The Scarlet Pimpernel For Dummies

By The Lark

Disclaimer: Okay, you know the drill. SP isn't mine. I OWN NOTHING. ZILCH. NADA. NICHTS. RIEN.

Cast of Characters

The Scarlet Pimpernel: Masked hero and all around good guy

Lady Marguerite Blakeney: The "Cleverest Woman In Europe"; wife of Sir Percy

Sir Percy Blakeney, Baronet: British millionaire with an inane smile

Armand Chauvelin: The bad Armand; a member of the French Jacobin government

Armand St. Just: The good Armand; Marguerite's brother

Sir Andrew Ffoulkes: Sir Percy's best friend; member of the League of the Scarlet Pimpernel

Lord Anthony Dewhurst: Another member of the League of the Scarlet Pimpernel

Comtesse de Tournay: Judgemental French snob

Suzanne de Tournay: Daughter of the above; in love with Sir Andrew

Bibot: Guy with a guillotine

Jellyband: A nosy innkeeper

The Jew: A grimy old man; popular target for racism

Paris, 1792

Bloodthirsty French Mob: (crowds around guillotine, clamoring for blood) YEA! DEATH, DEATH, DEATH!!

Bibot: (marches several chained nobles onto the platform) Another day, another execution. Ah, how I love the smell of blood in the morning! But wait a minute! Somebody in this crowd isn't clamoring! (grabs a little street urchin from the crowd by the collar) Off with his head!

Crippled Old Man: But he's deaf and dumb. He can't clamor.

Bibot: (Ah, a wise guy, eh? whips out a set of rusty manacles) To the dungeons with you! (giggles gleefully) I love my work…

Hag in a Wagon: Ooh, blood. Cool! Can I have their scalps when you're done with them?

Bibot: What a sicko

Hag: Oh, shut up or I'll cough on you!

Bibot and the Mob: EEEEE! Run away!

Hag: Wimps (rips off her mask and wig, to reveal…)

The Scarlet Pimpernel: (strikes dashing pose) Haha! Yes, it is I, that demmed elusive

Pimpernel, come to rescue humanity from the evils of democracy!

League of the Scarlet Pimpernel: Yay! Pimpy, Pimpy, he's our man! If he can't do it, no one can!

The Pimpernel: Sink me, this heroism stuff rocks! (spirits prisoners away) Quick--to the Fop Mobile!

The Fisherman's Rest inn, Dover, a little bit later

Andrew Ffoulkes and Lord Tony: (skip triumphantly into the inn, the Comtesse de Tournay and her children in tow)

Lord Tony: Odd's fish, I love liberating these high class snobs! It's a lot more interesting than getting a real job.

Ffoulkes: La, I dunno. I think I've had enough of high adventure. I'm ready to settle down to a boring aristocratic life of cards, dice, and hen-pecking. (snuggles up to the daughter) You know Mademoiselle, this heroism stuff turns some women on…

Suzanne de Tournay: (blush) Hee hee. You know, this damsel in distress stuff turns some guys on…

(Corny romantic music begins to play)

Lord Tony: Ahem. Can we change the subject?

Jellyband the Inkeeper: Okay! How about if we sing the praises of the Scarlet Pimpernel for a while?

Everyone: M'kay! Pimpy, Pimpy, he's our man! If he can't do it, no one can! Yaaaaay, Pimpy!

Lady Marguerite Blakeney: (enters room) Hi everybody!

Everybody: (spits and hisses)

Marguerite: What? What'd I do?

Comtesse de Tournay: You reported a traitor to your government. Now you must be ostracized.

Marguerite: But why?

Comtesse de Tournay: Because we're aristocrats, and ostracizing people is one of the perks.

Marguerite: Meanie.

Comtesse de Tournay: (begins to sputter indignantly) You have insulted my honor. (taps her son on the shoulder) Hey you, sic her!

Sir Percy Blakeney, Bart. (walks inside) Hi everybody. What's all the ruckus? (inane smile)

Vicomte de Tournay: Your wife and my mommy had an argument. Now we have to have to battle to the death.

Sir Percy: (yawn) Get real, you crazy frog-eater. Zounds, I could break a nail! (wanders off in search of a mirror)

Marguerite: Wimp. (sigh) Why did I have to fall in love with a loser like him? Why couldn't I have fallen for someone dreamy like that Pimpernel guy?

Lord Tony and Sir Andrew: (look uneasy)

Marguerite: (despondent sigh) Oh, Percy… (steps out outside)

When I look at you

What I always see

Is the face of someone else who once belonged to me!

And love--

The Author of this Parody: (taps on her computer screen) Hey, cut that out! This is supposed to be based on the novel version, not the musical.

Marguerite: Whoops. Well, suffice it to say, my marriage is in a shambles.

Armand St. Just: (hugs her) Well, I still love ya, sis!

Marguerite: Right back at ya, bro.

(Insert unrealistically warm and fluffy family moment here)

Armand: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I have to get back to my bloodthirsty comrades in France.

Marguerite: Bye then. Don't lose your head!

Armand: Not funny (goes home)

Marguerite: (despondent sigh)

Chauvelin: (inhales snuff) Hey, Citoyenne, remember me? Your old boyfriend Chauvelin!

Marguerite: (looks annoyed) Chauvelin, for the three-hundred-and-fifty-seventh time, you're not my boyfriend.

Chauvelin: Whoops, did I say that out loud?

Marguerite: Yeah. Fortunately, though, I'm so lonely that even you seem like good company.

Chauvelin: (inhales snuff) So, how's life with the fop?

Marguerite: (deadpan) Don't go there

Chauvelin: (inhales snuff) That bad, huh? Told ya so. Well okay, I'll cut to the chase. I've come to ask you to help me spy on that demmed elusive Pimpernel.

Marguerite: When Hell freezes over! (wistful sigh) The Pimpernel's dreamy…mmm

Chauvelin: Hee hee…secretive grin Oh, think I might be able to persuade you otherwise…(evil laughter) heh heh heh heh…MWAHAHAHAHAHA-- (pauses to inhale snuff) --HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Marguerite: (wanders back inside) Weirdo. He must have forgotten his meds again.

The Convent Garden Theatre:

Assorted snobs: What's this? The ugly little Republican has crashed our party!

Comtesse de Tournay: (fumbles for smelling salts) AGH! RUN! He's come to have Lady Blakeney trap the Pimpernel!

Lady Portarles: Quit ragging on Lady Blakeney, you crazy old bat.

Chauvelin: (inhales snuff) Marguerite, I've come to have you trap the Pimpernel.

Marguerite: (annoyed) What part of "when Hell freezes over" don't you understand?

Chauvelin: (inhales snuff) Okay, let me put it this way--help me find out who the Pimpernel is, or your brother gets it!

Marguerite: (despondent sigh) Okay, fine, I'm in. (lowers her voice) Nasty little son of a --

Chauvelin: What?

Marguerite: (looks innocent) Nothing, Citoyen!

Lord Grenville's Ball

Sir Percy: (inane smile) Hiya! Who's the frog-eater? (points at Chauvelin's clothes) Ha ha! Chambertin shops at Wal-Mart!

Marguerite: (weary sigh) Percy, go play.

Sir Percy: (inane smile) La. Okay. (turns to the Prince of Wales) Hey, wanna hear my new song?

Prince of Wales: Duh…m'kay.

Sir Percy: They seek him here, they seek him there, those Frenchies seek him everywhere! Is he in Heaven or is he in Hell? That demmed elusive Pimpernel!

Assorted snobs: Nicely done, Blakeney (applaud enthusiastically) He may be an idiot, but he sure is entertaining!

A Few Hours Later:

Marguerite: Let's see…gotta find someone to tell me about the Pimpernel…

Ffoulkes: (conveniently appears)

Marguerite: He'll do falls on him

Ffoulkes: Um…are you okay there?

Marguerite: (snatches a paper from his pocket) Yoink! (begins to snoop)

Ffoulkes: Hey! Gimme back that secret messag-…er, I mean, love letter.

Marguerite: Uh…right…love letter. Sure (hands it back) Hehehehehehe…(runs out sneakily)

Ffoulkes: (lifts an eyebrow quizzically) Well, that was weird. What on Earth would a notoriously bloodthirsty Republican sympathizer want with a document revealing the whereabouts of the Republic's most hated enemy?

Marguerite: Alright, Chauvelin, I found out that the Pimpernel's going to be in the library at one. Happy?

Chauvelin: Very.

Marguerite: What about my brother?

Chauvelin: (pulls out his snuffbox) Not now, Citoyenne, I have to go feed my nicotine addiction. (wanders off)

Marguerite: scowls Those demmed frog-eaters. (facepalm) Dang it, now he's got me doing it! That's it, I'm out of here.

Blakeney Manor, Richmond, a few more hours later:

Marguerite: (wandering around sulkily) Man, it sucks to be me. (notices Percy passing nearby) Hey, Percy, get over here and console me!

Sir Percy: glowers No way. You've treated me like dirt ever since we got married, remember?

Marguerite: Only because you thought I was a murderess.

Sir Percy: Well, why shouldn't I? You never told me otherwise. Sink me, what did you

want me to do--grovel at your feet, blindly believing in your perfection?

Marguerite: Yep

Sir Percy: Well, you can forget it, doll-face--I'm my own man, not some stupid little lap-dog.

Marguerite: Then why are you wearing that dog leash around your neck?

Sir Percy: Because the Prince finds it amusing. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got places to go and cravats to try on.

Marguerite: WAAAAAAAAAAAAA! But the murder wasn't my fault!

Sir Percy: It wasn't? (sheepishly) Oh…Um…La. Guess I shouldn't have let all my friends ostracize you for the past year then, huh?…(sigh) Aw, shucks, don't get all weepy on me. What was it that you wanted?

Marguerite: (stops crying abruptly) Save my brother

Sir Percy: Very well.

Marguerite: (brightens) Thanks, baby!

Sir Percy: Yeah, yeah. Just go on up to bed so I can be alone to wallow in my guilt.

Marguerite: Okay (walks away)

Sir Percy: (kisses the ground she has walked on)

Random Servant: Um, are you okay, Sir Percy?

Sir Percy: (looks embarrassed) How many times have I told you people? Never interrupt me when I'm alone with my driveway! Oh, never mind that, I've got a brother-in-law to

rescue (goes to get his horse)

Marguerite: Where're you going in such a hurry?

Sir Percy: To go save your brother, remember?

Marguerite: Well, don't get yourself killed or anything. You're awfully cute when you're not acting like a dork. Hurry back!

Sir Percy: Anything for you, baby! La, you're pretty cute yourself when you're not treating me like dirt. Bye!

Marguerite: (skips upstairs happily) Yay! Mmm, my man's so brave. I guess I love him, even if he is about as sharp as a doorknob.

The Next Day:

Marguerite: (wanders into Percy's room) Gosh, I wish my man were here to comfort me. Ah well, I guess I'll just have to settle for snooping through his room until he gets back. (pokes about) Hm, looks like he's got some taste after all. I wonder why he's always acting like such a dolt? And why he's always taking mysterious trips out of the country? And why the trips always seem to coincide with the Pimpernel's rescue missions? And why he's got a bunch of maps of France, marked with escape routes, hanging in his room? And why he's got a scarlet pimpernel engraved into his ring? (looks thoughtful) I'm sure I can figure it out, after all, I am the cleverest woman in Europe…Of course! Percy must be secretly plotting to run away to Paris and become a male fashion model!

Suzanne: Hi Marguerite! How's it going?

Marguerite: Pretty well, and with you?

Suzanne: Oh, I'm in a great mood! The Scarlet Pimpernel's just gone to France to rescue my dad.

Marguerite: (gets a light bulb over her head) Of course! The Scarlet Pimpernel! (dances away gleefully) Percy's the Scarlet Pimpernel! Wow, my man is soooo cool! Too bad I just betrayed him. (suddenly serious) Gah! Oh no! I just betrayed him! Somebody help!

London:

Marguerite: Sir Andrew! Sir Andrew!

Ffoulkes: Yes Lady Blakeney?

Marguerite: No time for chit-chat. My man is in deep trouble!

Ffoulkes: You mean you know about the Scarlet Pimpernel? Sir Percy said he wasn't going to tell you because he was afraid you'd betray him. So, what's wrong?

Marguerite: I betrayed him!

Ffoulkes: Odd's fish, what were you thinking?

Marguerite: You can't blame me for that! I'm the heroine, remember?

Ffoulkes: Oh, right. Sorry.

Marguerite: No problem. Now tell me where I need to go to rescue that dreamy leader of yours.

Ffoulkes: You rescue Percy? But I'm the trusty sidekick--that's my job. Besides, you're a chick.

Marguerite: (grabs him by the collar and shakes him threateningly) Don't mess with me, Sir Andrew. You seem to be forgetting my reputation for having anyone who crosses me killed.

Sir Andrew: (suddenly helpful) I await your orders

Marguerite: Good. Now take me to my baby!

(They ride away)

Marguerite: Good evening, Jellyband. Sir Andrew and I need a room.

Jellyband: (to Sir Andrew) Um, let me get this straight. You and your best friend's hot wife want a motel room?

Sir Andrew: Yeah. Don't worry, we won't need it for the whole night--just a couple of hours

Jellyband: (with his jaw on the floor) I…see (covers his daughters ears) Sally, go to your room!

Sir Andrew: (goes upstairs and dresses up in a costume)

Marguerite: You look perfect

Jellyband: Odd's life, you people are really starting to freak me out

Marguerite: (hands him some gold) Any more complaints?

Jellyband: (shuts up) No, milady!

Sir Andrew: We'll have to stay here tonight. It's too windy out to cross the Channel right now.

Marguerite: (despondent sigh) Very well. It'll give me a chance to do some more pining. (pines)

Calais, The Next Day:

Marguerite: (walks into the Gris Nez) Funny, this trashy French inn looks a lot like that trashy British inn, doesn't it, Sir Andrew? (to the innkeeper Brogard) Say, Citoyen, you wouldn't happen to have seen a tall, dreamy English hero come through here lately?

Brogard: Yep

Marguerite: begins to jump up and down, cheering Who-hoo! Yay! My man's here!

Sir Andrew: (clamps a hand over her mouth) Shut up

Marguerite: What? Oh, right, that whole "mortal danger" thing.

Ffoulkes: And don't celebrate yet. Chauvelin's here, too.

Marguerite: Oh no! I don't think I could bear to look upon a man as badly dressed as he.

Ffoulkes: Besides, even if we do manage to find Sir Percy, he's going to be busy saving your brother

Marguerite: Huh? Who?

Ffoulkes: Your brother. Armand St. Just. The guy you just betrayed your husband for.

Marguerite: Oh, right, Armand.

Ffoulkes: Aw, don't worry, Percy can handle it. He's heroic, remember?

Marguerite: Mmm…heroic…(begins to giggle absurdly)

Ffoulkes: Well, I've got to be going. Official sidekick business, you understand. (leaves her)

Marguerite: (looks around restlessly) AGH! (spots Chauvelin) Chauvelin! (covers her mouth) Must remain calm…

Chauvelin: (to one of his yes-men) Right, right, so we're going to get the Pimpernel tonight on the beach near Pere Blanchard's hut? Excellent.

Percy: enters Why hello there, Monsieur Chambertin! (sits down at his table) Sink me, your outfit sure could use some work. Real men wear makeup and lace, you know. (inane smile)

Chauvelin: Sir Percy, you're not supposed to start mispronouncing my name until the second book in the series, remember?

Percy: Oh yeah. Well, nice chatting with you. Bye! leaves the room

Marguerite: (squeals like a crazed fan girl) Mmm, he's so hot when he's insulting those with no fashion sense.

Chauvelin: Blast it all, I'm going to get that idiot! (beckons to his yes-man) Come on, let's go capture the Pimpernel! Did you surround the beach with soldiers?

Yes-Man: Yeah. Seems like an awful lot of manpower just to capture one guy, though. Wouldn't if be more useful to save them for that long, grueling war with Austria?

Chauvelin: Shut up. You're supposed to be a yes-man.

Yes-Man: Hey, whatever happened to Liberte, Egalite, and Fraternite?

Chauvelin: (inhales snuff) That went out with culottes. Now hurry along! to the innkeeper Have you seen a tall, irritating English hero?

Brogard: Yep. He was borrowing a wagon from some Jew to drive to the beach.

Chauvelin: Well, what are we waiting for? To the beach, and step on it!

Marguerite: NOOOOOOOOOO! He can't kill my man! (despondent sigh) Oh well. I guess there's nothing left for me to do but go and die with him. Oh, how wretched I am! Oh, what torture love is! Oh, how--

Brogard: (cuts her off in mid-wail) I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. You're frightening all my customers away.

Marguerite: (runs after Chauvelin)

The Cliffs Near Calais:

Marguerite: Yeow! My feet are a bloody pulp. I suppose, being the cleverest woman in Europe, I should have had the foresight to bring some running shoes along on this adventure.

Chauvelin: Look, it's the Jew! You, there, grimy old Jew. Take us to Pere Blanchard's hut.

The Jew: Anything you wish, my racist friend (does as he's told)

Marguerite: (runs after them…again)

Chauvelin: (to the Jew) Thanks, you've been very helpful. Unfortunately, being a Jew, you can't be trusted. binds and gags the Jew Hey, what's that sound? feels around in the dark

Marguerite! (ties her up) Heh heh! Let's see you rescue your precious fop now!

Marguerite: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Chauvelin: (shoves a gag in her mouth) Could you keep it down a bit, Citoyenne? That really hurt my ears. Now, if you'll just sit here and shut up, I'll let your brother go like I promised.

Marguerite: (screams a slough of choice words that are muffled by the gag)

Chauvelin: (to his men) Now go get the Pimpernel.

(They do)

Marguerite: NOOOOOOOOO! Run Percy! Run Armand! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Chauvelin: (cringe) Somebody put that gag back in her mouth! gags her Much better

Chauvelin's Yes-Men: (march back to him, shuffling their feet awkwardly) Uh, sorry boss, but they kind of got away.

Chauvelin: You idiots! Off with your heads!

Chauvelin's Yes-Men: But we were only following your stupid orders!

Chauvelin: Silence! (notices a slip of paper on the ground) What's this? (reads) Why, the Pimpernel's not even here! He's back at the creek! We'd better hurry before he gets away!

Yes-Men: (wearily follow) Ugh. And we don't even get paid overtime for this.

Chauvelin: And don't forget to beat up the Jewish guy before we leave

Yes-Men: sigh Yes sir. (lash the Jew)

Marguerite: (still tied up on the beach near the Jew) Uh, hello? Guys? What about me?

Chauvelin: What? Oh. I guess you'll just have to stay here until I can spare a guy to untie you. Mwahahaha! So long, suckers! (charges away, his yes-men reluctantly trailing behind him)

Marguerite: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! PERCY! ARMAND! OH, WOE IS ME!

The Jew: Chill, Margot. Here I am! (rips of his wig and mask to reveal…)

Sir Percy: Ta-da!fMarguerite: (falls into his arms) Percy-kins!

Sir Percy: Yep. I just got back from rescuing your brother, and now we're all set for the happy ending.

(Long, sappy kissing scene)

Marguerite: My hero! I'm so sorry! Can you ever forgive me for that whole treachery thing?

Sir Percy: Sure. No problem. (lifts her into his arms)

Marguerite: Percy, weren't you just brutally whipped across the back? Shouldn't that hurt a little bit?

Sir Percy: Nothing can harm me. I'm heroic, remember? Now, let's go back to my yacht and sail off into the sunset.

(Insert corny romantic music)

THE END