Imperfection
A/N: I know what ya'll are thinkin... I have like a gazillion other stories and really shouldn't be working on others...but to be fair, this has been sitting in my files for about six months now, I only just got around to completing it. So...yeah...I'm also working on another project. I know, I KNOW, you guys are all, BUT YOU HAVEN'T UPDATED WHAT THE HELL OR OH SHITE IN LIKE FOREVER WOMAN!!! but I can't help it. It's just so...and the plot bunny..and and and...well I've showed my earliest works on said project to inu-chan and steph-chan, and they both seem to like it, so right now I'm pouring all my focus into it. I just can't stop typing. It's like a curse. o.o It's in the earliest works and if I can keep myself from getting distracted... it'll be done in no time. So hopefully you'll be content to wait.
When Sesshoumaru Taisho is eight years old, he discovers that he needs glasses. And after much thought, he agrees to them, and is given a set of rectangular spectacles. Normally, kids his age look geeky or awkward, yet Sesshoumaru, in all his grace, manages to pull off the look effortlessly. Beautiful platinum hair, gorgeous golden eyes...
Even at the age of eight, he is the only one who can make an imperfection, seem perfect. So, it isn't considered as an imperfection, really. Just something that goes with his look. He is a Taisho, heir to Taisho Industries, an A+ student. A person like him doesn't have imperfections.
He isn't allowed.
Sesshoumaru knows this. He's discovered at an early age, that he isn't allowed to cry. Because when he cries, his nose gets red, his eyes blotchy, and spots start appear on his glasses. And his father's lips purse tightly together, as his eyes look down on him. He isn't allowed to cry, because when he does, when he let down his walls and shows the world just what lays behind the mask...
Everyone sees just how imperfect he really is.
And he isn't allowed to be.
So he learns not to cry.
At first it's difficult. When something upsets him, he tries so hard to bottle it up, until he just explodes, and before he knows it, he's back at square one, throwing a temper tantrum, acting like the little child he truly is. It isn't until he cleans his glasses for the umpteenth time after a temper tantrum, that he starts his own little mantra.
'If I cry, my glasses will get spots on them and I don't want to have to clean them again.'
Even though it's a stupid thought, one that shouldn't hold much meaning, it sticks to him. Whenever he feels like he is about to crack, like the walls are starting to bend, he reminds himself about how his glasses will get dirty, and thinks about how tedious it is to get them spotless again. And for some reason, it works.
Instead of looking down at him with shame, his father's eyes now hold pride. He is tall, proud, in control; everything a Taisho should be. So he keeps up with the charade, keeps repeating his mantra every time he feels like breaking down.
Sometimes, after a long night of being his father's puppet, when he loses sight of who he really is, when he is finally alone and no one can see him, he'll hold his glasses in his palm as he stares at his reflection, transfixed. Without the spectacles resting on his nose...he looks...
Perfect.
Yet so...weird.
He has grown accustomed to the glasses, has grown used to seeing them when he looks in the mirror. The glasses remind him of who he is. Remind him that while the world may see him as perfect, flawless, he isn't. And despite all else, he holds that thought close to him.
This is the only imperfection he is allowed to show to the world, he realizes.
And he cherishes it above all else.
About four times a year, his father brings up the subject of him getting contacts. And each time, Sesshoumaru is respectful, but unwilling to bend. The excuse he gives his father is a simple one; the idea of poking one's eye in order to see better seems ridiculous. His father will then simply roll his eyes and drop it, knowing the argument to be a fruitless one by now.
However, the truth is something else entirely.
He is afraid.
Afraid that if he gives up his glasses, his one and only imperfection, that his heart will stop beating, and he'll become exactly like his father. And while he may have the public and everyone else thinking that is exactly what he wants, it isn't.
Yet as the years pass by, and Sesshoumaru's father brings up the possibility of contacts more and more...
Sesshoumaru begins to fear that one day his father will win, and he'll have his spectacles taken away from him.
And that thought scares him more than anything else.
He doesn't want to walk in his father's footsteps.
Sometimes Sesshoumaru doesn't mind so much, being his father's puppet.
He realizes that the world is a cold cruel place, and without his father's guidance, he is lost. Blind. His father really does all the thinking for him. He is nothing but a robot, an empty shell taking orders, a puppet acting out the commands of it's master.
It's not so bad, really.
At least when he's under his father's thumb, he doesn't have to wonder about who he is. Has no doubts. He knows who he is. He is a young teen age boy who has his path of life set out in front of him. His entire future, planned. Schools, colleges, even possible future wives.
It's when he's all alone in his room, when the strings are loosened, that Sesshoumaru begins to wonder those questions that he supposes everyone his age starts to think about.
Who am I? What is my purpose? Why am I here?
Because when he's all alone...
He's no longer Sesshoumaru Taisho, heir to a multi-billion dollar company with his entire life scheduled. He's simply a confused boy with glasses, wondering where his place is in the world. Wondering if he'll ever manage to make a difference, or if he'll always be a mindless puppet.
And even though he knows if he tries hard enough, wants it bad enough, that his father will sever the strings...
He doesn't even begin to think such things. For he's seen how big and cruel the world can be, and simply doesn't have the nerve to leap out into the unknown all by himself.
When his father finally introduces him to Inuyasha, his younger half brother, the first thing that pops into Sesshoumaru's mind, is that he despises the boy. Inuyasha is loud, rash, rude and constantly getting into trouble. He brings shame shame upon his father every time he opens his big mouth.
The boy is careless, constantly saying things he has no right to be saying, much less thinking. He acts before he can possibly think about the consequences of his actions, not to mention the boy is a slob. No manners what so ever.
Sesshoumaru envies Inuyasha.
Because he is allowed to do everything he can't.
Inuyasha is able to have temper tantrums and crying fits.
Sesshoumaru has to remain perfect, poised, in control.
He constantly belittles Inuyasha for his rash behavior, but truth be told, he wishes he was able to those things.
The little brat is able to do whatever he wants, and doesn't even realize just how lucky he has it.
But sometimes, when Sesshoumaru catches Inuyasha hanging out by the fountain in the front yard, talking and laughing with his friends, he wonders if his brother really does know just how lucky he is. Because he'll look up at the last moment, just when he's about to turn away from the window, and smile.
It's the smile, that makes Sesshoumaru despise Inuyasha.
Partly because he knows the little brat is bragging...
And partly because he can't do that either.
When he meets Kagome Higurashi, he is immediately appalled. The girl is like a female version of Inuyasha. Loud, temper mental and moody. Yet she seems to hate his brother almost as much as he does, calling him names every time the two are in the same room.
Instead, she seems more taken to he, Sesshoumaru. The human statue. Which is exactly what she calls him, after spending a few minutes alone, trying to start up conversation. And while he knows a part of him should be enraged, he can't help but feel...something else.
For no one, besides Inuyasha, has ever called him something other than a compliment. She is the first one, to tell him he is something other than perfect. And so he reluctantly finds himself enjoying her company, as she continues to talk to him like a human being, rather than something superior.
He gets used to her little visits, and is quite shocked when she suddenly stops.
But knows who to go to for answers.
Sesshoumaru isn't wrong, as his father reveals that he paid Kagome six thousand dollars to stay away. And at first, he's hurt. He didn't think her to be the type of person to break off what was turning out to be friendship for money. Then his father tells him that she was a bad influence on him anyway, and he realizes that in a way, he's right.
For when he was with her, his walls started to tumble, and cracks began developing in them. And that wasn't allowed.
He's finally starting to feel a bit relieved, when Inuyasha hands him a thick envelope, saying it's from Kagome.
And as he opens up the letter, he isn't surprised to find six thousand dollars and a hastily written note.
I decided you were worth more. Meet me at the coffee place in an hour.
Ten minutes later, as he's walking down the sidewalk, he realizes that his father is hosting a dinner party in his honor, in an hour. Something he is required to attend. Yet he doesn't stop walking. In fact, his pace only increases as he strives to put as much distance between himself and the mansion as possible.
When he arrives at the coffee shop, and spots Kagome waiting there for him, his cell phone starts ringing. But he doesn't pick up. Smiling softly, he realizes that he has begun to sever the strings that bind him to his father, and is shocked to find that he isn't as scared as jumping into the unknown as he was before.
Why is that?
"SESSHOUMARU! Man, thought you'd never show! What took you so long?! I'm starving!"
Because he wouldn't be leaping into it alone, he realizes, as Kagome continues to prattle on.
When he's with Kagome, he realizes that it's harder to keep his walls up, and his mask in place. She doesn't deliberately try to make it difficult, it's just that there's this way about her, that makes one feel comfortable. A part of him is tempted to let the stone come crashing down. Yet another part of him is hesitant to do so.
The mask has been in place for so long...
He doesn't remember what's behind it anymore.
What if there's nothing there?
What if all that's left is an empty shell?
So he keeps his guard up, never letting her get closer than a certain point. For he's sure that if she crosses that line, and sees who he really is...she'll leave. And if she leaves, he truly will be lost. Her smile makes him feel more human. The way she acts so naturally around him...in a world where everyone worships the ground he walks on, that is a refreshing thing.
So away he keeps her, determined to never let her see anything he doesn't want to. He knows that eventually she'll find out, but wants to delay it for as long as possible.
However, one day he notices something's changed.
Somewhere along the way, Kagome had walked through all the walls, as if they weren't even there, and had seen what was behind the mask. And had seen how empty he was. Yet instead of turning away in disgust, she chose to instead give him depth, a purpose. Meaning. She has turned him into a person, someone capable of feeling.
And it is then that Sesshoumaru cuts the strings completely, realizing that he's long since jumped into the unknown.
Only, he's not falling, like he thought he would.
He's flying.
Two years later, when they're at the park, him reading a book and her circling around the bench on her skateboard, Kagome discovers the one thing he'd been hoping she wouldn't.
"You've never cried, Sesshoumaru. Not once. Why?"
And he hasn't. Even though she has given him depth, he still hasn't cried. There have been many situations that have called for tears, yet his eyes have never burned, his throat never tightened. Not even when his father had disowned him. Even then, he'd only felt pain, and maybe slightly relieved.
...Why?
Such a simple question, yet one that was also deep. Too many explanations, and only one accusation.
So, he simply says the first thing that comes to mind.
"If I cry, my glasses will get spots on them, and I don't want to have to clean them again."
Kagome looks at him with a disbelieving look on her face.
They stare at each other for a few minutes, before she says, with a 'you're an idiot' look on her face, "Then just get contacts. Duh."
He laughs so hard he cries.
I hope you guys liked it. Just something that's been on my mind. I wear glasses myself, and EVERY freaking time I cry, my glasses get spots on them. It's annoying. I think it has something to do with the salt in tears or whatever.
Happy Holidays people!