his tongue sputtered out shakily when his cue came up in the song.

"Though I've tried before to tell her

Of the feelings I have for her in my heart."

"YEAH BABY! TAKE IT OFF! WOOO WOOOO!"

While Narcissa continued to holler, Severus faked a smile that came off as a nervous grin regardless.

"Every time that I come near her

I just lose my nerve

As I've done from the start."

A few more women were following Narcissa's lead, but not quite as boldly. Severus timidly stumbled into the chorus while Lucius tapped the tambourine lightly, a little huffy that he couldn't thwack it to his heart's content.

"Every little thing she does is magic,

Everything she do just turns me on.

Even though my life before was tragic

Now I know my love for her goes on..."

Severus last note didn't waver in the slightest and was perfectly on pitch. Lucius' eyebrow quirked up and a prideful expression swept across his face. He also couldn't help shaking his behind to the beat of his own tambourine. Severus' posture straightened significantly and there was a slight swell in his chest as he transitioned into the next verse.

"Do I have to the story

Of a thousand rainy days since we first met?

It's a big enough umbrella

But it's always me that ends up getting wet!"

Severus felt as if the lyrics were his own heart's creation. He became visibly enwrapped in his performance and Lucius' wild jingling could not take the audience's attention away from the singer.

During the chorus, Tom, in his bartender's ensemble, climbed onto the bar and began spinning on top of his head and continued to break dance for the duration of the song. This act caused the excitement in the room to skyrocket to a point where even Minerva's inappropriate gestures and shouts could not be heard. Severus began the bridge, undaunted by the chaos and yet bettering his performance as he went.

"I resolve to call her up a thousand times a day,"

Severus then winked at a woman in the front row who swooned and fainted.

"And ask her if she'll marry me in some old fashioned way."

Lacy lingerie flew through the bar and gathered in a small pile in front of Severus.

"But my silent fears have gripped me

Long before I reach the phone

Long before my tongue has tripped me."

The crowd rose to their feet and began dancing. Macnair was spinning around Lara with one arm and dipping Minerva McGonagall with the other. Tom spun so fast that smoke began to creep up from the bar. Narcissa took turns using her mouth to holler and down cocktails.

"Must I always be alone?"

Lucius banged the tambourine with his head back and body swaying as if he had achieved musical nirvana. Severus sang with unrivaled fervor.

"Every little thing she does is magic!

Everything she do just turns me on!

Even though my life before was tragic

Now I know my love for her goes on!!"

Severus and Lucius were a bit surprised when the raucous crowd formed a conga line. They climbed the platform and forced the two performers out the door and onto the streets of Hogsmeade. The conga line, all singing "Ee-Oh!" along with the head of the train, danced their way down the cobblestone road. Severus' melodic and lively voice could be heard above them all as the group headed into the sunset, their moving bodies silhouetted against the amber sky ...