Author's Note: As promised, the second part of my vampire parody. Who says I don't update.

Disclaimer: Most of my pop culture references are inaccurate.

Vampires, Werewolves, and Ghosts, oh my! (part II)

It was a beautiful sunny morning in Destiny Islands, and Sora was practicing his new super fun vampire powers outside of the vampire mansion. Once the coven leader the Genie had explained that vampires were not affected by sunlight or garlic and didn't need to kill humans and drink their blood, Sora was relived because he really wanted to be a vampire but didn't want any of the consequences.

The kind brunette had always thought that vampires were just misunderstood and darkly romantic creatures, they weren't evil or anything. They reminded him of his favorite book, Wuthering Heights and Vampires by Emily Bronte and Seth Grahame-Smith. Now that he had found out that the brooding and mysterious yet sexy Kairi was a vampire, Sora was determined to win her undying love. Or was he even in love with Kairi? Werewolf Riku had been looking even more buff than usual, after all.

Sora glanced over into the forest, where a shirtless Riku thought he was hiding behind a palm tree. Riku had clearly miscalculated how well Silver hair and yellow surf pants would blend into tropical foliage. It makes complete sense that Riku's a werewolf, Sora thought to himself. He does always have his shirt off lately. I knew he was lying about four month laundry day.

Now, sparkling like a unicorn in the warm tropical sun, the youngest vampire put aside his love problems, determined to find a good and humanitarian use for the dark gift that the Genie had given him. He went through his inventory of supercool vampire powers to determine which one would be the most useful.

Sora leaped high into the air, and felt his body lighten like a feather. He looked down at the vampire mansion below him. He was flying, drifting in the wind, being a vampire was the coolest thing ever!

"Sora! Hey Sora!" A tiny flash of red hair called out his name from the ground. Sora laughed and swooped down towards the ground to meet vampire Kairi.

"Hey vampire Kairi!" Sora called, "why didn't you just fly up to meet me?" Kairi looked at him like he was an idiot.

"You're an idiot, Sora!" Kairi rolled her eyes, "Vampires can't fly. All that stuff about cool vampire powers is just outdated Anne Rice crap. Vampires have evolved, we've become emotional, sensitive, delicate, and powerless. We're much cooler now." Sora was shocked. There was no other explanation for his ability to glide, transform, summon, and shoot fire, ice, wind, and gravity out of his keyblades. HIs strange powers must have been a result of the prophecy that Kairi had spoken of!

#FLASHBACK#

The beautiful redhead gazed deeply and broodingly into Sora's eyes.

"The prophecy has said that you will help us finally destroy our werewolf enemies. Especially Cogsworth the Bloody," she whispered dramatically. "You will be the most powerful vampire who has ever unlived! But you definitely don't have any special vampire powers. The prophecy doesn't say how you defeat the werewolves, probably with love or some bullshit. The whole thing is pretty vague, actually."

Sora gazed back silent and serious. They both stared at each other unspeaking for several more scenes, until Sora shook his head suddenly.

"Sorry, what did you say?" Sora asked apologetically, "I totally missed that, I was daydreaming about Ri...someone's abs."

#END FLASHBACK#

Now that Sora's amazing vampire powers had manifested, he would be able to fulfill the prophecy and win Kairi's heart!

"Wait," Sora asked suddenly, "so what do most vampires do if they don't drink blood, sleep in coffins, or fly?"

"Oh, well our eyes turn red sometimes" Kairi offered thinking hard. "Mostly we just go to High School and talk about our feelings. And strip."

Being a vampire was so cool. Sora felt privileged to be a part of this elite vampire coven.

...............

The next day at High School was so much better now that Sora was a vampire. Okay, so he still had to go to the same classes, the same teachers, and the same responsibilities. He still had to take remedial physics, and the Professor Ansems still hated him even though they were vampires too. Whatever, at least Sora got to wear his cool stripper clothes!

As Sora walked down the school hall way, everyone stared at him because he was so sexy now that he was a vampire.

"No! Sora!" Sora's friend Yuna grabbed on to his arm. "You not an EMO kid living in a PREP world again, are you?"

"Nope, vampire." Sora clarified.

"Oh cool, me too." Yuna sighed with relief. As Sora looked around, he realized that almost everyone in his high school was either a vampire or a werewolf. Suddenly, Sora saw his only two non-vampire/werewolf friends Leon and Yuffie the ghosts, who floated over to say hello.

"Oooooo, helloooooo Sooooraaa," Yuffie moaned happily in a ghost voice. Sora shivered as the temperature dropped with the approach of the unrestful spirits. It was really weird that he'd never noticed Leon and Yuffie were ghosts, Sora reflected.

Leon rolled his eyes. It was so lame that they had to be ghosts while everyone else was a sexy vampire or a sexy werewolf. Stupid Cloud doesn't have to be a ghost, Leon thought to himself grumpily. He and Yuffie couldn't even have ghost sex, they'd tried. The school janitors still couldn't get the ectoplasm off of the music practice room walls. Whatever, Leon decided angrily, he didn't want to have ghost sex with Yuffie anyway. He wanted to have ghost sex with Patrick Swayze from the movie Ghost. Or that Grudge chick cleaned up nicely. As Leon started getting angrier, the lights flickered and one of the locker doors grabbed a passing cheerleader and dragged her in to the darkness by her hair before slamming shut. A violinist was suddenly strangled by his own bow.

"Oooooo Squuuuuaaal OOooooo," Yuffie whined.

"Oooo whatever." Leon monotoned. The two of them floated through the wall of their next period class still arguing.

"I really feel bad I didn't notice they were ghosts," Sora mentioned to Yuna as they hurried off to their AP Vampire vs. Werewolf History class.

.................

(If this was a real story, this is where I would have useful background information to make everything less confusing!)

As Sora walked through the door to Vampire vs. Werewolf History, he saw Riku lounging indolently near the back of the class. Sora wondered how Riku's shirtlessness had slipped through dress-code check. The brunette vampire's heart skipped a beat as he realized that Kairi hadn't shown up to class, and he was figuratively alone with the handsome shirtless werewolf. Oh how could his beloved Kairi abandon him like this, he wondered. Nervously he made his way to the back of class to sit down next to Riku, who was now winking at him suggestively and tossing his hair. Sora almost couldn't resist these intense yet platonic seduction techniques.

"Hey, Riku what's up?" Sora smiled at his best friend.

"What's up? What's up! That's all you have to say?" Riku growled darkly. "I thought we were friends, but would a friend go off alone for almost eight hours without even bothering to come visit me? Would a real friend talk to other people besides me?"

"Ummmm, no?" Sora guessed.

"It seems to me that you've found new friends Sora," the silver haired boy looked at him heartbrokenly. "I guess you don't need me anymore."

"What? No that's not true, Riku!" Sora cried.

"It's too late, Sora." Riku whispered tearfully. The muscular shirtless werewolf got up from his seat, tossed Yuna over his shoulder, and walked to the door.

"You made me kidnap this girl Sora," Riku sobbed as he ran out, "This is your fault! We could have had eternity together! Platonically, not in a gay way!"

"Riku," Sora whispered sadly as he looked at the empty doorway. "Don't worry Riku, I'll find you. I'll bring you back home."

Riku poked his head back through the door. "That reminds me; I still need a ride home, is that cool?" He disappeared again.

"Oh, don't worry Sora," Professor Ansem said comfortingly. "He'll come crawling back to the darkness. He always does."

..................

(Clumsy Exposition!)

Later that day in the cafeteria there was a huge and epic vampire vs. werewolf fight. All of the werewolves walked in shirtless (even the girls!) and stood around looking menacing. The vampires got pissed off and outraged, so they started walking around and sparkling. One of the werewolves pointedly knocked over a vampires tray, and then the carnage started. It looked exactly like that scene in Twilight were the vampires and werewolves fight. (Or was that Underworld? Or maybe True Blood? I should really watch some of these things before I try to parody them.) Without their precious chosen one leading them, the vampires were massacred. Cogsworth the Bloody, bathed in the blood of his eternal enemies that day.

Sora didn't hear about the Great Vampire vs. Werewolf Food Fight of 2010 until days later. He had left school early, to figure out his love life and find Riku and Kairi. The food fight had seemed harmless at first, in a unfortunate and tragic coincidence it was silver garlic pie day. Both the vampires and the werewolves were killed almost instantly. Even though I said earlier that garlic didn't hurt vampires, apparently I was wrong and it does. Kiss my ass, I'm bored with this vampire story.

...................

As his fellow vampires died in horrible agony, Sora wandered the streets desperately looking for his two friends. The blue-eyed vampire had to wonder why he always had to spend years searching for Riku and Kairi whenever one of the had a dumb idea or a hissy fit. When was it Sora's turn to get kidnapped? Waiting for his friends to come rescue him in a comfy prison sounded wonderful compared to the shit he had to go through on his quests. Spotting the town vampire baker, Sora ran up to him.

"Excuse me! I'm looking for my friends, have you seen them?" Sora cried out. "There names are Ri-"

"No! Goddamn it Sora!" The vampire baker hissed. "No one's seen Riku and Kairi. Stop asking!"

"Every goddamn week its the same thing..." the older vampire muttered as he turned away.

Sora shrugged confused. That was the answer he had started getting from everyone he asked about Riku or Kairi. As he continued his search to find his friends, Sora considered his two love interests. At first, he had been intrigued by Kairi's mysteriousness and attracted to her deep and brooding personality. Their relationship had passion and danger. He had been so crushed when Kairi had abandoned him and hadn't come to class, he almost hadn't been able to go on living. Yet, while Kairi was away he had really bonded with Riku. The silver haired boy had just been a friend at first, but then he proved himself to be something more. Riku had comforted him after Kairi had broken his heart. Riku was safe, stable, and reliable. Kairi was dangerous and impulsive. Sora just didn't know who to choose.

Suddenly Sora was struck with a flash of inspiration. He knew where Kairi and Riku were!

..................

As he walked in the Vampire Kitty Cat Strip Club, Sora suddenly felt like he was home again. He glanced over at the stage and saw his twin brother Roxas working the vampire stripper pole. Sora felt both proud and disgusted. Heading to the bar, Sora saw familiar flashes of silver and red. Sora felt stupid for not realizing where his friends would be earlier.

Running up behind the two, Sora yelled "Riku! I found you! I've looked everywhere for you!" Riku turned around slowly. He probably had a weird outfit on, like a cloak or a hula skirt or Ansem's body.

"Sora? How can you even look at me after the way I've betrayed you?" The silver haired werewolf asked his friend with self-loathing in his voice. Before Sora could reply, Cogsworth the Bloody burst through the door to the Kitty-Cat Vampire Club holding a stake and a cross.

"Where are you Sora-the-Vampire?" Cogsworth screamed. "I'll avenge my pack."

Cogsworth ran towards Sora, who stood frozen in fear. Several minutes passed, as Cogsworth's ran across the room on his tiny clock legs. It seemed as if there was no way for Sora to survive the attack, but then at the last possible second Riku leaped in front of Sora blocking him with his body. Cogsworth breathed his last breath, and died on the dirty strip club floor.

"Why would you do that for me?" Sora wonderingly asked his wounded friend.

"Because I love you, Sora," Riku whispered. "As a friend."

Kairi and Sora looked on sadly as Riku lay injured and struggling to breath. Truly he had been redeemed in their eyes by that one last selfless act. After Riku had been injured, the three friends realized that they all loved each other equally but differently. They also realized that it was foolish to fight when life was so fleeting. But it was too late for Riku.

Haha, just kidding. Riku sat up completely uninjured (stakes can't kill werewolves, duh) and Sora celebrated this miracle by showing off his new moves on the stripper pole. Kairi started drinking and unfortunately lost her dignity and her bra, but not in that order. All the important characters survived the story, and everyone lived happily for the rest of eternity.

The End