CHAPTER 43 Final chapter

"No…No…Please…No…I'm sorry…Don't…No…"

Bobby's cries and shaking woke her. It took Alex several moments to realize where she was and what was happening. It wasn't a storm that woke her; it was Bobby in the throes of a nightmare.

"No…I'm sorry…Don't go…Please…" He twisted on the bed and sweat shone on his body.

"Bobby…Bobby…It's all right. You're safe. You're home. You're safe in your bed. I'm here. You're safe." Alex carefully and gently touched his cheek.

Bobby's eyes opened, and he stared wildly around him. He found and focused on Alex, and shuddered in relief.

"Alex!" he cried, and wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to him. "Oh…Alex…"

He shivered, and Alex heard his heart pound and race.

"It's ok." She placed her palm on his chest. "I'm right here…You're safe…I'm here…"

He took several deep breaths, his hands roving through her hair, until he calmed.

"I…I'm sorry," he said. "Please…Give me a minute." He nearly jumped from the bed and winced as he stood. Alex nearly cried out when she saw the scars on his back. She was almost used to seeing them, but there were still moments when they shocked her.

"Bobby…"

"I…I'll be back…Just a minute." He strode out of the bedroom, leaving a confused Alex sitting on the bed.

"Ok," she thought. "He's spooked…" She reached for one of his shirts on the floor.

He returned from the bathroom and slipped on his boxers and T-shirt before he sat on the bed.

"The scars," he asked softly. "They scare you?"

"Sometimes," she admitted.

"Sometime they frighten me." He swung his legs up into the bed. He placed several pillows behind him and leaned against them. He opened his arms, and Alex nested against his chest. "Please," he said. "Please forgive me."

"Why? What is there to forgive?"

"I need to tell you something," he said softly. "I should've talked to you last night. Before…But…I couldn't…I…I wanted to be with you…To make love to you…To make you happy…I…It might have been the last time…"

"Bobby…What do you mean?" Alex tried to rise, but he clung to her.

"Please…Please don't run away…Please listen to me," he pleaded.

"Of course I'll listen to you…"

"Ok…Ok…" Bobby rested his chin on Alex's head. He took a deep breath. "I…I'm considering resigning from the Department."

Alex jerked in surprise, and Bobby's body stiffened in response.

"I'm not going anywhere," Alex said after a moment. "But why?"

"Things haven't changed," Bobby said. "I'm still the whack job. I'm still the guy some people think deserved a rat in his desk."

"Bobby…You know that most cops…That all of Major Case…"

"I know…I know what you and Ross and Huang keep telling me…I know a lot of cops looked for me…But even the ones who think I'm a good cop stare at me when I walk through the squad room. They stared at me when I first came to Major Case, and they'll stare at me when I leave it. And there're people in the Department…There's the Chief of Ds…If he didn't want me dead, he certainly doesn't want me around…"

"Bobby…Moran is…Well, a moron," Alex said. "There's plenty of the Brass that…"

"But most of it," Bobby said. "It at least doesn't want to be associated with me…And let's be realistic…They're not going to let me back on the job…Not really…Not a detective who was tortured by a notorious serial killer…And I can't blame them…What if I do snap?"

"Bobby…That won't happen…You're strong…"

"It doesn't matter what you and Ross and Huang think…They'll have to keep me on as window dressing…They can't fire me…Not after this…But they won't let me do the job…And…And I'm afraid." He swallowed. "I'm afraid they'll separate us…Of…If you stay with me…They'll keep you away from the job too…You've already given up so much…For you not to be able to do the job…It's wrong…"

"Bobby." Alex finally freed herself from his arms. "All of this wasn't your fault…You know that…"

"And there's Ross." Bobby continued as if he didn't hear Alex. "I may have ruined his career…He's had to protect me…"

"Bobby…"

"I'm a danger, Alex…I'm a danger to you and anyone who's with me…You're right…Most cops will back me up…But the few who won't…"

Alex struggled to find something to say to him.

"And…In the end…" Bobby shook his head. "I'm tired…It's so selfish…But I'm tired. I'm so tired. Tired of having my work and opinions questioned. I know I'm not perfect. But I have to explain everything. I have to hear you explain everything. I think I deserve a little trust. I'm tired of being used up and thrown away. I don't want medals and awards or attention or press conferences. But a "thank you" every once in a while would be nice. And…I'm tired of the stares. I'm tired of not being part of the group. I…I know I'm not one of the guys…I've never been one of those guys who was one of the guys…But…But…"

He struggled not to cry.

"It's not going to happen," Bobby said. "Any more than it was going to happen when I played ball or when I was in the Army…And it's just not worth trying any more…"

Alex tried to slow her racing thoughts.

"I…I haven't done anything," Bobby continued. "Because…I'm not sure what I'm doing…I didn't want to make any decision without talking to you…Because…The one great thing about the job…The reason I keep coming back…It…Because you…Because you're there…"

Alex wrapped her arms around him.

"Please…Alex…Please…" He buried his face in her neck. "Please…Don't leave me…Don't…"

"Bobby…Calm down…I'm not going anywhere…Please…"

"I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…I…This must be…I must be such a disappointment to you," Bobby whispered against her neck.

"No…No… Never…Confusing, but never a disappointment…" Alex rubbed his back. "Let…Let's talk about this…If…If you'd leave…" It was hard for her to say the words. "What would you do?"

Some of the tension left his body.

"I…I'm not sure…The FBI might want me now…But that would be just like the Department…The stares and the whispers…I may have as many enemies there as I do here…I could always work with the firm Deakins is with. He got me some work when I was on suspension, and he told me if I ever needed or wanted any work…I could teach. I have a Masters, and could probably put together a dissertation if I was willing to go through the class work…I've had some offers from Hudson and other schools…I might even write my memoirs…" He smiled weakly. "That might make some people nervous."

"You've got some definite leads?"

"Yes…The bad thing about any job outside the department is that…I won't be with you…At least at work…"

"I…I won't leave you," Alex declared. "You…You've got good arguments…And the one really good thing…The best thing…We wouldn't have to hide…We could be together…"

"That…That's a very big reason." Bobby brushed his lips across her hair. "I…The job…It's all I had for so long…But now…There's you…And this…" One of his hands waved. "Being with you is much more important than the job."

Alex couldn't breathe or think for several moments. She hugged Bobby tightly. "I…I…" she said when she could trust her voice. "I know how much the job means to you…For you to put me above it…Wow…"

"You…You're not upset?" Bobby's hand roved through Alex's hair.

"No…We'll work this out…" Alex raised her body so that she could look into Bobby's eyes. "We've survived so much…We'll make it…"

Bobby smiled at her. "Ok…"

"You're a good, brave man, Robert Goren. And I love you. Don't ever forget that."

END